In the past couple of weeks have been hard with my relationship with Cory Beth. I know I've shared my thoughts with you about my wavering feelings for him and about him. Cory called me the other day and wanted to see how I was doing. He was driving home and asked me about what was going on between us. I had written him an email about the things that would be lost to him if he didn't start taking our arrangement more seriously. I assume because of that email, he wanted to start making repairs.
He asked me about how I felt about our relationship. I told him that I feel anxious around him. I felt like I was being used. I felt like in a year, we were at the same place as we were before. He shared that he didn't really understand how our arrangement really works. When he told me that, I really got irritated about it. He has had a year to think about this and find out by asking God! He has chosen not to think about this until a year later?! I then shared with him that I don't really think that he cares all that much. I shared that I felt like the arrangement that we have isn't something that he's all that interested in. I also told him that I didn't feel safe or cared for by him, so I wanted to step away.
He responded that he was happy that I was willing to share how I felt when it was hard. He said that he was happy that I was willing to talk with him. He was thankful for my kindness and felt like he needed to work on some things. That was all he said.
Then he texted me a couple of days later asking if I was going to be around for us to hang out. He told me he was going to be in town and wanted to go to dinner. I told him that I may be able to hang out. Though, I knew that I needed to be available to speak to him, even though I didn't want to be available. He told me that he had some appointments but would be around 4. He showed up around 3 and he left around 8. He was all happy and excited. I was a hot mess, in my pj's cleaning the house. We sat in my room and talked about his life and what he wanted to be doing. He got an offer to work for 3M. He was going to hang out with his sister and mom and the family. He told me that his little brother is going to get married in San Diego in Feb. He was happy about that. He hasn't met her yet, but his mom doesn't have any reservations about her, like she had over his ex-wife and most recent ex-girlfriend.
I asked Cory what he saw in my countenance. He just told me that I seemed scared. He said that I am behaving like I'm scared. He mentioned that I wasn't looking at him and that I seemed more reserved. In truth, I was scared. I was scared that I would say snarky things to him. I don't know how to be friends with dudes that are completely bro's.
There were a lot of long senses of silence between topics of conversation. He asked me how I got revelation. I told him that the revelation just comes. I'm not sure what I am doing where it comes so easily. He told me that he was listening to a talk from conference and received the impression that he needs times of peace and silence to hear the voice of God. But he mentioned that it was really hard for him to be driving and be in silence. He said that he gets so bored and needs to have music playing or talking to someone. I then asked him how he felt about our arrangement. He said that he doesn't understand it, but he's willing to try again. I asked him what motivates him to want to continue our arrangement. He said that he wants all the good things that I have in his life. He wants to be better at talking and interacting with people, he wants charity, he wants discernment, he wants to be able to love and just be better. I then asked him what his expectations were from me. He said that he wanted me to be his friend and to help him get all the good things that I have, to help him and teach him. Then after that, we went to dinner.
At dinner, I told him that he avoids conflict amazingly. I told him that conflict resolution is really important and that it is something that he may need to work on. He told me that he doesn't like to listen about negative things. He also said that his Ex was never satisfied with his actions of trying to fix things. She would give him problems to solve and would demand that he fix them. He said that what he did try, she didn't like it, so why would he try then? He also said that avoiding conflict is better because who wants to talk about negative things? It's not good, it doesn't do any good. I told him that I don't always resolve conflict with everyone. I look at conflict resolution as a way to show love and affection for the people that I'm having conflict with. He then said, so if people don't resolve conflict with you, you don't feel loved? I said, I wanted a chance to make things right. If I am doing things that really hurt my friends/family, I want to know what I am doing, so I can fix it. I gave an example of Traci and I. Traci sometimes talks to me like I'm stupid and I hate when he talks to me like that. But I also know that Traci is expressing his love for me when he does that because he doesn't want me to be doing stupid things, so he'll give me suggestions to fix my stupidity. I don't like that way, but he doesn't know better and he's trying. So I share how I feel and accept him and he tells me that he's sorry. Conflict is resolved. I don't bring up stuff from the past, I hold a grudge because I love him. Me loving him helps me forget that he bites. He seemed to agree.
Then I asked him if he felt if he and I had conflict. He said that he didn't have any from his end but he did feel like I had some. He felt like I had issues that he wasn't talking to me or it may have to do with him not reciprocating or that he wasn't always doing the things that I suggested to him. I told him that I didn't expect much from him as a friend. I told him that I don't think friendship is really what he wants, he wants a marriage not friends. I also told him that I didn't really care that he didn't do the things that I suggested, what was frustrating was when I would ask if he prayed about it, he would say he didn't get an answer, so he didn't do it. I said that he knows when God says no, so because he didn't say no, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it because He was silent. And then finally I said that I was frustrated with him not because he wasn't talking to me or being friendly or doing the things that I suggested, it was because his actions and his words don't match. He said that he would do certain things and then he wouldn't do them. Cory then told me that of all the friends that he has, he speaks to me the most. I said that he said that he would talk to me everyday, that he would talk to 5 people each day, that he would talk to his sister everyday. He hasn't done any of those things consistently in the past year. How can I trust him if he won't do what he says he will do? I can't trust him if he tells me he will do something and then he won't do it. It tells me that he doesn't care. It tells me that his words of him wanting to change are just that, words. He doesn't have the motivation to really change, because it's not something that he really wants. He said that he was grateful that we were able to talk about all of this. When the check came, he said that it was his turn to pay for me, that it was his turn to treat me after all the things that I have given him.
What really made me really sad and heart broken about all of this was, he never asked me what I wanted from the arrangement. He didn't really seem all that concerned that he is the only one benefiting. He said that he felt like he was better with people and willing to open up and interact. He said that has been because he's tried to do stuff. For me, I think, I haven't changed while interacting with him. I still feel anxious around him. I just felt like even though he took me to dinner, that he drove there, that he came over to my house and chatted for 5 hrs, that he took time out of his day to speak with me, the motivation isn't really there. I don't believe that he really wants to change. I also don't believe that he cares about me.
What hurts me about this whole thing is, I never wanted to make the same mistake my mom made in loving and supporting men that never knew how special, grand and amazing she was. They have never known how much of a treasure she really is until it was too late. They never have treated her the way she should have been. They never saw her true worth and value. I did that once with Tristan and told myself that I would NEVER do that again. But here I am, being asked to foster a relationship with a man that cannot see my worth... he doesn't see, he doesn't love, he doesn't care....
.... it makes me really appreciative of Traci. I know he loves me and knows how wonderful I am and I with him.
Just 9 months and Cory is gone out of my life. It is strange to foster a relationship with someone when you're pretty sure it ends at a specific time. 9 months more and he is gone from my life forever.
....
I have noticed that Cory is willing to say things, like 'love you' at the end of some of our conversations on the phone. And he told me that he's trying to invite me to be a part of his life with info that he shares. So I will try my hardest to be as gracious as I can be.
....
Just 9 more months... we first met each other Aug 13 of 2015. We are back at square one. He has made good effort.... just 9 more months. ...
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