Dear Delysia,
I went to lunch with Boo Boo Kitty today. I love her. She has been such a blessing to me. She has been a true and great friend. She asked me straight out why I am emotional. She said that she could see me being emotional. I burst. I cried and told her how I felt about mom, my life, my most recent talk with Cory Beth, how I missed Traci, how I felt about Boo Boo moving. I just cried and tried to be positive about all of it and to not villainize Cory Beth. Cory Beth is a good man.
Boo Boo gave me a hug and gave me some of her thoughts. She said that sometimes God gives us tools and strength to break the bonds and chains of our challenges. Then other times, God gives us the strength to bare the burdens. She said that God doesn't often give many the strength to bare burdens and not ever given the time when it will end, if not at the end of their lives. She said that she felt like I was a very wonderful Spirit with such strength and given many blessings. She said that she felt like I was a great example to many for not many face such unique challenges that would almost destroy any other person.
Caitlynn has been such a blessing to me! I love her so much! I am thankful that she's willing to listen to me and just be there, to listen and love me. She's been so kind to me! :)
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Peace and Comfort
Dear Delysia,
Last night, I was really happy to talk to Mama and Cory Beth. Mama was feeling really bad last night. She was struggling with the events that are happening in her life: she is losing her house and is really concerned with the animals. Her dog, Stubby passed while she was packing up her home day by day. Her husband and the youngest child doesn't help Mama. They are really nasty and negative and mama is getting to a point where she is just giving up. I hate hearing that type of report from my siblings. It makes me worry about Mama and her well being. Though, at the end of the conversation, she said that she loved me and was really appreciative of the encouragement and positive perspectives on her situation throughout this whole process. That made me really happy. I told her that on my mission, when things got really hard and unbearable, I would think: If mom can do it, so can I." She said that she knew that and was happy that she could be of help. She said that she was sad, but she knew that things would work out. She just wasn't sure how they were going to work out.
Then I spoke with Cory Beth. He was really happy. He was happy that he went on a luncheon with a girl that he met in Minnesota. The girl with a name that started with a C. She moved here to go to school and so he has become good friends with her. He was able to talk to this girl he met at a Social Club for helping out the community, Amelia. He was also really happy that he's been able to be social with these girls. He had to leave to help his roommate who didn't have a car. I laughed and told him that it seemed that his attitude about stuff was changing. On the scale of Good, Better, Best. He seemed to be in the transition from Good to Better. Then I asked him if he was going to keep his end of the deal of taking out Sarah out as a result of him not talking to 8 people. He paused and said that he wasn't sure. I then told him that he didn't need to do something that he didn't feel comfortable with. So I told him the deal was off. I told him that I don't want him to do something he feels forced into. He then said that he could go to lunch with Sarah. I told him that it was too late now. I told her that Cory wasn't going to take her out. Then I told him that since he didn't feel comfortable with going on dates with girls that he wasn't interested in, and that was the deal that we made to help him stay accountable, that he didn't need to tell me if he spoke to 8 new people each day or not. I wasn't going to have him just buy me things when he didn't speak to 8 new people, I wanted his 'rewards' to be about him being a better person by being put into positions where he could be a blessing to others without anything in return. But since that was really uncomfortable, we don't need to bring it up again. He then said that that is not what he wanted. I told him, that he could still speak to 8 people each day, I just didn't need to know about it. I needed to know because he wanted to be held accountable.
When I told him that we didn't need to talk about the 8 new people, I felt my heartache with anger. Yet, I was so very pleasant and kind when I spoke to him about it. I felt that yet again, this is another reason why I can't trust him. He doesn't do what he says he'll do. He says all these flowery, beautiful things and doesn't do them. He says he'll do things and then doesn't do them. The things that I asked him to do, he doesn't want to do. He would rather give up his world for strangers rather than for people that have vested interest in him. I was mad. I didn't cry. I felt like, there is no need to cling to anything that he says. His words and behavior don't match. He likes to paint this picture of who he thinks he is. That picture is far more beautiful than what he actually is in real life. I don't want him in my life anymore. I told God last night that I didn't want him in my life anymore. I also said that I would keep my word and help him till April, but after that, I was done with him forever!
I miss Traci so much! I miss hearing his voice. I feel like Traci loves me. He thinks of me on a whim and calls me or sends me a message. Tomorrow is his birthday and I wish I was with him to celebrate with him! I love him. I am so thankful that he cares and loves me too. I am grateful that I actually believe that Traci loves me. He's so adorable!
I prayed that I would be given the strength to be able to do what is asked of me with a good attitude. I prayed that what amounts of kindness and comfort that came would be enough. I prayed that I could continue to be kind and supportive to those I felt didn't care for me or felt like they were using me. I felt peace and comfort.
Last night, I was really happy to talk to Mama and Cory Beth. Mama was feeling really bad last night. She was struggling with the events that are happening in her life: she is losing her house and is really concerned with the animals. Her dog, Stubby passed while she was packing up her home day by day. Her husband and the youngest child doesn't help Mama. They are really nasty and negative and mama is getting to a point where she is just giving up. I hate hearing that type of report from my siblings. It makes me worry about Mama and her well being. Though, at the end of the conversation, she said that she loved me and was really appreciative of the encouragement and positive perspectives on her situation throughout this whole process. That made me really happy. I told her that on my mission, when things got really hard and unbearable, I would think: If mom can do it, so can I." She said that she knew that and was happy that she could be of help. She said that she was sad, but she knew that things would work out. She just wasn't sure how they were going to work out.
Then I spoke with Cory Beth. He was really happy. He was happy that he went on a luncheon with a girl that he met in Minnesota. The girl with a name that started with a C. She moved here to go to school and so he has become good friends with her. He was able to talk to this girl he met at a Social Club for helping out the community, Amelia. He was also really happy that he's been able to be social with these girls. He had to leave to help his roommate who didn't have a car. I laughed and told him that it seemed that his attitude about stuff was changing. On the scale of Good, Better, Best. He seemed to be in the transition from Good to Better. Then I asked him if he was going to keep his end of the deal of taking out Sarah out as a result of him not talking to 8 people. He paused and said that he wasn't sure. I then told him that he didn't need to do something that he didn't feel comfortable with. So I told him the deal was off. I told him that I don't want him to do something he feels forced into. He then said that he could go to lunch with Sarah. I told him that it was too late now. I told her that Cory wasn't going to take her out. Then I told him that since he didn't feel comfortable with going on dates with girls that he wasn't interested in, and that was the deal that we made to help him stay accountable, that he didn't need to tell me if he spoke to 8 new people each day or not. I wasn't going to have him just buy me things when he didn't speak to 8 new people, I wanted his 'rewards' to be about him being a better person by being put into positions where he could be a blessing to others without anything in return. But since that was really uncomfortable, we don't need to bring it up again. He then said that that is not what he wanted. I told him, that he could still speak to 8 people each day, I just didn't need to know about it. I needed to know because he wanted to be held accountable.
When I told him that we didn't need to talk about the 8 new people, I felt my heartache with anger. Yet, I was so very pleasant and kind when I spoke to him about it. I felt that yet again, this is another reason why I can't trust him. He doesn't do what he says he'll do. He says all these flowery, beautiful things and doesn't do them. He says he'll do things and then doesn't do them. The things that I asked him to do, he doesn't want to do. He would rather give up his world for strangers rather than for people that have vested interest in him. I was mad. I didn't cry. I felt like, there is no need to cling to anything that he says. His words and behavior don't match. He likes to paint this picture of who he thinks he is. That picture is far more beautiful than what he actually is in real life. I don't want him in my life anymore. I told God last night that I didn't want him in my life anymore. I also said that I would keep my word and help him till April, but after that, I was done with him forever!
I miss Traci so much! I miss hearing his voice. I feel like Traci loves me. He thinks of me on a whim and calls me or sends me a message. Tomorrow is his birthday and I wish I was with him to celebrate with him! I love him. I am so thankful that he cares and loves me too. I am grateful that I actually believe that Traci loves me. He's so adorable!
I prayed that I would be given the strength to be able to do what is asked of me with a good attitude. I prayed that what amounts of kindness and comfort that came would be enough. I prayed that I could continue to be kind and supportive to those I felt didn't care for me or felt like they were using me. I felt peace and comfort.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Changes in Cory Beth
Dear Delysia,
In the past couple of weeks, I have been noticing a lot of changes in Cory Beth. He is more sociable. He is more willing to be himself in most situations that I have seen him in. He has tried really hard to be attentive to me and has tried to be a better friend.
I have thought about how this has occurred. Traci is gone for a month. I have always been drawn to Traci because Traci makes me feel like I am a priority to him. Traci will often take time out of his day to talk to me, even when it is inconvenient to him. I know that I am not always a priority, but I feel like there are moments when I am. I also love Traci a lot. I feel like he cares and loves me. But now that Traci is abroad in Thailand, I don't have him to run too and chat with. Plus I am still mad at Traci for being a poop to me.
Cory Beth has called me almost everyday since he's gotten back from his internship. He said that since his work load is a lot less this semester and that he has a job to go to in the summer, he's got more time. In the most recent times he's called me, he's expressed concern about my happiness in the future. He has expressed concern that he doesn't want me to be sad all the time. He told me that he thinks that a lot of the time, I am sad and doesn't like that idea. One time he told me that he wished that he could just take all the pain that I feel with my situation away. During that conversation he also said that he wish that he knew better on understanding the feelings that I was feeling: the loneliness, the feeling stuck and abandoned. Yet, on the same breath, he feels that God doesn't leave us alone, he doesn't abandon us. Then another time, he just wanted to see how I was doing. He wanted to make sure that I was happy and always wants to know why I am feeling the way that I do.
Today, he called and spent some time with his family and his sister. His sister is a pineapple too. He was really happy that he was able to spend time with her, even though she ignores his phone calls and text messages. He was concerned that her relationship with her girlfriend will ultimately lead her to being away from the church and not becoming who she needs to be. He doesn't know, but it's too late. She won't be coming back for several years later. So, the opportunity now, is to love her and support her and when the time comes for her to come back, he'll be there waiting for her. I liked that he shared that his mom and dad worry that she doesn't want to be around them when she gets home from work. Yet, Kayla has said that when she gets home from work, she just wants alone time. Cory said that their dad really feels rejected by her not talking to them.
Kayla also told Cory about how her new girlfriend has bipolar depression. Kayla also plans to move in with her girlfriend in November. So he is a little stressed out. He said that he wishes that Kayla would live a life as a nun like I do. I chuckle at that thought, because I've had to pay a heavy price to be in a position to come to terms with that everyday. Kayla can barely function without a girlfriend. Cory did say that he is willing to be supportive of Kayla, but he doesn't really want her to be dating. I asked him if he has told her that. He said no. I told him that he may want to let her know where he stands in all of this, but to reassure her that he's there to love her no matter what. He said that he doesn't want to be another family member that harps on her about the pineapple thing. He just wants to love her.
Then Cory Beth asked about me and how I was doing. I told him that I was good so far. I told him that I was feeling like there is no place left for me in my singles ward. I feel like it's time to move on. He asked why I felt that way. I told him that I can't keep lying about my age. I told him that the main lessons and speeches from the ward is marriage and dating. I can't participate in that, so I might as well just leave. Boo Boo is moving to SLC, Alexis is moving to NYC, Torie is a baby, the rest of the girls are in a position to go on dates and to have boyfriends. I won't sit around and watch them enjoy their dream. There isn't a place for me there, so I should move on to the family ward. I laughed and told him that I would just sit on the back row with all the widows, waiting to die. Cory explained that he didn't like that idea. He said that all of us should be loving and be willing to help one another and to just be nice and considerate of others. I chuckled at the idea that he would say that. He's not that good at that at all! I am far better than he is at being loving and inclusive. Then I told him that is my fate. Either way, I will still be isolated. In the family ward is the dying ground. I will be the old, single pineapple man in the ward. Cory said that he didn't want to see me sad at church. I told him that he won't. I won't be living in Minnesota! LOL.
He then started going on about how he wants me to come visit him in Minnesota. He first said that he wanted me to come stay with him on the couch or his bed. Then he said that he'll just have a mattress at his home with mint green sheets, so then I could come and stay with him and I'd be happy. I laughed and said, " OH Cory Beth, why are you so adorable?" He responded that he's just trying to take care of me. I giggled and said that I didn't need a man for that. I can take care of myself. LOL. He laughed too. I find that thought though, really endearing. My friendship with Cory Beth is changing. It is changing a lot faster and more endurable than what I thought it could have ever have been. I am sort of in shock and yet, I am not sure if it's real. Maybe it is as real as it's going to get. That is all that matters, I suppose. He's a good man.
I believe that I will save him in some way. I think that I save him from a world of heartache. Our relationship is the type, where he'll build a foundation where all his divine potential can have a place to grow and have a well of living water to spring from. That is what he and I are doing now. What I receive from him? A good example. He has told me many times that he's very impressed with how wonderful a friend I am. I can't really say the same about him, but I am pleased that he finds interest in me. He told me that he prays for my well being and happiness. He also told me that he puts my name in the temple almost every time he goes, which is weekly. He cares for me. I just need to learn to accept what he's willing and what he does do.
You know, it's really funny. He reminds me so much of Tristan in the idea that he probably thinks about me and worries for me, but he never cares to share that concern. Yet, Cory Beth has been like that before, but in the more recent days, he's been more willing to share with me how he feels and his concerns. I am very appreciative of that.
I am very blessed that I have a mother that has taught me how to be a blessing! I am a blessing and a treasure! It makes me really happy that I've noticed the good that can come from just being me.
I love you Delysia! Thank you for everything!
In the past couple of weeks, I have been noticing a lot of changes in Cory Beth. He is more sociable. He is more willing to be himself in most situations that I have seen him in. He has tried really hard to be attentive to me and has tried to be a better friend.
I have thought about how this has occurred. Traci is gone for a month. I have always been drawn to Traci because Traci makes me feel like I am a priority to him. Traci will often take time out of his day to talk to me, even when it is inconvenient to him. I know that I am not always a priority, but I feel like there are moments when I am. I also love Traci a lot. I feel like he cares and loves me. But now that Traci is abroad in Thailand, I don't have him to run too and chat with. Plus I am still mad at Traci for being a poop to me.
Cory Beth has called me almost everyday since he's gotten back from his internship. He said that since his work load is a lot less this semester and that he has a job to go to in the summer, he's got more time. In the most recent times he's called me, he's expressed concern about my happiness in the future. He has expressed concern that he doesn't want me to be sad all the time. He told me that he thinks that a lot of the time, I am sad and doesn't like that idea. One time he told me that he wished that he could just take all the pain that I feel with my situation away. During that conversation he also said that he wish that he knew better on understanding the feelings that I was feeling: the loneliness, the feeling stuck and abandoned. Yet, on the same breath, he feels that God doesn't leave us alone, he doesn't abandon us. Then another time, he just wanted to see how I was doing. He wanted to make sure that I was happy and always wants to know why I am feeling the way that I do.
Today, he called and spent some time with his family and his sister. His sister is a pineapple too. He was really happy that he was able to spend time with her, even though she ignores his phone calls and text messages. He was concerned that her relationship with her girlfriend will ultimately lead her to being away from the church and not becoming who she needs to be. He doesn't know, but it's too late. She won't be coming back for several years later. So, the opportunity now, is to love her and support her and when the time comes for her to come back, he'll be there waiting for her. I liked that he shared that his mom and dad worry that she doesn't want to be around them when she gets home from work. Yet, Kayla has said that when she gets home from work, she just wants alone time. Cory said that their dad really feels rejected by her not talking to them.
Kayla also told Cory about how her new girlfriend has bipolar depression. Kayla also plans to move in with her girlfriend in November. So he is a little stressed out. He said that he wishes that Kayla would live a life as a nun like I do. I chuckle at that thought, because I've had to pay a heavy price to be in a position to come to terms with that everyday. Kayla can barely function without a girlfriend. Cory did say that he is willing to be supportive of Kayla, but he doesn't really want her to be dating. I asked him if he has told her that. He said no. I told him that he may want to let her know where he stands in all of this, but to reassure her that he's there to love her no matter what. He said that he doesn't want to be another family member that harps on her about the pineapple thing. He just wants to love her.
Then Cory Beth asked about me and how I was doing. I told him that I was good so far. I told him that I was feeling like there is no place left for me in my singles ward. I feel like it's time to move on. He asked why I felt that way. I told him that I can't keep lying about my age. I told him that the main lessons and speeches from the ward is marriage and dating. I can't participate in that, so I might as well just leave. Boo Boo is moving to SLC, Alexis is moving to NYC, Torie is a baby, the rest of the girls are in a position to go on dates and to have boyfriends. I won't sit around and watch them enjoy their dream. There isn't a place for me there, so I should move on to the family ward. I laughed and told him that I would just sit on the back row with all the widows, waiting to die. Cory explained that he didn't like that idea. He said that all of us should be loving and be willing to help one another and to just be nice and considerate of others. I chuckled at the idea that he would say that. He's not that good at that at all! I am far better than he is at being loving and inclusive. Then I told him that is my fate. Either way, I will still be isolated. In the family ward is the dying ground. I will be the old, single pineapple man in the ward. Cory said that he didn't want to see me sad at church. I told him that he won't. I won't be living in Minnesota! LOL.
He then started going on about how he wants me to come visit him in Minnesota. He first said that he wanted me to come stay with him on the couch or his bed. Then he said that he'll just have a mattress at his home with mint green sheets, so then I could come and stay with him and I'd be happy. I laughed and said, " OH Cory Beth, why are you so adorable?" He responded that he's just trying to take care of me. I giggled and said that I didn't need a man for that. I can take care of myself. LOL. He laughed too. I find that thought though, really endearing. My friendship with Cory Beth is changing. It is changing a lot faster and more endurable than what I thought it could have ever have been. I am sort of in shock and yet, I am not sure if it's real. Maybe it is as real as it's going to get. That is all that matters, I suppose. He's a good man.
I believe that I will save him in some way. I think that I save him from a world of heartache. Our relationship is the type, where he'll build a foundation where all his divine potential can have a place to grow and have a well of living water to spring from. That is what he and I are doing now. What I receive from him? A good example. He has told me many times that he's very impressed with how wonderful a friend I am. I can't really say the same about him, but I am pleased that he finds interest in me. He told me that he prays for my well being and happiness. He also told me that he puts my name in the temple almost every time he goes, which is weekly. He cares for me. I just need to learn to accept what he's willing and what he does do.
You know, it's really funny. He reminds me so much of Tristan in the idea that he probably thinks about me and worries for me, but he never cares to share that concern. Yet, Cory Beth has been like that before, but in the more recent days, he's been more willing to share with me how he feels and his concerns. I am very appreciative of that.
I am very blessed that I have a mother that has taught me how to be a blessing! I am a blessing and a treasure! It makes me really happy that I've noticed the good that can come from just being me.
I love you Delysia! Thank you for everything!
My Mission President
Dear Delysia,
My mission President was an amazing man. During my mission, I wasn't always sure if he liked me or believed in me. The mission was a hard time in my life. I was ridiculed and questioned a lot because of the way that people perceived me. For the most part, they were not wrong that they thought that I was a pineapple, it was all the crap that was associated with that title. It meant that I was unworthy, I was deviant, that I didn't belong to the community. I endured it to the best of my ability. I think that I did a really good job. I made my mistakes, but I felt like I did my best. At the end of my mission, I asked the Lord if He had accepted my offering, if he was pleased with my effort and sacrifice. He told me he did.
It wasn't till much later that President Osguthorpe told me that he didn't have much faith in my abilities nor did he feel like I had the capacities to make a good missionary. He told me that he had some very serious reservations about me and my ability to stay on a mission. The fact that I was a pineapple, made him very concerned. He told me that he was incredibly impressed with how I was able to make miracles happen. He said that I was good at sizing up situations, sizing up people, seeing their needs and then satisfying their needs. He said that he was very impressed with my abilities to turn a place of desolation into a blossoming place of wonder.
So consequently, I have tried to stay in contact with him. He has been a good influence in my life for good, as much as I have let him. Periodically, I call him to just chat and see how he is doing. He was the general President of the Sunday School and is now currently serving as a Temple president.
The other day, I was thinking that I should call him and ask him about how he has felt his service in the Temple has changed his life. After all, he has pretty much shown that he obeys the commands that come to him, what does he find blesses him in serving in the Temple all day for 5 years?
These are his thoughts:
1. It brings out a sweetness about you.
2. You are literally saving souls.
3. You're refined.
"You realize that the things that we are facing, don't really matter. They are temporary. You begin to see what really matters the most."
4. It has an accumulative effect on your soul.
5. It brings out the Godliness in you.
After the short conversation about that, he said that he needed to go for other engagements needed. He then ended our conversation with this:
"You are a hero to us. You go twice a week. You are a hero to us for doing the right."
My mission President was an amazing man. During my mission, I wasn't always sure if he liked me or believed in me. The mission was a hard time in my life. I was ridiculed and questioned a lot because of the way that people perceived me. For the most part, they were not wrong that they thought that I was a pineapple, it was all the crap that was associated with that title. It meant that I was unworthy, I was deviant, that I didn't belong to the community. I endured it to the best of my ability. I think that I did a really good job. I made my mistakes, but I felt like I did my best. At the end of my mission, I asked the Lord if He had accepted my offering, if he was pleased with my effort and sacrifice. He told me he did.
It wasn't till much later that President Osguthorpe told me that he didn't have much faith in my abilities nor did he feel like I had the capacities to make a good missionary. He told me that he had some very serious reservations about me and my ability to stay on a mission. The fact that I was a pineapple, made him very concerned. He told me that he was incredibly impressed with how I was able to make miracles happen. He said that I was good at sizing up situations, sizing up people, seeing their needs and then satisfying their needs. He said that he was very impressed with my abilities to turn a place of desolation into a blossoming place of wonder.
So consequently, I have tried to stay in contact with him. He has been a good influence in my life for good, as much as I have let him. Periodically, I call him to just chat and see how he is doing. He was the general President of the Sunday School and is now currently serving as a Temple president.
The other day, I was thinking that I should call him and ask him about how he has felt his service in the Temple has changed his life. After all, he has pretty much shown that he obeys the commands that come to him, what does he find blesses him in serving in the Temple all day for 5 years?
These are his thoughts:
1. It brings out a sweetness about you.
2. You are literally saving souls.
3. You're refined.
"You realize that the things that we are facing, don't really matter. They are temporary. You begin to see what really matters the most."
4. It has an accumulative effect on your soul.
5. It brings out the Godliness in you.
After the short conversation about that, he said that he needed to go for other engagements needed. He then ended our conversation with this:
"You are a hero to us. You go twice a week. You are a hero to us for doing the right."
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
A day with Boo Boo Kitty
Dear Delysia,
Yesterday, I had a great afternoon with my Cousin, Boo Boo Kitty. She had called me the night before and I cried and cried to her about my melt downs with my life situations. So yesterday she asked me to see her at her home and eat delicious food.
Boo Boo made this sausage, cabbage, roasted pear dish! She shared with me that her sister, Tamara had left for Wales for her masters program. She started crying and said that she felt hatred towards her sister. Tamara has a hard time being kind or considerate of others feelings. She is a bully very often to others and can do no wrong, under the guise of being 'self-expressive'. Boo Boo then talked about this guy she went on a date with. He's tall, handsome, muscular and didn't have much interest in education because he picks things up pretty well. She showed me a picture of him. He was handsome. She said that he wasn't really impressed with the idea that he didn't have much emphasis on education. She also said that he wasn't very charismatic. I thought that was interesting, given that she described him as being a 'bro' type guy. That is probably a good thing for the guy.
Boo Boo and I made a deal, where if I didn't have a DTR with Cory Beth for a week, that she would take me to Communal for dessert. So I won and asked her to pay up. So we went to that restaurant and we ate butterscotch pudding. It was really good! During that time, I told her the boundaries I put on my relationship with Traci and accepting my relationship with Cory Beth. I shared with her that Cory Beth said that he wanted me to be more interested in his life with girls and dating. Yet at the same breath, he said that he was very uncomfortable because he felt like hypocrite. He wanted me to be more interested in his life but wasn't really interested in mine. He didn't say if he would try to be, yet why would I ask for him to try to be interested in my life? As a friend, I feel like you naturally do that. So I shared with Boo Boo that I want is to feel like I am a priority, that I matter. I feel like Cory Beth treats our friendship like scraps. He'll talk to me when he's got nothing else to do or isn't bothered by other things. He gives me the scraps of his time. When it's convenient, he'll give the left overs to me. I have sacrificed all that I have to be a good friend to him, be supportive and just be a good friend because that is what friends do: you love your friends. Boo Boo said then that it was really hard to be in relationship where one loves more than the other. She said that she was sorry that I was the one that loved more than him. She also said that she really was disgusted with Cory for saying what he did about not being interested in my life, but he wanted more from me in his life.
We then went on a hike and talked more about Boo Boo leaving to live in SLC. She doesn't have a support system up there. She wants to get a calling that will really push her to be active with the ward. She also told me that in October that she'll revisit her relationship with Reid. I was really excited for that! I see that her relationship with him isn't over. What that means in the future? I don't really know, but I do know that their relationship isn't done.
I love Boo Boo Kitty! She brings me a lot of peace! I am so happy that she is my friend! She brings me such peace. She told me that she is a grounding force to my crazy! HAHAHAA... she likes to kill the fantasy sometimes! giggles... but it's important that she does that.
I am happy Delysia. I am really happy that I was able to just be myself and release all my crazy. Boo Boo says I should go back to therapy, so I am going back. I am an ocean of crazy and I should probably go back and get my ocean to stay calm. Though, sharing how I feel about stuff, really helps me.
Love you Delysia!
Yesterday, I had a great afternoon with my Cousin, Boo Boo Kitty. She had called me the night before and I cried and cried to her about my melt downs with my life situations. So yesterday she asked me to see her at her home and eat delicious food.
Boo Boo made this sausage, cabbage, roasted pear dish! She shared with me that her sister, Tamara had left for Wales for her masters program. She started crying and said that she felt hatred towards her sister. Tamara has a hard time being kind or considerate of others feelings. She is a bully very often to others and can do no wrong, under the guise of being 'self-expressive'. Boo Boo then talked about this guy she went on a date with. He's tall, handsome, muscular and didn't have much interest in education because he picks things up pretty well. She showed me a picture of him. He was handsome. She said that he wasn't really impressed with the idea that he didn't have much emphasis on education. She also said that he wasn't very charismatic. I thought that was interesting, given that she described him as being a 'bro' type guy. That is probably a good thing for the guy.
Boo Boo and I made a deal, where if I didn't have a DTR with Cory Beth for a week, that she would take me to Communal for dessert. So I won and asked her to pay up. So we went to that restaurant and we ate butterscotch pudding. It was really good! During that time, I told her the boundaries I put on my relationship with Traci and accepting my relationship with Cory Beth. I shared with her that Cory Beth said that he wanted me to be more interested in his life with girls and dating. Yet at the same breath, he said that he was very uncomfortable because he felt like hypocrite. He wanted me to be more interested in his life but wasn't really interested in mine. He didn't say if he would try to be, yet why would I ask for him to try to be interested in my life? As a friend, I feel like you naturally do that. So I shared with Boo Boo that I want is to feel like I am a priority, that I matter. I feel like Cory Beth treats our friendship like scraps. He'll talk to me when he's got nothing else to do or isn't bothered by other things. He gives me the scraps of his time. When it's convenient, he'll give the left overs to me. I have sacrificed all that I have to be a good friend to him, be supportive and just be a good friend because that is what friends do: you love your friends. Boo Boo said then that it was really hard to be in relationship where one loves more than the other. She said that she was sorry that I was the one that loved more than him. She also said that she really was disgusted with Cory for saying what he did about not being interested in my life, but he wanted more from me in his life.
We then went on a hike and talked more about Boo Boo leaving to live in SLC. She doesn't have a support system up there. She wants to get a calling that will really push her to be active with the ward. She also told me that in October that she'll revisit her relationship with Reid. I was really excited for that! I see that her relationship with him isn't over. What that means in the future? I don't really know, but I do know that their relationship isn't done.
I love Boo Boo Kitty! She brings me a lot of peace! I am so happy that she is my friend! She brings me such peace. She told me that she is a grounding force to my crazy! HAHAHAA... she likes to kill the fantasy sometimes! giggles... but it's important that she does that.
I am happy Delysia. I am really happy that I was able to just be myself and release all my crazy. Boo Boo says I should go back to therapy, so I am going back. I am an ocean of crazy and I should probably go back and get my ocean to stay calm. Though, sharing how I feel about stuff, really helps me.
Love you Delysia!
The Parable of the Elephant
An Elephant and a Dog became pregnant at the same time. Three months down the line, the Dog gave birth to six puppies. Six months later the dog was pregnant again. Nine months passed and the Dog gave birth to another dozen puppies. That pattern continued.
On the eighteenth month, the Dog approached the elephant questioning, "Are you sure that you are pregnant? We became pregnant on the same day. I have given birth three times to a dozen puppies and they are now grown to become big dogs, yet you are still pregnant. What's going on?"
The Elephant replied, "There is something I want you to understand. What I am carrying is not a puppy but an elephant. I only give birth to one in two years. When my baby hits the ground, the earth feels it. When my baby crosses the road, human beings stop and watch in admiration. What I carry draws attention. What I am carrying is mighty and great."
Don't lose faith when you see others receive answer to their prayers. Don't be envious of others testimonies. If you haven't received your own blessings, don't despair.
Say to yourself, "My time is coming and when it hits the surface of the earth, people shall yield in admiration."
Monday, September 19, 2016
The Seppuku Squad
I had a long talk with my friend, Stephen. He and I served together on the EQ presidency. He is not the typical member. He is rather quite content of where he is right now. He's not quite a heretic, though he's not interested in going to the Temple or living some statues of the rules of which are asked of us. Though, I do not hold that against him. He's far more interested in the lives of others around him, that I believe his vices are far out shadowed by his virtues. I miss him. I felt like he really loved me and cared for me, of his own free will. He is now gone, doing his master's program in Chicago, Northwestern.
I told him that I can't go on much longer in the life that I've chosen. I told him that on Saturday I fought myself of whether or not I wanted to go to the Temple. I went after much inner turmoil. I just sat in the walkway and cried. I prayed and yelled, screamed and cried in the prayer. I said that I felt like He was hurting me on purpose! I felt like He was punishing me and took pleasure in watching me hurt, giving me these vague, unrealistic promises of wisping glory at the end of the tunnel. I told Him that I couldn't do it anymore. I was hurting and I was hurting because He placed me in a position where there was no relief, only pain that never ends! After 45 minutes of that, I couldn't stand it anymore and left. I couldn't stand that all I had to share was anger, loneliness, hurt and betrayal. I couldn't stand feeling that feeling that I feel in the Temple: a still, soft sensation in my heart. That feeling wouldn't go away for all my yelling in my prayer. It seemed as if it was a mocking of my feelings. I felt like it was Him saying to me: I know, you're hurt and it's painful, but I am here and it sucks. No relief, no change, just I'm here, too bad.
To add hurt to injury, having Cory Beth call me and drone about girls and how he was going to Cedar City to go on a first date. He spent all day there. He left at noon and didn't get home till midnight. I listened to him for 2 hours talk about how excited he was to go and then drone on about how he should have left earlier than romp in the woods, ride long boards, cuddle, eat food and then come home. I listen to him because that is what he's asked of me, to be more interested in his love conquests and the girls that he's trying to date. I am always amazed at the lengths of effort that he goes through to go on a date and feel validation from a woman. For the people that have vested interest in him, he's not that willing at all. It's disappointing and yet he doesn't know better. I once wished that he would care for me as he does strangers, but I offer him nothing he wants. I have given that hope away and satisfied with the scraps he's willing to give me. Coming to terms with things like that, really makes living in the slums of depravity so much more bearable.
I told Stephen that out of a scale of 1-10 of performing Seppuku, I'm at a 5. Stephen was really concerned. He asked me if I had told anyone else. I told him that I hadn't. Then Stephen asked me why I told him. I told him that I felt like he cared for me without any intent to have anything from me in return. I also told him that I felt like he's a really good listener. Stephen is really good at listening. I felt better sharing with Stephen how I felt. He can't do anything, because he's in Chicago, but it was nice to believe that he cares for me.
I told another friend of mine that I am at that scale, Taylor. He is in the same predicament as me. The main difference is that he's married to a man of his dreams. Taylor knows how I feel, so it was nice to just share how I feel. He cried to me. He was really emotional because he's been in the same situation as I am in. He's been where I have been, feeling isolated and alone. He said that he just let go of all the things that he believed in and just asked God to tell him what to do. He said that God told him to date and be happy. So that is what Taylor did. He told me that now that he's married to Kenneth, he has really yearned for his faith community. Though, he is expecting to be excommunicated because he married Kenneth. In our faith, that is considered apostate behavior. Though Taylor affirms that he has done what he's been told to do by the divine. He said that how he communicated with God is how he got his answers. So he lamented that if he is in the wrong, so is the church for teaching him the false way to speak with God. Taylor then started to cry and was so grateful that he found Kenneth and that he was so sorry that I was feeling alone and feeling abandoned. He held my hand and just squeezed it for a moment. It felt nice to relate and to be related to by one who has walked on the same thorny road as I have.
So yesterday, I asked Cory Beth to give me a blessing. I was told that I needed to ask him from my last Temple trip. So he gave me one last night. I prayed before he came and before he gave me the blessing. I felt the spirit. Cory had mentioned that I said really good prayers and that he felt the spirit. I recorded the blessing, so that I could remember what was told to me. The main things that I remember is that Cory referred to Heavenly Father in a respectful, distance titled way: Our God. He said 'Our God' a lot. In my mind, that is a distant way to refer to Him. The other thing that sticks out in my mind is, the blessing referred to God as having a regard to my life as very precious to Him. I don't know what that means. I imagine that God thinks that my life is important? I don't know, I haven't really thought about it. It also said that God has helped me and comforted me along the way and that I should always remember how often that has come. I was told that my health was enhanced and will continue to do so as I continue to be a good person.Then the last thing that really stuck out was that God has a lot of glory and greatness is in store for me, but what is required is that I praise Him, cling to Him and to not forget Him. I don't know what that greatness is? More suffering, being alone and tortured until I die.
After the blessing, Cory Beth said that he definitely felt the Spirit. I was happy for that. He doesn't really feel the spirit that often.
I feel better writing this all down. I feel better talking to people about how I feel, especially people that I feel care for me, like Taylor and Stephen. I would like to tell mama, but I'm afraid that she would be hurt to know how I feel, so I hide it from her. I don't want mama to worry about me given that she is really sick and afflicted with her health and the men that she's shackled too. I don't want to be a source of her pain. I just want mama to be happy! I sent her some herbal remedies to help her with the swelling on her digestive tract. She said that she's noticed some good differences. I am really glad that she's taking it. I also sent her the rest of the herbs and the pill maker so she just has to buy the pills to fill them. Then mama sent me pics of Sniffles! I just squealed for joy because I love hers so much! Sniffles is my baby and she mew mew mews and purr purr purrs and licks my nose! giggles... I love mama so much! I love my baby so much and I love my siblings and their babies so much!
I want to give up. I can't do this for very much longer. I feel like I'm an amazing person and all that I get in return is stones, rocks and snakes with a warm fuzzy of, 'Here you go, this is for your good. Enjoy.'
I'm am the best that I have ever been and things are going to crap. My family is still in shambles, it seems were are just barely getting by. Yet, I feel like there is no point is trying to make anything happen because it will just be taken away or destroyed and we'll have to pick up the pieces and learn to enjoy the cruelty of this all powerful being that has all in His hand. What is the point if all that is meant to happen is endure His cruelty and then our reward is to live with Him again? I'm not sure that I want that. I don't want to be like Him. He's a cruel man. I've tried my hardest to never become like that and I see him as such. I'm not sure that I can cling to and praise a being that I'm learning to despise.
.... I feel awful saying that... it is how I feel and I just want it to end.... I can wait though. Mama needs me. I can wait till she is gone. She won't be alive for much longer, a couple of years. So, I can wait till then. :) I'm not sure that anything that I've accomplished is worth it. I'm still hurting, I'm still stuck, I'm still alone and hurting. But Mama still loves me and so do my babies and Sniffles. I can for just a little bit longer... or at least I can finish today. ...
I can finish today.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
By Meggie Royer
The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and
used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit
into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed
the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.
The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother. The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.
The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.
The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother. The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.
The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.
Sister Mary Clarence
You recently asked me how being gay is any different from being straight
and single in the Church. Isn't it the same outcome? Lifelong celibacy?
We don't make exceptions for straight lifelong singles, so why should
we expect it for gays?
This is an important question. When we come across a new problem that we haven't faced before, we like to look for analogous situations which are easier to understand because we've confronted them before. Then, we try to see how our well-understood problem's well-established solutions might apply to the new problem. We apply the old script to the new problem.
This is a pretty good measure because it gives us a framework for dealing with novelty that draws on experience. It can be detrimental, though, if it is applied mindlessly. For instance, we incarcerate violent criminals (murderers, rapists) because we need to protect ourselves from harm. Then we declared war on drugs and applied the same punishment (incarceration) on people with drug addictions that we did on violent criminals simply because we gave addicts the label "criminal." Criminals go to jail. Therefore we should follow this script and lock away addicts. We are now learning that there are subtle distinctions between murderers and heroin users that may necessitate a more mindful, rehabilitative approach for the latter. In fact, incarceration tends to make addiction worse.
In a similar way, it's important to notice not only the similarities between gay single Mormons and straight single Mormons, but also the differences. Below are some of the differences that we may find relevant:
When we talk about lifelong single straight Mormons (hereafter LSSM), we are by-and-large talking about single sisters and not brothers. There exist scripts in the Church for sisters who remain single. We are to love and accept them as equal daughters of God, knowing that many sisters do not marry through no fault of their own. We are to have compassion (perhaps even pity) for the girl who hasn't yet and perhaps never will find a husband. We have examples in the highest echelons of Church leadership (Sheri Dew) of single women apparently being unimpeded by their singledom. They are taught to find ways to support marriage and family despite not having those blessings at this time and always look forward to the possibility of it happening to them.
Some of these same elements may also be applied to lifelong single brothers, but the more prevalent script is this: marriage is a priesthood responsibility and there is no excuse for a man to remain single. If a priesthood holder remains single it is his own fault. There tends to be a culture of condemnation for unmarried men in the Church. There are virtually no examples of single men in any prominent leadership positions precisely because marriage is an explicit prerequisite for all high-ranking priesthood callings. Male LSSMs tend to be few and far between: disabled men and bachelor converts, each of whom is still usually pressed toward marriage. The positive scripts we have for LSSMs don't fit well on men even if they are straight.
Both gay and straight Mormon males face scrutiny and pressure due to these expectations. For this reason, the Church may have a better track record of retaining lesbians than gay men.
LSSMs can always hold onto hope for finding "the one" in the future. Gay Mormons understand from adolescence that their chances of marital bliss in the temple are slim. Hope is easily lost, even very early in life. Living life without hope leads to depression.
LSSMs and gay Mormons both feel deep feelings of loneliness. LSSMs often have an easier time connecting with people (romantically or non-romantically) to fill that hole. Gay Mormons are burdened with a secret that many people find repulsive (some LDS parents are guilty of kicking their child out of their house when they learn he is gay). Keeping it secret involves burdening themselves with shame and being fearful to open up. These are added obstacles to forming fulfilling non-romantic relationships. These obstacles tend to exacerbate their feelings of loneliness.
Most LSSMs want a traditional heterosexual marriage. Some gay Mormons might want it too, but have serious reservations and fears. Others don't want it at all. To accept Mormonism as a gay person is to accept that exaltation is a heavenly state that requires you to desire and work toward something that you may not even want. (Many LDS women can empathize with this plight vis-a-vis the doctrine that allows men to have more than one wife).
If a LSSM finds love, she can be unreservedly excited. If a gay Mormon finds love, he must either shove his feelings out or risk apostasy (a.k.a. treason against the Church, a.k.a. being expelled from one's native society). The stakes are high. Life is a constant high-wire act. No other "disability" or deviation from the mainstream has such stark ramifications. Blind and deaf people can enjoy full fellowship as saints, even if they "act on" their disabilities.
For an LSSM, talking about their single situation may be an ordinary conversation. For gay Mormons, the topic is fraught with politics and rigid Church doctrine. Many see no point in discussing it if there is no possible flexibility. It is what it is, and what it is is wickedness -- end of story. It is difficult to volunteer to be vulnerable in such tense discussions. They are rarely ordinary conversations -- they can be highly destructive.
Typically LSSMs have options. For example, a woman may have a hard time getting attention from the single LDS men in her area. She could, if she chose, seek companionship from a non-Mormon man she finds attractive and still retain good standing in the Church. Some might argue that a mixed-faith marriage, even if it is not eternal, is better and healthier than perpetual singleness. Gays in the Church have no analogous options.
It may be true that the outcome for LSSMs and gay Mormons should be the same: lifelong celibacy. Or perhaps looking at the differences would lead us to believe otherwise. Whatever is the result, we ought to be mindful of these differences and recognize when a script we apply to one does or doesn't apply to the new situation.
My personal opinion is that LSSMs and gay Mormons are in quite different situations and that it doesn't make sense to lump them together.
This is an important question. When we come across a new problem that we haven't faced before, we like to look for analogous situations which are easier to understand because we've confronted them before. Then, we try to see how our well-understood problem's well-established solutions might apply to the new problem. We apply the old script to the new problem.
This is a pretty good measure because it gives us a framework for dealing with novelty that draws on experience. It can be detrimental, though, if it is applied mindlessly. For instance, we incarcerate violent criminals (murderers, rapists) because we need to protect ourselves from harm. Then we declared war on drugs and applied the same punishment (incarceration) on people with drug addictions that we did on violent criminals simply because we gave addicts the label "criminal." Criminals go to jail. Therefore we should follow this script and lock away addicts. We are now learning that there are subtle distinctions between murderers and heroin users that may necessitate a more mindful, rehabilitative approach for the latter. In fact, incarceration tends to make addiction worse.
In a similar way, it's important to notice not only the similarities between gay single Mormons and straight single Mormons, but also the differences. Below are some of the differences that we may find relevant:
When we talk about lifelong single straight Mormons (hereafter LSSM), we are by-and-large talking about single sisters and not brothers. There exist scripts in the Church for sisters who remain single. We are to love and accept them as equal daughters of God, knowing that many sisters do not marry through no fault of their own. We are to have compassion (perhaps even pity) for the girl who hasn't yet and perhaps never will find a husband. We have examples in the highest echelons of Church leadership (Sheri Dew) of single women apparently being unimpeded by their singledom. They are taught to find ways to support marriage and family despite not having those blessings at this time and always look forward to the possibility of it happening to them.
Some of these same elements may also be applied to lifelong single brothers, but the more prevalent script is this: marriage is a priesthood responsibility and there is no excuse for a man to remain single. If a priesthood holder remains single it is his own fault. There tends to be a culture of condemnation for unmarried men in the Church. There are virtually no examples of single men in any prominent leadership positions precisely because marriage is an explicit prerequisite for all high-ranking priesthood callings. Male LSSMs tend to be few and far between: disabled men and bachelor converts, each of whom is still usually pressed toward marriage. The positive scripts we have for LSSMs don't fit well on men even if they are straight.
Both gay and straight Mormon males face scrutiny and pressure due to these expectations. For this reason, the Church may have a better track record of retaining lesbians than gay men.
LSSMs can always hold onto hope for finding "the one" in the future. Gay Mormons understand from adolescence that their chances of marital bliss in the temple are slim. Hope is easily lost, even very early in life. Living life without hope leads to depression.
LSSMs and gay Mormons both feel deep feelings of loneliness. LSSMs often have an easier time connecting with people (romantically or non-romantically) to fill that hole. Gay Mormons are burdened with a secret that many people find repulsive (some LDS parents are guilty of kicking their child out of their house when they learn he is gay). Keeping it secret involves burdening themselves with shame and being fearful to open up. These are added obstacles to forming fulfilling non-romantic relationships. These obstacles tend to exacerbate their feelings of loneliness.
Most LSSMs want a traditional heterosexual marriage. Some gay Mormons might want it too, but have serious reservations and fears. Others don't want it at all. To accept Mormonism as a gay person is to accept that exaltation is a heavenly state that requires you to desire and work toward something that you may not even want. (Many LDS women can empathize with this plight vis-a-vis the doctrine that allows men to have more than one wife).
If a LSSM finds love, she can be unreservedly excited. If a gay Mormon finds love, he must either shove his feelings out or risk apostasy (a.k.a. treason against the Church, a.k.a. being expelled from one's native society). The stakes are high. Life is a constant high-wire act. No other "disability" or deviation from the mainstream has such stark ramifications. Blind and deaf people can enjoy full fellowship as saints, even if they "act on" their disabilities.
For an LSSM, talking about their single situation may be an ordinary conversation. For gay Mormons, the topic is fraught with politics and rigid Church doctrine. Many see no point in discussing it if there is no possible flexibility. It is what it is, and what it is is wickedness -- end of story. It is difficult to volunteer to be vulnerable in such tense discussions. They are rarely ordinary conversations -- they can be highly destructive.
Typically LSSMs have options. For example, a woman may have a hard time getting attention from the single LDS men in her area. She could, if she chose, seek companionship from a non-Mormon man she finds attractive and still retain good standing in the Church. Some might argue that a mixed-faith marriage, even if it is not eternal, is better and healthier than perpetual singleness. Gays in the Church have no analogous options.
It may be true that the outcome for LSSMs and gay Mormons should be the same: lifelong celibacy. Or perhaps looking at the differences would lead us to believe otherwise. Whatever is the result, we ought to be mindful of these differences and recognize when a script we apply to one does or doesn't apply to the new situation.
My personal opinion is that LSSMs and gay Mormons are in quite different situations and that it doesn't make sense to lump them together.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Telepathy
Dear Delysia,
I am feeling my oats with this song! Christina Aguilera is so wonderful! I just love this song. It reminds me of a carefree life I used to have: I had no worry for life or money, I was free.
I hope you like this song too! I'm floating in the air with this idea of freedom!
Puppy Fight
Dear Delysia,
Yesterday Traci and I got in a fight! I started it truthfully. I saw that his girlfriend/not girlfriend was coming to Utah and thought, I would like to manipulate a plan to have her meet his mom without her knowledge. So I asked Traci if he knew that she was going to Utah for Conference? He said he didn't know that. Three hours he texted me and said that 80 might want to meet his mom. I responded by saying 'ewww'.
Well that escalated the whole situation. I told him how I noticed some of the good things about The Weed, Danielle's boyfriend. Traci hates him. So Traci was annoyed that I was saying nice things about Danielle's boyfriend but I was saying snarky things about his gf/not gf. Traci asked me why I said ewww about 80. I avoided the question. Then he told me that I was always mean to 80. That is when I got pissed. I asked him when have I ever been mean to 80? I have made her herbal tea for her illness for Christmas, I bought her food and made breakfast when I stayed with her, I was a gracious guest, I have never spoken ill to her or treated her in a bad way. So I asked him when I have been mean to 80! He responded that it didn't matter now and that he didn't want to get in a fight because he felt like I was upset. I told him that I was upset because I have never been rude or mean to her. I have only said mean things about her to Traci after he has called me to complain about how she's treating him. I have never treated her poorly! I hate her because I feel like she behaves in a way that she is never wrong, she's always a victim and she is never satisfied with any of the effort that Traci does. The only reason why 80 would hate me is because Traci told her the things that I said about her! That pissed me off anymore and so I hung up on him.
He texted me later and said that he apologized for attacking me and that he didn't mean to cause this. He said that he was annoyed that he felt like I always say snarky things about 80 and he feels like he always has to defend her. He said that he wanted to just be able to talk to me about her and not have to defend her. He said that he wanted me to be more supportive to him. He wanted to be able to say whatever he wanted and feel supported and not have to worry about what I had to say about the situation with her. This pissed me off even more because I realized that he was turning me into the monster of this whole situation. He wanted to be able to dump all the emotional baggage on me and expected me to not have an opinion about it. He just wanted me to be there to listen and support him in his pursuit with her! I realized that he was demonizing me in his imaginary relationship with 80.
I told him that I felt like I was supporting him as best I could. Yes, I made a lot of snarky remarks because I thought he was being dumb and that she was being really abusive. I told him that there have been many times where I told him that I didn't have an opinion about his mess because I couldn't be objective. I have defended her twice from him. So, I shared with him that I have given him all that I had as being supportive, because if he hoped that she and I were going to be friends, he ruined that by sharing with her what I have said about her. So I suggested that he and I part ways until he figures out what is going on with her. I told him that I don't want to hear from him until there is a ring on his finger or that he's finally broke up with her for the 5th time.
He then said that he didn't want that. He wanted to have me in his life and that he loved me and he was wrong... blah blah blah. I told him that I wasn't going to let him treat me like this anymore, where I am the monster in the middle of his rocky mess with 80.
He left for Thailand for a month. He asked me to text him through an app and I said no. I told him that I need a month to think about this whole thing.
Delysia, I feel good that I put boundaries on my friendship with Traci. I said the mean things about 80 because she is mean to my best friend cousin. I also know that I'm not going to put Traci in a situation where he has to choose between me and 80. I will always lose. I won't put up with that. I also won't put up with Traci calling me to complain about 80 when he's married. He can call and complain about her to his mom or his brother, but I am no longer going to listen to that crap. There are plenty of people that I interact that I don't like, but that doesn't mean that I treat them poorly. I never treat people that I know are loved or liked by my friends with disrespect. I am always very gracious. Just because I'm nice and gracious doesn't mean I like you. I do it because I care that they are cared for by someone that I care about.
I was so mad yesterday I was shaking! I called my sister and was yelling on the phone because I was so mad! I feel a lot better now. I've had moments where I wish I downloaded the app and spoke with Traci while he was on the plane. But it is better than he forget what is going on and just enjoy his trip with his brothers.
... It is probably good that I'm separated with Traci for a month. I have to learn to be on my own and focus on my family, while they last and while I last. That is what is asked of me as a pineapple: be denied love and companionship for a lifetime, while being a maid to others needs.
.... even now, when I say such things, I don't feel anything anymore... It's a good sign that I've come to terms with the blight that God has asked me to live. I'm a treasure, but no one knows that. I feel like I'm going to relive the life of my mother. Live a life of feeling unappreciated and feeling unloved and abandoned. .... and I still feel nothing anymore. Mom is right. Struggles make it so that eventually, nothing really makes you cry. I am happy about that, I won't be such a mess.
I do feel like I'm isolating myself again. It's so easy to just walk away and see that no one notices that you've gone. LOL.
BUT... mama sent me several pics of Sniffles! They are so cute and I just laughed and smiled and mew mew mewed and purr purr purred! I just love my baby and my mama! :) mew mew mews and purr purr purrs. giggles! HAHAHAHAHAA....
I love you Delysia. I know you'll always be there.
Yesterday Traci and I got in a fight! I started it truthfully. I saw that his girlfriend/not girlfriend was coming to Utah and thought, I would like to manipulate a plan to have her meet his mom without her knowledge. So I asked Traci if he knew that she was going to Utah for Conference? He said he didn't know that. Three hours he texted me and said that 80 might want to meet his mom. I responded by saying 'ewww'.
Well that escalated the whole situation. I told him how I noticed some of the good things about The Weed, Danielle's boyfriend. Traci hates him. So Traci was annoyed that I was saying nice things about Danielle's boyfriend but I was saying snarky things about his gf/not gf. Traci asked me why I said ewww about 80. I avoided the question. Then he told me that I was always mean to 80. That is when I got pissed. I asked him when have I ever been mean to 80? I have made her herbal tea for her illness for Christmas, I bought her food and made breakfast when I stayed with her, I was a gracious guest, I have never spoken ill to her or treated her in a bad way. So I asked him when I have been mean to 80! He responded that it didn't matter now and that he didn't want to get in a fight because he felt like I was upset. I told him that I was upset because I have never been rude or mean to her. I have only said mean things about her to Traci after he has called me to complain about how she's treating him. I have never treated her poorly! I hate her because I feel like she behaves in a way that she is never wrong, she's always a victim and she is never satisfied with any of the effort that Traci does. The only reason why 80 would hate me is because Traci told her the things that I said about her! That pissed me off anymore and so I hung up on him.
He texted me later and said that he apologized for attacking me and that he didn't mean to cause this. He said that he was annoyed that he felt like I always say snarky things about 80 and he feels like he always has to defend her. He said that he wanted to just be able to talk to me about her and not have to defend her. He said that he wanted me to be more supportive to him. He wanted to be able to say whatever he wanted and feel supported and not have to worry about what I had to say about the situation with her. This pissed me off even more because I realized that he was turning me into the monster of this whole situation. He wanted to be able to dump all the emotional baggage on me and expected me to not have an opinion about it. He just wanted me to be there to listen and support him in his pursuit with her! I realized that he was demonizing me in his imaginary relationship with 80.
I told him that I felt like I was supporting him as best I could. Yes, I made a lot of snarky remarks because I thought he was being dumb and that she was being really abusive. I told him that there have been many times where I told him that I didn't have an opinion about his mess because I couldn't be objective. I have defended her twice from him. So, I shared with him that I have given him all that I had as being supportive, because if he hoped that she and I were going to be friends, he ruined that by sharing with her what I have said about her. So I suggested that he and I part ways until he figures out what is going on with her. I told him that I don't want to hear from him until there is a ring on his finger or that he's finally broke up with her for the 5th time.
He then said that he didn't want that. He wanted to have me in his life and that he loved me and he was wrong... blah blah blah. I told him that I wasn't going to let him treat me like this anymore, where I am the monster in the middle of his rocky mess with 80.
He left for Thailand for a month. He asked me to text him through an app and I said no. I told him that I need a month to think about this whole thing.
Delysia, I feel good that I put boundaries on my friendship with Traci. I said the mean things about 80 because she is mean to my best friend cousin. I also know that I'm not going to put Traci in a situation where he has to choose between me and 80. I will always lose. I won't put up with that. I also won't put up with Traci calling me to complain about 80 when he's married. He can call and complain about her to his mom or his brother, but I am no longer going to listen to that crap. There are plenty of people that I interact that I don't like, but that doesn't mean that I treat them poorly. I never treat people that I know are loved or liked by my friends with disrespect. I am always very gracious. Just because I'm nice and gracious doesn't mean I like you. I do it because I care that they are cared for by someone that I care about.
I was so mad yesterday I was shaking! I called my sister and was yelling on the phone because I was so mad! I feel a lot better now. I've had moments where I wish I downloaded the app and spoke with Traci while he was on the plane. But it is better than he forget what is going on and just enjoy his trip with his brothers.
... It is probably good that I'm separated with Traci for a month. I have to learn to be on my own and focus on my family, while they last and while I last. That is what is asked of me as a pineapple: be denied love and companionship for a lifetime, while being a maid to others needs.
.... even now, when I say such things, I don't feel anything anymore... It's a good sign that I've come to terms with the blight that God has asked me to live. I'm a treasure, but no one knows that. I feel like I'm going to relive the life of my mother. Live a life of feeling unappreciated and feeling unloved and abandoned. .... and I still feel nothing anymore. Mom is right. Struggles make it so that eventually, nothing really makes you cry. I am happy about that, I won't be such a mess.
I do feel like I'm isolating myself again. It's so easy to just walk away and see that no one notices that you've gone. LOL.
BUT... mama sent me several pics of Sniffles! They are so cute and I just laughed and smiled and mew mew mewed and purr purr purred! I just love my baby and my mama! :) mew mew mews and purr purr purrs. giggles! HAHAHAHAHAA....
I love you Delysia. I know you'll always be there.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Pruning the Garden
Dear Delysia,
At my support group of pineapples, the session was about what the older generation would tell their 18 year old selves what they wish they knew:
I took notes and here they are. I thought that the discussion was heavy and somewhat sad. Most of the men said a lot of stuff that I didn't agree with. A lot of the guys talked about how they justified their behavior. I mean, in my mind, the church only allows for celibacy or leave. There isn't much room for anything else.
I spoke up and said that I live a celibate life and that I go to the Temple twice to just feel like there is a place for me and to feel love, peace and comfort. I said that it is a fight to get there and a fight to stay there. I said that it is the only place that I find peace and feel like there is a place for me. I endure all the rules and church so that I can go. I also told them that I have to make the decision to be an active member everyday, to stay with the path that I have chosen.
After noticing that most of the guys there, who are around my age, feeling like what I was doing was impossible or unattractive, I thought that I was in a good place. It's very lonely. Jim and I are the only nuns. The rest of them were or are in the mindset that if you're a 'good' person that it doesn't really matter. I don't blame them. It's hard to be a part of a religion that doesn't give you much option to live. It was a good affirmation that I am strong. I am really strong! But it is also really sad. So many are happy with their relationships. Jim and I are starving.
I am afraid for the future. But, there is a peace of me that feels like I can make it.... at what price I am not sure... but I can make it.
At my support group of pineapples, the session was about what the older generation would tell their 18 year old selves what they wish they knew:
Don't go into business with your brother in law.
Our personalities don't really change, but our perspectives do change. Aspects of ourselves change, but our personalities don't really. Be yourself and enjoy it.
Jim was one of the co-founders of Evergreen. Evergreen, is no longer. The premises of the group was, be and behave like a man, your gayness would go away. They developed conferences in 1989. At that time they were national news. Jim did speak to Larry King live... about repairative therapy.
Come out and be yourself. Repairative therapy is an illusion. Don't waste time on that.
Darcy wish he had learned how to have interpersonal relationships with people. He also wish he learned how to bond with men and to give and receive touch.
John went to school, graduated from college. He didn't realize that he was gay, because he never found a girl that was very interesting. He also thought that as long as he is in school, he's not in a position to be married. Then when he was about to graduate, he ran out of excuses of why he wasn't married. He wasn't gay, because gay back then was thought of as deviants and perverts. But he met with a group for support and he felt like the men there were just like him... normal dudes, like priesthood quorums.
He saw that 1 by 1, his friends who were gay confessed to the bishop and they were Ex'ed. So he was afraid about that. So John decided to leave the church. He wanted to leave the church at his own terms. No g's, no sacrament. He felt like if the leadership were ex-ing people, he felt like if God didn't want him in the church, John would gladly leave himself.
He started looking for the real true church. Then came to the conclusion that maybe, the one and true church was a part of their propaganda. So he got really involved with atheist. He didn't want to be alone for the rest of his life as a celibate, so he looked for the truth of whether the church is true. He used his knowledge to find the truth. He has come to the conclusion that the church isn't true, it once was but isn't true anymore. He believes the church is a corporation not lead by God. He isn't sure he has a place in the church.
... He said don't take a mission so seriously, learn to love people and get to know them.
Mark said, If your beliefs are still in line with the church and it's teaching, make sure your relationship with the Savior and God is really strong. He was married and had 4 kids. He would not have ever gotten married to a woman.
Tom said he was overly hard on himself. Relax and enjoy your life. He is a good person that makes mistake.
He said that masturbation should be kept in check. He never got a testimony of the temple.
Don't take everything from the leadership as complete truth. They are imperfect.
Even if you don't got to church, live the gospel you know how to the best.
There is more to life than sexuality. There are more things to life, so live your life.
I took notes and here they are. I thought that the discussion was heavy and somewhat sad. Most of the men said a lot of stuff that I didn't agree with. A lot of the guys talked about how they justified their behavior. I mean, in my mind, the church only allows for celibacy or leave. There isn't much room for anything else.
I spoke up and said that I live a celibate life and that I go to the Temple twice to just feel like there is a place for me and to feel love, peace and comfort. I said that it is a fight to get there and a fight to stay there. I said that it is the only place that I find peace and feel like there is a place for me. I endure all the rules and church so that I can go. I also told them that I have to make the decision to be an active member everyday, to stay with the path that I have chosen.
After noticing that most of the guys there, who are around my age, feeling like what I was doing was impossible or unattractive, I thought that I was in a good place. It's very lonely. Jim and I are the only nuns. The rest of them were or are in the mindset that if you're a 'good' person that it doesn't really matter. I don't blame them. It's hard to be a part of a religion that doesn't give you much option to live. It was a good affirmation that I am strong. I am really strong! But it is also really sad. So many are happy with their relationships. Jim and I are starving.
I am afraid for the future. But, there is a peace of me that feels like I can make it.... at what price I am not sure... but I can make it.
Calling the Cauldron Black
Dear Delysia,
Tonight, I had a really interesting conversation with Cory Beth. He called me and told me about his trip to Colorado to see his favorite cousin get married. He carpooled with some girls. On his way home, this Latin girl became really angry with him. He explained to me that he he sort of lead her on. On the way home, she was really mad and wanted to share with him how she felt. He sort of ignored her while he was talking to another girl in the front seat. He told me that she sort of yelled at him and told him that she thought he was a jerk. He then told me that he was sort of upset about it. He felt like he should have talked about it sooner than just ignoring her until he dropped her off at her house, never seeing her again. Then he told me that he was sort of annoyed that he lead her on. He didn't mean too, but just behaved really stupid with her with his seductive attitude. I sort of laughed and just told him that maybe he should be more careful about how he behaves with girls. He then told me that he just gets stupid with women.
The thoughts that came to my mind about him are these:
1: Cory Beth doesn't like the idea that he makes mistakes over silly stuff. He's a soldier in Gods' army. He doesn't make mistakes. He really hates being in the wrong and when he knows that he does wrong, he really doesn't like having to repair it.
2: Cory Beth comes alive when he's around women. He's not that alive or himself when he's just with guys. He really doesn't get much satisfaction or validation from hanging with guys. He only gets that from being around women.
3. Cory Beth likes to avoid confrontation and doesn't engage when he's not interested or bored. He likes to give me very little answers and doesn't really answer back when I text him.
4. Cory Beth doesn't know how to be a friend, because he's never learned how to be one, because he's so pretty. The funny thing is, he'll use middle school and grade school as an example of when he wasn't a cool kid or attractive. I think, OK, that happened like 15 years ago. I am talking about today, right now.
So I listened to Cory and his thoughts about what he wanted to do with his life. I told him all these things that I mentioned. He sort got annoyed with me because he said that I was very observant and I behaved like his mom. He said that his mom always called him on his behavior. He said that he would try to get away with stuff and his mom would just find out and tell him to stop doing that. He was happy and yet a little annoyed that I was better at catching his flaws and telling him about it. I told him that I was only suggesting that he learn how to be better. What I saw in him, was just my opinion. I told him that I wasn't asking him to change, I was only giving him information that I saw in him. It was up to him to agree or not.
He then told me that he wanted me to be more invested and more interested in his life. He said that whenever he talked to me about the girls he was dating or seeing, I would give him very one word answers and not really ask about them. Then he snickered and said that he was feeling really awkward. I asked why. He responded by saying that he was feeling like a hypocrite. He said that he felt like it was really horrible that he was asking me to be more interested in life when he wasn't all that interested in mine. He said that I was a really good friend and that he was a crap friend. I told him that he was a horrible friend because he doesn't know how to be a good friend. He's too pretty. He hasn't really had to work too much for friendship or was unwilling to work on it. Now he just has people want to fawn over him. He said that I was a really good friend. I told him that I knew that. Then I told him that there was nothing wrong with him asking me what he wanted from me in a relationship. The worst is that I would say no. But I told him that I would try to be more interested in his life when he tells me about the girls that he is interested in. He said thanks and that he was really happy that I was willing to try.
I was sort of blown away from this request. I thought that I was interested in his life. Then I realized that the thing that he was really into, I wasn't all that interested in hearing about: girls that he was trying to date and get into. It is true. I'm not all that interested in hearing about his conquests. I don't really care who he dates. To me, all that matters is that he dates and finds a wife so that I can move on and get #3.
Then after an hour or so, he said that he was tired and was going to bed. He said that he was sorry that we only talked about him and hung up.
I have really enjoyed that I have come to terms with the type of friendship that I have with him. I approach it very casually. I am just enjoying whatever he wants to give me. I don't ask for anything from him, other than to give me blessings. Even then, I cringe over that idea. I don't want his help in anyway. Though, I know that I need him in the aspects of getting healthy interact with normal dudes and to learn what it's like to be friends with dudes and to bond with them. I don't really know how to do that. But I also feel like I can find that from other places and people. Though, I imagine that it's better if it comes from him, though, I don't think that he's all that willing to make too much effort. Though he sure does enjoy the benefits of our friendship. I don't have any hurt feelings over it. Soon it will end and he'll hurt that he had wasted a year. I am just enjoying what is coming. It just makes me laugh sometimes. He is so willing to give up and sacrifices with people he met minutes before and ignore those that have vested interest in. I forget that I'm not really anything to him. I'm just a means to an end. Though, he is trying. So, I am happy with the effort.
You know Delysia, it's really hard to be kind and nice to people you know don't care about you. I mean, people ask me all the time, why I keep helping him and supporting him despite the fact that he's not that great to me. It's because I have been told to until he moves away in April. Then it's done. I will rest from all my cares with him. I will hold to my word.
Cory did compliment me that he was happy that he was learning about relationships from me. I chuckle and think, I told you all of this a year ago. Giggles... it's sort of nice and not so much fun when you have magic. It's good for me nonetheless.
Love you Delysia. You're wonderful! We are a treasure!
Tonight, I had a really interesting conversation with Cory Beth. He called me and told me about his trip to Colorado to see his favorite cousin get married. He carpooled with some girls. On his way home, this Latin girl became really angry with him. He explained to me that he he sort of lead her on. On the way home, she was really mad and wanted to share with him how she felt. He sort of ignored her while he was talking to another girl in the front seat. He told me that she sort of yelled at him and told him that she thought he was a jerk. He then told me that he was sort of upset about it. He felt like he should have talked about it sooner than just ignoring her until he dropped her off at her house, never seeing her again. Then he told me that he was sort of annoyed that he lead her on. He didn't mean too, but just behaved really stupid with her with his seductive attitude. I sort of laughed and just told him that maybe he should be more careful about how he behaves with girls. He then told me that he just gets stupid with women.
The thoughts that came to my mind about him are these:
1: Cory Beth doesn't like the idea that he makes mistakes over silly stuff. He's a soldier in Gods' army. He doesn't make mistakes. He really hates being in the wrong and when he knows that he does wrong, he really doesn't like having to repair it.
2: Cory Beth comes alive when he's around women. He's not that alive or himself when he's just with guys. He really doesn't get much satisfaction or validation from hanging with guys. He only gets that from being around women.
3. Cory Beth likes to avoid confrontation and doesn't engage when he's not interested or bored. He likes to give me very little answers and doesn't really answer back when I text him.
4. Cory Beth doesn't know how to be a friend, because he's never learned how to be one, because he's so pretty. The funny thing is, he'll use middle school and grade school as an example of when he wasn't a cool kid or attractive. I think, OK, that happened like 15 years ago. I am talking about today, right now.
So I listened to Cory and his thoughts about what he wanted to do with his life. I told him all these things that I mentioned. He sort got annoyed with me because he said that I was very observant and I behaved like his mom. He said that his mom always called him on his behavior. He said that he would try to get away with stuff and his mom would just find out and tell him to stop doing that. He was happy and yet a little annoyed that I was better at catching his flaws and telling him about it. I told him that I was only suggesting that he learn how to be better. What I saw in him, was just my opinion. I told him that I wasn't asking him to change, I was only giving him information that I saw in him. It was up to him to agree or not.
He then told me that he wanted me to be more invested and more interested in his life. He said that whenever he talked to me about the girls he was dating or seeing, I would give him very one word answers and not really ask about them. Then he snickered and said that he was feeling really awkward. I asked why. He responded by saying that he was feeling like a hypocrite. He said that he felt like it was really horrible that he was asking me to be more interested in life when he wasn't all that interested in mine. He said that I was a really good friend and that he was a crap friend. I told him that he was a horrible friend because he doesn't know how to be a good friend. He's too pretty. He hasn't really had to work too much for friendship or was unwilling to work on it. Now he just has people want to fawn over him. He said that I was a really good friend. I told him that I knew that. Then I told him that there was nothing wrong with him asking me what he wanted from me in a relationship. The worst is that I would say no. But I told him that I would try to be more interested in his life when he tells me about the girls that he is interested in. He said thanks and that he was really happy that I was willing to try.
I was sort of blown away from this request. I thought that I was interested in his life. Then I realized that the thing that he was really into, I wasn't all that interested in hearing about: girls that he was trying to date and get into. It is true. I'm not all that interested in hearing about his conquests. I don't really care who he dates. To me, all that matters is that he dates and finds a wife so that I can move on and get #3.
Then after an hour or so, he said that he was tired and was going to bed. He said that he was sorry that we only talked about him and hung up.
I have really enjoyed that I have come to terms with the type of friendship that I have with him. I approach it very casually. I am just enjoying whatever he wants to give me. I don't ask for anything from him, other than to give me blessings. Even then, I cringe over that idea. I don't want his help in anyway. Though, I know that I need him in the aspects of getting healthy interact with normal dudes and to learn what it's like to be friends with dudes and to bond with them. I don't really know how to do that. But I also feel like I can find that from other places and people. Though, I imagine that it's better if it comes from him, though, I don't think that he's all that willing to make too much effort. Though he sure does enjoy the benefits of our friendship. I don't have any hurt feelings over it. Soon it will end and he'll hurt that he had wasted a year. I am just enjoying what is coming. It just makes me laugh sometimes. He is so willing to give up and sacrifices with people he met minutes before and ignore those that have vested interest in. I forget that I'm not really anything to him. I'm just a means to an end. Though, he is trying. So, I am happy with the effort.
You know Delysia, it's really hard to be kind and nice to people you know don't care about you. I mean, people ask me all the time, why I keep helping him and supporting him despite the fact that he's not that great to me. It's because I have been told to until he moves away in April. Then it's done. I will rest from all my cares with him. I will hold to my word.
Cory did compliment me that he was happy that he was learning about relationships from me. I chuckle and think, I told you all of this a year ago. Giggles... it's sort of nice and not so much fun when you have magic. It's good for me nonetheless.
Love you Delysia. You're wonderful! We are a treasure!
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
The Greatest
Dear Delysia,
I saw this music video and it inspires me! I like the art that was put into this whole video. It has a subtle title with the hast tag: we are your children. I really enjoy the constructs of this video. I love the drawing of the tears of different colors and yet there is no color to be found in the whole video beyond the paint of color on the young girls cheeks.
Initially, I saw myself in this video as the little girl with the colored cheeks. I felt as if she is asked to be something that isn't inherently something that she wants to do. It's as if she's told to live in a construct that doesn't allow for anything that is apart of her. She is asked to live in a construct that kills the inner part of her being. What I like about it too, is that she's lived this lie for so long that she know longer cries color, she has to paint them on. It's as if she is starving to death from lack of being authentically herself. Yet, she has found others around her that are also having a hard time keeping up with the demands of the construct of their lives, that she is helping them stand up, with the phrase: I've got stamina.
It also reminds me of the idea of our society that if you don't fit in society a certain way, you must fight or die. There is no other alternative to build a place for yourself. I think that the society that I live is very ridged in what they expect. Creativity, Education, Self-expression aren't really rewarded. Our school system was built on a model from the industrial age. Our society rewards memorization and repeating of facts, but we don't reward creativity, self-expression or self-discovery very much.
As a pineapple, I feel like this is the life that I am living. A colorless world. To my eyes, it is colorless. To others that can live in this construct see the beauty of it. They are allowed to see because they have all the tools needed to make the construct work, they are inherently able to do so. I cannot.
Yet, I do love the underlying theme of this song: Don't give up.
Delysia, I'm trying so hard not to give up. I am trying to live life to the fullest. I am trying to find my happiness moment by moment. I am trying to live a slower pace life among the mundane of what I do for now. It's difficult. It's really difficult in feeling that I'm working so much more than most to stay afloat in the rat race of life. However, I relish the days when I find videos and music like this to pick me up. I feel the spirit.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Feeling my Oats
Today isn't over, but I feel better today. Jim wrote me an email about how he felt about me giving up Happy Panda Days. He said that I should maybe reconsider bringing it back into my life. I don't know what I think about that idea. Though, I think that if I were to pick it up, I should really think about getting back into it. I'm getting older, and with that, making the illusion of being a lady gets harder. I am happy that I did do drag though. It was a place that I could go to feel free.
The drama of work is almost ridiculous. Tiffany, a manager is out of control. She is a victim about the fact that she doesn't do her job. She does everyone else's job but her own. Then when she is called out on her job not being done, she throws someone else under the bus to cover her butt. Karma is a bitch and will soon snatch her fat butt. She is getting fatter and I'm loving it. She has really bad knees so, gaining weight will only make it harder and harder to come to work. Though, now that the rest of the manager team is against her, she is trying to be friends with me and I won't have it. I am not friends with snakes in the grass.
So I found this song this morning and it is making feel my oats! The video is inciting and the lyrics/tone of the song just makes me feel my oats! It really makes me daydream of the days of when I was infatuated with a guy in Las Vegas. It was nice to have him look at me the way that this singer looks at the girl. It is really nice to have someone talk and look at you with love, desire, attachment and affection. I remember him trying so hard to get my attention. I remember him being so kind and attentive to me. It was really so nice. It is nice to have someone love you and show it in so many different ways. But I think the most important is when you know that they love you when they look at you, your eyes meet theirs and it seems like your souls touch.
I haven't decided to walk away from my nun life. I have to keep making that decision each day, though I do enjoy remembering what it was like to be in love and to feel for a fleeting moment what it felt like when he loved me in return. Maybe one day, I won't feel the ache of wishing. Right now, I don't yearn, I am just reliving a memory of when I was really happy.
Delysia, it is really interesting to me. There is a part of me that wishes that I could love another with all my heart and that he would love me with all their capacity too. Yet, there is a part of me that wouldn't allow it, or would push him away so much that he'd give up and walk away. As much as I dream of wanting to be in a relationship, I don't know that I could. I don't know if I would fully allow a man to love me. I think that love from men is very temporary and hurtful. I haven't gotten over the idea that the love of men isn't lasting, even when they're married. It's sort of funny that when I get a crush on a guy, that I'm mean to him. I'm mean to him to the point where he stays away from me. It's safer for me, because he'll never want to be around me and I won't have to pine after him. Even if I did decide to leave my beliefs, I don't know that I could let go of my other issues enough to love a man and have them love me in return. I suppose being a nun is the best path for me in the long run. LOL!
Though, right now, I don't need to think about that. I am just going to day dream to the love songs of these men singing as if they were singing to me. :) ... hahahahahaha... I know, I'm a stupid hoe. HAHAHAHAHHAAHA
Monday, September 5, 2016
Mount Timpanogos
Cory Beth asked my yesterday to come with him and his friends to go on a hike on Mount Timpanogos. That hike is a killer and really hard. But what else would I have done? So I decided to go. It was really fun. It was really hard and high, but fun. There was a fair amount of girls and boys that went on the hike. I went and was a straggler. But I wasn't the only one. There was a this Asian girl that was slow too. It was nice to talk to her.
Mia was so great! We talked about cooking, China, the church, her feelings of being alone in going to school for an MBA program. I really enjoyed the hike and talking to her. We ate lunch when we got home and talked about why should join the church. She wouldn't join because of the stance on Gays/Lesbians and how women are treated.
Other than that, it was just nice to talk to her. I felt that she was lonely and wanted a good friend that isn't superficial like many of her colleagues in school. I am super sore and really tired from the hike, but enjoyed myself nonetheless.
9/4/2015
Dear Delysia,
Sunday was a good and a bad day.
GOOD:
It was fast Sunday. So I fasted for mama. My sister texted me and told me during the family reunion at the State Fair, that mom was really disrespected by her husband and her youngest son. My sister told me that mama looked really bad. She looked sick and was trying really hard to teach the family some emergency preparedness stuff. But her husband and her youngest child were not very helpful. With my sister telling me that mama isn't doing very good, I decided to fast for her. I hate it when mama puts up with such disrespectful treatment by the people that are supposed to help, defend, love and support. But instead, they are thorns in her side. I felt the spirit really strongly when I prayed on her behalf. I prayed that mama would be strong and be able to receive the strength she needed to overcome the ugly that she would have to face.
At church, I wore all black because I was mourning. I hate the idea that mom has to endure such cruelty from the people that are supposed to be on her side. Mama tries really hard to be a support and a beacon of hope for us, her family. Though, she doesn't really fight back. My sister said that mama doesn't have much fight in her, so that is probably why she doesn't say much to defend herself.
The meeting was really good. Boo Boo Kitty had a really good testimony of having faith to give up dreams and aspirations in order to do the will of God. She testified that it is always worth sacrificing for the Best things in life. I just started to cry. I have made those types of sacrifices for the best, at a heavy price. I am to be a nun for the rest of my life, what more of a price can one pay, beyond their lives?
I also got to go to my support group for pineapples. I hadn't been in a really long time. It was really nice to see my good friends who are old enough to be my dad or grandpa. They have lived a very different life than I have. I live in a more friendly pineapple world, then didn't. Of the 20 men that come on a regular basis, myself and Jim are the only ones who have decided to live a celibate life. It is really hard for him. I look up to Jim. He is 67 and has remained a nun all that time. He didn't come to terms with himself until he was 45. So, he's faced a lifetime of loneliness. He is content with his life, though he's not happy. He told me that often times, he's not happy. He's just content to be. He told me that he has to make the decision to remain in the church each day.
BAD:
I feel alone. I feel desperately alone all the time. I feel that my work with the Orchids is fleeting. Trevor is dating a monster of a woman and he changes when he's with her. He wants her, so he will have her. He will never do anything that is good enough for her. She is a broken vessel of barren waste. She has melt downs over her chipped tooth that you can't see, or the days when she skips her medicine and lashes out. She is a monster and he loves her. He says things like, Josh I will always be there for you. I don't think that is true. My best friend status with him will be replaced by her. She will be his best friend. I am coming to terms with that everyday. I hate her for it. I shouldn't but I do. I would be more content with it if she wasn't such a beast of a person. But alas, I shall disappear from him. I won't endure him.
At the support group, most of the men lived during an age where they were told to ignore their pineapple ways and to just marry a woman. So almost all of them did, and now all of them are divorced and are living with a partner. Many have left the church, but still like the community and most of the teachings. Though, it isn't an institution that they could align with completely. Some say the happiest moments in their lives was not when they married to their wife or when their children were born. It is now, living with their partner. Others lamented that they married a woman, fully knowing that they could only give her about up to 20% of their affection emotionally/physically. They mentioned that every time they made love to her, their feelings for the same gender only deepened. So many lamented that they starved their wives from love and brought to them a sense of desperation, when the wives never knew that their fate would be that.
With all; this information, I thought to myself: How are Jim and I supposed to survive? Aren't Jim and I literally starving ourselves from love and affection? Are we not getting scraps of 5%, 10%, 15%, 20% of others who love us at a moment and then BOOM, it's gone. How are we supposed to survive? These men had just that much and didn't make it. They at least had a companion that had vested interest in them and it wasn't enough. What makes me think that Jim and I can do it alone?! I was overcome with feelings of desolation. I just cried all the way home. I came to the conclusion that I was going to starve to death and there was nothing that could be done about it. That is the price I have paid to stay with the gospel of Jesus Christ: no family, no love, no companion, just scraps here and there when others feel so inclined to give them.
I told that to Cory Beth and he said that he didn't know what that felt like. He did say that when he gave me a blessing that he felt like good things are coming. He felt that very good things are coming to help me along the path. He also said that he wished that he could take away that feeling, that he could be a better friend, that he could help me in some way to not feel so alone. I responded by mentioning that I look forward to dying because I know that when I die, I won't feel this anguish all the time. That is my hope, that when this life ends, that I will feel peace. But as for anything else in my life... there isn't much to cling to. I told Cory that me interacting with him and Trevor helps keep the thirst at bay, but it always comes back. Cory asked if I didn't like him and Trevor. I said that it's not that I don't like them, it's that Cory and Trevor aren't mine. They will move on and lives of their own. I will be left behind to wait for another to give them help. Nothing is permanent in my life right now. Cory said that he was sorry and that he should probably try to hang out with me more. He said that he loved and cared for me. He said that I have him as a friend to look after me. Then he thanked me for sharing with him how I felt.
Delysia,
Now I just got a text from my step father that mama is in the hospital with stomach pain. She is really sick and he'll keep us informed. I am dying inside because mama is like the only reason why I do the things that I do. Her example is the reason why I hold on. If mama can do it, so can I. I also had a vision once in the temple of when Mama passed away in a hospital bed and I wasn't there. I am freaking out. I am needing to pray and find out what is going on. If mama passes on, a piece of me will die. I don't know what I will do without mama there. My siblings will struggle, my whole family will struggle.
.... I am so sorry that all that I tell you is sadness. Thank you though for listening to me. I love you so much.
Sunday was a good and a bad day.
GOOD:
It was fast Sunday. So I fasted for mama. My sister texted me and told me during the family reunion at the State Fair, that mom was really disrespected by her husband and her youngest son. My sister told me that mama looked really bad. She looked sick and was trying really hard to teach the family some emergency preparedness stuff. But her husband and her youngest child were not very helpful. With my sister telling me that mama isn't doing very good, I decided to fast for her. I hate it when mama puts up with such disrespectful treatment by the people that are supposed to help, defend, love and support. But instead, they are thorns in her side. I felt the spirit really strongly when I prayed on her behalf. I prayed that mama would be strong and be able to receive the strength she needed to overcome the ugly that she would have to face.
At church, I wore all black because I was mourning. I hate the idea that mom has to endure such cruelty from the people that are supposed to be on her side. Mama tries really hard to be a support and a beacon of hope for us, her family. Though, she doesn't really fight back. My sister said that mama doesn't have much fight in her, so that is probably why she doesn't say much to defend herself.
The meeting was really good. Boo Boo Kitty had a really good testimony of having faith to give up dreams and aspirations in order to do the will of God. She testified that it is always worth sacrificing for the Best things in life. I just started to cry. I have made those types of sacrifices for the best, at a heavy price. I am to be a nun for the rest of my life, what more of a price can one pay, beyond their lives?
I also got to go to my support group for pineapples. I hadn't been in a really long time. It was really nice to see my good friends who are old enough to be my dad or grandpa. They have lived a very different life than I have. I live in a more friendly pineapple world, then didn't. Of the 20 men that come on a regular basis, myself and Jim are the only ones who have decided to live a celibate life. It is really hard for him. I look up to Jim. He is 67 and has remained a nun all that time. He didn't come to terms with himself until he was 45. So, he's faced a lifetime of loneliness. He is content with his life, though he's not happy. He told me that often times, he's not happy. He's just content to be. He told me that he has to make the decision to remain in the church each day.
BAD:
I feel alone. I feel desperately alone all the time. I feel that my work with the Orchids is fleeting. Trevor is dating a monster of a woman and he changes when he's with her. He wants her, so he will have her. He will never do anything that is good enough for her. She is a broken vessel of barren waste. She has melt downs over her chipped tooth that you can't see, or the days when she skips her medicine and lashes out. She is a monster and he loves her. He says things like, Josh I will always be there for you. I don't think that is true. My best friend status with him will be replaced by her. She will be his best friend. I am coming to terms with that everyday. I hate her for it. I shouldn't but I do. I would be more content with it if she wasn't such a beast of a person. But alas, I shall disappear from him. I won't endure him.
At the support group, most of the men lived during an age where they were told to ignore their pineapple ways and to just marry a woman. So almost all of them did, and now all of them are divorced and are living with a partner. Many have left the church, but still like the community and most of the teachings. Though, it isn't an institution that they could align with completely. Some say the happiest moments in their lives was not when they married to their wife or when their children were born. It is now, living with their partner. Others lamented that they married a woman, fully knowing that they could only give her about up to 20% of their affection emotionally/physically. They mentioned that every time they made love to her, their feelings for the same gender only deepened. So many lamented that they starved their wives from love and brought to them a sense of desperation, when the wives never knew that their fate would be that.
With all; this information, I thought to myself: How are Jim and I supposed to survive? Aren't Jim and I literally starving ourselves from love and affection? Are we not getting scraps of 5%, 10%, 15%, 20% of others who love us at a moment and then BOOM, it's gone. How are we supposed to survive? These men had just that much and didn't make it. They at least had a companion that had vested interest in them and it wasn't enough. What makes me think that Jim and I can do it alone?! I was overcome with feelings of desolation. I just cried all the way home. I came to the conclusion that I was going to starve to death and there was nothing that could be done about it. That is the price I have paid to stay with the gospel of Jesus Christ: no family, no love, no companion, just scraps here and there when others feel so inclined to give them.
I told that to Cory Beth and he said that he didn't know what that felt like. He did say that when he gave me a blessing that he felt like good things are coming. He felt that very good things are coming to help me along the path. He also said that he wished that he could take away that feeling, that he could be a better friend, that he could help me in some way to not feel so alone. I responded by mentioning that I look forward to dying because I know that when I die, I won't feel this anguish all the time. That is my hope, that when this life ends, that I will feel peace. But as for anything else in my life... there isn't much to cling to. I told Cory that me interacting with him and Trevor helps keep the thirst at bay, but it always comes back. Cory asked if I didn't like him and Trevor. I said that it's not that I don't like them, it's that Cory and Trevor aren't mine. They will move on and lives of their own. I will be left behind to wait for another to give them help. Nothing is permanent in my life right now. Cory said that he was sorry and that he should probably try to hang out with me more. He said that he loved and cared for me. He said that I have him as a friend to look after me. Then he thanked me for sharing with him how I felt.
Delysia,
Now I just got a text from my step father that mama is in the hospital with stomach pain. She is really sick and he'll keep us informed. I am dying inside because mama is like the only reason why I do the things that I do. Her example is the reason why I hold on. If mama can do it, so can I. I also had a vision once in the temple of when Mama passed away in a hospital bed and I wasn't there. I am freaking out. I am needing to pray and find out what is going on. If mama passes on, a piece of me will die. I don't know what I will do without mama there. My siblings will struggle, my whole family will struggle.
.... I am so sorry that all that I tell you is sadness. Thank you though for listening to me. I love you so much.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Here you will dwell, bound to your grief...
Dear Delysia,
Today has been really hard. I have been really struggling with staying happy and hopeful for my life. There is a woman at my work place that is being a victim. She is claiming that she is being bullied and she is not. She is causing so much drama and I HATE HER! She hides behind her religion and her high christian values, and yet she refuses to see that she is the problem! I hate her! I HATE HER! She is causing so much drama and causing the rest of our team to suffer! I want justice and revenge on her so bad!
Then I spoke with a dear friend, James. I've known James for 10 yrs. We talked about how we have dealt with being pineapples. Man, that sucks. It is nice to have friends that understand how you feel: trapped, damned, stuck in limbo. I told him of how I felt. I told him how the scene of LOTR where Eldrond tells Arwen her fate. I told him that and how I met a older gentleman who is living the nun life. What is there to look forward too? There are no goals that are defined like the others. We are left to drift in the wind, with no direction other than: Thou Shalt Not's.
Delysia, feeling like there is no future that I want or could enjoy like everyone, really kills the motivation to live. Today I haven't really felt like I've wanted to live. No, I'm not thinking about suicide. I am thinking about what to do next. Life is so mundane. What is there to live for? For a gay person, who is trying to live to the dictates of their religious beliefs doesn't have much to work with. All there is the desert sands of desolation and loneliness, unless they decide to live a life of 'sin' and be happy. A part of me things what was written on a gas chamber of a Nazi camp, "If there is a God, He'll have to beg for my forgiveness."
That is an ugly thought to think and I don't think it very often. It just popped into my head and I've pushed it out of my mind. I am just standing in the middle of the desert ready to die. There is no point to my life if there is no permanency. So, since being a negative Nancy doesn't really work, I'm just enjoying the hot sun.
You may think that I feel bitter and nasty. I don't really feel that way. I am just rehearsing the feelings that I have in my heart and mind. I don't feel bitter in my heart, I just feel at loss with being in limbo. I have received all the answers and tools that I need to accomplish of surviving the desert. I just don't have any motivation to survive. I only have the motivation to lie on the sand and bathe in the rays until it's night time or I die of dehydration.
... I am drowning in my music. I have prayed. I have read the scriptures. I am still moving forward for now.
.... Traci called this morning and has been struggling with feeling lost. I'm not lost, I'm stuck. He got what he wanted. His motorbike was sold for the price that he asked. I also spoke with him on Tuesday night and told him to go to the temple the next day. The next day was yesterday. He told me this morning that he's feeling really great because he got his money and is feeling really good about life, that he knows he's on the right path and he's doing well. He is in a position to make his business work, his gf/not gf is coming back to him and he's going on a trip that he's always wanted to go on in Thailand and S.E. Asia with his brothers for a month. All of it is happening while he's unemployed. His life is pretty great right now. ..... it kills me sometimes that his happiness and ease in life makes me sick... So to remedy it, is I don't talk to him as much. I don't want to feel jealous. He's worked hard to be in the position that he's in. His motivation is so he can provide for his family and wife... and all that jazz. I can't fault him or want for the things he has. I have no need for things like that. Who do I need to take care of? No one, but myself. So I don't need half the things he has.
Off to lay in the Sun.... the searing heat doesn't bother me much anymore.....
..... Thank you for listening to me Delysia. Sometimes, I wish that I could be with you.... gone from this place. I'm sad that you're not here with me, but you can still hear me. Thank you for listening to me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)