Sunday

Dear Delysia,

Last night was a really good day considering. I have been in a rut really. I have been sinking down to more of a doable lifestyle with the church. Though mostly, I’ve not been doing all that I could do, because it is a lot. I grow tired of doing the same thing over and over and not seeing results. I think that this is something that I should get better at. I know that change doesn’t happen quickly, it happens slowly. I hate that too.

So church; there is a guy named Jared Maruji that I wanted to be friends with. I wanted to be friends with him because he was friends with a really good friend of mine: Seiko. She has good taste in friends, so I was excited to meet and be his friend. Long story short, he and I are not really friends. Friendship is not what he wants, he has plenty of those, he wants a wife. I was also really stupid in serving and being nice to him: I made him workout shorts, I gave him potions for when he was sick. I realized that that was too much and that he wasn’t really interested in being friends or make friends. I get it. Most guys take my kindness as flirting and I think my kindness was too much for him. Anyway, I ignored him and he spoke with a couple of people and said that he thought that I didn’t like him. His assumptions about me was true, I don’t like him.

So, in Priesthood, we were talking about home teaching and we read an experience with Elder Hollands’ talk about home teaching and how the home teachers didn’t stay and help clean up a mess, they just left. I rose my hand and said that I went to visit Jared Maruji while he was sick and he didn’t want me too, but I did get him potions anyway. But I impersonated his voice as an Asian that can’t speak English well. LOL… Then Jared raised his hand and said that he spoke to me just like I said. I sent Jared a text later that day, to tell him thank you for letting me tease him. He responded back by saying that he really thought that I was a great example for service and that I could teach the ward a lot of good things about it. I told him that I was blushing and explained that I respected him and thought that he was a good man. I shared with him that he was one of the few men that I respected in the ward. He really thought that that statement was the nicest compliment he’s received in a long time. He shared with me that he respected me as well.

I also spoke with Thomas and his experience with trying to date this girl Kristen. She is resistant to his kindness and affection because she’s used to dating awful, spiritually weak men. However, Tom is a strong man of faith. I adore him because he’s so adorable. She’s dumb and Tom is so sweet. … sigh… sometimes I wish Tom would look at me and be attracted. Sometimes I didn’t have to listen to people talk about their relationship problems. That is pretty much all people like to do. Sometimes I am strong, other times, I yearn. The good thing though is that people do regard me as a blessing. I suppose my reputation is like my mom. She was regarded but never really engaged.

Progress with Cherry Beth

Dear Delysia,

I am getting really nervous about Cherry Beth leaving. I will miss him, but I am slowly killing my feelings for him.

I had a conversation with him last Sunday where I asked him if he had seen changes in me. He told me that he didn't really know. He wasn't ever sure where I stood and where I stand know. He wasn't really sure if I was OK in life or not. He just didn't know. That made me really sad. He seemed to not really think about me too much. I mean, I suppose that just supports the idea that friendship isn't something that he wants. It could also be that I don't really share much about my life with him, because I don't really think that he cares all that much, because he doesn't really respond when I do tell him.

Then the next day, he asked me about his roommate. He asked me my opinion about his roommates situation which is this: Should he move to Boston MA, or Rigby ID. I told him that his roommate had been thinking about this for about a year. He should go to Boston. Then Cherry Beth said that Nate felt like he should go to ID and get married. So we got in a little bit of a spat. Cherry Beth seemed to be questioning my opinion as if it were wrong. I then just told him that he should do as he wills. Then CB came back and said that he felt like when I said that, that I didn't care, I was apathetic and that I was just brushing off his concerns for Nate. I responded that when I say: Do as you will, means that I full confidence that he'll make the right decision. I then said that I don't always like to give my opinion because I feel like most of the time, he doesn't like what I have to say and that I feel like he is trying to catch me and prove me wrong with what I have to say about stuff, so I just want him to make a decision. If he wanted an unbiased opinion, that he should pray to God.

Then CB responded with asking how my day was. He has called me 3 days in a row, which is weird. Though, I think he is trying a little bit harder.

Traci thinks that when he moves, he'll get married and have a kid and then become the friend that I always wanted. I told Traci that I needed him to be my friend now, not later when he's bored and needs some attention because he's bored with being a dad! I said that I gave CB all that I have and he has given me not much in return. Since that is the case, I don't really believe that much good will come to me because I gave him all that I've got. Traci disagreed with me. He thinks that whether or not CB comes around doesn't matter much. What matters is that I did what I was supposed to do.
He also said that being friends with CB will be easy because he doesn't require a lot of effort. I told Traci that I don't really do that. I am all in or all out. I don't really do little here/little there when it comes to relationships. They are the only way that I can get what I need. I am left to starve and scrap and beg for attention in my life. I am not going to beg with the orchids.

I will miss CB, because he's a good man. But I don't think that I've gotten to a point where I will miss him for long. He's not been too much of a blessing to me. He's been more of a burden than a blessing. I already gave him his b-day present and I am trying to get his quilt done soon. After that, I am done with him. He's a crappy friend and I am not going to invest in him. He didn't really with me, so I am done.

I am also upset that God would have me interact with such a selfish guy. Cory has had so much of a better life than me. Here I am giving him all that I have and what do I get in return? Rocks, stones and serpents. Traci believes that Cory will make it up in the future. By that time, I won't want anything to do with Cory. We don't have much of a relationship now... .at least compared to the relationships that I have with others.

.... I'm sad that my life seems to be just in servidtude for others and I'm stuck with debt, loneliness and being abandoned. ...

Chicago

Dear Delysia,

So it has been a long time. I am sorry. I have had a lot of fun adventures, the most recent one was when I went to Chicago.

I went to Chicago a couple of weeks ago to visit my friend Stephen. He is a friend that I have served with in church as well as I went with him to Mexico on my cruise. He moved to Chicago to go to film school, in a master's program. I had never been to Chicago before, so I was really excited! He was so kind to me. He planned most of the time that I was there. We spent time with his friends from the ward, his colleagues in school, my cousin Matt and our mutual friend Reid.

I really enjoyed the time that I spent there because it was such a grand adventure. So it started out really crazy. I missed my flight. So I had to wait for another flight that would get me to Chicago much later than what I wanted. So I just bought another flight with an airline that would fly directly, and it brought me to the city much earlier. But then, as I bought that ticket online, my credit card was stolen. So I had to kill my credit card and just use my debit card. When I travel to a city that I have never been before, I don't like to pay with my debt card, but I had too.

So then, I land and the airport was so huge! It took me around 30 minutes to find where Stephen was waiting for me, near the subway/train place. He had given me a card that paid for me to use the local transit! That was really sweet of him! So it was like an hour to go from the airport to where Stephen lived. While we were riding, we were catching up. He was really happy to be there. The train was really gross, but convenient and a lot cheaper than me getting a car and having to pay for the rental and then trying to fight for parking and then having to pay all these crazy prices to leave the car there.

So I called my cousin Matt, that I have known since Larry married mom. He used to baby sit us a lot. I hadn't seen him for about 10 years, so I was really excited. Before we got to Stephen's home, we walked over to Matt's home. He has a beautiful home in the middle of the stone city. Seriously, all the buildings in that city are made of stone, cement and brick. It was like walking through the mines of Moria! HAHAHa

He seemed very guarded yet very willing to be casual and engaging. I asked him about life, his home, and then he told me that he was a pineapple, when I asked him about dating and getting married. I was really shocked to hear this. I had heard a long time ago that Larry said that he was gay. I never really thought about it, though I had stalked him when I heard that and saw this guy that he had took a lot of pics of him together. His name is Adam. He has been dating Adam for 3 or 4 years. His family has met him. He met Adam at a charity event. I was really excited to meet Adam and asked to know if Adam was coming. Matt said that he was coming this weekend and that I could be able to meet him. So I arranged to meet up with Adam on Sunday. After having a very awkward, yet informative conversation with Matt and Stephen, we left to get ready to go to a party with Stephen and his group of friends.

So we walked back, rode the train and dropped off my stuff, then went to his girlfriends house. We met up with Sarah-Lucy, Michael and Erik. Mike and Erik are pineapples. I didn't really figure that out until Stephen told me that. Mike is a hispanic guy, who was adopted by a white family. Erik is from Vegas, white. We got food from a Korean fried chicken place down the street. That was fun. I learned Sarah-Lucy can't keep secrets! She outs people and their secrets. She is a lovely person, but doesn't really know how to keep her mouth closed. Yet she doesn't reveal secrets because she wants to be mean, she wants people to not live in secrets. I told her that my house doesn't run on electricity. My house runs on secrets! LOL

So then when we got back, I asked how Erik and Mike function in the church given that they are both dating and having sex. Mike shared that since his parents have grown up with the general leadership, he had a hard time being around his family. Then he finally told his parents, they were kind about it at first and then they wrote him a nasty email later. Then he finally came to terms and decided to come back to church because Erik was teaching Sunday School and was impressed with him and his lessons. He is fooling around with other guys, but still makes it to church when he can. He lives with a woman who is also a flight attendant. He is great.

Erik then talked about how he was at BYU and was really afraid that everyone that he knew, knew that he was gay. Funny though that no one ever thought that about him. He is very much a typical guy. He is plain in clothes, he is a nerd and really smart. He is getting a Ph'D in Sociology. He is currently dating a guy and has been for awhile, yet feels the need to be an example to other members of the church that don't have much interaction with gay members. He wants to be a good example that you can go to church and be gay.

I shared with them that I believe that God is asking us to be single and live a nun life. Though, I believe that is one of the hardest things to do, especially when the leaders don't live a life like that. They are asking us to live a life they can't or won't do. Some say that when their spouse dies, then they do. I will never have a spouse to know the difference. Yet it is different, it isn't the same. They are single for a couple of years and then they die? It is not the same. So my hang up is when there is no clear direction that I have to live other than I can't do this, this, this and that. I hate the uncertainty, yet I still try to live in a way that they ask because I know the church is true, but I don't like what they are asking me to do. I don't always believe that things will work out or that it will be worth it.

I really had a great time, because we stayed at the house and just chatted about life and about pineapple things. It had been a long time since I have been able to be free about how I feel and what I think about a problem that affects me and it affects these other guys that are trying to make it work in their lives, the best way that they know how. It was so nice to chat with them and to feel love and not feel like the outsider.

When we got home, Stephen insisted that I sleep in the same room as him. He didn't want me to sleep in the other room. He wanted to make sure that I was safe and taken care of. This was so sweet of him. It was a little bit uncomfortable for me, because I didn't want to be a bother to him, yet he was very insistent that he take care and make sure that I was very comfortable. I love him very much. He was just very conscience of my wants/needs.

The next day, we woke up late, laid around and just talked about life. Then we got up and headed to the lake. Boy it was soo cold. The wind was blowing and I wanted to ride a bike, but it was really expensive and the wind was too cold. So then Reid came by, picked us up and drove us to his home town several miles north of the city. He told us about his life, his parents and then all of a sudden we were in trees and ravines with really nice homes. Reid looked really good and happy with his life and job. Though he was still really lonely, he was happy. He showed us his parents home, it was right next to the lake, there was so many homes that were so beautiful and big. Reid was raised in a very wealthy area. Then he took us to deep dish pizza, which is a big block of cheese. We talked about his dating life, his work life and how he was in a better place now that he's making money, going to school and trying to make the best of what he has. He has a lot to be thankful for.

After the pizza, Reid dropped us off home and I was soo tired. I didn't really sleep, we watched some movies and then went to a party with Stephens classmates. They were so much fun. I was known as the gay Mormon and they really didn't care so much. I made some really cool friends! I just had a great time, eating food, chatting and listening to people. All his classmates had so many good things to say about Stephen. They said that he was always happy, that he would always bring up religion in a way that was engaging and non-judgemental. I was so impressed and so happy that Stephen was definitely in his element. We stayed there for quite awhile and then I was tired so we went home.

Stephen was sort of mad at me for being willing to be friend with Reid and yet complain about him. I told Stephen that I felt like Reid was supposed to be in my life and I didn't know why or anything, but I don't like when he ignores me. But Reid doesn't know how to balance that too much, so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

The next day I went to church, which was amazing! Most of the members where women who didn't look all that cute to me. The men were very few and far between. They met in a school for church and rented building space as well. Then I hurried to my cousins and met his boyfriend. Adam was so charming and kind. Matt was still a little bit weird, but more engaging. I asked Adam really hard questions: How do you show love for Matt? How does Matt show love to you? What do you like the most about Matt? What do you find a lot of satisfaction in your life? Adam was gracious and indulged me. Then off we went. Then Matt asked to drive me to the airport and he was so kind to do so. Matt is a good man.

So I flew home. OH... while I was flying to Chicago, I met a woman who had a quilt and we quilted together. She was great!