Inner Self Reflection

Dear Delysia,

For the past couple of days, I have been really trying my hardest to be a good person. I haven't been the best person that I could be. I have been whiny, I have been trying to get out of the responsibility of my actions, I have been unwilling to overcome challenges, I have been very justice oriented and not mercy oriented. I am really sad about telling Cory Beth that I feel like I need to take a break. He is a good man. Though, the reasoning is so that I can not feel like a crazy person with him and get back to where I used to be, full of faith and kindness.

It is funny, I learn from Psalms 34:19:

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all."

Is it any wonder that as a child of God, that the good ones must face challenges to be like our Father in Heaven? I have learned that challenges are a part of what life is all about. I have been praying that these challenges be removed. I have overcome some really cool things that have been really hard, yet I do not really feel all that accomplished. I have discovered that I believe that I have done it all on my own. The truth is, I haven't. I have been given help and it wouldn't have been so ugly if I had relied on God more for his help.

So, I need to start praying with faith. I need to start reading my scriptures with the intent to learn. I need to be worthy to go to the Temple. I also need to do all the things that I have committed to do with a good attitude. I feel like focusing on my consistency on the things of a Spiritual nature, that all things will fall into place and the things that I don't have any room for will fall away. I have also been reminded that as the time comes closer and closer to the coming of the Savior, relief from our challenges will become less and less. The only relief that seems to always come, is going to the Temple and find the peace, the assurance that things will work out, that you will be taken care of. Isn't that what faith is? Believing in things that are not seen, but are true, that is the definition of what faith means to me. I need more of that.

I should start looking at the things that God asks me to face is really a way that He shows me that He loves me. I know, that seems a little crazed, however it is what makes me feel peace when I write this down to you. I feel a lot of peace trying to get back on track. I should expect challenges. I should also expect to be able to overcome any challenge. I should expect to feel pain, cheated, sad, lost and perplexed. I should also know that the challenge will fade and that I need to ask for strength each and everyday to make it through the day.

I feel like I am getting better to center. I feel like I used to be when I was seeing things beyond the veil. I feel like my sight is getting more clear. I feel comfort that I have come to this place right now.

I am very grateful for the Lord, the gifts He's given me and that I have been protected and given the ability to feel His presence far more easily than most.

Thank you Delysia for listening to me. I love you! 

Orchid Two: Pt. 2

Dear Delysia,

I had a good conversation with Cory today. In fact he has been reaching out to me quite a bit lately. He called me at 6:30 a.m. to chat and tell me about his life. He is a little stressed about getting a job next year, when he's graduated. He also talked to me about how he spoke with a good friend of his from his mission. That guy is a pineapple and is from where Cory is from. He told me about how he really liked the package that I sent him full of food. I sent him trail mixes, nuts and dried fruit. The package also had a book of Snow White and the 7 dwarves... Cory Beth is Dopey. He then chatted about how is roommate, the Muslim, had done all this research and learned that it is all wrong. The internship is over in 2 weeks. He is screwed. He has nothing to base his work on. He told me about this girl that he befriended and then it turned into him wanting to date her. She is 20 yrs old. He is the 'Attracitve 30 year old." She just got home from a mission. He tried to date her right away, but she was just wanting to be friends. Then a couple of nights ago, something changed. So I suppose he is trying to date her now.

He then asked about me and how I was doing. I told him that I was fine. He asked if I was doing OK. I told him that I was working through my struggles and that I didn't want to talk about it. He then asked if I would talk with him about it anyway. Then he told me that he had walked into work. I just gave him a scripture that I really liked and he left for work. Before he hung up, he said," OK, Love you. I miss you. I can't wait to jump into your arms." I responded with, "That's weird." Then he said that he'd text me later. His texts were about what I thought about this girl that he was interested in. He was also interested in what I thought about other people. I didn't really have much to share with him about these people.

He then texted me the next day at 2:30 a.m. He said that he stayed up all night the night before and didn't sleep but 1 hour. He then took an 8 hour nap, ate and was going to bed and asked me about that girl and some other girls. He also wanted to know if he would interact with his Ex again. She moved to Minneapolis and he was afraid that he might run into her. I told him that I didn't know and that I was not his booty call. He said that he texted me in the morning. I said that midnight to 3 am is booty call hour. He said that since he was in Central Time, that he missed the deadline. I told him that I was the one contacted during that time. I told him that I broke up with him on his Birthday because he was a cheater. He told me that I should have told him and tried to work it out. I told him no. hahahaha.

I then gave him a call later today and spoke to him about my adventures. I then asked him if he felt like he had changed. He felt like the changes were: He felt like he was learning to be friends with people without them benefiting him. He felt like he was learning to connect with people in a more meaningful way. He felt like he was learning how to make better friends. He also felt like making friends with the 20 yr old and then wanting to make it a relationship can happen.

I then asked him about if his relationships that were made longer were better. He felt like his mission comp who is a pineapple was better. He felt like his relationship with his mom was better too.

I then asked him if he felt like his relationship with God was better. He answered that it was still the same.

Cory then asked me about my thoughts. I told him that his changes seemed to be weird. His changes should have helped him have a better relationship with God. Then the thought came to me, Cory doesn't ask for God's help to make these changes, he just did them on his own. The other thought came to me that I don't think Cory really believes that he needs to change in the way that I have suggested him to change. I have always shared with him that Consecration and having pure intentions is what he should work on. I also told him that I don't think that he really wants to change in that way. He is a good man anyway. He shared with me that in the Temple he was super worried about his job and the Lord told him, Don't worry about the job. You're not here to make money. You are here to become like God. That is what matters the most.

Cory is living a life where he doesn't need God to accomplish anything. His focus is on things that don't matter.: money, job, fun.

What then came to my mind was, Cory doesn't need help from me, because he doesn't believe that he needs to change or rather that the changes seem to be so insignificant. I told him that I didn't know why I was even helping him, if he didn't need me in the first place. He can accomplish pretty much anything that he wanted. IF he doesn't believe that changes that I have suggested need to occur, then he doesn't need me. In fact, he said earlier that his view about people as to why he wanted to hang with them changed from being unique and interesting to, spiritually uplifting, nice, generous, kind and having a bright aura of countenance. I was sort of offended by that. He had told me that the reason why he liked having me around was because I was unique and interesting and that he didn't have any other person in his life like me. He said I was the only one he knew like that.

I have come to the conclusion that I have not been doing what I have needed to do. I don't take my friendship with Cory as serious as I did with Trevor. And I don't believe that Cory has either. So I have decided that I need to step away from him until he moves back here. I believe that will be in a month or so, so that isn't a very long time. I need time to go back to being more faithful, praying, attending the temple, reading the scriptures and being more willing to be patience and repent of my many follies.

I need to let him know this.

********************************

So I spoke with him about how I felt about stepping away from him for when he gets back. It is actually going to be for a month. He sounded a little shocked and disappointed and probably annoyed by my dramatic behavior. He asked if he could talk to me. I told him that he could, I just wouldn't respond. He sounded a little sad about this, but I also really believe and feel that he and I have not been doing what we should be doing. We have not taken this arrangement seriously and I need time to repent and he may need to too. He told me that he would call me back, but didn't. I assume he is really busy with his presentations. I suppose that is a sign to me. OH well, I need to worry about my flaws and not another persons flaws. I don't have any control on those and I don't know how difficult it may be for them to change.

Beauty All Around Me

Dear Delysia,

Today has been such a wonderful day! I have had a grand time just enjoy myself and taking care of myself. I have always known that I don't do well at taking care of myself. I am very much of a person that self-sacrifices myself to the point where I'm sick. I am just like that. Mama taught me that you sacrifice for the people that you love. She also told me that as the oldest child in the family, it is my responsibility to take care of the other kids of the family. I imagine when mama is gone, the kids will look to me for guidance and direction as mama has been that for us.

The adventures that I had this past weekend are these:

1. Riding motor vehicles on sand dunes with a friend.
2. Taking a 10 mile hike in the wilderness to a beautiful lake with a friend.
3. Going to the pool with my cousins.

The Sand Dunes were soo much fun! I have never ridden a side by side motor vehicle. It was so much fun! Jules is a blast. She is very much of a tom boy, and for some reason enjoys my company. I am so far from being a man it's ridiculous. I am so easily entertained by the simplest of things. So the whole time we were riding in the dunes, my face was being sand blasted, we were bouncing around the dunes and screaming and having a good time! Jules was really attentive to me. She was asking me the whole time if I was OK when we caught air or bounced really hard. We even got stuck and had to walk for a mile and 1/2 to get some help, but it was so much fun! I could do that sand dune thing everyday. It really is such a simple thing, you ride a vehicle really fast on a terrain that you normally wouldn't do! Oh man... I want to go back! The funniest thing was, I was imagining that Jules was Furiosa, a character from Mad Max and I was the treasure. I was imagining that I was running away from Imortann Joe! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.... I was living a fantasy! giggles.... What was also really funny is that I thought Jules was really so nice to me. She was really trying to make sure that I was OK. I am not that fragile of an individual. I may give off this demeanor of being dainty. I am not. I am 6'2, 200 lbs. I can take care of myself.... I just really liked that she was making sure I was OK. :)

My other friend, Shellie asked me to go hiking at 6 a.m. in the morning in the wilderness of a Canyon. It was so much fun! It was perfect weather to lolly-gag around in the bushes.  She is in her late 40's and really a gem. She is such a great friend. She has this obsession of moose. So we were trying to see some moose. We traveled to this spring/pond/pool of water and walked back. I almost pooped my pants! HAHAHAHAHA.... I had held it for so long and then finally, when we got back from the mountain, I ran to the toilet. We didn't have any leaves or anything to wipe my bum. I didn't want to use my sock! giggles... Anyway, we just talked about our concerns about life, people we wanted to get rid of in our lives, bad friends and what we enjoy about life in general. Shellie is a wonderful friend. She is so dainty from New York City. She is so quick and very skilled in whit. We never saw the moose. We plan on going again! On our way home, we had breakfast and she gave me some good council. She told me that I should take more time to just enjoy life. Life is not about working. Life is about making memories, building relationships, being and finding your happiness. Life is too short to work yourself to death. Have fun and enjoy it. She is wonderful! I had so much fun!

Then I went to the pool with Boo Boo Kitty and Sara Taylor. BBK and I have decided that we are going to adopt Sara and she will be our cousin now. In the pool we talked about our boy troubles. BBK had boy troubles with this dude who she trying to date, but isn't sure that she can. Reid has come to terms that BBK isn't going to marry him, YET. Though, I am sure she will come around. She did go on a couple of dates with this dude from a MBA program. After 3 dates, she told him that she wasn't into him. He lashed out at her and said really mean things to her. He said that it was sad that it took her so long to figure out that she didn't want to date him. We both thought 3 dates is the good time to figure out whether or not being with something is what you want. MBA people are such narcissist people. They are very selfish.

Sara talked to us about how she had to take a week from her bf, Taylor. He has behavior patterns that revolve around the autism spectrum. The scary thing is, he hasn't ever been diagnosed, so she has been waiting for him to get tested. She was freaking out about him, because the main deal is that she is not falling in love with him. She wants to be able to fall in love with him, but is stopped by the many behavior patterns that he has. Sara and I are both in the same type of work, so watching human behavior is a thing that we do. Her week ends this Sunday, so she'll go back to him. She has had a week to regain her faculties and be ready to date him some more.

My boy drama is Traci and Cory Beth. HAHAHAHAa... When I think that my boy drama are people that I am friends with is a sad sign. I shouldn't ever be so emotionally invested in strangers. LOL ... but I am. I love them. Traci is having some problems with his girlfriend/not girlfriend. She isn't really behaving in a way that would show him that she is even interested in building another relationship with him. So he is hurting about that. She isn't making any effort to be with him. Traci needs attention from people, or else he doesn't do well. He needs to have someone to pet him and be his support and corner stone, or else he has a hard time dealing with that. He's a puppy. 80 isn't treating him very nice. She has a victim mentality. People like that, don't usually ever want to admit that they are wrong. They have excuses for everything. They are never at fault. 80 is that. She is never at fault for her crappy behavior. I hate that Traci is so into her. I don't really feel like she is someone that he should marry. She seems more like a thorn in someones side, than a help companion. They always fight.
Then my drama with Cory Beth is, he's a really crappy friend. He is so very self-interested and really doesn't put in a lot of effort in relationships in general. There is an exception to that rule, you have to have a uterus, boobs, female, model body and be a monster of manipulation. I think he is a horrible friend. Traci defends him in the sense that when you need him to be a good friend, he will be. Those moments seem to be far and few between in my mind. He isn't really consistent. Though, to his credit, he has tried. I just gauge his efforts with girls he just meets mins ago and he's staying awake till the dawn, spending $$$ he doesn't have and disappearing from the face of the earth, just to make out and get handsy with. If he would commit that type of effort in the relationships that matter the most, he'd wouldn't be starved for attention or loyalty. Friendship isn't want he wants, he wants a wife. As far as friendships concern me? We aren't any better friends when he moved away. I don't like him that much. I am to a point where I don't want to talk to him anymore.

BBK scolded me and said that he is making more effort than he has ever before with anyone before. That is true. He told me that I am the only one that he texts on a 'regular' basis. I told her that, texting causal things and being face value doesn't cut it for me. I felt like the past couple of days he's been really interested in the gifts that I offer him. So I think since he's moving back, he'll want to develop our friendship, but I'm done. BBK then told me that I should focus on the things he has done and not the ones he hasn't. Be sent me a painting, he does chat with me every once in a while, he is nice to me when we talk. That is all that I can think of. I have sacrificed so much for him and he hasn't even thought of much of anything else, but to answer the phone and text. He just makes me feel like I am with Tristan again. I hate that feeling. So I have come to the conclusion that Cory Beth is just a crappy friend and I should just expect mediocre effort. It isn't fair to expect him to put as much effort as I do. It sucks, but he and I will never really be close friends, or at least not close friends that I am with Traci. Since Traci is my best friend and has wanted me to be, I want to be his too. Cory doesn't want a best friend that is a pineapple. He wants a wife. So, I can't blame him for that.

I need to take more random adventures with people or by myself and just enjoy the beauty around me! I am so HAPPY Delysia!

Love you!

Rage of the Oceans

Dear Delysia,

Today could have been a horrible day, but it didn't end up being one. The past couple of days has been really hard, but I have come off feeling better.

First and foremost, I had to come to terms with the idea that even though, I am a really good friend, I cannot expect people to do as much as I do. Friendship is all that I have. As for everyone else, that is not true. So I cannot expect that people will want to reciprocate the same amount of effort in me as I do for them. That really sucks a lot! Being a nun, friendship is all that I have?! I want people to treat me as good as I treat them. When they don't, I freak out and want to cut them out of my life. Tristan is a great reminder of wasting 5 years with a person that couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to be a good friend. If I were to be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, I would just assume that they don't know how. Therefore, I would be patience with them. I am too old to be throwing pearls to swine. I don't do that. I won't do that. Life is too short to be coddling people along that don't care about you, or unable to express it. Find people that can express their love and concern.

I feel that way with Cory. I don't really want to have anything to do with him. BBK told me that he has showed me love and affection in the past, but he may not be willing or able to keep up with the amount of effort that I put into our friendship. I told her that is fair, I just don't want to keep going in the roller coaster ride. She just told me that if he reaches out once in a while, be OK with it. She told me that I just need to take space and time and refill my emotional and spiritual bank. When I do, I am not wasting it on Cory. I sort of felt like that would be harder to do, but it has been a breeze. He's too busy to notice that I've lost all interest to speak to him at any time or cost. I mean, I have given up a whole bunch of stuff to make it more convenient for him to contact me. It doesn't seem like it is something that he'll be able to do. I am done with him. I will help him, if he asks, but I don't really want to share or talk or build anything with him. I would much prefer for him to just find some girl to marry and be done with it. All I want from him now, is to get married, so he can find the 3rd Orchid for me. When the 3rd orchid is found, I can move on.

I told Traci my thoughts and he just said that I should just fade without telling Cory. I am going to do that. I am going to just fade and it is too late now.

I fought with Traci on Monday. I was really hurting and having a hard time getting over my meltdowns. Traci just spoke to me like he knew what I needed to do and wasn't listening to me. I felt like he was just yelling at me and was telling me to stop crying and to get up and run to the finish line. As you know, I don't really do well with that approach. He wrote me a message in a text that pissed me off really bad. He told me that he knew what it was like to be alone and knew the ache of loneliness. That enraged me so much! He doesn't know what loneliness feels like I do. He has plenty of opportunities to interact with people that he can have his needs met. My life will never be like that, given who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. He can date and marry. I cannot date and marry. He doesn't risk his standards to date. I do. He knows nothing of what it is like to stand in a box and being told that I can never leave the box. He is allowed to get out of the box and play. I can only sit and watch!

I wrote him a text and told him to just leave me alone. I didn't speak to him for a full day. I was really bothered by the Spirit to not allow the silence to go on for more than that. I called him the next day and just told him that I had gotten over myself. He spoke to me in a snarky tone of voice, but he was sincere about being supportive and that he loved and cared for me a lot. He really complimented me on what he hoped for me. He told me that he had an experience where Pres. Gordon B. Hinkley walked into a room and he felt the Spirit so overpowering, that he knew Pres. Hinkley had entered the room, even though Traci didn't see him enter. Then he told me that it takes a lot of sacrifice and refinement to get to the point, where people cannot deny the feeling of the Spirit. Traci told me that I will be like that one day, where the rooms will just be filled with the Spirit. I was snarky to him at the time, but it has really been on my mind a lot. I want to be like that. I mean, it has happened on occasion, where people will come to me and tell me that they can really feel the sweet spirit about me. I think that I can do that... be pure and lovely in the standards of the Spirit.

I have been sending scriptures to my mama to help her feel peace and comfort. I have been having a hard time praying. I have such a complicated relationship with God. I don't like to speak to Him very often. I do feel the Spirit, but I just feel like He's mean and cruel on purpose. I can't think about it too much, because I get really upset and mad about my life situation and how it's really unfair.

Speaking of monsters, Traci's girlfriend/not girlfriend had the never to tell Traci that she doesn't like me because she thinks that I play the victim card! I was so mad, but came to the realization that she and I don't even compare. I am far more developed in the things that matter the most, compared to her loosey goosey self. That trick can't even touch me. In fact, I am going to make sure that people can't claim that I play the victim. Traci said that she and I both play the victim. I know she does. She is never wrong. I am wrong and admit when I am. I hate her so much. She is such a pathetic soul of trashy proportions. I hate that Traci is so taken by her nasty, mean spirited self.... I am done speaking about her.

I did however, tell Traci that if he ends up marrying her that he should just expect me to disappear. I won't endure her. I won't deal with her victimized attitude. You look at her with a crooked eye and she is flying off the handle and crying and lashing out when she's not feeling well. He told me that he will not accept that from me. He told me that her and I will be the death of him. I told Traci that I will never put him in a position where he'll have to choose. I know that I will always lose that battle. So I won't put up with her being with him. He can have her and be happy. I will come back when she is dead and out of the way. He didn't like that. He told me that he won't allow that to happen. He also told me that he's working on her to change. I just roll my eyes and think, what a big waste of time. She is damaged. ... So I have come to terms of letting him go, so he can be happy with his wife. Though, I did say that his mom loves me. She doesn't even know who 80 is, other than some whiny, sick victim.

Then I have this fatty, fugly witch who is trying to get me fired by stirring up drama with our job. She is trying to get me fired because she is trying to distract all the other people from seeing that she is not doing her job. She accused me of not doing a good enough job. Anyway, little does she know that, her mistakes and favoritism are going to ruin her. Her place here is not permanent.

I have learned that when you openly try to ruin someones life, with no justification, you will ruin your life and the life of your kids. In the scriptures, we are told that the sins of the fathers will fall upon he children... and I have found that the Lord will curse the kids and you will be punished for it. He'll punish us with things that will hurt us the most, if we openly rebel.

Anyway, She has been stopped from trying to ruin my life. Her son is safe for now. I feel better about the situation. She is over her head and needs to leave me alone.

Boo Boo Kitty

Dear Delysia,

I want to share with you more my thoughts and feelings about my dearest friend Boo Boo Kitty aka Caitlynn Cooper. I want to first and foremost, share with you how much I love being friends with her. Being friends with people is really a wonder and a joy. She is a best friend that I haven't had in a really long time. I love her ideas about the gospel, her thoughts about her experiences and how she has really pondered about how the gospel works with her and her future. She is very devout to the gospel and devout to doing as what God would tell her to do. She is so very spiritually minded.

I have really enjoyed her deep connection to her family, her abilities to connect with people in a meaningful way. She comes from a family of 7 sisters, a mom and a dad. Her dad was a convert to the church. She has a deep understanding for the way girls interact with each other. She is also a very sharp, intelligent, bold young woman. She is also very confident and very objective in her opinions about things. She isn't afraid to call people on their crap. I enjoy that the most.

It is really funny, because she met another friend of mine who is very much a tom-boy and those two didn't connect well. It's funny though, because Jules said she didn't really like hanging out with girls, because they are too much drama. Then BBK asked why Jules was friends with me?! LOL *slap!

BBK is very engaging, nice and just an overall wonderful person. She is a nurse, and is very knowledgeable. I enjoy her presence. She makes me feel like I can be myself. She knows a lot about my life. At least she knows most of the secrets, or the most important ones: I'm a pineapple. She doesn't judge me and enjoys that I can be myself.

I have been trying really hard to be the best friend that I know how to be with her. I've been really complimentary to her, I've given her gifts, I've spent time with her, I've served her, I've given her hugs and I've always enjoyed the deep talks about spiritual things. We talk a lot about that, in our journey to be the best people that we can be. She complimented me on that. She told me that one of the things that she enjoys about me, is that when she is around me, she has God more on her mind. She also was so impressed that I am able to fully become emotionally invested in people that I don't really mesh well with or connect with, IE: the orchids. She was so impressed that I was able to worry about them and their welfare, as much as I worry about the welfare of my siblings. She was also very impressed that I have made the decision to be a nun.

In truth, I have decided to not let my friendship with her go. I want her to always be a really good friend. She is a friend that I won't let it go. I have fully connected and allowed for them to connect with me. I will not let that fade, if I have anything to do with that. Given that I'm now a Cooper and her mom adores me and has adopted me, BBK and I are sisters now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Delysia, I have become so blessed with where I am at now. I have asked the Lord to help me realize how things have become better for me in my life, since I have been able to attend the Temple, and BBK comes to mind, my siblings and their families well being come to mind, the general happiness and peace that I feel more often than not and my ability to use my spiritual gifts. I really feel like I'm a treasure...more than usual. I am able to bless the lives of those that I love and I have the assurance that I have done something because of the worthiness I have become. I feel like I am becoming who I need to be, a spiritual powerhouse. I feel like the ones that I have learned to love, don't ever feel for a moment in the time with me that I don't love them. I know that I am not guilty of that. The ones I love, know it.

A Day with my Brother

Dear Delysia,

Today has been a great day! This morning I had a wonderful time hanging out with my little brother Jacob (poo). His name is really Jacob but my nickname is Jacob Poo. He doesn't like that very much, but I do, because he's my whittle broduah. I just love him!

Jacob texted me yesterday and told me that he was coming down to send off his family to Texas. His wife is from there and she was taking the kids to stay with her family for a month. So Jacob wanted to spend some time with me for awhile.

I met up with him for breakfast. We ate at a very delicious place, called Pig & Jelly Jar. We actually were there for about 3 hours just talking about life. Jacob and I used to live in Vegas. He had just been married and had is first baby and second baby there in Vegas. So, I saw him a lot and we got to know each other a lot better. He and I have had a troubled relationship. He was a popular, pretty boy who everyone loved and wanted to be friends with. I was the kid that was ridiculed. There was a time where Jacob was embarrassed of me, because of the reputation that I had in school. For most of his High school career, he went to a different school than I did. He was protected when he was in High school. So, he had a good experience. He didn't have to face the crap that I did, by association. He also felt sometimes that I didn't care about him. He has a very tender heart. He's a good boy. Being married has really helped him calm down and be more self-less and more aware of the beauty around him, instead of focusing on the beauty he saw in himself.

His family is beautiful! He has 2 daughters, a son and an unknown child on the way. Kapretty, Mya, wolf bear and unknown. LOL... as you can tell, in my family, we operate from nicknames!

While we were in Vegas, Jacob had faced some really hard challenges. But I am happy that he is starting to see how the Lord speaks to me. I often forget that my gift is to hear the Voice of God. Jacob has heard the voice of God before as well, far me clearly than when I've heard him. The example was when he serving in the temple in Idaho Falls. My cousin that he and I grew up with, Rye, was struggling really bad with his marriage and drug use. One day, Jacob heard as clear as day a voice that told Jacob this: 'Go and visit Rye. Give him a call and visit him'. Jacob immediately thought in his mind, "Why should I? Rye knows that I'm here and if he wanted to hang out, he would contact me."
Later that day, Jacob found out that Rye had committed suicide. I learned of that through a letter from my mom, after the funeral. I was serving a mission at the time that this all happened.

Jacob learned that day, that when you are told to do something, sometimes, there is only once chance and then it's too late. It makes me think, that I need to be in more contact with my brothers and sisters. I need to be helping them more than what I have been doing. Makisha, Jacob and Cherokee need more support. I imagine that I'll need to stay in better contact with them when mama passes on.

We also spoke about what has been going on with my family, specifically my mom. Jacob was really bothered that Rosey called him and asked him to help him with an online application to help him with the situation at hand. It really freaked out Jacob and has bothered my brother. He doesn't let go of things very easily. He told me that he was really concerned about the future of his family and his career. So I told him of my spiritual journey and the journey of our family. I told him about my friendship with Traci and Cory Beth. I told him that there were 5 more orchids to meet and help. I told him all the beautiful things that could happen to those two and what could happen to them if they continued to move forward. I gave him examples of how us kids are second generation members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I told him of the stories that I have learned and heard from the many sacrifices of the women who gave up all that they loved to be a part of this church and to partake of the Gospel. I told him that Grandpa Smith told mama that if she ever felt like leaving the church and gospel, that she should find something better before she left. Jacob laughed at that thought. The truth, there isn't anything better. I also told him that if Mom was saved from the life of the reservation, and was asked to endure other horrible things, and she was able to endure, we can too. I told him that I always think that when I'm discouraged, 'If mom can do it, so can I'. I also told him that the spiritual gifts and strength of our ancestors can be ours because children are a reflection of their parents. Jacob said that he felt the spirit. He really felt at peace and had a lot of things to think about and had his prayers answered.

I realized that I miss talking to my brother. I miss being around my sibling. Though, my brother can be a poop and some what difficult to be with, because he has a temper, he is a wonderful man. He is my little brother and I love him so much. I want him to be a good dad. I want him to be the dad that us kids never had. I want his family to love him, to honor him, to think of him with fondness, to respect him, to rely on him, to be someone that they think back and say, 'That man was a man of God and tenderness and love'. I am glad that he is my little brother. He is mine.

I am filled with such love and peace for my family. Jacob needs more attention. Boys and girls are really no different from each other. They process information differently, but they are very much the same. It is our society and gender roles that keep the men from asking for help and support and affection from people they want that from. I will call and text my brother more often, given that he has asked me to be better at that.

My favorite thing about talking with my brother is that he said, "Joshua, I am so glad that I spent this time with you. I wouldn't have spent this time any other way. Your strength will be mine. I love you."

I am starting to see that my siblings will need me more often than not. I will keep them more on my thoughts. I always put their names on the Temple roll.

:)

Opposites Attract

Dear Delysia,

As I have been reading the last few chapters of 2 Nephi, the thoughts have come to me, that complaining isn’t a good thing. The scriptures call it as murmuring. Especially in Chapter 29, it talks about those that believe that things are really good in the city of Zion, or those that say that the knowledge that they have received is complete. It is interesting to me that complaining leads you to a place where you lose the things that you have received. The Lord says that if you complain too much about the things that you’ve received, or have the attitude that you have been given enough, that all the things that you have received will be taken away. The connecting thought to this is the parable of the Talents. If you don’t use your talents, you lose them. It is interesting that Talents/Gifts/Knowledge of the Gospel are all compound in the same thing.

When or where does a person come to a point where they complain so much that their gifts from God are taken away? I suppose open rebellion is taken away. It even appears that even the Gift of the Holy Ghost only disappears when you’re excommunicated. I’ve only known a couple of people in my life where that has happened: Mr. Rosen and a friend Jesse. Jesse told me the worst punishment for him was that he could no longer feel the presence of God with him. He said he felt so empty and alone. He didn’t realize how often the presence of the Lord had been with him, even during the times that he was doing the bad things that he was doing, he still felt the comfort that God was not afar off. However, he related to me that once the Leadership had stripped him of his privileges and rights to the access of the Power of God.

It is interesting that as I think and recall of the memories that I have placed back, I have a lot of interactions with people in general that I should not be clinging to for their example. The only real one that I should be holding on to is mama’s. Mama has always held on to her covenants. And since I want to be all the wonderful things that mama is, I must comply, bow my head and submit to whatever comes my way. All the other examples of others mistakes and successes shouldn’t matter as much as the one that comes from mom. It is unreasonable for me to believe that God wouldn’t punish me for not having a good attitude about the things that I have been given.

When I finally got a hold of mom, I just asked her how she was handling all these crisis’ that seem to befall her. I can’t think that when mom’s world comes crashing down, that it has to do with her being unrighteous. I have always known mom try her hardest to live the gospel. I know that because her kids are a reflection of her commitment to the gospel and example. We are all, for the most part, faithful. So the only other explanation is that, it is supposed to happen for her betterment. I hate that reason far more. At least with punishment, I can understand. That is the natural cause of justice. But since mama is a celestial law abiding citizen, the reasoning for her betterment bothers me so much more, because it isn’t clear. It is more like, shiz happens and deal with it. Though, mama has really kept her head up. She told me that she went to the temple and just felt peace. She also said that nothing in this world is ours, we borrow it or are asked to take care of it. If He sees fit to take it away, then He can have it. Those things are His to do with how He pleases. I don’t really like this either, but it makes sense. I don’t like it because it makes me think, then why do we even try to accomplish anything, if He is just going to sweep the floor from underneath us and respond, ‘It’s good for you. Thanks.’ It makes me think that trying to have anything in this world, isn’t worth trying to achieve because it will just be taken away, just like mom’s life. All that she has ever worked for, has never remained. Her business, her house, her marriage, her health… the only things that have remained is her kids. It is as if the Lord likes to watch my mom restart over and over for ‘her betterment’. I doesn’t seem to far from Trevor’s mom either. She is in her late 50’s early 60’s and is finally able to provide for herself and not having to rely on the grace of others kindness and support. She is able to sustain and support herself. I don’t know how she managed to face that all these years. I adore Trevor’s mom. I feel though, that she has been dealt a harsh hand for trying to be the best person that she could be.

…. Now the counter thought is…. I don’t know how the eternities will work out. I don’t know what is needed to help the souls of these people grow. I don’t know anything about what could and what cannot be. I don’t know the rewards nor the prices that have been paid or the promises. In my very blurry eyesight, I can’t see anything clearly regarding these women of faith.  I can’t see the spiritual gifts that have been given. Mom told me that her greatest gift has been to be able to forgive and overlook the faults of others. I am not like that very much. I want justice right away.

…. Sigh….. I am a hypocrite. I have a hard time just letting stuff go…. My pride is just in the way. I don’t like these situations and I don’t like to endure them. I feel like God is treating us with such cruelty… with these shaky, canned ideas that ‘everything will work out when you die’ phrases. …. I suppose, it is time to work things out and just come to terms with all this. This life, is meant to try us to see if we will do all the things that we’re commanded to do. Even when it seems that we’re being manipulated towards sorrow and destruction. Abraham and his son, is a good example of that snarky thought.

………………….

So my friend asked me: Why don’t you just do things that will make you happy and bring you peace, instead of being played with this dogma from people who don’t know the experiences first hand. How can one understand the depth and breadth if they are married, white and have never known loneliness, beyond a wife dying? They can’t in my mind.

He may have a point. No one can really understand. A canned answer is, Jesus does….

…. Ugh……. I hate when I get into a place like this. I think too much. I want things to work out now. I want to see or know of a more tangible thing to cling on too. I have no desire to move forward today. I have no desire to work things out in my mind, it hurts a lot….. If mom is going to experience a life of shatter and mass destruction while living the gospel, I certainly don’t want that in my life. Though, I am going to pay a different price than her. I’m a pineapple. I don’t have a path that I can live that allows for much help beyond begging for it from others.

………….. I’m done beating a dead horse. I need to stop complaining. That doesn’t do anything. I should do what Old Aunt Rose said to do. She said to put on your favorite, colorful dress, put on your dancing shoes and skip on thru life without a care in the world. Since I threw all my favorite dresses and outfits out and I no longer have my heels for dancing, I’ll walk barefoot, hum and pretend I’m a pretty unicorn down the road to oblivion or peace. I’m not sure which one that will be. I’m pretty sure it’s both.

A Warning: Orchid #2

Dear Cory,

I am writing you this letter because I am not sure how else to share with you what has come to my mind from the past month or so.

First of all, I want to say, thank you. Thank you for being very patience with me. Thank you for being willing to listen to my crazy attics about my life. I imagine it was like listening to a broken record. Thank you for being nice to me. Thank you for your advice and sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. You're a good man. May you find a woman that can be equally as wonderful as you are. May your life always find the happiness and peace you've always wanted.

As I have gotten to know you, see you for who you are and to witness the changes and wonders that you've done with the help of the Lord, I am in awe. You're a wonderful human being. A grand soldier in the army of our God. Your determination to be obedient in praiseworthy and commendable. You've always stayed a covenant keeper. I admire your determination to endure to the end, no matter what. I admire the fearlessness you have in committing to someone that you've grown to love. It is like a beautiful fantasy when you called me and said that you could see yourself with Bri Stauss. I thought it was so cute that you had known her for an hour and came to that conclusion.

I wanted to let you know that I admire your many strengths and hope that they will continue to serve you well as you continue forward in this life. I am sorry that I may have not always been the best support to you. I have tried to give you all that I have to offer that you may become the best person that you can be.

I feel that I need to share with you a warning before you lose some of the blessings that you've been told that you may have, IF you keep up your end.

The main blessing that I first gave to you was, if you continued on the path of being the best person that you can be, that your sister, Kayla would be able to go to the Temple and see you get married. The current path that you're on, that reality is fading.

The blessing that you'll marry someone who will be an equal to you, is also fading.

Let me share with you why Pineapples have been scattered around in your life. There are 3 folds for you:

1. Knowing pineapples throughout your life, gives you an advantage to save your sister. Your sister won't come back without your help. Because of who she is and because of who you are, your kinship with her is strong. If she doesn't make it to your wedding, she'll not come back until her late 40's. That is IF you keep in contact with her.

2. I shared with you that once you're married, you'll be given an opportunity to be Bishop. You'll save many people who suffer with a lot of issues, regarding potential divorce and consistency with commandments. You'll also save the youth and young adults battling severe issues, including drugs, porn, pineapple, addictions... There will be 2 kids that will be around the same age as your kids. They will be influential to your kids. It will be a girl and a boy. You'll save them in a way that will allow the boy to serve a mission and the girl to remain faithful through her teen years and on.

3. Your son, will face pineapple issues. He will be your most perfect son. He will be the perfect reflection of you and your wife. He'll be everything that you'd hope in a son. Though, as he grows, you'll notice that one day he just changes. You'll not notice the change until he starts to grow distant from the church. The time before he's about to serve a mission, he'll share with you that he's a pineapple and that he's dating someone now. He won't have done anything that will keep him from a mission, but he'll be close.

.... Your pillar won't be your wife any longer. It will be your son. You interacting with me, helps you understand how your sister will feel. You interacting with your sister will help you see her point of view. You'll be prepared for those 2 kids when they come. IF you don't help these people, saving your son will be incredibly hard. Those 2 kids, you won't be able to relate with and help. Without your sister's positive influence, your son will fall. He'll go to her for comfort, not you. Those 2 kids will either persuade him to stay true and resist or they'll encourage him to do things he shouldn't.

Learning to interact and connect with people is so very important. Learning to love and show love is so very important. You're building a base of what could either help you stand with these major things or you'll falter the whole way.

You've promised that you'd do certain things and have not done them to the best of your ability. You'll pay for your mistakes much later in life, if you aren't able to remain steady with your promises. I have learned that once you graduate from school in April 2017, I am no longer chained to you. I have also learned that I will never live near you again.

It is not in my nature to keep up with a friend if I feel like they don't care about me. I don't speak to you everyday as you said you'd do. You have not kept in contact with your sister either, as you've said you'd do on a daily basis.

The Lord has promised that you'll do well in school, that you'll get the type of job that will help you get out of debt and help you provide comfortable living conditions. He has promised that if you keep your promises, that you'll be given help to overcome the dangers that will befall you and your family in the future. If you continue on your path that you're on now, you'll lose the tools necessary to succeed in the future.

As of now, I don't see myself in your future anymore. I want to be able to help you accomplish the things that you need to, to do the tasks that God would have you do.  I don't think it's too late for your sister, though it is fading fast.

I will continue to pray, fast and put your name in the temple and assist you when you request it. I will try my hardest to continue to love and support you the best way I know how. I am trying to continue to share with you good, uplifting, happy things that are happening in my life.

Our friendship gives me a lot of anxiety. It reminds me of my friendship with Tristan. I am trying really hard not to feel that way. I am trying to like and love you for your strengths and not feeling resentment for your weaknesses. I am sorry that I resist you all the time. I am sorry when you feel like I am mean to you. I am sorry that I'm not always positive and uplifting. I am trying to interact with you in a way that you'll feel comfortable and supported. I will do better to making our interactions more comfortable until the end.

I realized that I have interacted with you, by loving you with conditions. I am trying to change that. I recognize that I can't expect anything from you. I need to love you unconditionally. I just want you to like me. I want our friendship to be like the friendship that I have with Trevor. I just want to talk to you. I feel the spirit every time I speak to you. I also think that I should not want those things. I should just want you to be successful. I can do that.

You're a wonderful human being. I hope that all your dreams can come true. May you always have eyes to see and a heart to feel the Spirit of God.

- Joshua

The Sands & Surf of San Diego

Dear Delysia,

I am so sorry for not writing to you in the past couple of days. It has been so busy and out of control! I had a lot of fun going to San Diego with Boo Boo Kitty and Reid. BBK's mom lives in San Marcus, 45 mins north of San Diego. We drove after I got home from work on Monday. We arrived to the house around 2 in the morning. Reid drove most of the way.

The next morning, I woke up to piano playing at 8 am. BBK's sister, Alisa was there with her two kids: Lucia, Cooper and Lukas. Reid had already been awake and spoke with BBK's mom and dad about how he wanted their blessings when he proposed to BBK in a couple of days. We were only going to be in San Diego until Thursday night. BBK had to work at 1 pm on Friday. I thought that was a really bold move. I thought it was really bold because her parents didn't really know that Reid and her were not really dating. They dated for about a month or so. It was not that long. If I was the parents, I would be really surprised to hear that this dude is about to propose to my daughter and I have not heard her talk about him all that much. Reid told me that BBK's mom wanted to talk to him about this idea. What Reid didn't know was, BBK's dad went upstairs and spoke with her about Reid wanting to marry her. That was a major blow to his cause. He really wanted to get her family to be on his side. I don't think that he did a very good job at that. He was in this weird grumpy mood.

I was starting to notice that he was really getting jealous of me as I interacted with BBK's family. I met her mom and she instantly became my mom too! I became a Cooper! giggles... It's funny, because the Cooper family is a matriarch home. There are 8 girls and the dad. Mom Cooper and I became best friends. The grand babies were adorable. I was really getting annoyed by Reid's behavior because he was saying really rude things about me, in front of the Cooper family. He said to the family that I don't like it when I'm not the center of attention. He also told them that I like to pretend to be something that I'm not. He said that I like to pretend I'm classy, but I'm really low class. These types of comments that he said to the family, in front of me, to her mom really pissed me off. I didn't say one shady thing about him to her family, nor did I say anything snarky about him in front of the mom or dad! I am still really mad about this! He asked me to come to this trip to help and support him. That is what I did. I am really good at supporting others in getting what they want, because I can cheat.

Delysia, you know that one of my pet peeves is when people transform into angels when they are trying to date people. Boys and girls do this, but boys are notorious in doing this. It pisses me off that Reid is like this. He is really nice and wonderful when he wasn't trying to date BBK. But when he started dating her and wanted to have her as his wife, he transformed into a Saint! I hate this! I HATE IT SO MUCH! It makes me believe that their behavior and mindsets are based on using people. I refuse to be used or treated poorly by men in that way. So when I was raging to Trevor about this whole situation, Trevor said that I'm bias towards men and that I was really happy to be friends with Reid and then all of a sudden I'm happy that his plan to marry BBK is probably not going to happen. I thought about Trevor's call to reprieve and I realized that I had sacrificed time and PTO to come to this trip to help him with his dream and command to propose to BBK. And once his opportunity had wilted away, he was treating me like I didn't matter anymore. I felt betrayed. I had given him the benefit of the doubt, because he's a good person. He is supposed to be in my life, whether I like it or not. Yet, as I have given him all that I have and it didn't pan out the way he wanted, there isn't any use for me anymore, so he's going to throw me under the bus with his remarks about me.

What pissed me off as well, was Trevor telling me that I should give Reid the benefit of the doubt because guys are not all that way. He said that we have our own internal narratives that we tell ourselves to brand people and situations where we are not wrong and we self-soothe the bad in people because we have developed a story to fit our perspective. He said that men aren't all like that... they don't use people to get what they want. Women use people as much as men do. What Trevor's doesn't know is that I don't fully support user women. I cut them out of my life. I also don't have a lot of experience of women using me because I don't offer them things that they want. I do offer men what they want, a highway to beautiful women. What made me really think snide remarks about Trevor was when he said that most men don't use people. I responded with, Trevor, our friendship started out with you using me. My friendship with Cory has started out with him using me. I am supposed to allow it to some degree with the orchids, because they are all users. How do you become successful in the business world, if you're really pretty and attractive and smart? You use others talents and abilities to get where you want to go. In turn they use you for your advantages and talents. It's also known as 'networking'. That is the fancy word, using term for being a user. I see it all the time among the wealthy, pretty and smart. It's a triple threat if you are all three of those things. I refuse to be used for my talents and abilities. I will only endure it if I am asked too... via the orchids. But I will not endure it from anyone else..... I am sorry that I got ugly.... :(

Though, overall, I had so much fun! Worshiping the sun and surf was so much fun. There are so many pretty people there in San Diego area. Especially people that you would like... tall glasses of water! giggles.... I want to move there so badly. Though, I don't think it is a very safe place to live. I would fall easily there in Cali. There is too much evil that I'm not strong enough to resist there. My skin is all one color now, Golden brown delicious! giggles...

****************************

The most interesting thing that happened to me was when I was driving home. Reid and I had a very interesting conversation about spiritual gifts.

Delysia, I don't feel comfortable enough to share with you all that we talked about. Know though that I saw the collector. He is real! Reid asked if I have seen him. I have never seen his face until that night. He looks like a young man, white, sharp nose, he was wearing this khaki coat, with blueish/green eyes. I will run into him during a public celebration. I'll run into him and he'll say my name and I'll look up and see that it is him. I'll be really scared. I don't know what I will do when I meet him. Hopefully, I won't actually meet him.

Reid asked me what he is supposed to do to help me. He said that he is supposed to protect me, but he's not sure how he is supposed to do that. What was even more scary was when I told him if I had ever met the Collector, that is when I saw his face. Reid asked if the Collector knows who I am. I don't know if he does. I imagine if I saw him, he'll see me too. I'm not sure, but it makes me feel cold. Reid then asked me if he is supposed to help protect me from the Collector. He also asked if the Orchids will be there to help protect me too. I am not sure. I have never thought of the Orchids as being in a position to protect me. I've never thought of them as protectors. I will admit that I don't like the idea of being protected. I don't actually think that I need protection. I think of myself as a mystic of great talent and ability, that by the time the Collector comes around, that I will be able to avoid him. That is my pride speaking... I suppose, I need help... but protection?.... ugh.... I don't like that. I don't like the idea of a man protecting me.

Reid then asked me if I would take advice and direction from him about my life. That question, I had a hard time answering. I don't see Reid as an equal. I see Cory Beth and Traci as equals, but I don't really see Reid as one. I should see Reid as one, because he is extremely talented with a very rare gift, that I've never heard of or seen in action. I've handled similar things, but not the same.... I have felt the presence of what he has battled before.

I don't know.... thinking about it and writing this down makes me nervous. Though, I am safe for now, I won't always be safe. Reid warned me that when I speak of it, of them, the more you invite them to be a part of my life. I have only ran into them 3 times. I imagine that time goes on, I will have more run ins with them.

.... I don't know how the Collector harms people, but I am sure that as time goes on, I'll see and witness how it happens....


The atonement is real and awesome.

One last thing, I had a really good chat with Cory Beth today. He's a wonderful man. He's a soft and squishy little teddy bear. He has a really tender and sweet piece of him that I really enjoy. Talking to him, I felt like he was really happy to talk to me, because he wanted to. I don't know how to explain it. When he was speaking to me today, he was just really engaged. I felt like he was really wanting to listen to what I had to say and that he was willing to share his thoughts and ideas. He told me about how he has been thinking about the truth that we are Children of God:

"... It is essential that our preeminent identity is as a Child of God. Knowing that will allow our faith to flourish, will motivate our continual repentance and will provide the strength to 'be steadfast and immovable' throughout our mortal journey."

He said that as he has thought about this and have tried to see how wonderful it is that we know that we are Children of God, that it has really helped him be more spiritual in all aspects. Then he related that the other day, he noticed that his mind was wandering and thinking about things that were unclean. Then the thought occurred to him that he didn't act on any of those unclean thoughts and that it was a huge deal that he didn't act on them, for many would. Once he had realized that he had done good work and focused on the battle won and not the battle itself, the burden of feeling unclean left him. He said that I should do the same as well. He advised that I should find peace and comfort that the battles that I have won and overcome, I should celebrate over. I shouldn't get discouraged over the things that I haven't conquered yet. He told me that he was impressed with the things that I have overcome. He shared with me that I should be thankful and recognize that it's OK that I haven't won the battle, for trying is what wins the battle. This was the first time that I felt like Cory is my equal in things of a spiritual nature. He doesn't speak a lot or share his thoughts, but I know he has a swell of knowledge that he doesn't share. But this time, I felt that he felt comfortable enough to share a treasure of his with me freely. I always feel the spirit when I speak to the Orchids. I love speaking about the thoughts, ideas and conclusions involving the gospel. I love talking about that with Traci. This moment, Cory shared with me his knowledge and experience freely. I am really happy that he did. He's so adorable! :D

hahahahaa... I did tease him about this girl that he is trying to support who is Islamic. I was impressed that she went into the bushes with him all by herself. I told him that I wouldn't go in the bushes with him by myself. He's too handsy. LOL.... He's wonderful. I love him. Both Traci and Cory Beth are wonderful men of God. I am so grateful that I've gotten a chance to see them change and become true followers of God. It is beautiful to see such change among the noble and great ones.


Delysia, I have lots to be grateful for. Sunday is almost here. I will get to see some of the Saints there that I have learned to love. :)

The Puppy pt 5

Dear Delysia,

Last night, Traci and I spoke to each other for about several hours. I fasted that he would feel the Spirit. I fasted that Eric would feel the strength of the promise that was given to him about his wife a year ago. I also fasted that I could be better friends with Cory Beth.

I skipped on church because I was talking to Traci. I have forgotten that when Traci has new sense of change in his life, he needs a lot of attention. He spoke about how he was hurting that the blessings didn't come at this time in his life. Though, he was willing to be patience and have faith. I feel for him. It saddens me too that his blessings didn't come right now. Though, when God makes promises, they will always come true, IF you do your part.

We talked a lot about gospel topics. What we really talked about was the future. As you know, God has given me the gift to peer into the future when He wills it and when I'm in a position where I can see clearly and worthy. When I'm in a position to feel the Spirit, I can see the future clearly. It's like a glimpse in time. Agency can change things, the future is fluid, nothing is set in stone. Choices solidify the future.

Traci asked me what I saw for Danielle and him in the future. This is what I saw:

Danielle will come back after Traci's first wife has passed away. Who that could be, I don't know yet. Traci doesn't get to choose who the girl is, she chooses. Though that can change. Who Traci marries is in the dark right now.

Danielle will have returned to the church, without a husband or kids. She'll be older. Her face will show the age, sorrow and struggle she's faced. Some how, I'll call or run into Danielle and she'll catch up and tell me that she would like to chat and talk about her life. She'll want to just feel love and support. I'll happily meet her somewhere at a restaurant. When I meet her there, she'll tell me that it has been a real struggle to come back to the church and repent. She'll tell me that she got back to the temple. When I enter the restaurant, I'll see Traci's sign of the water fountain shaped as a sun. When I see that, I'll text Traci to come meet me at our location. He'll resist me for a few and then concede to meet me. It will take Traci about 45 mins to meet me at the food place. In the mean time, Danielle and I nibble on some of the food that we ordered and we'll catch up. During that time, I will pull out the letter Traci wrote to Danielle so many years ago. I'll let her read it and she'll be so emotional that she won't be to finish it, so I'll finish it for her. We'll just clasp each others hands and just cry. She'll then ask me about Traci. For during that whole time that we are friends, I will have never spoken of Traci to her again. I'll tell her that he was married, has kids. Danielle will ask how is wife is. I will tell her that she has been gone for about a year or two. She'll be sad to hear that.

By the time we start talking about Traci, he'll be there almost. I'll ask her if she would like the opportunity to speak to him about his letter to her. She'll be hesitant and respond that she wouldn't mind talking to him, but would be afraid to talk to him because she would wonder if he still really loves her after all those years. By that time, Traci will text me and I'll say to Danielle that she'll get her opportunity to speak to him in person. I would have ordered a gluten free desert. Traci would waddle in, see the sign, look at me and see that my body was hiding Danielle's body and I'll stand and invite him to come sit and eat dessert and talk to Danielle. Traci may get a little bit nervous. He'll probably be really emotional. Danielle will try to hold it together. I will ask them both to sit there and talk about how they feel. I will leave and go about my own stuff.

At that time as well, her ex, Austin will come into my life as well. Or he'll be coming into my life. He'll probably show up after I've gone into the hospital to get a check up on the pain in my stomach. I'll learn that it is cancer and that I'll need to decide to die or fight it with modern forms of treatment. On my way out, I'll see Austin. He'll tell me that he is going to coming for prostate cancer or something like that. I'll learn later that he and I will be doing chemo together for about 3 to 6 months together. It will be a really emotional time for me. I won't survive the treatment. He will. There will be a day when Austin doesn't show up for treatment because he'll be so sick. Danielle will come and visit on her own. She'll ask me why I'm talking to her Ex. She'll know all that things that Traci and I went thru to get to the point in our life now. She'll ask me if me talking to Austin will even help him change. I will tell her that a single grain of rice can tip the balance, so me talking to him will tip the balance and help save him. I will also be so ill and feeling sick, that my spiritual abilities will be enhanced. I see more clearly when I'm sick. I feel the spirit more fully when I'm sick.

Danielle will ask me if she should marry Traci. She'll have a lot of opposition against her to marry him. His kids will not really like it, his in-laws will not like it, some of his other family will find it weird. Not only will she have resistance with his family, but she'll always feel pain that she messed up all those years ago. Being the wife to Traci, will always be second rate for her. I will tell her that she should marry him. The reason is because she'll finally find the happiness that she has always been looking for. I will tell her to just love him. He'll need her, especially when I'm gone. She'll look at me and say, you'll fight this and win. You're so young and pretty, you'll win this. I will look into her eyes and say, I want you to love him.

I'll be crying a lot in the end of my life. My little nieces and nephews won't be so little anymore. But I will always be so happy to see them because I had made a life with them when they were younger and tried to make time with them as they grew up. Now, they'll want me to be around too.

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Traci asked the Lord if all that we talked about was true. The Lord said that all that I have shared with you is true. This is what will happen when it is time for Danielle and Trevor to date again. ... I am never wrong. All the things that I shared with Trevor, his bedtime stories were also truth, but they were flashes in time IF Danielle had chosen to come back in Aug 2015 or June 2016.

Traci also said that he'll be spending a lot of time in the Temple, since the girls he is attracted to are all converts. He said he'll be a Temple President and spend a lot of time there. He also said that when J comes back, that it will be time when Orchid 7 comes to me. or on the cusp of when he comes to me.

Traci also noticed that when he did temple names of J, that he really felt a kinship to them. He was told in prayer that those names are his names too. They are family to him. They see family in a very different way than we do. They see Trevor as family already.

You know it is interesting that Traci has come to know that he and Danielle were supposed to marry and save each other. But because they both ignored the promptings of God, that plan has taken a huge detour. His blessings will still come true, he'll just have to wait longer. He's been so faithful and true during this whole time. He's a wonderful person, with small flaws that are being tempered into something so much more!

... I feel so loved and taken care of. I feel so blessed that Traci is my Best Friend Cousin. I love him as if he was my little brothdr. He's so so cute and I just love him. He is really like a puppy. Traci needs to be petted 3 times a day. If he doesn't, then he get's lonely and then he'll get sick and then he'll get pooped out and then he'll die! He is like my little girl Sniffles. She is sensitive. Traci is too. He is a wonderful soul. I am so lucky that he is my BFC!

.... ^ I said all of that in my little animal/baby voice. LOL....

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As I recount this conversation with you Delysia, Traci has asked me to recount this and keep it safe. His family or future wife cannot know this. It would get in the way. Though, I have been crying to get this written to you. I feel the Spirit when I write these words to you. I hope that you can feel them, while you read these words.

I need to be better. I need repentance and the Spirit all the time. I always feel the Spirit when I speak to the Orchids. They don't always feel it when they speak to me, but I do when I speak to them.

I also learned that I am bound to the Orchids for a certain amount of time. I feel that my chain to Traci is gone. Though, I don't want to let him go. I want him to always been in my life. I feel like my time chained to Cory will end next year in April when he graduates from the MBA program. Once he is done with school, I am unchained. I have a time limit and so do they.

... Having a purpose in life is really nice.

I love you Delysia. You're lovely.

The Puppy pt. 4

Dear Delysia,

I've shared with you how I met Traci, via my posts marked as The Puppy, part 2, and part 3. We started our relationship with having him get his blessings that he received. He was told that he would have another opportunity to date Danielle again. God gave him that promise and I just confirmed it. In Aug of 2015, Traci was really impressed that she would come then and by June 2016. I went to Cali in Aug with Cory Beth to visit and to share with Danielle about how I had become best friends with Traci.

I went and met up with Danielle. I stayed with her and her boyfriend. We met at the temple and I confessed to her that Trevor and I had been talking since May. I also shared with her about what I had decided to live as a nun and how Trevor had helped me get back to the Temple because he talked about it all the time. I cried a lot and she cried as well. She told me about what had happened when her and Trevor broke up. She asked me why I told her that she shouldn't break up with him because, "He'd be really good for both of us." She said that when she went to on a date with Austin, he was really pushy, and seductive. She slept with him on the third date. She told me that God didn't protect her. She said, that she had served in the Temple the day before she slept with Austin. We cried a lot and shared a lot of what was on our mind. I know Danielle was really hurt that I had become really good friend with her Ex. Though, she didn't really express it that much. She was happy that Trevor had someone to help him through his loss. There was a moment where she was soft and willing to feel the spirit and then her pride came back. We hugged each other on the steps of the Temple of Santa Monica and I left to spend the rest of my time with Trevor and Cory Beth.

The whole time that I was with Traci, Cory Beth and 80, I was completely distracted. I knew that J needed to make up her mind to leave Austin, but the likelihood of her doing it was slim. As I lay on Traci's spare bed and watched him interact with 80, he was so happy. He was so attentive to her and her needs. He then would look my way and see that I was distracted and he'd come over to my side and whisper in my ear while we all watched T.V. That is when I learned that Traci has no sense of personal space. His hair and his nose was touching my face as he spoke into my ear. I thought it was a little weird, but realized that it was just his thing, so I let it go. We spoke about my fears and concerns. What was really concerning me was if he could face the drama of J coming back after he's found so much comfort and love with 80 coming into his life. The thing that hurt me the most was, as much as I could feel the confirmation that J could/would come back and want to date Traci, what I could see was that she was likely not to make the choice, even though, she could have. I couldn't tell Traci that either.

Then the next time, Traci felt like Danielle would come back in June. I felt it really powerfully, the confirmation that she would come back. Traci would see his sign on his way home or to Lake Powell. She didn't come. Traci and I were really emotional on the 30th. He was more together than I was. He felt peace and calm about it. He had pretty much killed most of his feelings towards her. He did receive a feeling that God's promises are sure and true. He was told that J would come back a couple of times. He thought that he might end up with 80 and her health would fail her and J would come back then, much later in life. He also thought that she might come by when he's just about to get married or when he was married right after.

It is interesting. Traci was told by the Lord that He was pleased that Traci has resisted the temptation to complain and murmur about this. His logical side would say that the Lord has lied, but his heart would tell him that He didn't lie.

I am so impressed and very proud of Traci. He is strong. He is stronger than me, but he doesn't know it yet. I feel like I'm fading, but he has held strong. :*)

I need to be better and be more faithful and consistent as he is.

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The Day I was Born

Dear Delysia,

Today was the day I was born! Hurrah!! Happy Birthday to me! I have still been feeling sick. I didn't go to work today, so I could just feel my oats and enjoy the day while I still could.

Delysia, I am really sorry for being so sad and depressing all the time. I think that I am too much of a debbie downer. I am trying really hard to be up beat and positive. I don't want you to think that I'm not able to feel happiness. I am working on training my eyes to see the good and not the bad.

Today, I laid in bed and talked to my mama, my sister and Traci. Mama told me that she loved me and asked me about Cory Beth. I told her more about his life situation and his tendencies to date monster women. She was a little concerned, but was relieved to know that he is in a better place in life. She then asked when he was going to get married. I told her that I didn't know, but that he's getting to a place where he could get married and be a good husband. She laughed and expressed hope that Cory Beth will find a good companion. She also expressed that I would find a companion as well. She didn't want me to turn into her brother, Uncle Lafe. She said that Lafe gets really jealous when us kids come around and he regrets not being willing to make a marriage and family work.
I chuckled about this idea with my mom. She doesn't realize that I am not like her brother. I am far more willing to be of service than he ever has been in his life. Though, I feel like sometimes, she has a point. I don't want to be old and bitter like Lafe.

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I have decided that birthdays don't really mean anything. I think as you get older, all human beings yearn for the deep interconnection of one soul to the other. I was not feeling well, so I called into work to get more rest.

I reached out to a friend of mine, Stephen and said that we should go get lunch. A friend of ours invited herself to our lunch as well. I wasn't really too keen on this, though I imagine that Stephen has grown tired of my real thoughts. It's funny, Stephen is a very articulate and thoughtful guy. I enjoy his perspective a lot. He's wonderful. I love him I have shared that with him. He has freely expressed that with me too. Though, it is hard to relate with one another on some basic levels. He is somewhat jaded by a relationship where he was once in love. The other friend that came, swooped in and took his attention from me. She was supposed to be the chaperone. I ended up turning into the chaperone. I was really mad about this. I truthfully, just wanted to feel like it was just him and I in the world. I just wanted to connect with him and not have other distractions. Though, how could I stand in the way of those two. The chemistry was undeniable. I sat there for about 35 mins and listened to those two drone on about camping, relationships, love, love interests and the chemistry boiling over. I finally had enough and interjected in the conversation. I asked Becky when the next time she could hang out with Stephen again. She gave me a sharp look as if to say, I can't believe you asked me out for Stephen. I gave her the look back of, Yes, I just called you out on your behavior. Ugh, I am still really upset about that whole situation. I feel robbed from a moment that I wanted with Stephen.... I suppose it was for the best. No, I don't have a crush on him. I just wanted to feel special. Yet again, my story comes to a halt and theirs continues on. Mine always ends.

Then I went to work. I spoke with Traci for quite a bit of the day. He's too good to me. I feel so ungrateful and so undeserving of his friendship. He's a blessing to me and yet, I don't always believe that he's real. He was so sweet to me. I was falling a part for a moment and he asked what he could do. So I asked him to give me a bed time story. Traci is so good at stories! So he wrote me for about an hour about a story that he fabricated. I felt so wonderful! I could imagine all the characters. The story was interactive and wonderful. I usually ask to hear about Prince Guinea Pig. Trevor is kind enough to work with my demands.

Boo Boo Kitty was sort of upset that she didn't know about my birthday and came over to work and gave me a creme brule and pineapple jelly bellies! She brought them to work and we chatted. She is too good to me too. She said that birthdays are her thing and she wanted to plan a big thing. I don't want big things. I just want to spend time with people and enjoy their company... and feel special for a moment. I adore BBK so much. She has been such a good friend to me... and cousin. She is so willing to go out of her way to be supportive and loving. I feel like her kindness almost that of Traci?!... I am so blessed to have both in my life right now!

I spoke with mama. She was happy that I was born. She hoped that I could find someone to love and marry as I worry about Traci and Cory Beth finding someone to love and marry. I should find the courage to tell her about my pineapple ways. Mama did crack jokes about Sniffles though. She said that Sniffles belly was swinging back and forth and it tipped her over. Because of her belly, she is tired and is sleeping. hahahahaha
Mama is soo funny. I told mama that she shouldn't say those things so loud. Sniffles is sensitive and will binge eat her feelings. Mom responded in a whisper, 'She's a fatty.' HAHAHAHAHAHa... I love my mom.

I got a really funny voicemail from Alexis, calling me a slut because she wasn't with me having fun. LOL... she's great! Cory Beth texted me. 10% of my Facebook friends sent me messages. I received a lot of calls and texts from various people.