Nostalgia is a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time. Music does that to me. It's as if I am wrapped in a cascade of a whirlpool water that passes in and out of the being of who I am as I listen to the beats, rhythm and keys of the chimed vibration. Each delicate pitch, grounding arpeggio and elicit tone of emotion drives my innate need to look to the past, present and future. The swirling currents sway and roll as the song dances on the futures dreams, to wisp on the imagination of wealth, fortune: cloud nine. As the melody changes key, the torrent turns harsh and heavy, as to pull me too and fro as uncontrollable thoughts of the past scratch the throbbing strings of my heart, sharp and full. Once the truth has come to a stand still that nothing can be done until the ache is quelled by time, the ache is soothed by the trickling of cold and warm spurts as the whirlpool comes to a constant flow of floating in the embrace of the present.
I miss the things I used to be able to have: a dear friend to love me without reservation or thought of anything else but the now, a companion to comfort me with the coo of their voice, an idea that the reflection I see has more than just my cocoa butter skin gleaming back. Maybe that is why nostalgia is a double edged sword. To look back is to have no control of what was and what came to be. To look to the future, the chance of sorrow and happiness is up in the air.
Perhaps, it is just best to look at the now. It is the choices that I make now that seem to sustain me with enough gumption to take one more step, just one more. After all, once the music has stopped, the cascade comes to a halt, as a summer heavens deluge. It opens her breast to cry her feelings, drenches the area and then flutters away, made anew with the prism of the beaming sun.
This song fills me with a paradigm of sticky sorrow and carefree happiness. Joy is to appreciate them both.... I am not there yet. Time is the only one who knows when that will transpire upon my heart.
