The Puppy Pt. 2

I had the puppy visit me today. He was really busy, but he came over and I was happy that he came by.

He told me once that he'd destroy the tower that I had built. At that moment, I didn't really believe him, but today, it has come true.

My journey with him has been a hard one. As discussed in the part 1 version, he scared me. I was scared because he embodied everything that I didn't like in puppies. He was adorable, capable, had the ability to seduce with the look of innocence. He was handsome, charming, knew just what to say, do and be for the a particular moment in time.

I am happy to say that I'm over that now. I like to think of myself as more of a diamond more than animal. If I were to think of myself as an animal, it would be some mythological creature: a unicorn.

I digress. The puppy came over, with an attitude to be kind and helpful. I asked  him to come over because I was afraid. I was feeling the loss of strength to go on. I realized that fear is a huge detriment to my progress in life. I am a defensive person. He was kind enough to be distracted by my dodge, distraction and evasiveness. He wasn't easily distracted, as he usually is. I appreciated that for a moment. I believed that he actually cared for me. He set his own tendencies down to listen to what I had to say. He was quite inquisitive about how I was feeling and thinking.

He told me that I like to resist far too much than I should. I don't want to do the things that I need to do to be a better person. I would rather be a martyr than have to work out my own salvation; if you will. He told me that I don't look at the good around me, but it's easy for me to see the good around other people. He said that I don't want to work for the goodness as others have to work for, because my foresight doesn't really work in my life. I can see the good in others lives, but it's not so clear for mine. He encouraged me to at least look forward and become what I need to be.

I had promised that I would give all that I had to help the puppy in his quest to be a better person. We have a lot in common. The most significant thing we have in common, is we know what is to be lonely. The problem that I freely gave him all the diamonds that I didn't mind giving out. There was one last diamond that I didn't want to give him, Trust. I didn't want to give that one to him. I made up a whole bunch of things and ideas to help justify the idea that he didn't really need all the diamonds that I gave him. It was his willingness to be kind to me, when I could see that he was genuinely concerned for my well being that I gave him my last diamond. When I did, I felt free. I wasn't afraid of him anymore.

He gave me a blessing and then off he went. Before he left, I realized that I had made a best friend! He knows all of who I am and still cares for me. He told me he'd always revered the time we shared. He said that I've helped him in such a way, that he'll always have me as a pinnacle moment in his life. I feel the same way too. He was the first person that I feared and gave him my all. He gave me a hug, told me he loved me and went home.

I love him too.

I feel wonderful... I am happy, and will remember this moment for all time. I have this icy hot feeling in my heart and back... it is wonderful. I feel love and peace.

This song is the best song that I can find that best depicts my feelings towards what happened. He spoke to me like this song... stern, but with love. I believe it. :)

The Water Well

To most people
I am a well
They throw in their buckets to draw water,
only to find the well too deep,
the water too heavy to drag to the surface.

To you
I am a fountain.
Th waters in me rise to meet you, overflowing;
It's a magic that astonishes even me.

- Jade Ellen Weinheimer

(dis)enchantment

stories are hallucinations
drugs to numb the pain
fantasy and reality dance together
in heartbreaking patterns

fairy tails are
a safe way to say hard things
playground for pain and same and beauty
reorganized truth

I am a dreamer
addicted to stories
but I'm still not sure if 'true love'
is more than just an illusion


-Jade Ellen Weinheimer

The Dead don't Die, they Look on and Help

When looking into the future, or as I like to refer to it as ‘seeing’, the future is very muddled. There are only a few things that are ever so clear. Major pillars of engagement are the only things that are consistent. Anything else in ones’ future, is very fluid. Choices change the course of the life of a person. It is the small and simple things of daily routine that shape that future more fully. Cross roads always come to every individual. Major cross roads will always change the course of the journey. I know that this is a very hard concept to understand. I think of this gift is easily compared to the character Agatha from the movie, The Minority Report. Things just come to me when I meet people. I never really tell people about what I see because most people don’t believe it. Very few people that I’ve met, have ever really believed it and if they did, it didn’t really make a difference all that much in their life. They listened for a moment and then forget. The ‘future’ that I see with people is always based on who they are at that moment. That future is shaped by the tendencies of their behavior. When I do encounter people who do believe in my gift, I generally am not wrong on what would happen, unless they choose to behave a different way. I always suggest that they consider the idea of doing things in a particular way to gain the most benefit of their actions. The price is usually high. But often, I never get that way with people. They don’t ever really believe. They think of it as really good advice, or rational, not as something of a miracle. I like to give it a name: Discernment.

My gift is 3 fold:

1: I can see people as they really are

2: I can almost always see how people feel/think at that moment

3: I can see a glimpse of what could happen in their future based on their current situation.

The first tier, can happen with any contact. I can see that with a picture. I don’t have to meet them to see them as they are. I only need to see a current picture. When I meet them, I just ask them certain questions and depending on their answers, I have a better understanding of why they are that way. I don’t always see why they behave/think the way they do.

Tier two: I can only do this when I am speaking to someone. It isn’t always a clear answer. Sometimes this comes and sometimes it doesn’t.

Tier three: This happens often. This just comes to me… it’s hard to explain… I just see things… they just come. But as I said, they aren’t set in stone. The future is fluid, choices change the flow of where you could end up. Pillar moments of importance don’t ever change. How they get there does, but the pillar moment doesn’t.

Dreaming

I am not sure that I ever explained that I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like to feel unprotected from the view of others. At heart, I'm a defensive person. All that I do is to defend, deflect, dodge and swerve. At times, I will allow people to see me as I am.

I met a puppy who came scampering on by my path of life. This puppy was extremely charming, mild mannered, adorable and dangerous. He came to me injured and in need of help and healing. I offered my help and assistance.

I was afraid. I was afraid that I saw in him the same as I had once before with Fishy. I am still afraid... I see him saving me from myself.

I don't want him to do that for me... he doesn't see, he doesn't see...

The irony of all of this is, my life's' sketch is truly that of the book, The Last Unicorn. My life is currently that of the scene listed above. Mommy Fortuna is my evil self, the Unicorn is my true self and Smendrick, the Magician is that of the Puppy.

I will help him too... this scene is an example of how I would.

He doesn't fully understand this now, because I've told him he will save me, but he's not ready to truly know how it will be. This video is a good depiction of the end of my largest lesson, and assistance of my life... if I let him.

Unicorns are virtually immortal, unattached--things that humans are not.  Her quest turned her into a human in more ways than physically--which needed to happen. She wanted to run away with Prince Lir because she loved him, and Lir loved the Lady Amalthea as well, but knew it was his because he had become a hero for her, and that because he was a hero that he couldn't leave the unicorns to be prisoners of the Red Bull.  After she is turned back and chased onto the beach, he pleads with Schmendrick to do something, and is reminded that saving unicorns is a duty for heroes.  And so Lir ran out for the one he loved, sacrificing his own life to try and protect her.  It is her loss of Lir, her love for the fallen prince that drives the unicorn to fight back against the Red Bull.  It is that drive that sends the bull into the ocean and frees the other unicorns.  Afterwards, Lir wants to just run off, to follow after the unicorn to be with her in some aspect for the rest of his days because he can't bear to be without her, and it is Schmendrick that reminds him that he has duties to his people and his land, that he is now king and must repair what damage his father had wrought.

Her mission was more important than her love desire. She was willing to sacrifice beautiful creatures who were important to the world all because she changed when becoming human. She is a unicorn. Something far more special than a mere human. A human becoming a Unicorn is one thing but a Unicorn desiring to be human is wrong. She may have learned the value of humanity but she is far more beautiful purposed as a unicorn. She can't be human because she is a unicorn. Ruining that would be horrible. And she didn't care

Judgement

Dear Self,

Today was a good and bad day. This morning, I woke up willing and ready to pay tithing because I wanted to. I didn't have any apprehension, I was excited. I was excited because it was the first time that I didn't have any doubt as to what I was doing or why I was doing it. I fully expect to receive blessings; what they may be, I don't care. I am just happy I did it.

The bad about today, was being questioned on my integrity. I was called in today and questioned as to why I dress they way that I do. There is no rule as to what to wear when we worship. I wore my best. I was late, but I made it. The leadership asked to see me and we chatted for a good hour about his frustration as to why I came in half-way through the first meeting, walked all the way to the front and wearing the clothes that I was wearing. He accused me of wanting attention and that I was a prideful individual that was playing with my membership and devotion to God.

He asked me why I was wearing the clothes I was.
- I was wearing my best.

He asked me if I had clothes that everyone else was wearing.
- Yes, I do

He asked me, why I didn't wear the clothes that all the other boys were wearing.
- I didn't want to. I was wearing my best.

He asked me why I wear the clothes that I do, truly. What was the reason.
- I wear the clothes that I do because it keeps people away. They are afraid of me, and are afraid of what they think I am and who they think I am. So, my clothes keeps most people away.

... He didn't believe that. He explained that he felt that I was wearing these types of clothes because I wanted attention. I disrupted the meeting. I should have sat in the back or not have entered the meeting at all. He was very mad at me. He had mentioned that I was playing him as a fool for his request of me to 'wear a white shirt and tie'. I explained that I have always wore a white shirt and tie as he requested. He responded by saying that 'I knew what he meant'. He then on and explained that I was no better than I was last year when we had discussed this issued. The last time we spoke, he had explained that people had complained that my dress was inappropriate, distracting and over-the-top. I had told him that my intention to come to church was to worship, what I wore was my best and if people were distracted or uncomfortable, that was not my fault. His rebuttal was that I needed to conform and give people an opportunity to be kind and good. I told him that people who aren't distracted by things that don't matter, are people that I'm happy to be kind to. My dress keeps those who are distracted by things that don't matter away. He then told me that I was in need of serious humility and that he was frustrated that I turned down a calling, that I was wearing distracting attire. He also brought up that my comments in class have been crude and attention getting. People had complained that some of the things that I said were inappropriate and rattled some people. That incident happened a month or two ago, he said.

I then told him that I was moving and would be out of his jurisdiction. I said that I would wear what everyone else does. He said he wasn't sure if he had made himself clear. I told him he had been more than clear as to what he wanted. He was uncomfortable and mad. I made him uncomfortable. He then said, that I should do it for the right intentions. I had explained that I was trying to have my intentions in all that I do be pure. I told him that I paid my tithing with 100% pure intentions. I was helping a person who embodied everything that I hate, because I was asked to help.

I told him that I had a slap in the face with a blessing that I had received...it basically told me to get it together or get left behind. I was trying really hard to make changes. I am consigned to pay the price that needs to happen. At this point I was crying a bit.

He responded by saying that he was sorry that he wasn't there to assist in that. He apologized for speaking to me in a harsh tone and that he would be available to talk if I cared to. I thanked him for the invitation and left.

********************************************************************************

I was pissed! I AM STILL MAD! HOW DARE HE! He is supposed to embody empathy, kindness and grace. I only came to him because the laws of the church require me to go to him. He is the leadership. Why I never reached out to him for assistance? I met his son. Children are a reflection of their parents. His son was a MONSTER! His son certainly didn't learn his pious, judgmental indignation from him mother. I've met her. His son learned that attitude from his DAD!

I feel like he's singling me out... and holding a grudge against me. I'm a reminder of things that make him feel uncomfortable... sick to his stomach. He doesn't like talking, looking at me... or that is what I feel from him. He is a monster. In this moment, he was. 

This man, I am so happy to be relieved from his jurisdiction. I am happy that I behaved and responded in a non-emotional manner towards his horrendous advances against my integrity. He and many others are the reason I would much prefer keep them away. They care only about everyone being conformed... everyone has to be the same or you're deemed as defective, diseased and a vector for eradication.

Apart of me wants to never go back. I only have two more times to attend his congregation. I am aware that I have pride, who doesn't? I am aware that my clothing can be distracting, but I don't wear my clothes to gain attention. It is to keep people away. The community that I live in are more concerned about the dogma than individuals.

...
...
...
...

This moment was a test. I'm not sure exactly how to respond really. I don't want to wear clothes like everyone else... but my intention also is to help me feel better than everyone. Humility is correct.

...
...
...

I shall go again, and be just like everyone else...

The Puppy pt 1

I wanted to share with you couple of things that have come to my mind and I need to write them down:

I wanted to share with you, my journey with the Puppy, the new Fishy.

We truly met about May 13, 2015 on a day that I was going to meet a friend that is bad for me. It was really sort of a weird thing. I had heard that a dear friend of mine had broken up with him and prior to speaking with him, I had met her new boyfriend. I was really sad that she had broken up with him prior to meeting her new boyfriend. When I first met the Puppy, he wasn’t all that excited to meet more nor was he all that enthused to speak to me. But what I saw in him was goodness. I saw the goodness and wonder that he was. I also saw that he wasn’t all into the relationship with my dear friend, the Blossom.

As time went on, Blossom told me that she and the Puppy had broken up. It is funny, because I always referred to him as our boyfriend, only because I live vicariously through my friends IF they let me. She explained to me that they fell out of love. I jokingly cried to her and said, “ But he would be so good for us.”

A couple of weeks went by, and by that point, I saw the Blossom visit me with her new boyfriend. Her new boyfriend was almost just as wonderful as the puppy, but very charismatic and pretended very well. I shall refer to him as the Weed. The weed was charming and quick. He was also very dangerous. To be honest, both the Puppy and he Weed were dangerous people. Dangerous in the sense that they were good at sizing up situations and owning the situations at hand. The casualties’ didn’t always matter, as long as they benefited from the engagement.

I had told the Blossom of my personal thorn in my side, and she had told the Weed about it. My initial contact with the Weed was him asking me about my personal thorn. He was proposing that I meet other people that he knew of in my town of residence to associate with, with my similar inclination. I was very put off by that. At the moment, I didn’t know that the Blossom had told him about my thorn, so I assumed that he was extremely presumptuous about who he thought I was. He took us both to Leatherby’s. He continued to asked me very personal and incriminating questions about who he thought I was and who he thought that I should be. We had some Ice Cream, we spoke about my recent diagnosis with Melanoma and then off we went back.

What bothered me was, I knew she was hiding something from me. I also knew that the Weed was used to being in control of a situation. He was perplexed by how he couldn’t get defensive responses from me. I was a calm breeze of fresh air. He was finally comfortable with me once I told him what I saw in him. He didn’t feel a need to attack and change the focus on me, but it was rather about being kind and ourselves. I enjoyed his company. It wasn’t until he was comfortable, that I felt like the words he spoke were genuine.

I learned on the next visit that the Weed and the Blossom were doing things that they shouldn’t have. She had given up her covenants to feel happy and accomplished. The Blossom had been married before. The marriage was happy at first, but then, because of the choices her husband made, he fell out of love with her. The Blossom tried her hardest to make it work. It was desperate attempt to make a plant grow that has no more will to live. She had a really hard time recovering from it. It took her about a year to feel somewhat functional again. She found the strength to date and be vulnerable. She was unhappy with the situations that she was in with the dating pool in Vegas so, she moved back to California. That is where she met the Puppy.

I was sad to hear that the Blossom had got rid of the Puppy. He had a lot of goodness inside. Untapped, but nonetheless, goodness. I reached out to him on Facebook and wrote, “Dear Puppy, You’re great… the end.”

He responded by liking the comment. The second time that I met up with the Weed and Blossom, I had realized that the Weed was hurt and wounded, but didn’t want to do anything about it. They way he self-medicated, in my opinion, was by taking the goodness from others… sort of like a weed takes all the nutrients away from other plants.  I had wrote on Facebook this: In my limited experience, there is nothing more dangerous than a boy/girl with charm. Several hours later, the Puppy had liked my post, which he had never had any inclination to do so. I was nobody to him. Then he reached out about the whole situation with the Blossom and him.

I was torn really. I was torn with the idea that I liked the Puppy. Sure, he was charismatic, funny, charming and very forward in his speech, but I couldn’t get over that he broke my friends heart. He did. A good chunk of the reason why she was with the Weed was because of his neglect for her. She practically threw herself at him and all he could do was just absorb it and ignore her effort because he was too into another girl that didn’t want him! He was also everything that I hated in a guy, above all he was careless and selfish and got what he wanted all the time. The puppy too, was an extremely dangerous individual.

*Now, this part will not really make sense to the normal reader:

As we began to talk via Facebook Messenger, the thought had occurred to me that I needed to help the Puppy with his request to change. The original request was he wanted the Blossom back, but she didn’t want anything to do with him. I had told him that all the help that I could provide him wouldn’t really matter, it was still her choice to make if she wanted him back or not.  He had told me that he wanted my guidance and help. What he really wanted was my gift of foresight to leverage himself against the Weed. He believed that I have that because of the things I told him about himself, that I could have never have known. I told him a lot of things about who he really was. During those moments, I see people for who they really are at that moment. I am able to look past their façades and truly see their true selves. What I saw with the Puppy was a man that could do wonderful things, he would be able to influence a lot of people in a way that most couldn’t in the trying times ahead. He was inclined to love freely as a puppy would. He would save a lot souls because of that love, Charity that could radiate towards others. What I also saw were his many flaws. The flaws scared me.

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

I cannot put into words how much of a wonderful person I see you to be. As I look back and review all the wonder that I have shared with you, I can't truly thank you for the goodness and light you have given me. 

The miracle that I see that you've given me was you loved me for me. I grew to love you talking to you over the phone, those late nights. I loved how you listened to my concerns that seemed so silly and petty, yet you always took the time to listen. I loved that our friendship blossomed over the phone and text messages. Who knew that you could develop a relationship so strong over just sharing our opinions without physical interactions. In fact, I don't think we've spent more than 12 hours in each others physical presence, yet I feel that I know you so well.

I love your kindness. I love your tender feelings. I love everything about you.

I know you'll find a man that is worthy of all the beauty and grace that is deserved of you. I know you'll always be loved and regarded as a wonder by those who see who you really are. I know you will find the love you've always wanted. I know that you shall always find the strength to accomplish all that must be accomplished that you may help all those before you.

May you always have the strength to endure the ugly that will come you, for your betterment and refinement. May you always remember your worth and value. May you always be comforted when you feel alone and lost. May you always see the truth of all things and people. May you never be deceived by those who would do you harm. May you always remember that when you called upon God for help, that he always came to you. But above all else, may you never forget that I could not have made it without your kindness.

May the moment come that when you read this, your heart will feel the depth of my regard and love for you. I will always be there to care and love you for I know who you really are.

Love Always, your dear Friend,

Joshua