Thanksgiving Letter

Cherry Beth,

I'm not really sure what to share with you. All that I've wanted to share, I've shared. I've really had to think hard on what I should share with you.

I don't really like holidays. Holidays are a struggle. A majority of my family members die during this time. On my mission, my cousin who I grew up with killed himself, my aunts, sister, uncle, grandpa, grandma have died. Mom's dad died during this time. That was an ugly situation. We didn't go to his funeral. My mom's sister and brother went, but we didn't. Mom went to the temple that day. I would have gone if mama would have agreed. But I didn't go. I would have been the only representative on her and I would have had a hard time remaining cool and collected. We stayed home and the rest of my mothers' family cried heretic towards mother. She wouldn't speak to anyone that day, so they spoke to me. Seeing my sister pass from a brain tumor during the Christmas season was hard. She died a couple of days before she turned 8. 

I think the other thing I think during these times are, what am I going to do for the next 18 yrs? Mama won't be around forever. My siblings have lives of their own, with babies of their own. I have decided that I would just do what my mission president told me to do: love the unloved, forgotten, unnoticed and abandoned. So I decided to go to the homeless shelter. I did spend time with my Aunt from my father's side of the family. Though, I didn't grow up with them, so they don't know me well. And I am much older than her kids. Her oldest is 24 or 25 and her youngest is 8. I'm old for her family! LOL. 

The more that I think about things, the more I think I'm OK. The reality of being alone will never really change, I will always feel that way. I suppose I just get better at distracting myself from that reality. I was really happy Traci had time to spend with me. When he left, I was really depressed. We spent way too much time chatting till 1 am on Friday and Saturday night. I may have pushed myself too much, because I'm feeling stretched thin today. But it was just nice to be around him. I was in a foul mood on Sunday. Then when I thought about it, I get like that when my siblings or mama come and visit me and then they leave. I don't like it when they leave. I feel safe, I feel taken care of, I feel loved. So... I tried really hard not to feel that way. I felt better when I spoke to Traci when he was driving home. I stayed up too late with him while he drove. I didn't get off the phone till 1 am. Yet, I didn't sleep very well either. Talking to him, just made my mind race with all his questions and concerns about life. I really like counseling with him. His opinions about life are so different than mine, yet when I learn more and more about him, I think he and I are really not that much different. We just respond to the same stimulates very differently. It makes me feel like I can understand him and he can understand me. I like that. 

It is sort of funny, I have noticed that I've been drawn to men who are very similar to Traci. They are usually these artsy, brilliant, somewhat shy dudes that are just real, down to earth and a little bit shy. It is sort of weird. I've noticed that about my behavior with some of these dudes in my ward. There are a handful of them that remind me of Traci and so I want to be around them. I mean, they aren't him, but they are very similar. I do that with women. I am drawn to women who have a strong sense of spirituality and fortitude like mom. Then there are friends that I'm friends with because we can relate to certain things. Boo Boo was making fun of me that Jules and I don't really tease each other. The reason for that is because Jules and I have known what abuse is. So teasing isn't what we do. We understand each other in a way that is interesting. We bond thru our pain and we balance each other out. She's so manly and I'm a lady boy. It's works nicely. Boo Boo I tease because she's like my sister who hasn't be touched by abuse, so she's been unspoiled by the harsh realities as Jules and I have been in. Boo Boo is a deep thinker and just a girly girl... so naturally we click! LOL... 

I really enjoyed watching you and Traci interact with each other. I love it when you're yourself. Just a goofy little boy doing goofy things and having a good time. Traci is the same way. I love that about you two. Watching you two jab at each other was like watching little brothers fuss with each other because they want the other to pay attention to him. It was so cute. You two are so adorable with each other. I can tell you two really care for one another. I felt like I was with my siblings, when they hassle each other for attention. You've changed a lot. You're opinions about life have changed. It seems like you're moving in a direction that you've never really traveled before. 

When I was talking to Traci yesterday, we were talking about what I could see with you and what I could see with him and I was just overcome with the knowledge that you, Traci and I are in the place we need to be to be the best people. That brought me a lot of peace. I wish that you had more time to spend with Traci on your own with him. Traci loves you. He thinks the world of you. When I say objections about you, he always comes back to the truth that he wants you to be blessed as much as he has been blessed. He has so many fond memories and experiences of and with you. I am really lucky that I know you two so well. When I see you both behave in ways that I think are beneath yourselves, it frustrates me because I know it is beneath you. Yet, to the common onlooker, they would think nothing of it. You are a wonderful person. I find myself so lucky that I know you as well as I do. I have learned so much from you. You surprise me a lot too, in good ways. I will be really sad when you leave Provo for good. 

I am really excited for my family Christmas Party. I am really happy for all the souls that I've come in contact with. There is a guy that I work with at Vivint Solar that reminds me of you. He is a bro, pretty, young and impressionable. He also has a very kind heart, and is shy. He has been struggling with whether or not if he wanted to go on a mission. I've been trying to reach out to him and be friends to encourage him to want to go on a mission. I've pushed him a little bit to talk to me and really think about what he believed and what he doesn't. He got his patriarchal blessing and has decided to go on a mission. Today he told me! I used to have to throw myself at him. He comes to me a little bit now, on his own, just to see how I'm doing. Granted, he's 19 yrs, but he'll do a lot of good, if he'll not be so scared. He thinks too much of things that don't matter, yet he's changing a lot. It brings me a lot of comfort to see him progress. I don't think that I'll see him ever again, once he leave for his mission. He may not ever remember the talks that we had about the gospel, but it's nice to see people just feel like they are safe. I hope I've been a blessing to him. I probably don't know until the day of judgement. 

I think that is all... I suppose, while I was listening to this one dude in Sacrament, he did a great job at speaking about being authentically yourself and how to help others come back to church. It was a great message, yet the whole time I was thinking, "Why don't you come to church enough to help the rest of us feel and learn from your strength?" This dudes doesn't come to church all that often because he has a rebellious soul and he's too smart for his own good. Yet it seems wasted on things that don't matter. He said that it's easy to leave the church if you do these things: drink/do drugs, stop praying, stop reading the scriptures, stop going to church and look at porn. He said that in a month, you'll lose your testimony and want to leave the church. He also said that answering wavering members questions about why they wish to leave doesn't help so much as just being their friend and loving them. He shared with us a really sensitive story about how he was wayward and then realized that he was wrong the whole time and needed to change. I almost think that I should reach out to him. Yet scares me a bit. He reminds me of a man on my mission that hurt me. So, I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'm ready to reach out to him. 

Then in EQ, the teacher posed a question on how we can be like Alma and Amulek. He asked how we can recognize the potential of Amuleks in our lives. The two dudes that answered, didn't even answer the question. The one that pissed me off, was when the EQ presidency member said that even if we don't know how to look upon others and see their potential, the Savior knows what that is like. And I raised my hand and said that it's not hard to see others potential if we'd just go and talk to others, ask them questions about themselves and make them believe that we're interested in that because we really are. Once we do that, we can see the divine nature of others. I also said that it doesn't matter if we know that we're Amulek, we all know we can do better. What matters more is if we can look upon a fellow Amulek and help him become an Alma the way that others have helped us become Alma's. I have such disgust in my heart for the EQ presidency. They have very little love for anyone but themselves and their own. That drives me insane. It isn't enough for us to have just a wife/husband and kids. The priesthood only blesses the wife and kids directly. You need a community to make it back. Who blesses the Husband? Not the wife or kids. We need each other to make it back and it bothers me that so many of us are so distracted by the here and now and not the greater picture...

The teacher though of EQ is wonderful. He is one that reminds me of Traci. He is a wonderful teacher and very insightful. He read a quote from the book,'Mans search for Meaning'. The quote said that only thru loving another individual can you truly see them for who they are. Loving another person is the way that a soul can see another soul for who they are and for who they have always have been. I know that to be true. Charity, the pure love of Christ opens the flood gates of heaven. It is super hard, but once the gates are open, it is really hard to close them.

... I just had deja vu.... hmmmmmm....

... That is all Cherry Beth. You're great. Thank you for your kindness and patience with me.

Eden

Dear Delysia,

This week has been really hard and yet really good. The hard part has been listening to Traci whine and moan about his broken heart for a woman that he's obsessed with. Being a social worker, listening is a thing that I like to think that I'm good at. Yet, I hate listen to him talk about a woman that I loathe. I don't have an issue with listening to him hurt over someone he cares for, but when it's about a woman that I HATE, I have a low tolerance to listen to it. It takes so much energy for me to listen to his roller coaster ride of emotions. Even when he gets really angry or passionate, it really scares me. I don't do well with men yelling and screaming and being mad. I don't do well with that.

Sometimes, I often wonder if Traci cares for me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I do care for him, yet I almost feel like an interim to the real thing. I also sometimes think that there are moments where he's too nice to me. He's really become a lot nicer in general, but I sometimes think that that isn't good. It makes me sometimes pine after that behavior for my own. It awakens my thirst and I don't like that very much. I am happy that he is kind to me and makes me feel cared for, but it's probably best that I always keep some distance. I am lucky that I don't have that issue with Cory Beth. I don't really feel after Cory Beth. He tries hard, but I just don't feel cared for. He reaches out to me, and tries, I just don't always feel that it is real. I did a couple of times. Yet, but I think a lot of it with Cory Beth is that I know him. I know what Cory Beth is about and friendship with a pineapple isn't his thing. I also don't think that he feels like he needs me, so I don't really know what to do with him. I mean, I feel like if Cory Beth doesn't want to counsel with me or tell me about his life choices and issues, I don't see anything. Plus it doesn't really help that my love for him has faded. I like him, but I've chosen to return to him what he has given me: casual connection with minimal effort. I am very grateful that he reaches out to me. I almost feel like he does it because he feels like it's a check list and not so much that he cares about me. I'm a lot of work and effort, and that is a huge deterrent to most people. I appreciate his effort. It's not enough for me. Yet, I don't know if it's right for me to wish that he could do more.

My mission President told me that the relationships that work, are the ones when they don't worry about who gives what. The ones that fail are the ones where one partner is expecting equality in effort. He told me that that attitude is what kills marriage. No marriage is ever equal for very many moments. But that is true in all friendships as well. I suppose I need to learn to be happy and to accept the effort that is made, even when it's not even close to what you've given. What matters is that you care for them and they care for you. You just love them and don't judge them. I like that point of view. I just think that there is too many things going against Cory Beth. He doesn't really do well with long distant relationships, he doesn't really want friendship, he is looking for himself and his goals that revolve around him. Though, truthfully, that is what our culture tells us. Do these things so that you can be happy. Obtain this, go get that, you're incomplete without these things. Having a family, dating is selfish. I mean, the church is set up in a way where you go to church for 3 hours. Only 1 hour are you together with your family. The other 2 hours, you're separated. You're asked to mingle with others and you have to trust others to take care of their loved ones as much as you are trusted to take care of theirs. Serving in the church and being able to be like God is all about being unselfish. The first two commandments are the hardest, yet very doable: Love God and Love others as yourself. When you can love others as much as yourself or your wife/husband/kids, you've learned charity. But that is hard to want to care for others as much as you care for yourself. To be selfish is human, to love others is divine.

The hard thing too this week has been my feeling of being uninterested in the life that I have. I am trying to be a blessing. I feel really good about that. My gifts are wonderful. I have been really blessed. The most gifts that I have are really amazing. Yet, the cost has made it so I am alone. I can guide, help, support and be a shoulder to cry on. But they are just shadows of what I want. I want to feel loved. Yet, on the other hand, I have decided to not want to have marriage at anytime. So I suppose, I need to pull myself together. I have no right to complain about wanting to be loved. I need to let this go. I need to let go of my hard feelings.

I feel very blah. I hope that soon, I won't ever really care for relationships with people, knowing fully that they are temporary. Nothing lasts in this life, but our ability to learn and develop relationships. In the time being, I will be alone. I feel better distracting myself with other problems. Having brunches with people that I know who want to feel included, checking up on others who just had family that past, listening to the broken-hearted. I suppose it will be better once I die.

I asked Traci to go to the temple as ask the Lord what I should be doing. He came back and told me that I should tend and take care of the garden and be happy. I don't have to leave the garden, I can stay and tend and cultivate the souls in my life. Plants are beautiful. Watching things grow and flowering is wonderful. Maybe, it's better to be the legendary cultivator of plants. Being able to watch plants and animals grow are probably a good thing. I want something better, and should cling to that idea. Ugh... being a blessing to others has a price. You wonder if you're actually amazing. No one notices. The ones that are blessed slip away into eternity, only to remember that small moment, if you're lucky. Oh well, tomorrow I can do what I want to do, rest and be well.

I don't cry anymore when I speak of my life situation. It's just, this is how it is, so move forward.

Thanks for listening to me Delysia! I love you.

PS.

On a side note, there is a guy that reminds me of Cory Beth that has been really kind to me. As much as he can be given that he's 19. He's been willing to share his balloons with me. Though, I've fought me a little bit, but he's been willing to let me have/share his balloons. Maybe I'm learning a lesser lesson from a reflection of Cory Beth. Maybe it will workout or not.

A Hero

Dear Delysia,


As I have learned and have watched and listened to you... I believe you harbor this ideology of being a Hero.

And I think, that is true.

So if that is true, then this is what I think of Hero's... I think the true secret in being a hero lies in knowing the order of things. The swinehart cannot already be wed to a princess when he embarks on his adventures, nor can the boy knock on the witch's door when she is already away on vacation. The wicked uncle cannot be found out and foiled before he does something wicked. Things must happen when it is time for them to happen. Quests may not simply be abandoned; prophecies may not be left to rot like unpicked fruit; people may go rescued for a very long time, but not forever. The happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story. 

Trevor, revelation is like seeing pictures of the story. The reason you aren't allowed to see much of the rest of your story is because it sometimes keeps you from moving forward, page 65 doesn't make sense, when you're on page 10. Why would He give you a glimpse of page 65? To give you hope, because whether the scene in 65 stays there or not doesn't matter. The scene will come!

You are a hero. You have always been one and will forever remain one.

I told you once before, a mans character is often his destiny. Live up to that truth!  There is greatness in you.

 

What I am saying is, The hero knows and understand that there is order in his story. To be the hero, he must know that hardship must come. He must be spurned to move forward, by love. It is always by love, for all other causes are of duty, not love.

Moments with Cherry Beth

Dear Delysia,

Here is the conversation that I had with Cory Beth. It really makes me happy and yet sad. I never know where I am at with him. It has been such a roller coaster ride for me to try and understand and want to. He is so different than me, and I wish that I could connect with him. Yet, I am at peace with not connecting with him. I'm not sure that he'll be a friend that I want in the future. I could be wrong, but I'm not sure. I sort of don't really care either. However I am very happy that what he shared with me, was the nicest thing he has ever told me. I sometimes wish he was always that way. I suppose I haven't learned to accept things as they are. But his kindness made me happy.

Cory Beth: Josh here's what comes to my mind regarding what the bishop told you. We're here in life to learn, grow, and become like God. There are so many lessons we need to learn and so many talents we're supposed to develop. Most people have aspirations, goals, or at least desires to develop these talents. People want to develop skills to make them great people. People in your ward - and all around you - wish they had the talents you have. Wayyyyyyyy more than you realize, people admire what you have and would love to have it for themselves. Talents like your insanely incredible ability to interact with people, or your talent to see truth at such a deep level and understand the world as you do, or your ability to act for and be yourself even if it isn't the norm. You have already developed so far and achieved much of what we're supposed to in this life - and even the life to come.

This tells me 1- you were an amazing soul in the pre-earth life. You were extraordinarily valiant and developed at a rate greater than most. This is apparent in your earthly abilities. perhaps you developing further than most gives you the opportunity to have trials that most could not handle. Which leads to blessings far far greater than most when you prove faithful. I believe you that you will be compensated with greater blessings than a normal marriage in the hereafter.

2. So I forgot what my number 2 was. If I had the intelligence you had, I would have remembered it 

3. You can be incredibly grateful for the amount that you have developed. You are what so many people wish they were.

Me: Really?.... I don't see that.... 

I mean, I have a lot be grateful for.I told my mom of what the Bishop told me and how he really complimented me. She said that a guy at the wedding, had spoke with Rosie. He said to Rosie that he was very impressed with the sons of my family. He said that the boys didn't seem to have rivalry or hurt feelings with one another.And he also said that he noticed the the boys seemed to care and love each other. He was very impressed with the tender affection that Baby Phat, me and Jacob pooh showed to each other... He said that he was very impressed with our attitude in helping out.That made me happy, because that reflection is of my mother, not of Rosie. Rosie doesn't help. He is very selfish.

So, I was really happy that mama told me that. Mama taught us kids to really be helpers and supports to each other. I am happy that strangers notice. It just is a manifestation that mama was a good parent. For she has always entertained the idea that she wasn't one.I just felt peace and happiness for mama. We were a great reflection of her teachings. Even on Sunday, I was really feeling troubled, annoyed and uninterested in being social.Yet, I was just really surrounded by the spirit. It was like the warm fuzzies were so thick that I could float in the air.

Then, Traci told me yesterday, that when he is around other people, he feels very cynical and has a lot doubts in his mind with what is going on in his life.But then he said, that he noticed that when he talks to me, and prays, that he feels at peace and feels calm about what he's been told and given by me and by revelation. That made me feel good inside. It means that Traci and I are on the right path. And even though he may not recognize the spirit when he speaks with me, he has recognized the way he feels and how clear he can see when we counsel with one another.

That makes me happy.

Relationships

Dear Delysia,

The thing that I look at and learn from relationships; friendship and other relationships can have emotional costs as well as rewards. The people that are around me seem to be damaged in a way that even my gifts can't simply fix. But knowing them and caring for them comes the feeling of sorrow, empathy and the nature of regret.

It is interesting, children are like immortal creatures in their own way. Immortal as in Tolkiens Elves or Unicorns... For a time, a child lives in their own world upon which other people, helpful or not, impede and intrude and expand and draw them out of that world. J.M. Barrie wrote, "It is only the gay and innocent and heartless that can fly," he captured the essence of childhood as a self-contained kingdom where the whims and wants and needs of others hold no dominion. It is state rather untroubled existence in the forests and imagination of the mind. It is very similar to that of the state of Adam and Eve. Once they left the garden and spent all their time in this dying world, entangled in the obligations and the feelings and desires of others, the more of their 'innocence' and heartlessness are worn away. And once they have truly learned of their mortal state, I imagine they are haunted at times of the memories where they lived a peaceful, uncomplicated emptiness. It almost seems like the phrase: It is better for us to pass thru sorrow that we may know the good from the evil, could be translated to something like this: To live a mortal experience, it is gradual, sometimes painful as we move away from the safety of a more isolated existence and toward empathy and socialization and obligations to others... Growing up.

It's a process that begins but doesn't end in childhood, as the world and the people we meet change us in a million unexpected ways, for better or worse. I like that it's possible to move past pain and fear, but not to pretend that they don't exist. It's almost saying to us all that if we're willing to sacrifice the comfortable, insulated boundaries of our own solitude, it will be worth it.

This is a hope of mine. I hope you like it too. 

The Puppy Whines

Dear Delysia,

The past 3 weeks, Traci has been unbearable with his whining about his life situation. We had a little bit of a fight. We got over that, but it has been really hard for me to listen to you him about his yearning to date and marry a girl that I hate.

Yes, she broke up with him and he wants her back. He like to date mean girls. He likes these broken women because they need him. The irony is, he needs women to complete himself just as much as these broken girls need him, because he'll endure their cruelty.

It is hard for me to listen to him want to marry a girl that is nothing compared to his prowess. Though, it isn't my decision nor is it my life. I let it go, I just hate having to listen to him cry about how much he misses her. A part of me wants to just shake him and say, get over it! She left you. Move on! She doesn't want you! Find someone who does want you!

But anytime that I say anything negative about her, he gets really defensive about her. I hate that too. So, I think it is good that I have come to terms that I will be single forever and always and that I don't want to be wanting for another to complete me. I am complete without another.

However, despite Traci's thirsty tendencies, I really enjoy his thoughts and counsel. He has a very unique point of view about things in life.

He told me that he received revelation that 80 will come back to him. If or When she comes back, I am going to dip out. I hate that woman. I am happy though, that he's been very kind to me and very thoughtful of me. I feel loved by him. He's been very tender to me. He's an adorable puppy! giggles...

Thoughts for the past week

Dear Delysia,

The past couple of days have been a roller coaster ride. I know, I know, that seems to always be the case. It would appear that I have a flair for the dramatic! giggles...

On Sunday, I had learned a lot of different things. A speaker spoke of a story of a king who built a road to connect his kingdom from one side to the other. So the King built the road. Once the road was finished, he invited his whole kingdom to travel the road. He told his subjects that he wanted them to travel the road and who ever traveled the road the best, would receive a reward. So all the Kingdom gathered together and started to travel from one side of the Kingdom to the other. As the King awaited for the report of the subjects to the road, they came pouring in at different times. Almost every traveler came and reported to the King. They all mentioned that there was a pile of rubble that needed to be removed, it made the travel on the road very difficult. At the end of the day, he saw an older man approach him to report his travels on the road. The King asked him why he took so long to return from his travels. All the other subjects had returned at mid-day. The man replied, 'Your majesty. I have come at this late hour because their was a pile of rubble on the road. So I stopped to remove the pile. I felt like others traveling behind me would have an easier time to travel if I removed it so I did. I also found this chest of gold underneath the rubble. I have come to return it to you, oh King. It does not belong to me, perhaps the chest of gold belongs to you or another?"

The King replied, "You have traveled the road the best way. The chest of gold is for you."

I started crying in church. I felt like that is my life right now. Nothing really has changed in my life. In fact, things have gotten worse, in terms of the temporal things. Though, the thing that has changed is me. I also believe that I have been given a greater portion of the Spirit of God.

I also have come to the conclusion that I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want an eternal companion. I have been asked to live a life without one. In the next life, I don't want an eternal companion. I told that to Traci and he thought that was interesting. The Holy Ghost doesn't have a body and therefore, by the rules that we know, shouldn't be considered to be a God. Yet, He is. So that would mean that there is probably a chance where if I do what I am supposed to do in this life, I will be able to choose if I want a companion or not. I have decided that I don't want one.

The reason this has come to my mind is because I have had a couple of thoughts that have come to me about my future. I have thought a lot about why I have to live a life alone. I imagined myself as a beacon of light, a guide if you will. I imagine that I have this lantern that is filled with light that is radiant and bright. The light comes from the lantern, but the light also come from me as well. I am dressed in these elaborate robes, walking in the moors, swamps and marshes illuminating the path that I walk and helping the plants, animals and downtrodden things to find hope, to feel loved, to feel encouragement to grow, to move forward, to help them get unstuck from the mire. It is meant for me to be alone. It would appear that if I was with another, the light would be diminished. The wastelands paths are wide enough only for one traveler. There is no room for a side by side companion. These plants and animals are strengthened, loved and doused with hope that they can rise out of the mire, they can grow above the mists. While they drink freely of the concentrated light, they will grow, they will be changed forever, if they allow it. And as the seasons change, so too, I must go. There is no permanency with those that I meet. The hard thing is that I'm asked to walk in the moors and mires, in the dark and mist. Yet, while I leave the plants and animals that I help, they grow, they escape, they become stronger. In my wake, there are luscious, vast gardens that have grown, that reach the skies, the destroy the mud and muck and create places of life and refuge.  I don't ever see the forests that grow, because the mists are always in the way. My light only dispels so much mist. All I see are the swamps. As I travel and help and save others, my light grows brighter. As the light grows brighter, so does my ability to help and save others.

I think of Lady Galadriel in the Lord of the Rings series, where she appears out of nowhere to lift Frodo up from falling down in the lands of Mordor. That is what I'm doing, traveling the abandoned places to seek out the ones who are lost, afraid, hurt and have lost hope. It is a dangerous place because the journey is a slow journey in the moors. But once I'm out, there are no more areas for the plants, animals and pure spirits to be ensnared. To be a treasure is to be alone. And because this seems to be my purpose, I choose not to have a companion in the next life. There is not another soul that is as great as I am. The equals that I meet, will be at different stages of their development. Our potential will be the same, but the output won't be the same. I am beginning to believe that there are no equals for me in this life and if there is, we shall never cross paths. If that is all true, then I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to remain a treasure. I want to remain alone and remain radiant and lovely.

Now how does that work with the gospel? Well, the Holy Ghost doesn't have a body and He is considered a God. Yet, He doesn't have a body. If that is the case, then I would believe that it is safe to assume that He may not be sealed to another. So, I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to remain and stay separate from the others.

I told this to Cory Beth and he said that I was wrong because exaltation requires to be married. I don't agree because the Holy Ghost doesn't have a body and the ordinances have to be done here on this earth, where there are bodies. And since His glory doesn't have a body, that would mean to me, that He had the chance to choose. I want that chose as well. Traci thinks that is very interesting.

Cory Beth is very ridged in his thinking. He is a slow learner in the ideals of spiritual things. Traci isn't so much.

Anyway, that is how I have felt and have come to a conclusion to.

Thanks for listening to me Delysia. I miss you a lot. Halloween was so hard for me because you are gone. I was really sad. But you're still in my heart. I love you!