My Baby Sniffles

Dear Delysia,

I am so sorry that I have neglected you. I haven't done it on purpose. But I have tried really hard not to be negative and dwell on the negative. I want to be better and I think I am becoming better.

I want to share with you some things that have been hard and some things that have been great about the past month or so.

First, my little girl Sniffles, passed away on Aug 31. I couldn't bring myself to write about it. It was too painful. Sniffles meant a lot to me and had spent her whole life in my care and the care of my mom and my family. I loved her. She was my baby. My step-dad texted me that day and said that he was going to put Sniffles down because she was sick and couldn't be helped. I generally don't listen to his point of view, so I called mom. She didn't answer and so I texted her and then called her again. When I called the second time, she answered and said that she had just finished putting my baby down and that there was nothing that they could have done for her. I just bawled over the phone. I bawled and bawled while mama was explaining to me what had happened.

Mama said that Sniffles was crying and mama called to her. She was at the bottom of the stairs and called to Sniffles but Sniffles didn't respond. She just stood there at the bottom of the stairs, with her head toward the floor and not moving. So mama went down and picked her up and noticed that there was blood coming out of her mouth. So mama took her to the vet. The vet said that her kidneys had failed and that her toxic levels were too high, and there was nothing that could be done. They said that her core temperature was 94 degrees, when it should be 100 degrees! Mom said that they wrapped her in a blanket that is made to keep her warm quick. Mama said she took her and held her like a baby and there was tears in her eyes. Mama said she was in so much pain. My step-dad wanted to take her home and let her die at home. Mama said that they were not going to do that and they were going to put my baby down. So Mama held my baby while they put her down. I cried and cried and cried and cried all day that day and night.

I told people that I was having an allergy attack to hide my feelings from people and listened to my favorite song for my baby kitties: Good Company: Oliver & Company. I told Traci about it and he helped me feel better about it. Mama buried my baby in her pet cemetery on her property.

Sniffles was a bridged gap for me. Mama got Sniffles during the time when I came back from my mission and was going to school and not really going back home. It was hard for me to go home, because of the fiasco of what happened with my sister and my step-dad. So mom bought Sniffles to bring me home. It worked. I came back home to love another baby kitty. My first yellow kitty, Molly passed from kidney failure too. Sniffles is what brought me home to be around my family more. It was so hard for me to come back to the house because it wasn't a place of love and safety, it was a place of lies, deceit and betrayal. Having a innocent life, like Sniffles really helped me want to come back home and heal and feel safe and ready to be around the family more. Having her pass has hurt my heart.

When I call my mom, I always mention my baby. On Sept 5, when I called my mom again, I was happy and towards the end of the call, I was about to ask how my baby was, but she wasn't there. She was gone. It was sad. It is still sad to write about it and relive those moments. I loved her. She was mine. She is one of the few things that was mine.

I miss my baby so much. I still talk to mama, but it's not the same. Sniffles was 12 years old.

Dear Seiko

Dear Delysia,

I have a friend that I adore. She is from Japan and I went to school with her. She is a bit older than me but you wouldn't know it by the way she looks and behaves. She is a wonder and a firecracker for a woman from Japan. She speaks her mind and gets straight to the point. All of those attributes I admire. But above all the ones that are naturally appealing to me, I admire her spiritual strength the most. She has it hard or at least has gone through hard things and has remained ever splendid. She was engaged once and then the guy broke it off and then decided to marry another person. Her heart was seriously broken. I remember seeing her and her fiance and Wal-Mart while I was with Tristy. She was so happy. She found out that her ring was from Wal-Mart because that is all he could afford, being a poor college student and coming from a family of small means. Yet, I remember how happy she was and so in love with the idea of being in love and taking care of a man.

I felt impressed to send her a note after she had written this to me:

"I am doing fine. My life has been pretty crazy lately but having fun.

I am sorry to hear that you are working a lot Are you enjoying working there though? I hope so!!!

I just wanted to let you know that I have a boyfriend now. He is not Korean nor Japanese. Crazy, huh? He is from Canada and is 21 years old… Do you know how old I am??? Lol A crazy thing like this happens sometimes, right? Hahaha

Anyways I just started to date him about 10 days ago, and he is now worried that he is not feeling the spirit if this is right thing to do or not… I am not sure why he even told me that he likes me and wants to date me then… haha All things happened pretty quick so he is maybe freaking out or something? I don’t know… I like him but not sure where this relationship is going to be end. I will wait and see for a couple of months I guess.

SO, I am still in the middle of craziness kind of but I just need to trust in God and go forward. When I am kind of confused and such, I always remember you and how wise you are to give me such wonderful advice. Miss you friend! Thank you for your great example of faith and be strong in the gospel of Jesus Christ."

My response:
Seiko,

I wanted to just say, it may seem hard and frustrating to be in the situations that we're in. I mean, I think that you are in a worse situation than I am. You're in your home country, where people don't like to accept compliments or the life is so busy, that you can't enjoy the beauty of being alive.

I put your name in the temple last Saturday and I wanted to share with you this idea that I've been thinking a lot about:

I'm not sure that being married and having a family is necessary for us to make it back. I mean, I think that being a mom/dad and having a spouse is grand, yet, it seems like it doesn't necessarily have to be a thing we need to be like Christ. The gospel of the Savior mentions very little about marriage. It talks about being kind, generous, loving, virtuous, lovely, bright and strong. I think that perhaps some of us can't really become Celestial without having to really rely on the Savior. Would we be so willing to look to Christ, if we were always looking to our spouse or our children? Probably not. I feel like since we are single, it is a great time for us to really become well acquainted with God and His Son.

In my mind, to know the Heavens, to hear His Voice, to See His Hands, to have His Spirit fill our cup to overflow to a brilliant light of Celestial glory is what we all want, yet how we obtain it is different for all. I like that, because we are single, we are on a fast track to see the powers of God manifest more visibly and brightly before our face.

I admire your strength and I admire your ability to see things as they really are. I would suggest that you really reach to be able to see God, for Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see His Face! I am working on that right now, with Temple attendance, fasting, prayer and service. I believe that you'll find marriage, but I also feel you'll be able to to have both blessings in this life.

May it be that you'll never lose hope and always be sensitive the warmth of our God and His presence and that others will see it in you too... for I have, and will continue to see it in you from all the way from the USA.




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She didn't respond, but I hope she felt strength and peace because of it.