Today has been a really great day. Traci and I made up. He just needed time and space to get over some things that I had said to him. I said things that he didn't like and took it really personally. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. He said that he was just being sensitive to my new found strength. I had said that I felt better when I wasn't around guys. Sunday was a wonderful day because of all the ladies that I had interacted with and didn't have to deal with the drama of men. I also said that I felt like I was better equip to handle this life than him. Traci really took this to heart. He felt like I was saying that I was better than him. That wasn't my intention. I don't ever want to say things that would hurt his feelings. Traci forgave me. I am happy that he did. Today really went smoothly because I felt like the feelings between us were good.
I did tell him that I was grateful for all the good things that have been happening. I told Traci that when he was mad at me yesterday, I just prayed that I would feel ok. I just wanted to chat with him, but he was mad at me and didn't want to talk to me. Then out of the blue, Thad contacted me. I had forgotten how much I care for Thad. I have forgotten how much he made me feel safe and understood. We went to the temple together. I remember when the church brought out the new policy and he and I went to the temple together and I just cried and cried in the chapel as we waited for our turn to go do a session. Thad being there helped me feel like I wasn't there just facing rejection by myself. Thad was there and I was there. I remember I just cried and cried during that whole session. He brought me a lot of comfort. We talked about how much I have learned from being at the temple. I told him that it is the only real reason why I was able to face the loneliness. It was really a blessing. I just wanted to talk to my Best Friend Cousin, but Thad came instead. It was funny because Thad just told me that he missed me and wanted to reach out and see how I was doing.
The other idea that I really liked about today was, the relationship of a married couple is between 3 people. It is the wife, the husband and God. We as individuals are meant to learn how to develop with our experiences with our families and then the ultimate relationship is the one in marriage. BUT, if we don't know how to build a relationship with God, then we aren't ready to be married. If we aren't able to deeply connect with friends, we aren't ready for a marriage. The Lord seems to help us build up slowly and surely and then give us the ultimate blessings. Even if we're good friends, it doesn't mean we are able to speak with God. He is the one that knows all and knows what will and what will not work with the wife and husband. If we as individuals can't receive revelation and communicate with divinity, we are not truly prepared to be the best people we need to be. I am grateful that I don't have an issue with this ideal. I can hear God's voice, I can feel His influence, I can tell the difference between my own thoughts and His thoughts for me. I find this idea that revelation and the ability to communicate with Divinity is so paramount!
I have also learned that when we do what we've been told we must do from our Heavenly Father, He gives us what we truly want, as secondary affects. It is also usually a lot better than we had ever hoped for as well. It is so true the saying, 'When we save and help others, we save and help ourselves'. The scriptures say, "When you've done it to the least of these my brethern, you've done it unto me."
The other reference is this one:"When you are in the service of your fellow man, you're in the service of your God."
Intentional behavior and just being nice because that is what you wish all people to receive, is really a wonderful way to live. I have always wanted to see with eyes unclouded by hate. I also really want to be able to have people feel the Spirit of God when I walk into a room, when people speak to me, or when they look upon me. I want to reflect wonder!
I have also given up my attitude with Cory. I was reminded that if I want chances to change, I need to give them to others. I gave up my interview with another agency in Las Vegas. I don't want to be guilty of standing in the way of another's progression. I felt like moving to Vegas would only stop Cory's progression. I don't want to be guilty of that. I want grace, mercy, patience and opportunities to change. How could I ask that if I had walked away from Cory. I know that if I moved to Vegas, it would seal Cory's fate to something more awful and I would be responsible for some of it.
The other reason I wanted to leave Utah, is because I'm tired of being the outsider of everything that I do. I'm tired of feeling out of place in a land of Zion. I want to feel like I'm being judged all the time because of how I act, speak and express myself. I just want to be myself, be happy and not have to defend my choices of how I choose to live my life.
.... The craziness of all that happened to me was, I saw Tristan at a restaurant that I stopped by to get some food. I entered Panda Express and stood in line looking at what I wanted to eat. Then looking in to the seating area, I saw him. I panicked! I pulled out my phone, pretended to answer and literally ran out. As much as I hate him for treating me so horrible and neglecting me and throwing me away, I still love him. I hate that I still care for him. I care enough about him to want to reconnect. Yet, there are times when I wish that he would fight for our friendship. I wish he would prove that he cared, but he doesn't. I don't think that he ever did. I think he just used me and I was a stupid hoe. I miss him and hate him at the same time.
I also had a good conversation with one of the 8 pineapples that we all hung out with in our college days. I am the only one that still goes to church. I am the only one that isn't in a relationship. I am the only one that can participate in the Temple. It makes me feel alone, yet I am happy that I have paid a heavy price to be able to feel the peace and calm that I do from becoming closer with God. I am glad that I have learned wonderful lessons in the past year! I am so very blessed.
With all the lessons that I have learned in the past year, I become more OK with the idea of being alone every time I think about it. The ache doesn't go away, but the calm and peace comes a lot faster when I ask for it to go away. I feel like I can make it back to Heavenly Father.
.... I love you Delysia... and I miss you so much!
.... The craziness of all that happened to me was, I saw Tristan at a restaurant that I stopped by to get some food. I entered Panda Express and stood in line looking at what I wanted to eat. Then looking in to the seating area, I saw him. I panicked! I pulled out my phone, pretended to answer and literally ran out. As much as I hate him for treating me so horrible and neglecting me and throwing me away, I still love him. I hate that I still care for him. I care enough about him to want to reconnect. Yet, there are times when I wish that he would fight for our friendship. I wish he would prove that he cared, but he doesn't. I don't think that he ever did. I think he just used me and I was a stupid hoe. I miss him and hate him at the same time.
I also had a good conversation with one of the 8 pineapples that we all hung out with in our college days. I am the only one that still goes to church. I am the only one that isn't in a relationship. I am the only one that can participate in the Temple. It makes me feel alone, yet I am happy that I have paid a heavy price to be able to feel the peace and calm that I do from becoming closer with God. I am glad that I have learned wonderful lessons in the past year! I am so very blessed.
With all the lessons that I have learned in the past year, I become more OK with the idea of being alone every time I think about it. The ache doesn't go away, but the calm and peace comes a lot faster when I ask for it to go away. I feel like I can make it back to Heavenly Father.
.... I love you Delysia... and I miss you so much!
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