Something big is coming...

I am pretty happy with looking at my blog and see that there are at least 11 posts in the year of 2014. HURRAH! I accomplished one of my New Year Goals for this year. This post is my twelfth to finish off the year with a BANG!

This year has been quite the journey for me: Spiritually, Mentally, Physically... The journey has it's ups and downs. I suppose the most of what I've discovered and have tired to remedy is the feeling of inadequacies of  the lack of intimacy in my personal life.

Intimacy is more than just physical interaction with another... in my mind it's the bond of thought and emotion to the core of our being. I find that I'm far too guarded to allow any of that to happen. A part of me is consigned to belief I don't deserve it, a part believes that I need it or die a slow, aching death. It's funny... the very thing I'm afraid of seems to be the only remedy. Quaint how life always allows for the weaknesses and small things in life be the anchors to the soul. It drives me CRAZY!

What really gets me is deep down I don't feel I deserve/worthy of love. Yet it is Love that I'm afraid of and pine after! I freely give my time, talents and abilities to others that they may feel a piece of my love, yet I don't allow for the love to be expressed back to me...at least not fully.

So what have I been doing to fix this?

1: There is a co-worker that sort of took a liking to me. He told me the reason he likes to talk to me is because he believes that I'm a good person inside. He told me that he knows that no matter how sassy I am, inside I'm a 'gentle soul'. I admit that I gave him plenty of sass and continue to do so, but I've warmed up to his stereotypical persona. I've grown to like him and not be distracted by the things I don't like about him. He calls me Joshy... and I call him Tota. LOL... He's a good man. He sometimes asks for hugs and freely sneaks in for one. As you know, hugs are not my thing, but it's nice sometimes to feel appreciated or needed for affirmation. We banter back and forth. He can keep up. LOL...

2: I'm trying to put myself out there for dating. I loathe the idea of dating...relying on someone else. I'm the oldest child. I just have these unrealistic expectations of myself and find entertaining the idea of having another person to rely on is outrageous! I generally go on 1-2 dates a year. This year I went on 6. Yes, I know, 6 isn't all that much, but it's a start right?!

3: I met a really wonderful friend named Rebecca. She has helped me overcome this negative self-talk and look forward to and make progress to a better me. She is a couple steps ahead of me in this pursuit of feeling unworthy of love. She is helping realize that once I'm ready to love myself, I can put out there that others can love me too.

4: I'm trying to be more compassionate and loving to people and ideas that I have no general interest in. I find that understanding and a listening ear for understanding than response is so much needed. Taking the time to learn the points of view of others is far more important to me than judging the facts of what is what. After all, I think that healing is far more important than asking for justice.

*****************************************************************************

I miss things that I used to have and opportunities that passed me by. I just want for this year to have the eyes to see the opportunities and to take advantage of them. Above all, I want to be prepared to meet God.

 It is Faith that will keep me on the path to overcome. Perhaps it's this year that things can be resolved. I'm a firm believer that change can take place in a timely manner.

I suppose now the cross road is: What do I want to change and how can I change it?.....

You and I (Part 2)

I have come to the conclusion that I'm not in a position to love or be loved by another human being that is not apart of my family...

I don't trust other people with my feelings... I don't trust them with my heart... I don't trust them to handle me with care...

As I have grown up, my limited experience in life of 30 years, I've known a lot of hardship. Perhaps that hardship is relative to a child in Syria, but no more real. My family seems to be plague with abuse. We either find people whom with love and care for who treat us with such behavior or we are the perpetrator. For me, I found a friend who I thought I could be myself, share who I was, allow him to love me as I am. He betrayed me and threw all my wrong doings and mistakes in my face while I was trying to have a moment of closeness.

Betrayal didn't hurt as much as I thought it would have. The heart dies a slow and painful death. It is like a withering tree, it first sheds it's flowers, leaves and then soon there is nothing left inside but a husk of an empty shell. I'm afraid I'm so used to that feeling that I don't notice the withering.

My best friend betrayed me. I have nothing from him but lessons of heart ache and pain. Though, I put in my all, love from me wasn't enough for him to realize that. I loved him. I loved him with all my heart as a sibling. Now that I've come to terms with his abusive nature, I cannot allow him to trample on me any longer. I allowed him to trample on me, but no longer. I think the hard part about all of this, is that I must walk away and pretend that there is nothing left. It seems that the only way to remove yourself from an abusive situation is to leave and never look back.

I have deleted his numbers and pictures of the things that we've done together, but yet have deleted his Facebook...

I know, I'm a stupid bitch...

             ... I don't want to start again with another person...
                                     ... I just want to believe that I can find someone else who will care for me and love me as I have strived to love them...

     ... But there is no such thing as charmings or princesses... not even evil is born, it is created...

My solace seems to be that I have my family and have the realization that I'm an amazing person with all I have to offer.


One day, everything will be made right. One day, all the efforts to find the good in all situations will pay off and that I will enjoy this journey of being a better me.

Until time heals my wounds, I will listen to the idea that one day I will find this someone as Betty speaks of.

:)

You and I (Part 1)

Today is the eve of my best friend moving to a different state. He received a promotion for his job and is packing up and moving to Idaho. He got a good raise, a stipend for a brand new car and a new chapter in his life to start fresh and new...I'm sickened by it.

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that he is getting an awesome opportunity to move on in his life, more pay and a new adventure, I am just really sad to see him go...

Perhaps what's rolling across your mind is: Why is this so difficult? I could write a novel about my friendship only because I've fought so hard to make it succeed and grow into what it is now. I'm not sure exactly how to describe to you how our friendship makes me feel, but I'll try to help you understand:

He is the first guy that approached me in the attempt to be my friend. Now some might not think anything of this gesture, but trust me when I say this is like seeing pigs fly. For me, that doesn't just happen. I first remember seeing him on campus of college in the library. Then I saw him at his job at the local Chinese restaurant. I was there with a group of close friends. We were enjoying some good food and company. As we to the cashier to pay our tickets, he was the one who was the host taking care of that. He asked us what we were doing and was happy to see us come. He had mentioned that I had a loud and funny laugh. We asked him what his nationality was, mainly because Asians usually work at Asian stores. He was half Japanese and American. We said our pleasantries and left. About a week later, I was in the library doing homework in the computer lab and he approached me. I was really shocked by that. Usually guys don't reach out to me to be friendly. So we chatted for a bit, I asked him if he ever hung out with some of the Asian friends that I was acquainted with... things of no real consequence. Then we exchanged numbers and hung out.

Our friendship hasn't always been easy. Actually, of all my friendships, our has been the most tumultuous of all of mine. I don't really know how to be friends with guys... I interact with them the way I would with girls, but it doesn't work very well that way. They always take my kindness and courtesy as flirting and as sexual advances. But he was patient and understanding of my many limitations with him. Though, there were times when we fought and our friendship was done. The funny thing about that is, when we were no longer friends, I had the hardest time with it. He and I did everything together. Then all of a sudden I didn't have a besty to hang with was quite the shock. I didn't know it at the time, he had a hard time as well.

Five years have past since we became friends. I've had my up and downs with him. We've shared disagreements and good times together. He has always tried really hard to be a good friend  to me, the best way he knew how. You know, it's funny that I say that and some people who know him and I would think that he wasn't a very good friend at all. The truth of it is, he and I both didn't start out being friends for the best of reasons. I pitied him for being socially awkward and he saw me as a means of status and excitement. So I see that both of us were users for our own vain ambitions. Time has changed my thoughts about our friendship now. I see him as a great man, he is devoted and passionate to the things he puts his mind to and would make a great husband and father to his future wife and kids. I see him being successful and loyal to all his deems worthy. He's really quite the guy that I believe Hollywood makes love stories about. He's flawed, but his moral compass always leads him to do what is right for himself and others. If we were all so lucky to have a friend like that in our lives.

Dark and Dank

I just recently finished being with my family at our annual reunion. I had so much fun doing projects and also doing nothing. The scream of babies, the squeals of little girls and the laughter of parents and siblings alike as we just enjoyed the company of each other.

Happiness and a sense of belonging is really all that we all yearn for and want in this life. It is the simple joys of family and time that bring this all to pass in my mind. I really didn't accomplish much except bond with my family and my little girl sniffles and that was enough. As I drove home from my families home, I was drawn to the feelings and people that I was leaving. I missed them. I missed my mom's kind voice of love and compassion. I missed my sisters' teasing and I missed my brothers trying to fix and make things work. I missed my little brother not being there because of where and what he is doing for his beliefs.

It wasn't until the end that I realized that there was a serpent in paradise. My brother is driving his wife and kids away because he refuses to believe that he has a problem.

To his defense, he wasn't really shown any other way to treat his family but with mean actions, negative words and anger. He and my step-dad are very similar to that, and they got along the most. Though the real underlying of his personality traits seem to have been implanted by our father. Those those traits flowered into being by the cruelty of our step-dad.

Though, my sister and myself aren't really like that so much. Though, we did not escape the poison of our step-father, I like to think that we clung to the good traits of our mother. Mother was always very encouraging, fair, kind and endearing. She was always patience and supportive. Mr. Step was the very opposite. To Mr. Step, he didn't know better either... he was treated the same.

As I have tried to wrap my head around the vicious cycle of abuse. That is what it is: abuse. I see why it is difficult to cut it out of the life of our families. We aren't taught any better. I find myself being very negative and looking at the bad side of things just like Mr. Step and have a hard time getting over it because that is all that he ever did, was being negative. But it is my goal to not allow that ugly about him to be engrained in me.

I feel for my siblings. As the oldest child, I feel somewhat responsible for their welfare and well being. Though, as they are married with families of their own, I know my influence is limited, I wish that they would always be happy by avoiding as much heartache in this life by observing the mistakes of others and not repeating those mistakes.

It's ironic really, my family seems to not be able to get away from that horrible monster of abuse. We either are attracted to people that have those traits or we are the perpetrator... My mom married an abuser knowing full well that he would one day hit her, but she married him anyway because she loved him. My sister in law married my brother fully knowing he was a turd, but because she loved him, she married him... after 2 years of dating. My sister married a man who was raised by a man who treated woman as inferior, spoken words and actions were very demeaning. Consequently, her husband doesn't have the skills to handle stress or handle a woman who is just as strong as a man in word and deed and belittles them. I just got rid of a friend who treated me like shit, even though he claimed to love me. I put in most of the effort and he betrayed me by throwing all my weaknesses in my face on the pretense of being for my good.... we all have been plagued by this monster.

Now that half of the battle is over, what am I to do? I'm afraid my other siblings don't see this situation as well as I do, they weren't put in situations where they needed to be very self-aware. We are all to blame for the poor choices we have made and to some degree, we knew better. But I am determined to believe that we are strong enough and good enough to overcome this monster that seems to have plague our family for generations. The solution to me seems to be able to recognize my own faults and fix them.

I am no stranger to cruelty. I have my own set of weapons that I use to defend myself. Though as I've grown older and have strived to be as wonderful of a person as my mom has tried to be, they are of no use. You cannot burn fire with fire. You must douse the flames yourself by choice or douse the flames with your tears, either way, fire does not destroy fire, they merely burn each other out... leaving nothing but ash. I have determined to treat everyone with kindness and love...even those I do not like. But I will also protect myself. I will not allow abusive people to come to me or my family if I can help it. I am a firm believer that love is far more powerful than water. Water will douse the flame, but love will suffocate the flames of it fuel.

As the oldest brother, I must treat them with love. I know they can change and find the strength to eliminate this monster in their lives IF they choose to. But even more, I must eliminate it from my life as well.

I believe that if we want love, kindness and a sense of belonging, we must first be those things in order to have them, otherwise they cannot survive in an environment that those things cannot live in.

Another Year

My birthday was yesterday. My how the time flies by. As I grow older, the more I feel that life just races by. It's as if the time of my life's' adventure blurs the vision of where I've been, and lights up the way to my future.

Some of the the accomplishments that I've had in the past 10 years are these: Went to college and graduated, served a 2 year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, learned to love, moved to Vegas and survived, made some incredible connections in the Federal Government/Fashion/Law fields of work, traveled to New Zealand and Hawa'ii.

I'm happy that my life has introduced me to many wonderful things. I think the best think that I've accomplished in my life so far is being able to meet wonderful people in my walk of life and to be able to keep those relationships a live after the many years of not being in the same proximity as they are.

I am grateful for what I've been given and received.

La dee dah

It has been a long time since I've written. Though writing a post has been on my mind as of late. Eleven days ago I turned 30. I know right, 30?! I've come to a cross roads in my life because of it. I'm sure most people would say that I'm ten years ahead of my time to have a mid-life crisis. I assure you that perhaps given my upbringing and life history, 3o is a little late.

I look back on the things that I have accomplished in the past ten years and wonder, What have I done with my life? Life is so short it seems so trivial and yet as I look at the list of things that I am proud of, I am saddened that I haven't accomplished more. Some of the things that I have accomplished are these:

1. Served a 2 year religious mission
2. Received a college Education
3. Traveled outside of the United States
4. Lived outside of my home state of Utah for over a year, by myself
5. Lost my VL status to a total stranger 
6. Had a brush with what 'Love' is
7. Rekindled lost friendships
8. Became more self-aware
9. Drank an alcoholic beverage
10. Made up a holiday that I celebrate every year, for 4 years. Happy Panda Day, June 26th is the name of the holiday.
11. Became an uncle of three nieces, two nephews.
12. Became an adopted son of a Japanese, Greek, Cambodian, Taiwanese, American and Chilean families.

A part of me wishes that I could put a couple of things down that many of my peers and family have already accomplished that seems beyond my grasp. Married the love of my life and being a proud parent of X kids. Those two missing things just rack me at the bone. I look back and wish I could change things. I wish I could be a different person sometimes. A person that could be everything that I'm not right now.

The good things bring me happiness. I'm a person of memories and vivid pictures of emotion cascade across my mind when I look back and see all the wonderful things that have happened. I often forget those times. I'm glad I had taken pictures of those good times to help me remember. It's funny that pictures can do both for you; bring happiness or sadness no matter the scene of the picture.

I look now and think, what is there left now for me, a barren man without a family of my own or a wife? I have looked and pondered on what I could do. Dating seems to be an impossible task that irritates me. I don't know what I'm doing, I get scared/overconfident and mess things up, I hold back, I don't trust people to handle me with care. I don't like to be vulnerable and who does?

I suppose I'm just rambling on. I get lost in nostalgia. Perhaps too often I get lost in it. I get triggered by certain arrangements of music and video. Usually music triggers all my nostalgia and sends me back to a memory locked away. Here is the most recent video/music arrangement that has sent me down memory lane...and has caused me to yearn...giggles

If we were all so lucky now. :) But I know, we will all have an opportunity to have this. I only hope I'm not too late.

We can make it IF we try

As a profession, I work for the non-profit sector. Most of my working history has revolved with working with the Federal government of the USA. Working for the government has its' perks and cons.

What I like about working in the non-profit sector is that I feel that I'm making a difference in the world. I work for the office of Head Start. It's a program designed to help low-income households to help educate them and their preschool aged kids. As I am nearing my one year mark with this program, I have some observations that I would like to share:

1: Children have a really hard time being good kids, IF they are not taught how to be good.

I'm a believer that people in general are inherently good. I believe that we are all children of God and therefore, have the capacity to reflect his infinite goodness. However, knowing that this belief isn't proven by anything but a mere belief or faith in the idea, we have to be taught to behave in a way that represents good and wholesome behavior. For example, the principles of telling the truth, not hitting, to say please and thank you, to greet people when you meet... to name a few, is not inherent. Kids are just as good at doing the opposite of what they are told and imitating the good. It is my observation that kids mimic what they see, hear and experience in the confines of their environment, mainly their home. If shouting is commonplace at home, they communicate by shouting; it is commonplace

2: The cycle of abuse and derivatives of that sort of behavior, are perpetuated by lack of family structure.

I've meet plenty of people who have had the privilege to live in Washington D.C. who have shared horrendous stories of meeting generation after generation of people in the same household that have never held a job! They have only been supported by social welfare programs. The kids have a really hard battle up hill if they wish to break out of that behavior that has been wired into them that it is ok to live off of social welfare programs. The meanings of ambition, work ethic, work or the American dream is diminished to having kids, living off off stipends provided by the government with the intention of never getting off them. There is no incentive to get out of poverty. Then again, the child would never know that they live in such depraved conditions or phased by them because the basic needs are provided for.

The same can be said for more abrasive behavior, drug abuse, domestic violence, baby-mamas/daddy's lead to the child's development of believing that that sort of living is common and ok- a standard. As the child gets older, they don't know any better than to behave and relive the same life situations of their predecessors. They haven't been taught any other way.

3. Having a stable mom and dad in the home is crucial.

Men and women are similar but have many differences. Their genetic make-up, thinking patterns, physical, emotional and hormonal development all are very different and unique to moms and dads. A mom and dad teach their kids very different things about life inside the family and outside the family. My observations have seen that the dads teach their kids how to interact with people they are not related to. Moms teach their kids how to interact with people within their family/close influences. Of course, how the dad treats mom, reflects on how male kids treat female kids and vice versus. How mom treats dad is how the female kids treat male kids.

.......................................

My heart goes out to these kids. My heart goes out to all children. As census reports more and more kids being born out of wedlock, single parent families relying more on social welfare programs, education opportunities being more exclusive, the rise of teen parents and the attack on the idea of a family of a dad and a mom is putting the rising generations at risk. These kids will soon grow to be what they have only known from our lack of self-control and selfish behavior. 

Being a parent isn't easy. No one is every truly ready to be a parent. But no one has ever truly benefited by just getting by or believing that we are never in need of a good overhaul of personal character and ethical behavior. Life is all about change and becoming a better you. But with society glorifying the acts of sexual promiscuity, liberal use of time, resources and talent for the satisfaction of an hour at most and thinking of only yourself frightens me.

My hope is that these kids will remember the love, tools and the feelings of propriety and respect that we showed them in our program. I firmly believe that feeling included, wanted and loved is the ultimate cure-all for all the major issues that face our society today. I am not a perfect person, nor am I a parent myself (My little girl sniffles is a feline), but I like to think that my efforts are making a difference. That brings me comfort.

Things I'm learning at a pinnacle part in my life.

 

Family isn’t always blood.  They’re the people in your life who appreciate having you in theirs – the ones who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways, and who not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be.  These people – your real family – are the ones who truly matter.

Here are twenty tips to help you find and foster these special relationships.

 

1.  FREE YOURSELF FROM NEGATIVE PEOPLE.

Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded.  Relationships should help you, not hurt you.  Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be.  Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it.  Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live.

2.  LET GO OF THOSE WHO ARE ALREADY GONE.

The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need.  When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave.  The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on.  We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are.  So when people walk away from you, let them go.   Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you.  It doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that their part in your story is over.

3.  GIVE PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW A FAIR CHANCE.

When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story.  Everyone hasgone through something that has changed them, and forced them to grow.  Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.  We meet no ordinary people in our lives.  If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer.  So appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work.  Trust your judgment.  Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory.  Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

4.  SHOW EVERYONE KINDNESS AND RESPECT.

Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are.  There are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected.  Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother.  People will notice your kindness.

5.  ACCEPT PEOPLE JUST THE WAY THEY ARE.

In most cases it’s impossible to change them anyway, and it’s rude to try.  So save yourself from needless stress.  Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example.

6.  ENCOURAGE OTHERS AND CHEER FOR THEM.

Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places.  So be happy for those who are making progress.  Cheer for their victories.  Be thankful for their blessings, openly.  What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.

7.  BE YOUR IMPERFECTLY PERFECT SELF.

In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self.  And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same.  Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress.  Be your imperfectly perfect self around them.  We are not perfect for everyone, we are only perfect for those select few people that really take the time to get to know us and love us for who we really are.  And to those select few, being our imperfectly perfect self is what they love about us.

8.  FORGIVE PEOPLE AND MOVE FORWARD.

Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the remedy.  It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened.  It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.  Remember, the less time you spend hating the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you.

9.  DO LITTLE THINGS EVERY DAY FOR OTHERS.

Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts.  You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people.  Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty.

10. PAY ATTENTION TO WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE.

As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones.  Remember, life is kind of like a party.  You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late.  But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess.  And most of the time, they aren’t even the ones who made the mess.  These people are your real friends in life.  They are the ones who matter most.

11. ALWAYS BE LOYAL. 

True love and real friendship aren’t about being inseparable. These relationships are about two people being true to each other even when they are separated.  When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority.  Loyalty is everything.

12. STAY IN BETTER TOUCH WITH PEOPLE WHO MATTER TO YOU.

In human relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection.  Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart.  So don’t ignore someone you care about, because lack of concern hurts more than angry words.  Stay in touch with those who matter to you.  Not because it’s convenient, but because they’re worth the extra effort.  Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.  Paying attention to these people is a priority.

13. KEEP YOUR PROMISES AND TELL THE TRUTH.

If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE.  It’s always better to tell people the truth up front.  Don’t play games with people’s heads and hearts.  Don’t tell half-truths and expect people to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies.  Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt.  Lying, cheating and screwing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts.  Never mess with someone’s feelings just because you’re unsure of yours.  Always be open and honest.

14. GIVE WHAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE.

Don’t expect what you are not willing to give.  Start practicing the golden rule.  If you want love, give love.  If you want friends, be friendly.  If you want money, provide value.  It works.  It really is this simple.

15. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.

Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.  Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication functioning.  Start communicating clearly.  Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours.  Most problems, big and small, within a family, friendship, or business relationships, start with bad communication.

16. ALLOW OTHERS TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS.

Do not judge others by your own past.  They are living a different life than you are.  What might be good for one person may not be good for another.  What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better.  Allow people to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.

17. TALK A LITTLE LESS, AND LISTEN MORE.

Less advice is often the best advice.  People don’t need lots of advice, they need a listening ear and some positive reinforcement.  What they want to know is often already somewhere inside of them.  They just need time to think, be and breathe, and continue to explore the undirected journeys that will eventually help them find their direction.

18. LEAVE PETTY ARGUMENTS ALONE.

Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.  There are many roads to what’s right.  And most of the time it just doesn’t matter that much.

19. IGNORE UNCONSTRUCTIVE, HURTFUL COMMENTARY.

No one has the right to judge you.  They might have heard your stories, but they didn’t feel what you were going through.  No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently.  So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right.  What most people think and say about you isn’t all that important.  What is important is how you feel about yourself.

20. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.

One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving others too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters?  When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there?  When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?

If that's what you need...

I'm a big fan of music. In fact, music moves my soul. It's no wonder that I gravitate to the institutions that revolve around the scientific use of sound and vibrations; it moves my soul.

Nostalgia is a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time. Music does that to me. It's as if I am wrapped in a cascade of a whirlpool water that passes in and out of the being of who I am as I listen to the beats, rhythm and keys of the chimed vibration. Each delicate pitch, grounding arpeggio and elicit tone of emotion drives my innate need to look to the past, present and future. The swirling currents sway and roll as the song dances on the futures dreams, to wisp on the imagination of wealth, fortune: cloud nine. As the melody changes key, the torrent turns harsh and heavy, as to pull me too and fro as uncontrollable thoughts of the past scratch the throbbing strings of my heart, sharp and full. Once the truth has come to a stand still that nothing can be done until the ache is quelled by time, the ache is soothed by the trickling of cold and warm spurts as the whirlpool comes to a constant flow of floating in the embrace of the present.

I miss the things I used to be able to have: a dear friend to love me without reservation or thought of anything else but the now, a companion to comfort me with the coo of their voice, an idea that the reflection I see has more than just my cocoa butter skin gleaming back. Maybe that is why nostalgia is a double edged sword. To look back is to have no control of what was and what came to be. To look to the future, the chance of sorrow and happiness is up in the air.

Perhaps, it is just best to look at the now. It is the choices that I make now that seem to sustain me with enough gumption to take one more step, just one more. After all, once the music has stopped, the cascade comes to a halt, as a summer heavens deluge. It opens her breast to cry her feelings, drenches the area and then flutters away, made anew with the prism of the beaming sun. 

This song fills me with a paradigm of sticky sorrow and carefree happiness. Joy is to appreciate them both.... I am not there yet. Time is the only one who knows when that will transpire upon my heart.

Corruption/Purity

Today I read this sentence:

"There are no un-sacred places; there are only sacred places and desecrated places." Wendell Berry.

These words seemed to just pop off the page as I read this quote. Society would have me believe that there isn't anything as desecrate right? I mean, as a Christian: having somewhat of a conservative mindset regarding moral issues, I find at times that even my standards seem to be blurred by the rampant ideals of society of, 'anything goes. Do as you like, for it is acceptable to you and forget what anyone else says'.

That mind set, I loathe. I think that society is based on what a collective whole finds acceptable and abhorrent. With a legacy of 'anything goes' destroys the building blocks of society. If the collective whole beliefs that they are no longer accountable to their actions because no one else understands their behavior and therefore cannot be punished is outrageous! If you share the out-dated thoughts of propriety and social standard of self-control you're labeled as a bigot, banished for being old fashion and ridged to others with more delicate constitutions.

BAH, I think it is ridiculous to have this mind set of 'anything goes'. It had occurred to me that standards help nurture a society of equality. That is mind blowing?! If we all play by the same rules and keep each other in check, all of us have the same chances to progress in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Now this doesn't work in all issues that seem to plague the market place of ideas in society. For example, gay marriage. One side has said that love is love, no matter where it comes from. The other side has said it is a scourge of a physical appetite. The idea of society is: majority rules. True equality will never occur while people still have choices to make according to the dictates of their own conscience. Though, having a standard of what is acceptable or not allows for liberty to give the opportunity to lobby for change, accept that society won't/will grasp to your petitions or leave and start a society of your own that allows for it. Whether or not those choices are viable, doesn't really matter as much as that the opportunity is available. The cost to make them happen will deter or drive the change.

Though, I'm not really concerned with specific problems that plague society. I'm more concerned with the idea that people don't want to be accountable to their actions; believing their is no such thing as desecrated things. To be fair, the sentence has a certain amount of background to it. One: it has  connotation to religious/spiritual things. Two: things/places can only be sacred if people believe they are and treat them as such. I would also like to think that sacred and consecrated mean the same thing; they are set aside to preform a certain function and used for that function solely. So when the specific thing is used for something else, it is desecrated. Does not 'anything goes' do that exact thing? 

On the flip side, this video clip shares what the opposite side of my thoughts could be.

Maybe with this clip in mind, if everyone embraces 'anything goes' then there is no more sacred at all, for all is desecrated. That would lead to a flip ideal- desecrated is now sacred. 

I like to think that for me, I will not allow myself to loose sight of what is important. 

Good thing I've got some holes in my sweater!

Happy S.A.D. Day for one and all! Why is it a S.A.D. day today? It's Single Awareness Day! HURRAH! Drum roll please! BAM!

Usually during this pagan holiday surrounding the idea of a winged angel armed with an arsenal of arrows that pierce the heart to fall in love with the first the eyes behold: we yearn, nay crave for the emotion of love. Though love seems to be a fickle entity indeed. Love seems to wisp in on the spring breeze, rain upon our hearts with the promise of a bountiful harvest in the fall and manage to brush our skin with faint relief only to find that it has past.

Though as flighty as young birds trying their wings, Love has the ability to endure, fortify and become an eternal fire of loyal companionship. Perhaps that is why we all ache to have the longing fulfilled in the deepest caverns of our soul. It brings new life to our vast sight as far as the eye can see, only to be blinded by the vast expanse of its enduring fragility. Irony seems to scoff at the name Valentine. Truly it should be recognized as S.A.D. For with Love abounding in your life, you steer away for the emotional monster we call sadness. Otherwise, without such warmth to frolic in the abscesses of our complexity, it is truly sad.

Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Who is to say that because you don't have a husband/wife, boy/girlfriend dictates the lack of Love? Are we not apart of families that have vested interest in our well being and happiness? Do we not have spirit inside each of us to look upon one another and see that inside we are all the same? Love has many shades of color: compassion, kindness, empathy, virtuous and loyal to name a few of it's hues. Must Love be manifest in a being of likewise frame of where it comes from? I think not.

When I begin to doubt whether or not I miss out of the very ideal of intimate exchange of physical, emotional and spiritual aptitudes, I often remember a saying:

"You reap what you sow."

'In dark and dank do they grow and lie, but Oh how they blossom' ... soon, it will be my turn to experience the depth and breadth of what others do now. 

May we all find Love and hold tight to it when it brushes by. Who knows when it will pass by again.

 

The Flood is Gone

The wedding of my sister has brought the grief and bliss to come full circle in my family. It is interesting to think that it took so long for karma to come full circle to what has been a source of mixed emotion.

I'm so happy to know that though it has taken 29 years for the ethereal circle to come full swing, it has mended all wounds. It brings hope to me that in this life, things can be made right. But mostly, I believe it has been my pride and stupidity that wouldn't allow me to let go of my grief until just now.

Perhaps because I've been conditioned or have allowed cognitive dissonance conditioning not let go of the past. To some degree I feel that if I did let go, it would betray the others who were affected, I'm strong enough to hold the burden, but it only just festered.

Time heals all things. Though I believe that perhaps, it was me who could have let go of the scales of grudges. All has been said that needs to be said. Ears have listened to what needs to be listened to. I feel now at peace.

Love truly is the only thing that can heal and make all things right. I'm grateful that I am able to have experienced it at the depth that I have. That way, I may allow it to lead me to a better place inside my heart and soul.