I am sorry yet again for me neglecting you. I have had a lot of things on my mind. I have been coming to terms with my reality each week, day, hour, minute. It's been exhausting and I want to tell you good things.
Yesterday night, I got text from Brad. I first met Brad online on a dating app. He came over to my house and we cuddled and watched the Avatar series. I really had a good time. He told me about his life and what not. He was really great. He is Native American, Navajo. He served a mission in India. He really liked his experience. He is really down to earth. He actually reminded me of a friend of mine's husband: low-key, loyal, very chill. I really enjoyed his presence. We texted here and there. I learned that he sucks at keeping up conversation. He's not good at keeping in touch. He likes to fall off the earth.
A year later, he would text me here and there every so often. Last night, he texted me and asked me to go to dinner with him. I was really excited. It is nice to be able to feel like you're special, that you're the priority. I forget that sometimes, that feeling disappears really quickly. After talking to him quickly over text, I got really excited. I had forgotten what he looked like, I just remember that I felt really nice and comfortable when I was around him.
The date was really lack luster. My heart was fluttering and my stomach was in knots. I was really nervous. Getting the food, sitting down and talking. Everything was just fine. It was as if I was just chatting with a friend that I hadn't seen in years. I was looking at him while he talked about his life goals and choices. He is very indecisive. He's pretty wishy washy. He wants to be a Lawyer. He was really into the Dakota Pipeline in North Dakota. For most of the time I was thinking about kissing him or imagining myself in a relationship with him. At the end of the date, I asked him what he wanted from me. He told me that he isn't out and just wants friends to be with. He doesn't have any hurt feelings about the Church. He is just trying to live his life.
Him telling me that he just wanted to be friends sort of hurt my feelings. I wanted to entertain the idea of dating him.
Traci told me that I'm stupid. He told me that not actively looking but willing to take opportunities to date is different. I felt Traci called me a slut and that I have no integrity.... I think he is right.
I had a good time, but I feel sad. I want something permanent. But there is nothing... only sand, only transition.
... it's funny Delysia. I feel very calm and at peace about the destitution of my life. I have no purpose to live a life... there is nothing to live for.
This past couple of days has been so wonderful and
yet very hard. I have really just enjoyed being alive. For the first
time in years, I have felt like I've had value. For the longest time I
have not really felt like I had value. I mean, I would talk about that
value, but I didn't really believe it. It is hard to believe in a
construct if you've always felt like you never had a place in it in the
first place.
Sunday
was a wonderful day. I wore a new outfit that I sewed. I felt so
wonderful. I felt so shiny, so dazzling. I felt like I was worthwhile
and beautiful. I felt like the inner soul was radiating so brightly that
you could see it in my face. As I listened to the speakers in church
and the teachers, I listened to the comments that were being made. I was
really surprised by the comments. It seemed like the answers were very
superficial, so very surface level. Then the thought came to me that I
have far out-passed their experiences. I felt like I was further along
in the world of life because I could see things better. I feel like I
see things as they really are. I find it really comforting that God has
allowed me to be able to see things and situations as they really are,
without the clouds or mists. To see the challenges ahead of you clearly,
allows you to conquer it a lot easier. I just felt calm and peace
sitting in church, feeling like God loved me so much. I felt like He was
guiding me along in a way that others couldn't follow because they had
other things to learn or they weren't in a place to hear God's voice to
them.
Then Traci called me and was really upset. He was upset
because 80 was dating someone else and he felt really stupid for trying
to date a girl that wasn't really interested in him. In my mind he was
acting desperate and controlling. He yelled at me and hung up. It was
strange because I felt really good about it. I felt the spirit and was
calm during all that. My heart was hurting because Traci was hurting,
but I just felt like he was going to be OK. I told him that I would wait
for him with hugs and Oreo cookies. He called me the next day and we
made up. I love Traci a lot. He's a wonderful person. I love that he's
my Best Friend Cousin!
On Tuesday,
I had a good talk with Cory Beth. He was feeling sick and was wanting
to feel important and validation. Though, it is funny, because he and
his family have taught each other that validation can only come from a
spouse and not each other. All of his siblings are really set on getting
married or being in a relationship and then just forgetting about
everyone else in their lives. It is so sad. My siblings and I are really
close. We love being with each other and enjoy the company of each
other and each others babies! It just made me sad that Cory Beth and his
siblings have lived with each other so long and aren't really close.
He
then told me that he wanted help with conflict resolution. He said that
he wanted to be better at it because he felt he would just get
defensive and sort of short with people when he felt cornered or
questioned. He said that he didn't want to be like that anymore. I asked
him what helping him looked like. He told me that he felt like I hid
things from him, that I avoided conflict with him and that he didn't
want me to do that anymore. I told him that I avoid conflict with him
because he told me that he didn't like conflict, he avoided it, he
avoided negative talk, he avoided bad, sad things. So I told him that I
was trying really hard to accommodate him because I'm a good friend like
that. I also told him that I when I did try to resolve conflict with
him, he would avoid it or change the subject, and I felt rejected so I
stopped having issue with him and just either ignore him or let go of my
grievances because I didn't believe he wanted to hear me anyway. He
said that he didn't want to be like that anymore and wanted me to share
with him what I felt and thought. I said that I would try hard to do
that. He then asked how my day was and I told him that I hung out with
my family and the babies. I told him that I was really happy. Then he
asked me what else was going on. I resisted him. He asked me why I was
ignoring him and resisting him. I told him because it hurt too much to
think about and believe that after 8 months, our friendship. I didn't
want to think about that. I also don't see that changing either. He'll
move away to the East Coast and that will be it. It's done. Cory doesn't
really want friendship, or make a lot of effort in maintaining one. I
know I'm a lot of work and effort. He has a limited amount of threshold
to deal with me. So I have let go that he'll love me or be a good of
friend as I have been. I have given up on the idea that I would believe
that he cared. I do like his efforts, but it's not enough for me. I
believe that if he really wanted to make something to work between us,
he would make the effort necessary, but he won't. That is OK. I can't
change his mind about that. I gave him all that I had to offer in a
friendship, so I did my part. He asked a little bit more about my
thoughts about our friendship. I told him that I didn't want to talk
about it because it hurts. He then told me, "Josh, I will walk with you.
We can walk through this together." I told him no. I also told him that
it will take time. He told me that I should just focus on the now. I am
not like that... I look too much into the future.
Cory is a
good guy. He is trying really hard to be a good person. I just feel
rejected. We have been friends for a year and we are the same as we were
a year ago. Traci, BBK and I are like the bestest of friends. I've
known BBK 6 months and I love her to DEATH. I don't see a future with
Cory. He had his chance and is now going to reap the rewards of his
squandering of his blessings. I don't think he see's it yet. That is ok.
It is probably good that that doesn't happen. He believes that I am a
false prophet anyway... trying to lead him a stray... so what do you do
about that?!... LOL
I do appreciate his willingness to be nice to
me. So I will enjoy what little time I have with him... and hopefully I
won't be a huge mess when he moves away in April.
I love you Delysia. Thank you for always being there for me.
Today has been a really great day. Traci and I made up. He just needed time and space to get over some things that I had said to him. I said things that he didn't like and took it really personally. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. He said that he was just being sensitive to my new found strength. I had said that I felt better when I wasn't around guys. Sunday was a wonderful day because of all the ladies that I had interacted with and didn't have to deal with the drama of men. I also said that I felt like I was better equip to handle this life than him. Traci really took this to heart. He felt like I was saying that I was better than him. That wasn't my intention. I don't ever want to say things that would hurt his feelings. Traci forgave me. I am happy that he did. Today really went smoothly because I felt like the feelings between us were good.
I did tell him that I was grateful for all the good things that have been happening. I told Traci that when he was mad at me yesterday, I just prayed that I would feel ok. I just wanted to chat with him, but he was mad at me and didn't want to talk to me. Then out of the blue, Thad contacted me. I had forgotten how much I care for Thad. I have forgotten how much he made me feel safe and understood. We went to the temple together. I remember when the church brought out the new policy and he and I went to the temple together and I just cried and cried in the chapel as we waited for our turn to go do a session. Thad being there helped me feel like I wasn't there just facing rejection by myself. Thad was there and I was there. I remember I just cried and cried during that whole session. He brought me a lot of comfort. We talked about how much I have learned from being at the temple. I told him that it is the only real reason why I was able to face the loneliness. It was really a blessing. I just wanted to talk to my Best Friend Cousin, but Thad came instead. It was funny because Thad just told me that he missed me and wanted to reach out and see how I was doing.
The other idea that I really liked about today was, the relationship of a married couple is between 3 people. It is the wife, the husband and God. We as individuals are meant to learn how to develop with our experiences with our families and then the ultimate relationship is the one in marriage. BUT, if we don't know how to build a relationship with God, then we aren't ready to be married. If we aren't able to deeply connect with friends, we aren't ready for a marriage. The Lord seems to help us build up slowly and surely and then give us the ultimate blessings. Even if we're good friends, it doesn't mean we are able to speak with God. He is the one that knows all and knows what will and what will not work with the wife and husband. If we as individuals can't receive revelation and communicate with divinity, we are not truly prepared to be the best people we need to be. I am grateful that I don't have an issue with this ideal. I can hear God's voice, I can feel His influence, I can tell the difference between my own thoughts and His thoughts for me. I find this idea that revelation and the ability to communicate with Divinity is so paramount!
I have also learned that when we do what we've been told we must do from our Heavenly Father, He gives us what we truly want, as secondary affects. It is also usually a lot better than we had ever hoped for as well. It is so true the saying, 'When we save and help others, we save and help ourselves'. The scriptures say, "When you've done it to the least of these my brethern, you've done it unto me."
The other reference is this one:"When you are in the service of your fellow man, you're in the service of your God."
Intentional behavior and just being nice because that is what you wish all people to receive, is really a wonderful way to live. I have always wanted to see with eyes unclouded by hate. I also really want to be able to have people feel the Spirit of God when I walk into a room, when people speak to me, or when they look upon me. I want to reflect wonder!
I have also given up my attitude with Cory. I was reminded that if I want chances to change, I need to give them to others. I gave up my interview with another agency in Las Vegas. I don't want to be guilty of standing in the way of another's progression. I felt like moving to Vegas would only stop Cory's progression. I don't want to be guilty of that. I want grace, mercy, patience and opportunities to change. How could I ask that if I had walked away from Cory. I know that if I moved to Vegas, it would seal Cory's fate to something more awful and I would be responsible for some of it.
The other reason I wanted to leave Utah, is because I'm tired of being the outsider of everything that I do. I'm tired of feeling out of place in a land of Zion. I want to feel like I'm being judged all the time because of how I act, speak and express myself. I just want to be myself, be happy and not have to defend my choices of how I choose to live my life.
.... The craziness of all that happened to me was, I saw Tristan at a restaurant that I stopped by to get some food. I entered Panda Express and stood in line looking at what I wanted to eat. Then looking in to the seating area, I saw him. I panicked! I pulled out my phone, pretended to answer and literally ran out. As much as I hate him for treating me so horrible and neglecting me and throwing me away, I still love him. I hate that I still care for him. I care enough about him to want to reconnect. Yet, there are times when I wish that he would fight for our friendship. I wish he would prove that he cared, but he doesn't. I don't think that he ever did. I think he just used me and I was a stupid hoe. I miss him and hate him at the same time.
I also had a good conversation with one of the 8 pineapples that we all hung out with in our college days. I am the only one that still goes to church. I am the only one that isn't in a relationship. I am the only one that can participate in the Temple. It makes me feel alone, yet I am happy that I have paid a heavy price to be able to feel the peace and calm that I do from becoming closer with God. I am glad that I have learned wonderful lessons in the past year! I am so very blessed.
With all the lessons that I have learned in the past year, I become more OK with the idea of being alone every time I think about it. The ache doesn't go away, but the calm and peace comes a lot faster when I ask for it to go away. I feel like I can make it back to Heavenly Father.
.... I love you Delysia... and I miss you so much!
I have been in a really good mood today. I love my job. The ladies that I work with are so awesome! I am so blessed to work with ladies that I can relate to and just be myself with. It is really weird when I think of it. I mean, These ladies are far more experienced in life and I just love learning from their experiences in life. They come from very shaking lives. One lady was a single mom and a drug addict and sort of neglected her son. Her son became a addict and hates her. She got her life together, but it was too late. She has a pic of him in her office, though when she looks and speaks of him, there is sadness in her tone of voice. There is nothing that she could have done to salvage that relationship. Though, she has moved on from it and has become a wonderful woman, she can't turn time back to make it right. I've started to notice that I am also drawn to women who have faced a lot of ugly things in their life. They have faced really horrible things in life, and yet have overcome it.
The other lady that I adore was abused by her husband and cheated on by him. So she left and got an education, raised the kids and became a 'savior' of sorts for her family. She has lost a couple of battles with her ex-husband. He sued her for things that weren't true. He tried to make it look like the infidelity was her fault, not his. It was really sad. In some degree, she has hardened her heart to some things. She doesn't allow people to get close to her. She has experience betrayal a lot from people. She was betrayed by her husband, her family, her best friend... and then came to the conclusion that she can only save herself and keep herself safe. She doesn't really allow for much vulnerability. I am really grateful that she has allowed me to be her friend. I am glad that for the most part she feels safe and trusts me to have her back as she has mine. She is also very determined and resilient.
I am really noticing the blessings that have come to me because of the challenges that I have had to face. I can hear God's voice, I can speak to Him and He speaks to me. I receive direction from Him. I can feel the Spirit almost all the time and I can distinguish when it leaves and when He is guiding me to say and do the things that will tip the balances in others favor. I am a treasure. I am become everything that I have wanted. I want to be like my mom! I am becoming like her. I see more clearly of myself and others. I have paid a pretty heavy price to have all these wonderful things that God offers to His children. I haven't noticed it until just recently. I am so very greatly blessed for all that I have overcome with His help. I am almost as wonderful as mother. My goal now is that when I am around, that people will feel the spirit! I want to be so pure and lovely that people will just feel the Love of God. I think I am on a good course for that to happen.
The other thing that I was really happy about, was I went to lunch with Boo Boo Kitty today. I just love her! We talked about what we thought about revelation and Pharisee. She said that she has been praying to know how she is a Pharisee and how she can change it. She asked me what I thought. I just told her that I think that if you can live the life of a normal member: date, marry, have kids, so on and so forth... that the likelihood of us wanting to develop a relationship with God is really low.... sort of the same thing that I share with you. She thought that was interesting and thought that, that statement wasn't really fair. I said, well, if you have pretty much everything that you want, you only focus on those things right? You ask God about your sick spouse, you ask for help about your kid being bullied, you ask about how to keep the family safe, you ask about the financial crisis... But the relationship isn't based on that you want to know God. It is based on what God can give you to help you maintain the blessings He's given you. She responded, so we are using God for His goodness. I said, it looks like that doesn't it. She responded by saying something like, 'Well, Josh, I will be participating in that member lifestyle, what do you think I should be aware of to keep me inline with God?' I just said, intentional behavior is the key. If we are just talking to Him about ourselves, we are missing the point. She responded by saying that all that we ever want come to us secondary, to that of what God would have do for others. She also said that it is a huge deal when people freely serve others, rather than being compelled by callings or guilty conscience. In regular lives, the most that people interact and save are usually just their spouse and kids. They don't ever really reach for others because they are distracted by their own. Yet, Pres. Monson is the best example of him letting God take care of his family, while he went out and served 'the widows, the lonely and the forgotten.'
In truth, mom told me that nothing in this life is really ours, but our will. Kristen told me last night that in order for us to give God our will, we need dreams and goals to give Him, so that our will is swallowed up in His. Kristen then told me of her bf of a year and a half. They broke up, but the story about her relationship is so crazy! She learned that he had a lot of faith issues around the church. The interesting thing is that she really spoke about him fondly. She shared with me that she sacrificed everything that she had for him to be supported, loved and cared for. Though she was at the end of her rope with him because she was literally throwing all she had into him and he wasn't getting any better. Then she said to me, " Josh, I went to the temple and asked God what more could I do? I asked Him that I was breaking inside, that I was feeling like I was loosing a battle to save him. What more can I do to help him, to help him see the glory that I see in him? I was literally dying inside trying to help him grow and come back. I then told God that if He wanted me to stay with him, I would. But I told Him that I was really hurting trying to maintain my strength and love for him. I felt like it was time to let him go."
She started crying. As she choked on her words a bit, the thought came to my mind, 'She and I are very similar in that regard.' I told her that she and I are very similar in that way. She chuckled and said that we were soul siblings. We then hugged and I told her that I would do anything to help her. I told her of things that await her in the future if she would petition God in the Temple to receive what He is wanting to give her. Her health is severely failing. She hasn't really been able to know what is next, but God will tell her. She was a little scared, but I told her that very rarely does God speak so directly to His children. He must really trust them to give them such direct direction, because He knows that they will follow Him no matter what.
I am so blessed to have such grand interactions with eternal beings who are striving to be the best that they can be. I have much need to be grateful for the immense power and strength that come from these women of God! I just feel the Spirit all the time with such wonderful souls!
I am so very grateful to see the great worth of the souls that surround me. It brings me such comfort during the times of loneliness that come all the time. I am so happy and proud that I am a wonderful reflection of all that is lovely in my mother.
I do have a lot of changes to make. I am not very loving to all of God's children. I am selective to whom I lend my support to. I certainly don't support the brethren unless I am compelled to. I don't let people in my life. I keep people at a distance. I don't always fully love people that I should. I need to fight the notion that I am better than others. I am not better, I am just learning the same lessons in a very unique way.
What does come to my mind though, is that I don't need people. All I need is my relationship with God. BBK doesn't agree. She is right. I do need people, to serve, love, enjoy and to allow them to serve, love and enjoy me too.
..... One step at a time.... And reading the scriptures everyday has really been a help to me. I always read something that helps me each day..... sigh.... I need to be better......
Today was a hard day but a good one. The lady that is trying to get me fired cried and pulled an emotional mess in front of us and complained that no one likes her. The issue is she is blaming everybody else for her issues and it is her that is the issue. She is so emotional about how she feels everyone is out to get her and she's tired of hearing people complain about her behind her back and act as her friend to her face. There is so much back stabbing right now at work, I just deal with it. I have my two besties and my boss and that is it. I have no allegiance to anyone else in the workplace. The sad part is that it has come to this! There is so much drama from the passive aggressive ladies that I work with that I just don't deal well with their crying and boo whooing about how Betty looked her Stacy crossed eyed and hurt her feelings. I don't deal with such petty nonsense in the workplace! I hate having to deal with politics! But it would appear that the girl that is holding a grudge against me will just probably quit. I have a plan to make it so she doesn't feel she can trust anyone in our workplace and she'll quit and everything will be just fine! All of us managers hate her. She knows that we do and we're not about supporting her either. She doesn't do her job either very well, she is more concerned about doing anothers job and then complaining about it. I can't with her and I am going to just let her dig her grave, remove my support from her and watch her crumble and fail! I'll be making popcorn.
I am really excited to go to Vegas for an interview!!! I really loved that city! I have some still really good friends there. I've never been to the Temple there before. I also think that I am strong enough to stay away from the temptations of that city. I do hope that I get it! That would be so cool if I did get it!
Trevor isn't really talking to me. He told me that he doesn't feel very comfortable talking to me anymore. He didn't really say way nor did I ask. I assume it has to do with our fight on Sunday. I have stopped calling him Traci because he felt like it was demeaning and condescending. So I stopped calling him that. Then I must have misunderstood him because he felt like the name wasn't the issue, it was me referring to him as a puppy and talking to him like he was a puppy. I felt bad. That was never my intention. So I have stopped sending anything puppy related to him, nor have I said he was adorable and I have stopped calling him Traci. I assume that is what it has to do with. He said that talking to me isn't the same anymore. I don't know what to say or do about it... so I am just going to let him figure it out, go on dates with 80 and let things flow.
I have also decided that I won't call you adorable or Cory Beth or the elongated name either. I don't want you to feel like I was speaking to you in a condescending way either.
I had a good talk with Thad. Today was the day that I got my Temple recommend back a year ago.
In the past couple of weeks have been hard with my relationship with Cory Beth. I know I've shared my thoughts with you about my wavering feelings for him and about him. Cory called me the other day and wanted to see how I was doing. He was driving home and asked me about what was going on between us. I had written him an email about the things that would be lost to him if he didn't start taking our arrangement more seriously. I assume because of that email, he wanted to start making repairs.
He asked me about how I felt about our relationship. I told him that I feel anxious around him. I felt like I was being used. I felt like in a year, we were at the same place as we were before. He shared that he didn't really understand how our arrangement really works. When he told me that, I really got irritated about it. He has had a year to think about this and find out by asking God! He has chosen not to think about this until a year later?! I then shared with him that I don't really think that he cares all that much. I shared that I felt like the arrangement that we have isn't something that he's all that interested in. I also told him that I didn't feel safe or cared for by him, so I wanted to step away.
He responded that he was happy that I was willing to share how I felt when it was hard. He said that he was happy that I was willing to talk with him. He was thankful for my kindness and felt like he needed to work on some things. That was all he said.
Then he texted me a couple of days later asking if I was going to be around for us to hang out. He told me he was going to be in town and wanted to go to dinner. I told him that I may be able to hang out. Though, I knew that I needed to be available to speak to him, even though I didn't want to be available. He told me that he had some appointments but would be around 4. He showed up around 3 and he left around 8. He was all happy and excited. I was a hot mess, in my pj's cleaning the house. We sat in my room and talked about his life and what he wanted to be doing. He got an offer to work for 3M. He was going to hang out with his sister and mom and the family. He told me that his little brother is going to get married in San Diego in Feb. He was happy about that. He hasn't met her yet, but his mom doesn't have any reservations about her, like she had over his ex-wife and most recent ex-girlfriend.
I asked Cory what he saw in my countenance. He just told me that I seemed scared. He said that I am behaving like I'm scared. He mentioned that I wasn't looking at him and that I seemed more reserved. In truth, I was scared. I was scared that I would say snarky things to him. I don't know how to be friends with dudes that are completely bro's.
There were a lot of long senses of silence between topics of conversation. He asked me how I got revelation. I told him that the revelation just comes. I'm not sure what I am doing where it comes so easily. He told me that he was listening to a talk from conference and received the impression that he needs times of peace and silence to hear the voice of God. But he mentioned that it was really hard for him to be driving and be in silence. He said that he gets so bored and needs to have music playing or talking to someone. I then asked him how he felt about our arrangement. He said that he doesn't understand it, but he's willing to try again. I asked him what motivates him to want to continue our arrangement. He said that he wants all the good things that I have in his life. He wants to be better at talking and interacting with people, he wants charity, he wants discernment, he wants to be able to love and just be better. I then asked him what his expectations were from me. He said that he wanted me to be his friend and to help him get all the good things that I have, to help him and teach him. Then after that, we went to dinner.
At dinner, I told him that he avoids conflict amazingly. I told him that conflict resolution is really important and that it is something that he may need to work on. He told me that he doesn't like to listen about negative things. He also said that his Ex was never satisfied with his actions of trying to fix things. She would give him problems to solve and would demand that he fix them. He said that what he did try, she didn't like it, so why would he try then? He also said that avoiding conflict is better because who wants to talk about negative things? It's not good, it doesn't do any good. I told him that I don't always resolve conflict with everyone. I look at conflict resolution as a way to show love and affection for the people that I'm having conflict with. He then said, so if people don't resolve conflict with you, you don't feel loved? I said, I wanted a chance to make things right. If I am doing things that really hurt my friends/family, I want to know what I am doing, so I can fix it. I gave an example of Traci and I. Traci sometimes talks to me like I'm stupid and I hate when he talks to me like that. But I also know that Traci is expressing his love for me when he does that because he doesn't want me to be doing stupid things, so he'll give me suggestions to fix my stupidity. I don't like that way, but he doesn't know better and he's trying. So I share how I feel and accept him and he tells me that he's sorry. Conflict is resolved. I don't bring up stuff from the past, I hold a grudge because I love him. Me loving him helps me forget that he bites. He seemed to agree.
Then I asked him if he felt if he and I had conflict. He said that he didn't have any from his end but he did feel like I had some. He felt like I had issues that he wasn't talking to me or it may have to do with him not reciprocating or that he wasn't always doing the things that I suggested to him. I told him that I didn't expect much from him as a friend. I told him that I don't think friendship is really what he wants, he wants a marriage not friends. I also told him that I didn't really care that he didn't do the things that I suggested, what was frustrating was when I would ask if he prayed about it, he would say he didn't get an answer, so he didn't do it. I said that he knows when God says no, so because he didn't say no, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it because He was silent. And then finally I said that I was frustrated with him not because he wasn't talking to me or being friendly or doing the things that I suggested, it was because his actions and his words don't match. He said that he would do certain things and then he wouldn't do them. Cory then told me that of all the friends that he has, he speaks to me the most. I said that he said that he would talk to me everyday, that he would talk to 5 people each day, that he would talk to his sister everyday. He hasn't done any of those things consistently in the past year. How can I trust him if he won't do what he says he will do? I can't trust him if he tells me he will do something and then he won't do it. It tells me that he doesn't care. It tells me that his words of him wanting to change are just that, words. He doesn't have the motivation to really change, because it's not something that he really wants. He said that he was grateful that we were able to talk about all of this. When the check came, he said that it was his turn to pay for me, that it was his turn to treat me after all the things that I have given him.
What really made me really sad and heart broken about all of this was, he never asked me what I wanted from the arrangement. He didn't really seem all that concerned that he is the only one benefiting. He said that he felt like he was better with people and willing to open up and interact. He said that has been because he's tried to do stuff. For me, I think, I haven't changed while interacting with him. I still feel anxious around him. I just felt like even though he took me to dinner, that he drove there, that he came over to my house and chatted for 5 hrs, that he took time out of his day to speak with me, the motivation isn't really there. I don't believe that he really wants to change. I also don't believe that he cares about me.
What hurts me about this whole thing is, I never wanted to make the same mistake my mom made in loving and supporting men that never knew how special, grand and amazing she was. They have never known how much of a treasure she really is until it was too late. They never have treated her the way she should have been. They never saw her true worth and value. I did that once with Tristan and told myself that I would NEVER do that again. But here I am, being asked to foster a relationship with a man that cannot see my worth... he doesn't see, he doesn't love, he doesn't care....
.... it makes me really appreciative of Traci. I know he loves me and knows how wonderful I am and I with him.
Just 9 months and Cory is gone out of my life. It is strange to foster a relationship with someone when you're pretty sure it ends at a specific time. 9 months more and he is gone from my life forever.
.... I have noticed that Cory is willing to say things, like 'love you' at the end of some of our conversations on the phone. And he told me that he's trying to invite me to be a part of his life with info that he shares. So I will try my hardest to be as gracious as I can be. ....
Just 9 more months... we first met each other Aug 13 of 2015. We are back at square one. He has made good effort.... just 9 more months. ...
I am really sorry that I have not written to you in about 2 weeks. The past couple of weeks has been really crazy. I haven't really had the strength to want to cry to you about my life because it is exhausting. I am however, willing to share with you now how I feel.
There have been really good and bad things that have happened in the past 2 weeks, so I will share with you the good!
Traci came to visit. He came to see his mom for her birthday. He also came and hung out with me! We went to the pool, lounged in the sun, played in the water, walked around the local farmers market and then had a picnic with my other cousins and friends. I love him so much! He is such a wonderful person. He is so kind, loving and considerate of me and my friends. I was also invited to go to the birthday dinner of his mom. She loves me. I was able to meet Aunty Jenifers' parents, Grandpa and Grandma Jarvis. Watching Traci and his brother Jordie interact with their family. It is as if they aren't really close with each other. They just talk at each other, they don't really talk with each other. I did enjoy being with them though. I feel safe and loved by Traci and his family! I like to think that Traci is my family too.
Traci then went back to California and I was really sad to see him go. He brings with him, this really nice sense of peace and safety. He went back home so he could figure out the relationship with his Ex girlfriend, 80. They had broken up again before he came here to Utah. He was really broken over the situation. He wants to marry her. He wants to have her as his own. She processes information very differently. She needs a lot of time and space to think and process her feelings, otherwise, she lashes out against other people. I told him that he just needs to wait when she is ready to talk to him about each other. It sucks having to wait and not know what is going on, but that is what she requested of him, space and time. I am really impressed with Traci, his willingness to 'work things out'. I have a very little threshold on that. I don't usually have the attitude with people, well, men in particular, that I am willing to work stuff out. I just walk away. I tried working stuff out with Tristan and that didn't pan out. I refuse to relive a moment like that, so I won't generally work stuff out with dudes. Though, I have been willing to work stuff out with Traci. Things have worked out with Traci, though, I think it is because he wants our friendship just as much as I do. That is probably the biggest difference, Traci does things that make me believe that he wants to be in my life.
Traci did meet Boo Boo Kitty. She was very complimentary of him. She said that she was impressed with him and his knowledge and behavior of the gospel. She said that she wanted to get to know him more because she just felt good around him. She perceived him to be very kind, considerate and just enveloped in the gospel in all the good ways. She said that he is very self-aware, smart and funny. I am really happy that BBK liked Traci. In an alternate universe, I would want Traci to date and marry BBK. I would love that soo much! Traci isn't interested, but I think that would be wonderful. BBK and Traci are the best friends that I've ever had. I don't want to ever let them go.
Before Traci left, he gave me a blessing. The blessing was so amazing! He told me that God was very happy and pleased of all the sacrifices that I have made and granted to me a blessing and a promise for the rest of my life: As long as I live a worthy life, all the things of the temporal sense will be taken care of for me and my family. It will usually come at the end, but myself and my family will not go with out and we will have enough.
I really enjoyed this blessing! As I have thought about it, I have not truly understood this blessing as much as I should. I interpreted that in the end, we would be OK. Though, Traci has told me that he felt like this blessing is referring to all things in this life now. He also told me that it this blessings was made because of the way that I was living! He said that he hadn't really known that blessing ever extended to family members that weren't wife/husband/child. Since I'm single and the blessing was extended to my family and their needs, that was HUGE! He also said that it was because of all the things that I have sacrificed that this was given to me. The thought then came to me, that I have always wanted to be given an opportunity to be able to help my family. Since I am the oldest, I wanted to be able to just send them money or have enough to just go visit them and support them the best I know how. I have been given this opportunity, it's just not by money. I have been given a promise that God will actively watch over me and my family and make sure that we're taken care of, based upon my worthiness.
I am so happy that I have Traci and BBK in my life. They bring me such happiness. They are so kind to me and I know they love me.
In the path of life that I have chosen, I am so very grateful that they do love me despite my limitations. Knowing that one day, my relationship with them will morph into something else and eventually it will end, I feel that it will be worth all the memories and effort that I put in to be in their lives as much as they were in mine!
