The Puppy: Part 3

So many things have happened since the last time that I wrote of my journey:

A lot of things have happened and the best parts have been that blessings and good news that were foretold, have happened. I am very happy to see when all the blessings and good will was pronounced will come true. There have only been small variations that have been different, but the core of that good news is the same.

The main blessings that have been pronounced to him are these:

1- He would again date an Ex of his that he still loves
2- He would date a lady who would be just as wonderful as his Ex
3- Her name started with an A, and was going to be known as Ally
4- Which ever girl he chose, for he would date both for a time, he would marry.

There were also some other small ones that were given and have all, pretty much come true. These four mentioned are the major ones. Two of the four major ones have come to pass. Though the name wasn't Ally, it was Adi. He was given her name a month and a half before he met her.

It is very interesting really, he ran into her at church and had not really known her. At the time, she was dating someone else. Then, Puppy was told he should date Adi. The puppy had responded as, she is dating someone, he can't ruin that. Then he was told that she wouldn't be dating him for long and that he should take advantage of the opportunities with her when they come. Well, they are dating now and his world revolves around her... or is beginning to with her.

I had the opportunity to meet Adi. It was really interesting to meet her. She is so very head strong and very funny. A lot of her health issues, is the same as the Ex of the Puppy. Puppy and I always referred to these two ladies as Miss A and Miss J. Miss A told me a lot of how she felt and was going through while enjoying the company of puppy. Puppy and Miss A have a lot of things in common. She is afraid of puppy, because he's like a dream come true. In a lot of ways, he is to her.

I like that Puppy is finally happy. His happiness revolves around being able to be in a relationship with a girl and his history has always been horrible when it came to women. He dated these monsters and he was interested more in their physical appearances and filling his needs than the quality of the girls he was meeting. Now that most of his attitudes have changed, he is finally ready to date a woman of quality. It makes me really happy to see him get portions of all that he ever wanted. He can actually believe that all good things can come to him now.

I look forward to see when the rest of this listed will be made known and come to pass.

Humble Pie

Pride has always been a warm blanket for me in the world wide storm of selfishness. I have ran into some really great people and am so grateful to be able to rub shoulders with them.

As I have looked over their accomplishments and have gotten to know them, I am completely bewildered as to why they are associated with me. I feel very intimidated by their success and accomplishments.

I feel like I'm just a poor, trashy individual with no ambitions or opportunities to make anything happen. As I look over my life for the past 5 years, I think... wow... I have accomplished nothing worth while. I've just lived day by day with no work towards any dreams or goals to live by.

The problem I see myself in is, I've never known how to live to those goals, because I've felt like there was no point other than to live one day at a time. My friends tell me that I have value, but I'm afraid I don't really see the value they claim that I have.

I'm not driven by the normal accomplishments of the hustle and bustle of life here... in fact, nothing really motivates me... I'm just a blob on a log with not real value but to just exist.

... it's ironic that I feel this way...

..... I'm not really sure how to get out of this...
                                         
                                                                             .... I feel like nothing, because I don't have a lot of things to show for it. .....

Fate

Some say our destiny is tied to the land; as much apart of us, as we are of it. Others say that fate is woven together like a cloth, so that ones destiny's intertwines with many others. It is the one thing we search for or fight to change. Some never find it. But there are some, who are lead. 

 Water stands, like Fire, for deep, but also for variable, or - expressed in a positive way - "open" emotions, for the acceptance of diversity and the will for the new. Water also represents the contemplative moment, the searching in your inner self, for the discovering of the deepest and darkest things of yourself but also for unleashed chaos, for uncertainty without a goal. Water, in opposition to the stability of Earth, stands for inspiration, for creation, for giving birth to ideas, longings and hopes, for moving and for changing. Because if Water stands still, it will rot, just like things made of derivatives of the Element of Earth. But the flowing and the constant re-arrangement as well as the inherent desire to increase, to overflow, to pave the way of the unknown, are also the Water's strength. Water is the first idea to get started, reaching for a goal, where Fire is the actual real first step towards achieving these ideas.

Water in history has represented the gift of Prophecy, Time, Growth, Increase, Push and Pull. 

Water and Fire can be one steamy combination under the right circumstances. Water can add emotional nuance to Fire's instinctual responses, and help Fire learn things like tact, compassion and how to nurture. Fire can blaze a trail for Water out of the swampy abyss of inaction. Their vitality and enthusiasm lifts Water up, so they can find their way. Like with any element, there's a danger here of mutual harm if things are not in balance. Fire can dry up Water, and make them feel brittle and undernourished. Water can smother Fire, put out the flames of inspiration, which usually sends them right out the door.

Rising Sign is in 28 Degrees Gemini
Extremely active by nature, you like to get around, meet people and do different things. Very restless, you just can't seem to stay put. You need to be involved in several projects at once in order to keep your mind stimulated. You like to read books and to write letters and to talk -- constantly. Seemingly ageless, you will always appear to be much younger than you really are. Very adaptable and inquisitive, you are always open to new ideas and experiences. A "jack-of-all-trades", you are lively and versatile. Because of the high nervous tension that you always seem to have, athletic activity would be a good way for you to burn off energy. But be careful of a tendency to experience things only superficially -- try to dig in and absorb things at a deeper level.

Sun is in 07 Degrees Cancer.
Very emotional and sensitive, you have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around you. You tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give you great pleasure you would enjoy being part of a large family.

Moon is in 12 Degrees Cancer.
For the most part, you are very strong and secure emotionally. You intuitively know what to do to make others feel comfortable, loved, accepted and needed. You naturally enjoy feeding and taking care of others. Be careful that your mothering does not turn into smothering. At times, you tend to feel that those to whom you are attached can never do anything without your assistance and support. Extremely sensitive by nature, it hurts you deeply whenever anyone criticizes you. You have an almost desperate need to be loved and wanted and needed by everyone with whom you come into contact, and you go out of your way to be accommodating to them.

Mercury is in 15 Degrees Cancer.
Your emotions tend to rule your thought processes. You have difficulty seeing life objectively. You have an excellent memory, especially about things to which you have formed an emotional bond. You prefer ideas and thoughts that are known and familiar, and therefore tend to dislike fads or radical ideas. The beliefs and traditions of your family and culture are very important to you. Your thinking becomes quite unclear when you are emotionally shaken -- try not to make major decisions when you are upset. Let things calm down first.

Venus is in 11 Degrees Cancer.
You like to be very close to other people. You need emotional support yourself and are willing to give it to others. When you feel unloved and insecure, you can be very jealous and possessive. You are not interested in casual or superficial relationships -- only deep emotional involvements interest you. Your faithful devotion is one of your greatest gifts, but be careful not to become too dependent on others. Learn to stand on your own two feet and demand your own rights once in a while.

Mars is in 12 Degrees Scorpio.
Your likes and dislikes are strong and intense, never casual or superficial. You are known for your persistence and willful obsession. Once you have decided on a course of action, you are unstoppable. Your emotional actions tend to be extreme, although you try to keep them muted. You are not quick to anger, you do slow burns. And you tend to release your anger as sarcasm or irony. Beware of your tendency to hold grudges and to be vengeful. When you do fight, or release your internal tensions, you do so body and soul -- you become totally passionate and your outbursts are awesome to behold.

Jupiter is in 08 Degrees Capricorn.
You tend to feel that the only results that are worthwhile are the results that are concrete and demonstrable. You distrust abstract solutions and appreciate measurable achievements. An excellent organizer and planner, you are optimistic as well as practical and realistic about what can and what cannot happen. Very responsible, you consider it a personal weakness to be wrong about anything. This makes you appropriately cautious. You are very efficient but you tend to be cool and detached.

Saturn is in 09 Degrees Scorpio.
You tend to release emotional energies only very reluctantly. This is partly due to your fear of what horrible calamity might occur should they be released -- your emotions are terribly complicated and intense. Try not to repress these energies entirely, however, or you will succumb to negative and destructive forms of compulsive behavior. Give yourself the freedom to look awkward or silly once in a while. The relief you feel will be quite therapeutic and the embarrassment (whether it is real or imagined) will pass quickly.

Uranus is in 10 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and most of your peers, have the tendency to think that all ideas, customs and traditions from the past are outmoded and irrelevant. You are attracted to radically new ideas, philosophies and religions that will, hopefully, cause sweeping changes throughout the world.

Neptune is in 29 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

Pluto is in 29 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.

N. Node is in 06 Degrees Gemini.
You will consciously seek out many different contacts with others throughout your life. Many of these will be of very short duration, not necessarily because you're fickle, but just because you always seem to be more excited by the prospect of meeting someone new rather than prolonging your present relationships. At any rate, you will learn something new from almost everyone you come across -- intellectual stimulation is what you crave from others. You will be well known to neighbors and relatives, partly due to your curiosity about what they're doing -- you delight in keeping up-to-date about the latest news (and gossip). 

  

There are some who say that destiny cannot be changed, that fate is not our own. I know better.

Self-Help: How to Escape Time.

Memories. It is the tool that I use to go back, go back to where I used to be, to feel what I used to feel, to re-live that moment and remember.

My mother told me once, 'You never lose the feelings for your first love.' I never really knew what that meant. I always thought of it as a moment in time where you would look back and think upon that individual with fondness. I didn't have any experiences to go off of in regards to intimacy with another person that wasn't related to me. I never really thought that I would know what that phrase would mean.

I look back and now see that that statement isn't always true...

I have been wanting to escape time. I have been asked to do and be the best person that I could be. I never realized how difficult that can and will be. I made promises that I knew would be hard and that I would make mistakes on. For the most part however, I knew that I would need to make promises to make that commitment stick. There was a night that I yearned to feel affection and love. The kind where you look across that floor and see that that special someone was looking right at you and smiled. The moment that when you looked into their eyes, their soul jumped with excitement and apprehension that they just wanted to be near you. I had that once. I loved that person once, with all my heart. Tristy made me feel alive. Tristy made me feel worthwhile. Tristy made me feel that everything was going to be OK. Tristy had me believe that I was a beautiful person. I loved Tristy with all my heart because I knew that is what Tristy wanted. Tristy tried really hard to love me back in return.

He couldn't reconcile his feelings with me though. I was never IN love with him, I just loved him. I believe that is why our friendship didn't last. He didn't know the difference and choose to leave. When he left, I was hurt. I cried and cried. There was a piece of me that I felt wouldn't let go of the fact that he probably wouldn't come back. I felt like this time, he was gone forever. I had hope that my feelings of affection and admiration for who he was, would be enough for him to want to return. He never did...

Since he was my first love to truly learn how to love correctly, my mothers words struck me hard. I didn't want to remember that I loved him. I didn't want to remember all the kindness and sorrow that we shared. I didn't want to remember his smile, his laugh, his voice, the way he would look at me with such affection, concern and love. There was a time once that he lost sleep over me one night because he was so worried that I would be lost to him. He told me that night, that he tossed and turned over the idea that I was out and about without him to protect me from myself. When he told me that, I knew that he cared for me as I cared for him.

There was a part of me that wanted to hold on to the hope that he would return. There was a part of me that wanted to believe that he would sort out his feelings and just come back and be my friend. I always went to a song that brought me surges of happy memories as the stars of heaven danced across the twilight night. Katy Perry, Teenage Dream. Anytime that I wanted to run to his embrace, I would listen to that song. I would be reminded of his kindness, his love, his friendship.

Tonight that changed. I ran to him for comfort and found that he was gone. The place where I had stored him was no longer there. I looked everywhere for him, to no avail. I played the song over and over again to enrapture me with those moments that I spent with him, and nothing came. No tears, no joy... just empty words on an empty page. I felt like I was listening to a song that I could hear the words, there was so much static... interference. The harder I strained to hear the lyrics, the more I realized there was nothing left to see, only emptiness, only shadow... it was black, with no space.

As the song went on with repeat, I realized something, I had sat for an hour yearning to feel that warm embrace and found nothing. Music swept me away to a place that I had never seen before. The chords of pure happiness with Tristy was gone.

How do you escape time? Music.

12

I have come to the conclusion that nothing is as it seems, nothing.

12 Great Gifts of the Spirit:

1: Knowledge of Christ and His Atonement
2: Believers
3: Wisdom
4: Knowledge
5: Faith
6: Healers
7: Miracle Workers
8: Prophecy
9: Discernment
10: Tongues
11: Interpretation
12: Ministry of Angels and Spirits


12 Body Parts in Correlation:

1: Eyes
2: Lips
3: Nose
4: Ears
5: Breast
6: Back
7: Organs/Vitals
8: Arms/Hands
9: Neck
10: Feet
11: Legs
12: Head/Mind

The Puppy Pt. 2

I had the puppy visit me today. He was really busy, but he came over and I was happy that he came by.

He told me once that he'd destroy the tower that I had built. At that moment, I didn't really believe him, but today, it has come true.

My journey with him has been a hard one. As discussed in the part 1 version, he scared me. I was scared because he embodied everything that I didn't like in puppies. He was adorable, capable, had the ability to seduce with the look of innocence. He was handsome, charming, knew just what to say, do and be for the a particular moment in time.

I am happy to say that I'm over that now. I like to think of myself as more of a diamond more than animal. If I were to think of myself as an animal, it would be some mythological creature: a unicorn.

I digress. The puppy came over, with an attitude to be kind and helpful. I asked  him to come over because I was afraid. I was feeling the loss of strength to go on. I realized that fear is a huge detriment to my progress in life. I am a defensive person. He was kind enough to be distracted by my dodge, distraction and evasiveness. He wasn't easily distracted, as he usually is. I appreciated that for a moment. I believed that he actually cared for me. He set his own tendencies down to listen to what I had to say. He was quite inquisitive about how I was feeling and thinking.

He told me that I like to resist far too much than I should. I don't want to do the things that I need to do to be a better person. I would rather be a martyr than have to work out my own salvation; if you will. He told me that I don't look at the good around me, but it's easy for me to see the good around other people. He said that I don't want to work for the goodness as others have to work for, because my foresight doesn't really work in my life. I can see the good in others lives, but it's not so clear for mine. He encouraged me to at least look forward and become what I need to be.

I had promised that I would give all that I had to help the puppy in his quest to be a better person. We have a lot in common. The most significant thing we have in common, is we know what is to be lonely. The problem that I freely gave him all the diamonds that I didn't mind giving out. There was one last diamond that I didn't want to give him, Trust. I didn't want to give that one to him. I made up a whole bunch of things and ideas to help justify the idea that he didn't really need all the diamonds that I gave him. It was his willingness to be kind to me, when I could see that he was genuinely concerned for my well being that I gave him my last diamond. When I did, I felt free. I wasn't afraid of him anymore.

He gave me a blessing and then off he went. Before he left, I realized that I had made a best friend! He knows all of who I am and still cares for me. He told me he'd always revered the time we shared. He said that I've helped him in such a way, that he'll always have me as a pinnacle moment in his life. I feel the same way too. He was the first person that I feared and gave him my all. He gave me a hug, told me he loved me and went home.

I love him too.

I feel wonderful... I am happy, and will remember this moment for all time. I have this icy hot feeling in my heart and back... it is wonderful. I feel love and peace.

This song is the best song that I can find that best depicts my feelings towards what happened. He spoke to me like this song... stern, but with love. I believe it. :)

The Water Well

To most people
I am a well
They throw in their buckets to draw water,
only to find the well too deep,
the water too heavy to drag to the surface.

To you
I am a fountain.
Th waters in me rise to meet you, overflowing;
It's a magic that astonishes even me.

- Jade Ellen Weinheimer

(dis)enchantment

stories are hallucinations
drugs to numb the pain
fantasy and reality dance together
in heartbreaking patterns

fairy tails are
a safe way to say hard things
playground for pain and same and beauty
reorganized truth

I am a dreamer
addicted to stories
but I'm still not sure if 'true love'
is more than just an illusion


-Jade Ellen Weinheimer

The Dead don't Die, they Look on and Help

When looking into the future, or as I like to refer to it as ‘seeing’, the future is very muddled. There are only a few things that are ever so clear. Major pillars of engagement are the only things that are consistent. Anything else in ones’ future, is very fluid. Choices change the course of the life of a person. It is the small and simple things of daily routine that shape that future more fully. Cross roads always come to every individual. Major cross roads will always change the course of the journey. I know that this is a very hard concept to understand. I think of this gift is easily compared to the character Agatha from the movie, The Minority Report. Things just come to me when I meet people. I never really tell people about what I see because most people don’t believe it. Very few people that I’ve met, have ever really believed it and if they did, it didn’t really make a difference all that much in their life. They listened for a moment and then forget. The ‘future’ that I see with people is always based on who they are at that moment. That future is shaped by the tendencies of their behavior. When I do encounter people who do believe in my gift, I generally am not wrong on what would happen, unless they choose to behave a different way. I always suggest that they consider the idea of doing things in a particular way to gain the most benefit of their actions. The price is usually high. But often, I never get that way with people. They don’t ever really believe. They think of it as really good advice, or rational, not as something of a miracle. I like to give it a name: Discernment.

My gift is 3 fold:

1: I can see people as they really are

2: I can almost always see how people feel/think at that moment

3: I can see a glimpse of what could happen in their future based on their current situation.

The first tier, can happen with any contact. I can see that with a picture. I don’t have to meet them to see them as they are. I only need to see a current picture. When I meet them, I just ask them certain questions and depending on their answers, I have a better understanding of why they are that way. I don’t always see why they behave/think the way they do.

Tier two: I can only do this when I am speaking to someone. It isn’t always a clear answer. Sometimes this comes and sometimes it doesn’t.

Tier three: This happens often. This just comes to me… it’s hard to explain… I just see things… they just come. But as I said, they aren’t set in stone. The future is fluid, choices change the flow of where you could end up. Pillar moments of importance don’t ever change. How they get there does, but the pillar moment doesn’t.

Dreaming

I am not sure that I ever explained that I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like to feel unprotected from the view of others. At heart, I'm a defensive person. All that I do is to defend, deflect, dodge and swerve. At times, I will allow people to see me as I am.

I met a puppy who came scampering on by my path of life. This puppy was extremely charming, mild mannered, adorable and dangerous. He came to me injured and in need of help and healing. I offered my help and assistance.

I was afraid. I was afraid that I saw in him the same as I had once before with Fishy. I am still afraid... I see him saving me from myself.

I don't want him to do that for me... he doesn't see, he doesn't see...

The irony of all of this is, my life's' sketch is truly that of the book, The Last Unicorn. My life is currently that of the scene listed above. Mommy Fortuna is my evil self, the Unicorn is my true self and Smendrick, the Magician is that of the Puppy.

I will help him too... this scene is an example of how I would.

He doesn't fully understand this now, because I've told him he will save me, but he's not ready to truly know how it will be. This video is a good depiction of the end of my largest lesson, and assistance of my life... if I let him.

Unicorns are virtually immortal, unattached--things that humans are not.  Her quest turned her into a human in more ways than physically--which needed to happen. She wanted to run away with Prince Lir because she loved him, and Lir loved the Lady Amalthea as well, but knew it was his because he had become a hero for her, and that because he was a hero that he couldn't leave the unicorns to be prisoners of the Red Bull.  After she is turned back and chased onto the beach, he pleads with Schmendrick to do something, and is reminded that saving unicorns is a duty for heroes.  And so Lir ran out for the one he loved, sacrificing his own life to try and protect her.  It is her loss of Lir, her love for the fallen prince that drives the unicorn to fight back against the Red Bull.  It is that drive that sends the bull into the ocean and frees the other unicorns.  Afterwards, Lir wants to just run off, to follow after the unicorn to be with her in some aspect for the rest of his days because he can't bear to be without her, and it is Schmendrick that reminds him that he has duties to his people and his land, that he is now king and must repair what damage his father had wrought.

Her mission was more important than her love desire. She was willing to sacrifice beautiful creatures who were important to the world all because she changed when becoming human. She is a unicorn. Something far more special than a mere human. A human becoming a Unicorn is one thing but a Unicorn desiring to be human is wrong. She may have learned the value of humanity but she is far more beautiful purposed as a unicorn. She can't be human because she is a unicorn. Ruining that would be horrible. And she didn't care

Judgement

Dear Self,

Today was a good and bad day. This morning, I woke up willing and ready to pay tithing because I wanted to. I didn't have any apprehension, I was excited. I was excited because it was the first time that I didn't have any doubt as to what I was doing or why I was doing it. I fully expect to receive blessings; what they may be, I don't care. I am just happy I did it.

The bad about today, was being questioned on my integrity. I was called in today and questioned as to why I dress they way that I do. There is no rule as to what to wear when we worship. I wore my best. I was late, but I made it. The leadership asked to see me and we chatted for a good hour about his frustration as to why I came in half-way through the first meeting, walked all the way to the front and wearing the clothes that I was wearing. He accused me of wanting attention and that I was a prideful individual that was playing with my membership and devotion to God.

He asked me why I was wearing the clothes I was.
- I was wearing my best.

He asked me if I had clothes that everyone else was wearing.
- Yes, I do

He asked me, why I didn't wear the clothes that all the other boys were wearing.
- I didn't want to. I was wearing my best.

He asked me why I wear the clothes that I do, truly. What was the reason.
- I wear the clothes that I do because it keeps people away. They are afraid of me, and are afraid of what they think I am and who they think I am. So, my clothes keeps most people away.

... He didn't believe that. He explained that he felt that I was wearing these types of clothes because I wanted attention. I disrupted the meeting. I should have sat in the back or not have entered the meeting at all. He was very mad at me. He had mentioned that I was playing him as a fool for his request of me to 'wear a white shirt and tie'. I explained that I have always wore a white shirt and tie as he requested. He responded by saying that 'I knew what he meant'. He then on and explained that I was no better than I was last year when we had discussed this issued. The last time we spoke, he had explained that people had complained that my dress was inappropriate, distracting and over-the-top. I had told him that my intention to come to church was to worship, what I wore was my best and if people were distracted or uncomfortable, that was not my fault. His rebuttal was that I needed to conform and give people an opportunity to be kind and good. I told him that people who aren't distracted by things that don't matter, are people that I'm happy to be kind to. My dress keeps those who are distracted by things that don't matter away. He then told me that I was in need of serious humility and that he was frustrated that I turned down a calling, that I was wearing distracting attire. He also brought up that my comments in class have been crude and attention getting. People had complained that some of the things that I said were inappropriate and rattled some people. That incident happened a month or two ago, he said.

I then told him that I was moving and would be out of his jurisdiction. I said that I would wear what everyone else does. He said he wasn't sure if he had made himself clear. I told him he had been more than clear as to what he wanted. He was uncomfortable and mad. I made him uncomfortable. He then said, that I should do it for the right intentions. I had explained that I was trying to have my intentions in all that I do be pure. I told him that I paid my tithing with 100% pure intentions. I was helping a person who embodied everything that I hate, because I was asked to help.

I told him that I had a slap in the face with a blessing that I had received...it basically told me to get it together or get left behind. I was trying really hard to make changes. I am consigned to pay the price that needs to happen. At this point I was crying a bit.

He responded by saying that he was sorry that he wasn't there to assist in that. He apologized for speaking to me in a harsh tone and that he would be available to talk if I cared to. I thanked him for the invitation and left.

********************************************************************************

I was pissed! I AM STILL MAD! HOW DARE HE! He is supposed to embody empathy, kindness and grace. I only came to him because the laws of the church require me to go to him. He is the leadership. Why I never reached out to him for assistance? I met his son. Children are a reflection of their parents. His son was a MONSTER! His son certainly didn't learn his pious, judgmental indignation from him mother. I've met her. His son learned that attitude from his DAD!

I feel like he's singling me out... and holding a grudge against me. I'm a reminder of things that make him feel uncomfortable... sick to his stomach. He doesn't like talking, looking at me... or that is what I feel from him. He is a monster. In this moment, he was. 

This man, I am so happy to be relieved from his jurisdiction. I am happy that I behaved and responded in a non-emotional manner towards his horrendous advances against my integrity. He and many others are the reason I would much prefer keep them away. They care only about everyone being conformed... everyone has to be the same or you're deemed as defective, diseased and a vector for eradication.

Apart of me wants to never go back. I only have two more times to attend his congregation. I am aware that I have pride, who doesn't? I am aware that my clothing can be distracting, but I don't wear my clothes to gain attention. It is to keep people away. The community that I live in are more concerned about the dogma than individuals.

...
...
...
...

This moment was a test. I'm not sure exactly how to respond really. I don't want to wear clothes like everyone else... but my intention also is to help me feel better than everyone. Humility is correct.

...
...
...

I shall go again, and be just like everyone else...

The Puppy pt 1

I wanted to share with you couple of things that have come to my mind and I need to write them down:

I wanted to share with you, my journey with the Puppy, the new Fishy.

We truly met about May 13, 2015 on a day that I was going to meet a friend that is bad for me. It was really sort of a weird thing. I had heard that a dear friend of mine had broken up with him and prior to speaking with him, I had met her new boyfriend. I was really sad that she had broken up with him prior to meeting her new boyfriend. When I first met the Puppy, he wasn’t all that excited to meet more nor was he all that enthused to speak to me. But what I saw in him was goodness. I saw the goodness and wonder that he was. I also saw that he wasn’t all into the relationship with my dear friend, the Blossom.

As time went on, Blossom told me that she and the Puppy had broken up. It is funny, because I always referred to him as our boyfriend, only because I live vicariously through my friends IF they let me. She explained to me that they fell out of love. I jokingly cried to her and said, “ But he would be so good for us.”

A couple of weeks went by, and by that point, I saw the Blossom visit me with her new boyfriend. Her new boyfriend was almost just as wonderful as the puppy, but very charismatic and pretended very well. I shall refer to him as the Weed. The weed was charming and quick. He was also very dangerous. To be honest, both the Puppy and he Weed were dangerous people. Dangerous in the sense that they were good at sizing up situations and owning the situations at hand. The casualties’ didn’t always matter, as long as they benefited from the engagement.

I had told the Blossom of my personal thorn in my side, and she had told the Weed about it. My initial contact with the Weed was him asking me about my personal thorn. He was proposing that I meet other people that he knew of in my town of residence to associate with, with my similar inclination. I was very put off by that. At the moment, I didn’t know that the Blossom had told him about my thorn, so I assumed that he was extremely presumptuous about who he thought I was. He took us both to Leatherby’s. He continued to asked me very personal and incriminating questions about who he thought I was and who he thought that I should be. We had some Ice Cream, we spoke about my recent diagnosis with Melanoma and then off we went back.

What bothered me was, I knew she was hiding something from me. I also knew that the Weed was used to being in control of a situation. He was perplexed by how he couldn’t get defensive responses from me. I was a calm breeze of fresh air. He was finally comfortable with me once I told him what I saw in him. He didn’t feel a need to attack and change the focus on me, but it was rather about being kind and ourselves. I enjoyed his company. It wasn’t until he was comfortable, that I felt like the words he spoke were genuine.

I learned on the next visit that the Weed and the Blossom were doing things that they shouldn’t have. She had given up her covenants to feel happy and accomplished. The Blossom had been married before. The marriage was happy at first, but then, because of the choices her husband made, he fell out of love with her. The Blossom tried her hardest to make it work. It was desperate attempt to make a plant grow that has no more will to live. She had a really hard time recovering from it. It took her about a year to feel somewhat functional again. She found the strength to date and be vulnerable. She was unhappy with the situations that she was in with the dating pool in Vegas so, she moved back to California. That is where she met the Puppy.

I was sad to hear that the Blossom had got rid of the Puppy. He had a lot of goodness inside. Untapped, but nonetheless, goodness. I reached out to him on Facebook and wrote, “Dear Puppy, You’re great… the end.”

He responded by liking the comment. The second time that I met up with the Weed and Blossom, I had realized that the Weed was hurt and wounded, but didn’t want to do anything about it. They way he self-medicated, in my opinion, was by taking the goodness from others… sort of like a weed takes all the nutrients away from other plants.  I had wrote on Facebook this: In my limited experience, there is nothing more dangerous than a boy/girl with charm. Several hours later, the Puppy had liked my post, which he had never had any inclination to do so. I was nobody to him. Then he reached out about the whole situation with the Blossom and him.

I was torn really. I was torn with the idea that I liked the Puppy. Sure, he was charismatic, funny, charming and very forward in his speech, but I couldn’t get over that he broke my friends heart. He did. A good chunk of the reason why she was with the Weed was because of his neglect for her. She practically threw herself at him and all he could do was just absorb it and ignore her effort because he was too into another girl that didn’t want him! He was also everything that I hated in a guy, above all he was careless and selfish and got what he wanted all the time. The puppy too, was an extremely dangerous individual.

*Now, this part will not really make sense to the normal reader:

As we began to talk via Facebook Messenger, the thought had occurred to me that I needed to help the Puppy with his request to change. The original request was he wanted the Blossom back, but she didn’t want anything to do with him. I had told him that all the help that I could provide him wouldn’t really matter, it was still her choice to make if she wanted him back or not.  He had told me that he wanted my guidance and help. What he really wanted was my gift of foresight to leverage himself against the Weed. He believed that I have that because of the things I told him about himself, that I could have never have known. I told him a lot of things about who he really was. During those moments, I see people for who they really are at that moment. I am able to look past their façades and truly see their true selves. What I saw with the Puppy was a man that could do wonderful things, he would be able to influence a lot of people in a way that most couldn’t in the trying times ahead. He was inclined to love freely as a puppy would. He would save a lot souls because of that love, Charity that could radiate towards others. What I also saw were his many flaws. The flaws scared me.

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

I cannot put into words how much of a wonderful person I see you to be. As I look back and review all the wonder that I have shared with you, I can't truly thank you for the goodness and light you have given me. 

The miracle that I see that you've given me was you loved me for me. I grew to love you talking to you over the phone, those late nights. I loved how you listened to my concerns that seemed so silly and petty, yet you always took the time to listen. I loved that our friendship blossomed over the phone and text messages. Who knew that you could develop a relationship so strong over just sharing our opinions without physical interactions. In fact, I don't think we've spent more than 12 hours in each others physical presence, yet I feel that I know you so well.

I love your kindness. I love your tender feelings. I love everything about you.

I know you'll find a man that is worthy of all the beauty and grace that is deserved of you. I know you'll always be loved and regarded as a wonder by those who see who you really are. I know you will find the love you've always wanted. I know that you shall always find the strength to accomplish all that must be accomplished that you may help all those before you.

May you always have the strength to endure the ugly that will come you, for your betterment and refinement. May you always remember your worth and value. May you always be comforted when you feel alone and lost. May you always see the truth of all things and people. May you never be deceived by those who would do you harm. May you always remember that when you called upon God for help, that he always came to you. But above all else, may you never forget that I could not have made it without your kindness.

May the moment come that when you read this, your heart will feel the depth of my regard and love for you. I will always be there to care and love you for I know who you really are.

Love Always, your dear Friend,

Joshua

Intimacy

I like to think that I'm a nice person. Who doesn't think that way, right? I've never been too keen on being in a relationship beyond friendship with anyone. I've convinced myself that being alone would be very viable. It has only been in the recent months that I've had the deep yearning to get into a relationship, but I'm not sure how and I'm afraid.

For so long, I've held to myself. I've held to my talents and abilities.. I've been happy... or just surviving. The interesting thing is, when I see people that I'm attracted to, I run from them. Running usually keeps them at bay. You know, I don't really think I could ever be in a relationship with anyone unless they really chased me down. I would avoid them at all costs, but if they pinned me down, I'd eventually give in.

When I try to reach out, give them a chance, I am used and then discarded. All that I really want is to be loved, cherished, sought after and thought of with endearment. I thought I had a shape of that once, but it died.

I am afraid. I am full of yearning. I am resolute to believe that there isn't anyone who could fill the void that is inside. I wouldn't trust them, let them in, let them love me. At the same time, I would yearn for it, crave it, beg for it. 

I want to believe that someone could love me... love me for who I am... for the goodness... for all that I am. I want to believe that I am a rare gem of legendary value.

.... it's hard to hold to think that when all that have come, have only abused the radiance that I believe I have.


I want to be held. I want to look into your eyes and believe that you mean what you say. I want to feel safe in your presence and embrace. I want you to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. I want you to protect and support me as I do the same.


...as time goes on, I believe you to be a dream....

.. what pains me the most, is to see others drift in and out of them like carrion vultures looking for another meal...

... a dream... just a dream...

I shall watch and see...

                  ... I shall guide and support, but there is none for me...

Pearl

I went on a date this Friday.

I hated each moment of it. I loved every moment of it.

They were kind and gentle
                                                                         They were cocky and belligerent

They were confident and accomplished
                                                                         They were over compensating and misleading






At the end, I was confused.

They left with a smile, I had not seen in a long time.
A time I had seen that smile they gave me, was during a time of sorrow.



I won't see them again, but I feel they stole a piece of me that I will never get back. I threw a pearl at a swine.


...sigh...

                                           How long will it take to replace the pearl that I lost?

Solitude

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what you think...
    it's the look in your eyes that tells me a different tale,
      than the silky words that breeze past your lips

I'm afraid...
    do you really find me attractive?
      the caress of your touch sends shocks to my resolve

I'm afraid...
   is your smile really for me? Or is it for what I've given to you?
     the clutch of your grasp pulls me in closer, your strength burns firm

I'm afraid...
   will you keep me close?
      I feel you slipping away, as night gives in to the warmth of morning


... Gasping for air....
      ... though the brightly beams of morning gaze brushes my face...

I'm afraid,


                                                               I'll never feel this way again