Progress with Cherry Beth

Dear Delysia,

I am getting really nervous about Cherry Beth leaving. I will miss him, but I am slowly killing my feelings for him.

I had a conversation with him last Sunday where I asked him if he had seen changes in me. He told me that he didn't really know. He wasn't ever sure where I stood and where I stand know. He wasn't really sure if I was OK in life or not. He just didn't know. That made me really sad. He seemed to not really think about me too much. I mean, I suppose that just supports the idea that friendship isn't something that he wants. It could also be that I don't really share much about my life with him, because I don't really think that he cares all that much, because he doesn't really respond when I do tell him.

Then the next day, he asked me about his roommate. He asked me my opinion about his roommates situation which is this: Should he move to Boston MA, or Rigby ID. I told him that his roommate had been thinking about this for about a year. He should go to Boston. Then Cherry Beth said that Nate felt like he should go to ID and get married. So we got in a little bit of a spat. Cherry Beth seemed to be questioning my opinion as if it were wrong. I then just told him that he should do as he wills. Then CB came back and said that he felt like when I said that, that I didn't care, I was apathetic and that I was just brushing off his concerns for Nate. I responded that when I say: Do as you will, means that I full confidence that he'll make the right decision. I then said that I don't always like to give my opinion because I feel like most of the time, he doesn't like what I have to say and that I feel like he is trying to catch me and prove me wrong with what I have to say about stuff, so I just want him to make a decision. If he wanted an unbiased opinion, that he should pray to God.

Then CB responded with asking how my day was. He has called me 3 days in a row, which is weird. Though, I think he is trying a little bit harder.

Traci thinks that when he moves, he'll get married and have a kid and then become the friend that I always wanted. I told Traci that I needed him to be my friend now, not later when he's bored and needs some attention because he's bored with being a dad! I said that I gave CB all that I have and he has given me not much in return. Since that is the case, I don't really believe that much good will come to me because I gave him all that I've got. Traci disagreed with me. He thinks that whether or not CB comes around doesn't matter much. What matters is that I did what I was supposed to do.
He also said that being friends with CB will be easy because he doesn't require a lot of effort. I told Traci that I don't really do that. I am all in or all out. I don't really do little here/little there when it comes to relationships. They are the only way that I can get what I need. I am left to starve and scrap and beg for attention in my life. I am not going to beg with the orchids.

I will miss CB, because he's a good man. But I don't think that I've gotten to a point where I will miss him for long. He's not been too much of a blessing to me. He's been more of a burden than a blessing. I already gave him his b-day present and I am trying to get his quilt done soon. After that, I am done with him. He's a crappy friend and I am not going to invest in him. He didn't really with me, so I am done.

I am also upset that God would have me interact with such a selfish guy. Cory has had so much of a better life than me. Here I am giving him all that I have and what do I get in return? Rocks, stones and serpents. Traci believes that Cory will make it up in the future. By that time, I won't want anything to do with Cory. We don't have much of a relationship now... .at least compared to the relationships that I have with others.

.... I'm sad that my life seems to be just in servidtude for others and I'm stuck with debt, loneliness and being abandoned. ...