Judgement

Dear Self,

Today was a good and bad day. This morning, I woke up willing and ready to pay tithing because I wanted to. I didn't have any apprehension, I was excited. I was excited because it was the first time that I didn't have any doubt as to what I was doing or why I was doing it. I fully expect to receive blessings; what they may be, I don't care. I am just happy I did it.

The bad about today, was being questioned on my integrity. I was called in today and questioned as to why I dress they way that I do. There is no rule as to what to wear when we worship. I wore my best. I was late, but I made it. The leadership asked to see me and we chatted for a good hour about his frustration as to why I came in half-way through the first meeting, walked all the way to the front and wearing the clothes that I was wearing. He accused me of wanting attention and that I was a prideful individual that was playing with my membership and devotion to God.

He asked me why I was wearing the clothes I was.
- I was wearing my best.

He asked me if I had clothes that everyone else was wearing.
- Yes, I do

He asked me, why I didn't wear the clothes that all the other boys were wearing.
- I didn't want to. I was wearing my best.

He asked me why I wear the clothes that I do, truly. What was the reason.
- I wear the clothes that I do because it keeps people away. They are afraid of me, and are afraid of what they think I am and who they think I am. So, my clothes keeps most people away.

... He didn't believe that. He explained that he felt that I was wearing these types of clothes because I wanted attention. I disrupted the meeting. I should have sat in the back or not have entered the meeting at all. He was very mad at me. He had mentioned that I was playing him as a fool for his request of me to 'wear a white shirt and tie'. I explained that I have always wore a white shirt and tie as he requested. He responded by saying that 'I knew what he meant'. He then on and explained that I was no better than I was last year when we had discussed this issued. The last time we spoke, he had explained that people had complained that my dress was inappropriate, distracting and over-the-top. I had told him that my intention to come to church was to worship, what I wore was my best and if people were distracted or uncomfortable, that was not my fault. His rebuttal was that I needed to conform and give people an opportunity to be kind and good. I told him that people who aren't distracted by things that don't matter, are people that I'm happy to be kind to. My dress keeps those who are distracted by things that don't matter away. He then told me that I was in need of serious humility and that he was frustrated that I turned down a calling, that I was wearing distracting attire. He also brought up that my comments in class have been crude and attention getting. People had complained that some of the things that I said were inappropriate and rattled some people. That incident happened a month or two ago, he said.

I then told him that I was moving and would be out of his jurisdiction. I said that I would wear what everyone else does. He said he wasn't sure if he had made himself clear. I told him he had been more than clear as to what he wanted. He was uncomfortable and mad. I made him uncomfortable. He then said, that I should do it for the right intentions. I had explained that I was trying to have my intentions in all that I do be pure. I told him that I paid my tithing with 100% pure intentions. I was helping a person who embodied everything that I hate, because I was asked to help.

I told him that I had a slap in the face with a blessing that I had received...it basically told me to get it together or get left behind. I was trying really hard to make changes. I am consigned to pay the price that needs to happen. At this point I was crying a bit.

He responded by saying that he was sorry that he wasn't there to assist in that. He apologized for speaking to me in a harsh tone and that he would be available to talk if I cared to. I thanked him for the invitation and left.

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I was pissed! I AM STILL MAD! HOW DARE HE! He is supposed to embody empathy, kindness and grace. I only came to him because the laws of the church require me to go to him. He is the leadership. Why I never reached out to him for assistance? I met his son. Children are a reflection of their parents. His son was a MONSTER! His son certainly didn't learn his pious, judgmental indignation from him mother. I've met her. His son learned that attitude from his DAD!

I feel like he's singling me out... and holding a grudge against me. I'm a reminder of things that make him feel uncomfortable... sick to his stomach. He doesn't like talking, looking at me... or that is what I feel from him. He is a monster. In this moment, he was. 

This man, I am so happy to be relieved from his jurisdiction. I am happy that I behaved and responded in a non-emotional manner towards his horrendous advances against my integrity. He and many others are the reason I would much prefer keep them away. They care only about everyone being conformed... everyone has to be the same or you're deemed as defective, diseased and a vector for eradication.

Apart of me wants to never go back. I only have two more times to attend his congregation. I am aware that I have pride, who doesn't? I am aware that my clothing can be distracting, but I don't wear my clothes to gain attention. It is to keep people away. The community that I live in are more concerned about the dogma than individuals.

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This moment was a test. I'm not sure exactly how to respond really. I don't want to wear clothes like everyone else... but my intention also is to help me feel better than everyone. Humility is correct.

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I shall go again, and be just like everyone else...