Sister Mary Clarence

You recently asked me how being gay is any different from being straight and single in the Church. Isn't it the same outcome? Lifelong celibacy? We don't make exceptions for straight lifelong singles, so why should we expect it for gays?

This is an important question. When we come across a new problem that we haven't faced before, we like to look for analogous situations which are easier to understand because we've confronted them before. Then, we try to see how our well-understood problem's well-established solutions might apply to the new problem. We apply the old script to the new problem.

This is a pretty good measure because it gives us a framework for dealing with novelty that draws on experience. It can be detrimental, though, if it is applied mindlessly. For instance, we incarcerate violent criminals (murderers, rapists) because we need to protect ourselves from harm. Then we declared war on drugs and applied the same punishment (incarceration) on people with drug addictions that we did on violent criminals simply because we gave addicts the label "criminal." Criminals go to jail. Therefore we should follow this script and lock away addicts. We are now learning that there are subtle distinctions between murderers and heroin users that may necessitate a more mindful, rehabilitative approach for the latter. In fact, incarceration tends to make addiction worse.

In a similar way, it's important to notice not only the similarities between gay single Mormons and straight single Mormons, but also the differences. Below are some of the differences that we may find relevant:

When we talk about lifelong single straight Mormons (hereafter LSSM), we are by-and-large talking about single sisters and not brothers. There exist scripts in the Church for sisters who remain single. We are to love and accept them as equal daughters of God, knowing that many sisters do not marry through no fault of their own. We are to have compassion (perhaps even pity) for the girl who hasn't yet and perhaps never will find a husband. We have examples in the highest echelons of Church leadership (Sheri Dew) of single women apparently being unimpeded by their singledom. They are taught to find ways to support marriage and family despite not having those blessings at this time and always look forward to the possibility of it happening to them.

Some of these same elements may also be applied to lifelong single brothers, but the more prevalent script is this: marriage is a priesthood responsibility and there is no excuse for a man to remain single. If a priesthood holder remains single it is his own fault. There tends to be a culture of condemnation for unmarried men in the Church. There are virtually no examples of single men in any prominent leadership positions precisely because marriage is an explicit prerequisite for all high-ranking priesthood callings. Male LSSMs tend to be few and far between: disabled men and bachelor converts, each of whom is still usually pressed toward marriage. The positive scripts we have for LSSMs don't fit well on men even if they are straight.
Both gay and straight Mormon males face scrutiny and pressure due to these expectations. For this reason, the Church may have a better track record of retaining lesbians than gay men.

LSSMs can always hold onto hope for finding "the one" in the future. Gay Mormons understand from adolescence that their chances of marital bliss in the temple are slim. Hope is easily lost, even very early in life. Living life without hope leads to depression.

LSSMs and gay Mormons both feel deep feelings of loneliness. LSSMs often have an easier time connecting with people (romantically or non-romantically) to fill that hole. Gay Mormons are burdened with a secret that many people find repulsive (some LDS parents are guilty of kicking their child out of their house when they learn he is gay). Keeping it secret involves burdening themselves with shame and being fearful to open up. These are added obstacles to forming fulfilling non-romantic relationships. These obstacles tend to exacerbate their feelings of loneliness.

Most LSSMs want a traditional heterosexual marriage. Some gay Mormons might want it too, but have serious reservations and fears. Others don't want it at all. To accept Mormonism as a gay person is to accept that exaltation is a heavenly state that requires you to desire and work toward something that you may not even want. (Many LDS women can empathize with this plight vis-a-vis the doctrine that allows men to have more than one wife).

If a LSSM finds love, she can be unreservedly excited. If a gay Mormon finds love, he must either shove his feelings out or risk apostasy (a.k.a. treason against the Church, a.k.a. being expelled from one's native society). The stakes are high. Life is a constant high-wire act. No other "disability" or deviation from the mainstream has such stark ramifications. Blind and deaf people can enjoy full fellowship as saints, even if they "act on" their disabilities.

For an LSSM, talking about their single situation may be an ordinary conversation. For gay Mormons, the topic is fraught with politics and rigid Church doctrine. Many see no point in discussing it if there is no possible flexibility. It is what it is, and what it is is wickedness -- end of story. It is difficult to volunteer to be vulnerable in such tense discussions. They are rarely ordinary conversations -- they can be highly destructive.

Typically LSSMs have options. For example, a woman may have a hard time getting attention from the single LDS men in her area. She could, if she chose, seek companionship from a non-Mormon man she finds attractive and still retain good standing in the Church. Some might argue that a mixed-faith marriage, even if it is not eternal, is better and healthier than perpetual singleness. Gays in the Church have no analogous options.

It may be true that the outcome for LSSMs and gay Mormons should be the same: lifelong celibacy. Or perhaps looking at the differences would lead us to believe otherwise. Whatever is the result, we ought to be mindful of these differences and recognize when a script we apply to one does or doesn't apply to the new situation.

My personal opinion is that LSSMs and gay Mormons are in quite different situations and that it doesn't make sense to lump them together.