I had a long talk with my friend, Stephen. He and I served together on the EQ presidency. He is not the typical member. He is rather quite content of where he is right now. He's not quite a heretic, though he's not interested in going to the Temple or living some statues of the rules of which are asked of us. Though, I do not hold that against him. He's far more interested in the lives of others around him, that I believe his vices are far out shadowed by his virtues. I miss him. I felt like he really loved me and cared for me, of his own free will. He is now gone, doing his master's program in Chicago, Northwestern.
I told him that I can't go on much longer in the life that I've chosen. I told him that on Saturday I fought myself of whether or not I wanted to go to the Temple. I went after much inner turmoil. I just sat in the walkway and cried. I prayed and yelled, screamed and cried in the prayer. I said that I felt like He was hurting me on purpose! I felt like He was punishing me and took pleasure in watching me hurt, giving me these vague, unrealistic promises of wisping glory at the end of the tunnel. I told Him that I couldn't do it anymore. I was hurting and I was hurting because He placed me in a position where there was no relief, only pain that never ends! After 45 minutes of that, I couldn't stand it anymore and left. I couldn't stand that all I had to share was anger, loneliness, hurt and betrayal. I couldn't stand feeling that feeling that I feel in the Temple: a still, soft sensation in my heart. That feeling wouldn't go away for all my yelling in my prayer. It seemed as if it was a mocking of my feelings. I felt like it was Him saying to me: I know, you're hurt and it's painful, but I am here and it sucks. No relief, no change, just I'm here, too bad.
To add hurt to injury, having Cory Beth call me and drone about girls and how he was going to Cedar City to go on a first date. He spent all day there. He left at noon and didn't get home till midnight. I listened to him for 2 hours talk about how excited he was to go and then drone on about how he should have left earlier than romp in the woods, ride long boards, cuddle, eat food and then come home. I listen to him because that is what he's asked of me, to be more interested in his love conquests and the girls that he's trying to date. I am always amazed at the lengths of effort that he goes through to go on a date and feel validation from a woman. For the people that have vested interest in him, he's not that willing at all. It's disappointing and yet he doesn't know better. I once wished that he would care for me as he does strangers, but I offer him nothing he wants. I have given that hope away and satisfied with the scraps he's willing to give me. Coming to terms with things like that, really makes living in the slums of depravity so much more bearable.
I told Stephen that out of a scale of 1-10 of performing Seppuku, I'm at a 5. Stephen was really concerned. He asked me if I had told anyone else. I told him that I hadn't. Then Stephen asked me why I told him. I told him that I felt like he cared for me without any intent to have anything from me in return. I also told him that I felt like he's a really good listener. Stephen is really good at listening. I felt better sharing with Stephen how I felt. He can't do anything, because he's in Chicago, but it was nice to believe that he cares for me.
I told another friend of mine that I am at that scale, Taylor. He is in the same predicament as me. The main difference is that he's married to a man of his dreams. Taylor knows how I feel, so it was nice to just share how I feel. He cried to me. He was really emotional because he's been in the same situation as I am in. He's been where I have been, feeling isolated and alone. He said that he just let go of all the things that he believed in and just asked God to tell him what to do. He said that God told him to date and be happy. So that is what Taylor did. He told me that now that he's married to Kenneth, he has really yearned for his faith community. Though, he is expecting to be excommunicated because he married Kenneth. In our faith, that is considered apostate behavior. Though Taylor affirms that he has done what he's been told to do by the divine. He said that how he communicated with God is how he got his answers. So he lamented that if he is in the wrong, so is the church for teaching him the false way to speak with God. Taylor then started to cry and was so grateful that he found Kenneth and that he was so sorry that I was feeling alone and feeling abandoned. He held my hand and just squeezed it for a moment. It felt nice to relate and to be related to by one who has walked on the same thorny road as I have.
So yesterday, I asked Cory Beth to give me a blessing. I was told that I needed to ask him from my last Temple trip. So he gave me one last night. I prayed before he came and before he gave me the blessing. I felt the spirit. Cory had mentioned that I said really good prayers and that he felt the spirit. I recorded the blessing, so that I could remember what was told to me. The main things that I remember is that Cory referred to Heavenly Father in a respectful, distance titled way: Our God. He said 'Our God' a lot. In my mind, that is a distant way to refer to Him. The other thing that sticks out in my mind is, the blessing referred to God as having a regard to my life as very precious to Him. I don't know what that means. I imagine that God thinks that my life is important? I don't know, I haven't really thought about it. It also said that God has helped me and comforted me along the way and that I should always remember how often that has come. I was told that my health was enhanced and will continue to do so as I continue to be a good person.Then the last thing that really stuck out was that God has a lot of glory and greatness is in store for me, but what is required is that I praise Him, cling to Him and to not forget Him. I don't know what that greatness is? More suffering, being alone and tortured until I die.
After the blessing, Cory Beth said that he definitely felt the Spirit. I was happy for that. He doesn't really feel the spirit that often.
I feel better writing this all down. I feel better talking to people about how I feel, especially people that I feel care for me, like Taylor and Stephen. I would like to tell mama, but I'm afraid that she would be hurt to know how I feel, so I hide it from her. I don't want mama to worry about me given that she is really sick and afflicted with her health and the men that she's shackled too. I don't want to be a source of her pain. I just want mama to be happy! I sent her some herbal remedies to help her with the swelling on her digestive tract. She said that she's noticed some good differences. I am really glad that she's taking it. I also sent her the rest of the herbs and the pill maker so she just has to buy the pills to fill them. Then mama sent me pics of Sniffles! I just squealed for joy because I love hers so much! Sniffles is my baby and she mew mew mews and purr purr purrs and licks my nose! giggles... I love mama so much! I love my baby so much and I love my siblings and their babies so much!
I want to give up. I can't do this for very much longer. I feel like I'm an amazing person and all that I get in return is stones, rocks and snakes with a warm fuzzy of, 'Here you go, this is for your good. Enjoy.'
I'm am the best that I have ever been and things are going to crap. My family is still in shambles, it seems were are just barely getting by. Yet, I feel like there is no point is trying to make anything happen because it will just be taken away or destroyed and we'll have to pick up the pieces and learn to enjoy the cruelty of this all powerful being that has all in His hand. What is the point if all that is meant to happen is endure His cruelty and then our reward is to live with Him again? I'm not sure that I want that. I don't want to be like Him. He's a cruel man. I've tried my hardest to never become like that and I see him as such. I'm not sure that I can cling to and praise a being that I'm learning to despise.
.... I feel awful saying that... it is how I feel and I just want it to end.... I can wait though. Mama needs me. I can wait till she is gone. She won't be alive for much longer, a couple of years. So, I can wait till then. :) I'm not sure that anything that I've accomplished is worth it. I'm still hurting, I'm still stuck, I'm still alone and hurting. But Mama still loves me and so do my babies and Sniffles. I can for just a little bit longer... or at least I can finish today. ...
I can finish today.
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