The Dawn of my Birth

Dear Delysia,

I was determined today. I was determined to be positive, grateful, thankful and happy. I didn't do that well on it. I am not really happy about it. I am disappointed with myself on it. I can't always be looking at the bad. There are good things that I am missing.

This morning, started out with me looking on FaceBook and seeing all these beautiful memories of me and Tristan. I looked through all 56 pics that I have uploaded of him in them. I was so happy in those pics. Tristan looked happy in the pictures too. It was funny, we went to Boise Idaho for a short vacation. At the end of the vacation, he bought me a Teddy Bear, Sunshine. He just pulled it out of no where. He told me that he wanted me to have it because he knew that I liked stuffed animals. I remember that I was so surprised by his generosity. Tristan wasn't a man that liked to spend money, let alone spend money on people he didn't know that well. Tristan and I didn't actually know each other that well. We just decided to take a trip for fun and meet up with friends in Boise Idaho.

I remember that on our way home, I was half asleep and he was driving. I asked if he wanted to hang out the next day. He told me that he didn't want to hang out. I asked him if he had to work. He told me that he didn't have to work till 3 pm. So I asked if he wanted to chill at noon. Then he told me this:

"Josh, I don't want to hang out with you because it will have been the 4th day in a row that I'd be hanging out with you. I would think that we'd be in a relationship."

"Oh, so when you say that you feel like you're in a relationship if you hang out with the same person for more than 4 days, do you mean friendship or boyfriend/girlfriend?"

"Boyfriend/girlfriend."

"Oh, OK."

I remember that I was silent the rest of the night. I was so confused about that response. I didn't call or text him for a week. The irony of that whole thing was, he was so sad that I didn't text or call him. He was wondering if I was mad at him. I told him that I wasn't mad, I just didn't want him to think that I was coming on to him. I wasn't, I just really enjoyed hanging out with him. He was really fun. Truth be told, it was sort of like a new thing to hang out with a dude for me. I never had guy friends. It was like trying out a new toy or pair of shoes or a new bike. I never had one before. Why I liked Tristan so much was, when I hung out with him, I never felt judged by him. I felt he wanted to hang out with me because he wanted too. I felt like he liked me for me and not because of all the girls I knew or hook ups that I had. Though, as time went on, Tristan got a lot of flak for being my friend by his roomies, his ward members and people who saw us hanging out together in the community.
Eventually, people thought that he was gay and that we were dating. Tristan had never been attacked by so many people before and decided that being my friend wasn't for him. He stopped talking to me and even accused me of trying to ruin his life by making people think that we were dating.  He once blamed me that the reason why he was single was because of me. No girl wanted him because of me.

I know, you're probably thinking, good riddance! That guy was a total dick and was super mean to you. The truth was he told me that he never felt loved or cared for by his family. He shared with me that he never really had friends or even a best friend and he just wanted to feel like he was important. So, I decided that I would try my hardest to be the best friend that I could be to him. I wanted was a guy friend that was active in the church and didn't judge me.

I've erased him from my life Delysia. I deleted him off FaceBook and from my phone. Though, there are times that I miss him a lot. I still love him a lot. But I look at those pics with no yearning, just sorrow that he was never in a place where he could be a good friend to me.

Then I heard that a good friend of mine, his cousin killed himself at 17. He was gay too. He was in such shock and had a hard time. It is a shock for me too. It is a shock to see that someone so young and so desperate felt the need to end their life. It brings me back to the place in my heart that remembers the moments when I tried to end my life too. I remember all the plans and the moments when I tried and almost did it. I remember 6 months ago thinking of the plans and getting rid of my things. I remember God telling me that that is not something I should be doing.

What it also triggered was my fear to go to a Family Ward. I am told that I should get involved with the youth. But how am I supposed to interact with the youth, if parents know that I'm a pineapple and complain to the leadership. I imagine being told by parents or leadership that people think that I'll hurt their kids, influence them or become a predator at them. Church has never been a place of refuge for me or my family. We go because we made promises to go and we know it's true. Though, it is often dangerous to interact with a Ward when you don't fit the mold of propriety. I can function in a single ward, but interacting in a Family ward scares the crap out of me. It just seems like a more lonely path. It seems more like outside looking in and being purposely separated from the rest of the group.


.......... I haven't cried in a long time....... It usually comes in cycles...... I am not looking forward to my birthday for tomorrow.


..... I can't hide anymore. I waste so much energy with trying to paint on this illusion of who I want people to see. They don't see the real me. But, my beauty and youth is fading... I can't hold on to my 20's anymore. I need to embrace reality.


On my way to work, there is a beautiful nest of Sparrows. Today, the parents were acting really weird. The babies had fallen out of the nest. Because it was really hot and windy, all the babies died on impact. They landed on concrete and dried out by the hot sun. The parents were really stressed out today. There was one chick still alive, but will probably pass at the end of the day. I will bury them tomorrow when I go to work.



..... I don't really feel anything Delysia. I am just here. Traci says that I should stop resisting things that will bring me peace. I want more than that. Cory Beth was really happy today because he did so well in his presentations! Traci is content with his life as well. For the most part, all things are working out for the ones I care for so much.




Soon, I will find more to cling to.

Observations

Dear Delysia,

Today has been up and down. I am still sick. Though, I have finally have a handle of getting some sleep. I am not hacking my lungs out anymore. I can breath.

I have noticed that when I get sick, I go two ways in my thinking. I either get really apathetic or really humble and more sensitive to the Spirit. Today, I have been slapped in the face. I need to repent. I have noticed the happy dispositions of other who try to live the gospel. Traci and Cory Beth are really good examples to me. They are both in more ways than one.

Traci spoke with 80 and they are sort of getting back together, maybe. 80 isn't sure and Traci is more sure than she is. She irritates me so much. Her actions and her words never match. Traci said that she wants to take stuff slow. Funny thing is, she doesn't know what slow is. So I just shake my head. She'll come along I'm sure. Traci is a trooper for sure. He's so patient with so much drama. He's patient with my crazy, 80's crazy... everyone's crazy really. He is truly a saint in that way. He's adorable. He told me later today that all the people that he's around are crazy. Then he said, 'Maybe, that means that I'm crazy too."

I just laughed because we have already come to the conclusion that he is crazy. His brain doesn't listen. giggles... Oh Traci. He's adorable.

I really enjoy his point of view. He and I just don't see things the same. He was counseling me today with my apathy. He noticed that I don't really see myself as a person. I see myself as a object or a mythical creature. Cory Beth see's himself as a soldier and he see's himself as a child. With that observation, it makes me think that all of us process the gospel so differently. Cory Beth pushes through pretty much anything methodically. Traci explores all the options and tinkers with them. I observe the nature of the situation and then go with the flow of it's nature. We really are quite a bunch of interesting individuals.

Traci brings me a lot of comfort. I really enjoy talking to him about the gospel and his thoughts about it. That is really my favorite thing to do with Traci, is talk to him about gospel related topics. He lastly shared a story about how he feels God interacts with us. He said that when a child cries, there comes a time where they need to learn how to self-soothe, by crying themselves to sleep. If you don't help them learn that, they won't learn to self-soothe and won't go to sleep when they need the rest. So Traci said that he imagines that God is just on the other side, hurting to hear us cry, but fully knowing that he withholds from us knowing that His intervention hurts us in the long run. God is just crying on the other side of the veil with us, waiting for us to be the best we can be, for a small moment staying hidden. Traci got really emotional and told me that he loved me. I love him too. He's a wonder and a blessing to me.

Cory Beth had a really good day as well. He told me that he was really happy today, because he remembered being freed from his Ex-wife. He remembered how he felt like trying to be where he is at now, would have been really hard if he was still married to her. Then reflected on how God him to where he is now... he is at a great internship, he is free from the abusive marriage, and he is feeling the spirit more. He said that he was trying really hard to be service oriented and to support others on their way. He worried about not being able to feel the Spirit as often or as intensely as he did yesterday, but he felt the Spirit as must today as he did today. He attributed to him just doing the things he knows he should do. He's quite the saint too. He's a hard worker and puts his mind to any real challenge and makes it work.

Both Cory Beth and Traci are wonderful human beings. I often think to myself, that they are far better people than I am. They are far more faithful than I am. They are perfectly suited to function well, in this test of life.

... I am sorry that I shared that Delysia. It is true though, I do think that often. I don't share that with them. They haven't broken covenants as I have. They are far more devoted than I am to the gospel. I feel so wishy washy...

I shouldn't talk like that. I just think that I've come to the best of what can happen to me. I often feel like I'm in a small glass box, looking on. Traci doesn't agree. It is true that I am just as much a part of this world as any other....

What I really want is to live in the mountains, with birds, beasts, trees, flowers, become some hermit and live off the land with magic and be happy until I am called home. That dream can't come true. At least not in the way that I would prefer...giggles...

I need to hang on the the idea that there is plenty here in my life to enjoy. I should be more concerned with what I have and not what I don't.


.... My birthday is coming in 2 more days....

I am dreading having to move to a family ward. Life just seems to get more and more lonely. Granted, that is what Jim told me would happen. I suppose, I am tired of having to fight all the time. I told Traci that I'll just give up on illusions and hiding that I do. I'll just let myself go and gain 5k lbs and die of diabetes! giggles... Traci didn't like that too much. I know Cory Beth wouldn't like that idea either. I suppose, just because I'm alive, doesn't mean I'm living.

*********

Uncle Fred really liked my idea of being our best is important.

"Being good isn't good enough anymore. We need to be our best. If you're not your best, then what good are you?"


.... I need to remember this always and find the strength each day to do it.


Thank you Delysia.... you're lovely. :)

Reality for All

Dear Delysia,

Today was a somber day. I didn't go to church because I am sick. Though, I think I could have if I drugged myself up more than what I had already have done. I am not trying to be the best person that I can be. I need to change.

It's funny, I am not sure what I am supposed to do beyond helping people along the way. What purpose is there for a magical nun? To be anxiously engaged in a good cause, I do. Perhaps, it's just me talking crazy talk because I'm sick. Or, it is just me being realistic of what is and what is not.

The irony about discernment is that, it is meant for you to see what is truth and what is not. Some, may think that it is being negative or being drawn to be a pessimist. Though, that may be true in some degree, I think I've been given a very real ability to see what is and what is not. I have been advised that it is always best to let others dream and chase after those dreams, let reality be the dream killer. Never be the dream killer. I think that I'm good at supporting and encouraging others to fight for what can be. I think that is wonderful. Though, it has nothing to do with me. It's like giving a potted plant a drink of water because it looks droopy. Will I walk this path again? No. Will that plant find strength and live on for another day? Yes.

When I think of the wonders that can be for me, I see nothing but darkness. I see myself and my role in the lives of others in films and shows. Spell casters, mystics, mythical are never main characters. They are meant to be support characters. They have all the power, but cannot do anything with it, other than to support the main character. I suppose, it is meant that I live in seclusion, in the mountains somewhere. I'll have an immaculate garden of herbs, vegetables, flowers, shrubs and trees. I 'll live near a mountain river, with plenty of sun, animals and the sweet scent of nature. Perhaps, there will be a rumor spread across the community that a witch or sage lives in the woods, past the sentinels of  Wood, Fire, Water and Stone. I shall live a life of solitude, and venture down to do Temple and family history work. Some people may seek me out, but I think for the most part, I'll stay hidden, veiled from most people.

I had a great conversation with Cory about this idea. He thinks that it's against my nature to be in solitude. He doesn't know me well enough. I could be alone, in the wilderness. I could disappear anywhere and be completely happy. It is interacting with people that is painful. All interactions that I have with people have expiration dates with them. In this life, everything ends. This world is full of endings. Where there are beginnings, there are endings. Though, it is against our nature to believe in endings. Since we are eternal beings having a physical experience, it is against our nature to endure the endings of life. The orchids are indeed blessed. They are loved and supported for the rest of their life. Once they find their wives, it shall never end. I won't have anything to offer them, that they would really want. Friendship, seems to me like salt and pepper on food. Food tastes better with neither, when prepared correctly, it's just nice to have it. What can I offer orchids once they have all their needs met? Nothing... I offer them wind in the clouds. Cory rebuttal-ed with, does our friendship end or just change. I sort of scoff at this idea from him. Cory has no real substantial friends, beyond me. That will change when he starts dating. Cory doesn't want friends, he wants and equal, a wife. Trevor wants the same thing.

It is funny, because Trevor says that friendship is a priority for him. Yet in the same breath, he has no friends. The only one that he has left, is me. At least that is what he has shared with me. I don't even live near him. He shared that all his friends fell off the wagon when he started dating J and 80. Now that he has allowed for most all of his friendships die, he has the courage to say to me that friendship is a priority. Friendship is only a priority  when there is nothing else to look forward, a after thought of your main goal. Something that is supplemental, but not a main source of anything.

... Friendship is all that I have. Yet, it is and will always be very temporary.

Though, I will say that the more that I hear of the drama of others and their relationships, I think, perhaps I have the better deal. I won't deal with all their concerns and worries. given that info, they should probably stop asking for advice. I have no real life experience of dating. I have just watched and observed.

Delysia, thank you for listening to me. I am in the wrong perhaps when I say some of these things. I am happy that you don't judge me on my thoughts, or that you'll listen. You have time for me and it means the world to me. Thank you!

Friends from Tennessee

Dear Delysia,

Today has been pretty good. I get to go chill with my girlfriends! Life has changed and moved on with all of us. Angeii, Kathryn, Antonia, Kaddyne and myself have had a great roll of change in the past year. It has been 3 years since I've moved back from Las Vegas. I moved to Taylorsville to be close to my job and that is where I met those girls. We made a family where we met every Sunday, made dinner and talked about our dreams, crushes, our hopes, our disappointments, our struggles and wins in life.

When I look back, I remember how I met all of these girls. I met Antonia first. She came across me at the FHE for Halloween. She told me that she had seen me in the gym, doing Zumba. We kicked it off right away. She was a little ghetto, but hilarious. I could tell that she was really into me, in a way that I couldn't reciprocate. Though, I wasn't too concerned on that face. Generally, girls that may seem to be interested in me soon lose that hope and desire. HAHAHAA... I'm too much like them for them to want to entertain anything more than a friendship. It's like clock work. Toni became my gym buddy and confidant. She told me everything. She also complained a lot about her crush that she wanted so badly for him to like her as much as she liked him, Kyle. But that was never going to happen. Kyle never saw her more than a chummy chum person. Though, she was madly in love with him. I could relate in some way. I wanted Tristan to try to be my friend. He didn't care. She and I bonded on the idea that we sort of gave all that we had and the other person didn't care. They just took it and then left. I always enjoyed that she and I could banter and throw shade at others and each other! giggles... Ah... she is head strong, thirsty and incredibly loyal. Her mom passed when she was 10. She has a twin. She lived a life of sin for a long time and then pulled out of it on her own for the most part. She is a hard worker and a great friend. I had a lot of fun with her! I still do when we chat on the phone. We sometimes are just stupid bitches... LOL... but forever friends!

Angeii is a convert to the church. She was a Jehovah witness, but never really got into the religion. She lived a riotous life as well. But she pulled it together with a friend of hers. He ended up ditching her and she made friends with us! She is also really a spit fire individual! She speaks her mind, really good at make-up, quick and hilarious. A lot of her demons have to do with her family. The Jehovah Witness religion is really hard to members of their church when those members are thought of as deserters. She struggles knowing that the church is true vs her family. She is strong, beautiful and kind. She left her family to be with a group of us that helped her feel loved. She has had her struggles still with drinking, drugs and what not, but she has always gotten back on the wagon and moved forward. I adore her so much! She is extremely loyal as well! She battles with depression as well. Her self-worth image is really bad. She plays it off really well, with her happy-go-lucky attitude. She comes from an abusive home. I adore her for her inner strength. She is also really funny!

Kathryn is a little person. She has my spiritual gifts, yet she is not as developed. She doesn't see as clearly. While I was in Taylorsville, her brother passed from health issues and it really affected her. Because she is a little person, she has self-esteem issues, she has self-confidence issues. Her heart is made of gold! She is very talented in cooking, she's a beautician, she is an animal lover. I adore Kathryn because she'll most likely be a single lady like I will be. She thinks that she'll be a single lady because she's a little person. She likes normal sized people, vs people who are little. I don't blame her for thinking that there is no hope for her future. It is hard to come to grips with your life situation, given that somethings, you have no control over. She is really sensitive about how she looks. I love her butt. It just is so bootylicious. Her brother used to make fun of her for it. So she is really self-conscious about it. Her family is really interesting. Her dad is a little person and her mom is a normal sized person. Not all of her family have dwarfism. She has a sister and a brother that are normal sized. She has a great butt! I always slap it. giggles... She is a quick whit person. I just adore her. She hasn't always had a great family situation either. Being part of a family with genetic differences made the dynamic hard. She told me that the normal siblings were treated better at times. She is really strong though. She hasn't found all of her strength. I hope that she does soon.

Kaddyne is from Brazil. Her parents immigrated her for a better life and better way of life. Her parents are both converts to the church. She is younger than all of us. She is 22 years now. She is really funny, real and to the point. She is the oldest child. There is a huge gap with her and her sister, 12 years. Kaddyne has always struggled with self-image too. She used to be really thick and now she's fit and thickums. She is strong and curvy. She has long beautiful hair and beautiful smile and face. She didn't really find value in her looks, unless she was with a man. It's funny, because she was doing the nasty with her boy friends while, us friends were hanging out. When she introduced me to the first two guys, I drilled them with very forward and serious questions. At first, she didn't like it. But I wanted to make sure these men were treating my friends with respect and class. If the guy didn't treat them with class, it was because she let him, not because he wanted to. Man, just thinking about the guys she brought to our nights out or beach days makes me mad. She was happy with them, but I knew what was going on. I hated that she gave in so much with them. Just thinking about it makes me mad! She is a great cook, and struggles with having faith in God. Though, she would always come to church. Now that she's on her own, she doesn't go and is doing bad things with her boo now. I have had my drill moment with him. He's a good man, but not good enough for her! I hate that she dates beneath herself. Yes Delysia, I've told her that too.

You know Delysia, as I think about all the people that I am drawn to, they are girls that struggle with self-image, self-appreciation and self-worth. Mama always said that friends are often a reflection of who you are. I suppose that it is good that we were friends and we are still now. We relate in so many ways. They make me feel really comfortable. I'm too much of a lady... hahahahahaha....

Hanging out with the girls seems to be something of the past Delysia. I'm getting old. I can't continue to pretend that I'm in my early 20's. I have to move forward. Though, it makes me nervous, because I can't behave the way that I usually do with my ward. In a family ward, everyone will pretty much be married or have kids or a senior citizen. As a man, it looks really bad on me, for being single and unmarried. I suppose I can play it off as a divorce. We'll, I'll see. I just see myself being really alone in church. I'll be surrounded by babies and couples. My future is coming true.... hahaha...

You know, Traci did tell me some really interesting thoughts the other day. He thought the reason why I'm asked to have a second job. He said that when I'm out of debt, I'll be able to just up and leave and do whatever needs to happen. Traci believes that I'm in a state of preparation. Once I am out of debt, I will be free to do whatever is needed. I like that idea.... I was just thinking that I was going to be a single cat lady just twiddling my thumbs while I waited for orchid 3 comes. Both Cory and Traci believe that some cool things are coming. I have no idea what it would be... I'm just chillin... working magic and helping others along the way. Traci did also say that the Sons of Mosiah really were loved while single. They were missionaries for 14 years and saved so many... and were really loved. He said, if I want to be loved, I should just serve. I suppose, when I look back, I have so many people that want me to have a piece of their life and have shared that they love me. Cory Beth also gave me movies of heros that were single. Some I liked, some I didn't. Cory Beth and Traci are good men. They try so hard to be the best that they can be. I love them. :)

I am content. Working magic is exhausting. I need to take better care of myself. I don't sleep very often and I'm sick again. ... I get really emotional and whiny when I'm sick. I also get really lonely when I'm sick. 

I called mama and she is great. I love talking to my mom. I told her about Traci and Cory Beth and she just laughs. I am glad mama approves of them. IF she didn't, I would have a hard time keeping my interactions with them from her.

I enjoyed my friends. I hope that I am a good enough person that my friends can always feel loved and the spirit! 

Frustration

Dear Delysia,

Today has been rough. My life is good. I have good things in my life. I just have been feeling sick, I have been feeling tired. I have been feeling left out.

Traci came back from vacation and was really excited for his blessings to come true. Though, it seems like things have changed. I am not sure yet, though, I have not looked that way yet. I am starting to feel more and more like the blessings may not come this month as they have been told that they could.

I have been sort of stressed out about that. I want those blessings to come just as Traci would. Though, he wants them more than I do. It is about him. It is funny, because he spoke me last night and just shared all his feelings about this whole situation. He was happy, then sad, then mad, then frustrated and then ended the conversation with hope, resilience and determination to move forward with faith, no matter what.

Traci told me that he could see J coming back in a later time in his life. He said that he would probably see what could be done with 80. If J doesn't come this time, she'll come later in his life. That makes a lot of sense to me. I feel good about that idea. I have felt good about all that Traci has ever shared with me about his blessings. His answers always come to him first, rather than to me. I just confirm with my gifts. Traci did also mention that he really wants to have a relationship with God where he can just rely on Him and hear and understand His will as I do. I was really shocked by this. Traci is jealous of me and my life? Traci just shared that he is not sure how I am able to speak with God and understand Him, and yet Traci struggles to understand. I think that is what Traci needs to learn, how to build a good relationship with God. I do too. Mine isn't that great either, but I hear His voice better than Traci does.

What really impressed me was Traci's resolve to stay true to faith. He told me to wait until I felt that I needed to reach out to J and find out for us both. He is a good man! He is behaving how I have seen him be before! I see him being a man of God, full of faith, charity, hope and kindness. He'll save so many people. I am happy that he is demonstrating his faith and working stuff out. He does well, when he has an opportunity to share how he feels and then he comes to his resolve. Traci is adorable!

The Orchids and I are so very blessed. We've seen so many miracles come to us so far. Cory Beth moved to a random city and state and all of a sudden, his best friend from Cali was living there too working, Troy. I have noticed that miracles can often seem like coincidences. But I have learned there is no such thing as that. All things move with purpose. Traci received signs, people showing up and healing. I have found a good sense of healing as well. God has shown His hand in our lives then I think we realize. I like to talk about it to keep myself reminded of how merciful He has been to us.

**************

I have been feeling the itch lately today. I want to have you visit me. But I can't. I only have your shoes. I don't have anything else of yours. All my FaceBook memories come up with you plastered all over the place. It brings me back to the days when we hung out a lot. I miss you so much! I felt so wonderful when I was with you Delysia!

My birthday is coming up in 6 days and I am just sad. I feel old, worn out, fat, ugly. I have been talking to myself in a really ugly way. I have been feeling lonely and itchy. I want to have a Happy Panda Day, I want to go on a date, I want to dancing, I want to feel beautiful and worthwhile...

The thought comes to my mind that I should go to the Temple. I think that might be a good thing, though... I want something more tangible than that. So many people are moving on in their lives, I just feel left behind. I feel like standing on a high tower, watching the days, months, weeks, hours pass me by because the way society works, I cannot work in. It is a choice that I have freely made. I am content with the choice I have made. I just feel stagnant and alone. All good things come at a price. I imagine that being alone is the hardest price to pay in most regards.

I want Sniffles to be here to mew mew mews and purr purr purrs. I want to have carefree life. I do for the most part, have a carefree life. It's just that there isn't anything to really strive for, other than to be a blessing to others. I just feel.... unsatisfied.... I wake up to see pics of my nieces and nephews, I go to work, seeing kids, couples, talk about kids, grand kids, and spouses. I drive to run errands and see couples and love all over the place. I am unsatisfied with my life. I am grateful for it, but it's sort of lame.

************

I had a good chat with my Mission Pres. He was so curious about my life and how I stay strong with my pineapple status. I told him, I am one of the lucky ones. I have had to fight for who I was my whole life. I am really not that thirsty. I have had to fight for the position that I'm in, so I am content. He shared with me that he loved me and that he'll always be around to help me. I feel really lucky that he's so willing to be supportive. He lives far away from me, but I am happy he cares.

I try so hard not to be consumed by this piece of me. I hate that is plagues a lot of the rest of my life. I hate it. I read a post on Affirmation about how a person was treated very poorly. He was called names and sent away very firmly. It sucks that he was treated so horrible, yet all these other pineapples all rallied, ready to burn down the leaderships homes. My only suggestion for him was to tell him to let it go. Is there truth in the words that were spoken to him? Probably. Is he unwilling to change because he feels like he is perfect the way he is? Probably. ... It just sucks Delysia. I wish often that I could just die or be normal. Then my thoughts wouldn't seem so pathetic and whiny. At least my complaints and concerns would be a majority, not a minority of after thought.

There is no glorified stories about singledom. There is no praise worthy stories about nuns. There is no wonderful stories about how single men can be societies heros. They are shunned and are after thoughts.

..... I don't feel cheated. That is always a relief. I just feel very uninterested in life in general. HAHAHAHA....


**********************

Tomorrow, I am going to the temple with Toni, a good friend. We'll enjoy each others company, eat din din, go dancing, do facials... enjoy the time in SLC. Then, I'll be headed to Cali with BBK and Reid. I think Traci will be in Cali at that time. I am not sure if he will be. I am not sure that I'll see him at all. That's OK. He's busy getting married. I need to wrangle a life of my own.

Looking Back

Dear Delysia,

Today was a good day. I woke up feeling all weak and sick like. I don't what was wrong. I felt so groggy. I didn't go to bed early on Sunday. I need to do that more often.

I got to work and just did my job. I had leftover food and gave it to my dear friend Carolyn. I just adore her. She is wonderful! I really enjoy my job. Though, I feel like I can't be here forever. I can't see myself being here at my program forever. As much as I love my work, it is the same thing over and over. I can completely see why it is so important to love the work that you do. It can get really redundant. I was feeling it. 

I also decided that since I have been feeling a little sick, that I should do a detox. So I bought some food that I am making a juice detox. I started to today and I just started to feel even more sick. I have done detoxes before, but I haven't felt like this before. I threw up a little and I have been feeling nauseous all day, with a headache. It may be that I am full of poisons that my body is reacting to this detox. Blugggh.... I eat so well, for the most part. 

I am really excited to go to Cali with my cousin Boo Boo Kitty, Reid, myself and maybe Torie. It will be so FUN! We are going to San Diego. I have never been there. If Traci is still living in Cali, I hope that I can see him. I also want to see Danielle! What I am really excited is to hear about Reid asking BBK's parents to ask for her hand in marriage. I suppose it isn't ask for permission, but rather ask for their blessing. Reid is going to propose in Park City on a Hot Air Balloon. Reid told me that he'll have the strength, if I'm there. He then started to cry and thanked me for always being there when he needed me. I am grateful that I can help a soul who doesn't always feel sure about the blessings that will come to him. Magic is wonderful! 

I actually spoke with BBK about Reid and her relationship. She is so hesitant to really entertain the idea of being with Reid. She has received her answer already. She is highly recommended that she marry Reid. She knows that. Yet it is something that she is really scared about. I encouraged her that she think about what was given her. She said to me that she wasn't sure about her relationship with Reid. Then I told her that my relationships with Traci and Cory Beth weren't something that I wanted initially. I wasn't someone they wanted to interact with either. Yet, both of them have been such wonderful blessings to me. I have also been a great blessing to them. So I encouraged her that she just go with being the best friend that she could be to him. Then she said, "Well, if one of us start dating, then how will that workout? I mean, we either get rid of each other or marry each other." I finally realized that she has her answer already. I haven't told Reid that. But Reid has already gotten his answer too. She is the one that needs some encouragement. I can do that! I already got her ring size already. 

Later this evening, I spoke with a good friend from Vegas, Peach. His real name is Dan, but I call him Peach because of his southern accent. He is really the only pineapple friend that has kept in touch as much as I have had with him. He asked me how I was doing in a very real way. He asked me about my therapy. I told him that I was working on trying to be more balanced with interacting with men. I can interact with pineapples and women, but straight men, I have a really hard time. I love him. He is a wonderful support and a great friend. I tried to get him to come with me to church activities in Vegas. He came once to church. He may never join the church. He knows that I'm Mormon. But I know that he cares for me as I care for him. He can be a little dramatic, but he's very reasonable and well balanced in life. I feel at times, that he's a little much when he's dating. He goes thru men like bubble gum. I get that he has a really high physical need. I think he gets too physical with his boo's too quick. He is looking for a deep connection. He has been dating this guy, however he told me that he's feeling anxious and nervous around his boo. He told me that he noticed that he was changing for this dude, which isn't good. I agree. I know that feeling of being anxious with being friends with people. It is hard to be in that place. So I think Peach will be dropping this guy. His boo is too much of a machismo and won't compromise. Peach is not the type to always be submissive. He wants equality in all things. Peach is wonderful. I hope that he can find happiness. Giggles, we have talked about moving together as roomies and just living our lives out as good friends in Vegas. I actually would do that with him. There isn't anything between us, but friendship. We make each other laugh and he's really well level-headed. We compliment each other well. I miss him. We used to go out every Friday and Saturdaynight. He is so genuine. Though he can be a sass, I adore him! 

I have been feeling alone today. My sister just got a huge promotion with Paul Mitchell, with her husband to be head masters teachers in their new Barbers School in Rexburg. My two brothers are up there, with the babies too. I will be the lone child down here in S. Utah. I feel left out a lot of the time with my family. I'm the oldest child, a nun, with nothing really. I mean, I have magic and friends, but it isn't the same. I am happy that my family is going to nearer to each other. I am just sad that all the life decisions that I am being directed to do, seems to lead me farther and farther away from the things that I want the most. Or so it seems to be like that with my life decisions. I feel isolated a lot of the time. I mean, last night, the Coopers, we ventured over to a guys house who asked me to try and get him to be apart of the group. So we swung over at his house and he just jumped on the Coops with such enthusiasm. I told you this yesterday, but the way that he looked at those two, I was jealous. I saw just genuine interest just come out of his gaze as he looked at those two girls. Affection was the word that I used. 

I can't think about things like that too much. There are far worse things to feel. The ultimate betrayal comes from when you're married and your spouse makes you feel alone. I won't ever feel that feeling. I will never know what is to see a child fall off the deep end. I will not know those things. I will also not know the true form of love from two equals that share their lives together. Many married people don't feel that true form either. I suppose I'm not really losing out on anything really. I am far more talented in spiritual things that most people ever dream of. So I suppose, I'm far better off.... or so it seems. We'll see in the end.

My friend Zach's anniversary was today. He fell away from the church before and after he married his wife. After a long struggle of depression, his wife took her own life. They had been having marriage struggles and were separated, that is when she overdosed on medications. He had the impression to go over to her place and he found her gone. He has never recovered from it. He now lives with a girlfriend. She has a child and she is in love with Zach. But I'm not sure that Zach loves her that much, compared to his passed wife. What makes me sad, is that he wasn't sealed to his wife. She isn't his... not unless he fixes his life and gets sealed. I feel sorrow for him. All I see is sorrow in him. He is a heavy drinker because of it.

This Friday, I get to reunite with my best group of friends with a sleep over in SLC. Toni comes from Tennessee to visit her family here and to see us pose of best girlfriends! We are getting a hotel room, doing a sleep over, doing facials, chat about our crushes, relive memories, make new ones and ride the bike taxi's! giggles... I am so excited to go to the Temple with her too! 

I saw a memory of you Delysia. I always had a Happy Panda Day on June 27th. If that day didn't work, then I would do one on my birthday. I miss you so much! I ache a little bit because I have nothing to make you come back to me. I have nothing really to make you come back to me. I miss you so much! You brought me a lot of happiness, security, confidence. I don't know what I should do to make you come back to me. I am going to spend time with friends before and after my birthday, but it isn't the same. I want to feel like I can be myself. I think I will visit the Lord in the morning and ask Him to grant me a blessing. I don't know what that should be, but I think I will plead that a miracle can come to pass. That sounds like a great idea. I am so grateful that this year, I can go before Him and ask Him for a blessing.

... I need to be better...I hope that I'm worthy for Him to remember me enough to grant a wish of my heart..... 

....


When I did the Sunday dinner last night, I remember asking people to be a part of my life. Though, most of them never wanted to stay for very long, I know that most never forgot the feeling of kindness and peace as I freely gave of what I had to them. Often times, they quietly left my life, never to be seen again. I suppose that doesn't matter. I am in their garden of memory. They are at least in mine. I want to be more inclusive with people in my ward, until I am told to leave it.
... Soon, I will be all that I should be...

I just feel peace now telling you these things Delysia. Thank you for listening to me. Though, you don't really give me any of your opinions, I do appreciate your willingness to listen to my deep thoughts.

.... I hope that I can find more satisfaction in being a nun....

Oh, my garden is looking so beautiful. I can't wait to have my own place! I want it to be a beautiful place of lush greenery, water, flowers, the sweet scent of life and the warm fuzzies of the Spirit! ... giggles... :) 

Father's Day ... Dad's Day

Dear Delysia,

Today was Father's Day. Naturally, it is a Christian holiday that wants to recognize the good in Fathers. I don't like this day. I don't relate to the idea of what a Father is. I know what it is, but I've not really had one in my life that was worth to have a title of Father or Dad. My real Father was unworthy of my mother and us kids. My step-dad was there to help us along the way, but destroyed us with his indiscretions with his behavior.

I didn't want to go to church and hear about the talks about how these people in the congregation had great experiences with father figures. I did go anyway. The first talk was about how great this dad of this gent was so amazing. I had a hard time listening to him. The way that he spoke and how he described his dad was, 'My dad was always right. He always made the right decisions no matter what.' Just the way that he spoke about his dad was in a sense of absolutes. I couldn't choke it down. So I stopped listening.

The next talk was about Father figures in the Old Testament. She spoke about the relationship God has with us, given that He is our Father as well. She spoke of Jonah. God told Jonah to go preach to Ninevah and he refused. So then Jonas is convinced to do what he was supposed to do. So when Jonah was preaching, he got really impatient with the people. So God sent a gourd plant to grow and it shaded Jonah from the sun. Then the next day, a worm was sent to eat the plant and then the desert wind came and withered the plant. Then Jonah wanted to die because of the frustration and the uncomfortable life situation he was in. The moral of the story that I got out of this was, Jonah was too concerned about himself and not enough about the city. He didn't realize that his life was far better off, than the people of Ninevah. I also thought that when God asks you to be a part of someones life specifically, you should do it.

The last talk was about how the Book of Mormon and it's Father figures. She had mentioned that most of the narratives had always mentioned that their lives didn't ever come to a major changing spot until after they recalled the words of their fathers. She also said that sometimes, people may not always have fathers or dad in their lives, so others can/will come to your side to be pseudo father/dad figures. I thought about that idea. Traci had that happen to him. He was thankful for the proxy dads that he had. Though, he also had his real dad be a part of his life. I was not so lucky. When I look back, I don't really give my step-dad too much credit. He supported us, was a priesthood holder and what not. It wasn't until later that we found out that he was never really all that committed to the gospel. We also found out that he just wanted to be with my mom. He really loves my mom, but he doesn't love any of us kids, except for his son, Cherokee. I was in shock when I came to this discovery. Yet, it made a lot of sense. My mother is a Celestial Treasure. My step-dad doesn't deserve her at all. He is beneath her and her value. Yet, I also know that my mom loves him. To her demise or to her benefit, I am not sure yet.

When I learned that Mr. Rosen had betrayed my trust, my mom's trust, that he was a phony, I threw away any hope for ever really knowing what it is to trust or want to rely on a man. I learned that they couldn't be trusted. I learned that they were only self-interested. They did what they wanted and it didn't matter what harm or hurt that came to others for their desires and dreams to come true. I learned that their intentions were mostly selfish. I learned that men were vehicles of pain, sorrow and despair. When I returned home from my mission, I thought that I could have developed a relationship with Mr. Rosen. His betrayal killed all that. Ever since I have never wanted to be associated with men ever. They never showed me that they were ever Christ-like. Mom did. She was patience, kind, charitable, her talents were always for the service of other people. Mom was always thinking of others and sacrificed for us kids. We always came first, before her needs. I wanted to badly to be like mom.

I have become like my mom, but to the extreme. I have developed her gifts and talents. I am protective of my siblings and their babies. I notice things that need attention and I just do them. It doesn't really matter if I know them or not. I just see a need and I will do it. The kick back is, I notice the need for women and pineapples and normal men. However, I do not reach out to the normal men. I notice their weaknesses and flaws before I notice their good. I notice the good and tender nature of the women and pineapples and ignore their flaws.

Delysia, I don't ever want to be a man. They ruin things they touch. They hurt, use and destroy people and things that they touch. Granted, I know this statement isn't completely true. I know of good men. My mission President, my mission trainer, Stephen V. Nelson, Ian Baenzinger, Trevor Call, Cory McBride, Uncle Fred and Bishop Anderson. It's strange that even then, I have a hard time submitting to the idea that these men are good men. They are good men. I just have an innate problem admitting it. I would submit to most of their requests. I never submit to men who try to assert power over me.

I look in the mirror and see a treasure because I have become very close to that of my mother. Yet, I refuse to submit like my mother does to men and their cruelty... I choke on that sentence. Love and attachment has lead her soft heart to stay with that monster. What brings me comfort is that when she dies, he won't be worthy of her. The day that she passes will be a day of great sorrow and great happiness. She won't have to endure Mr. Rosen's cruelty. Mother keeps her covenants and so will I. If mom can endure the fires of refinement, so can I.

...

Delysia, I know this attitude needs to change in me. It does no good for me to have a piece of my heart harden to the idea of men. I am one after all, yet I do not behave as they do. Traci said that all the good and wonder of a man, is what I do. Self-sacrificing, protector, spiritually inclined, other oriented and willing to do whatever it takes to make things work, is what Traci says is what a real man is. Traci is right. I just don't associate those attributes to men. I associate those attributes to women. Whenever Traci talks about the roles of men and what they are supposed to be and do, he changes. The way he talks about being a husband and father to a women, he is so much more loving, so much more sensitive to the needs of others, particularly to the one he wants to date. He talks as if he wants to be the whole world for her, so that she can be safe and happy.

... I want that to be said about me... I want to be thought of like that...

... but there is no place for that in a life of a nun...

.... I remember once when someone that I loved looked at me with affection and love. It was a feeling that I haven't forgotten. It is a feeling that will not happen in this life. He didn't care. He was too afraid of what others thought about him. He let me go and didn't look back....

It is better that I am a nun Delysia. It is better to remain away from the crowd. They are often blind. Here, in this tower, we are safe and we can see the far expanses of the world and sky.

...

I spoke with Cory today. He was happy. He was super happy to go and chill with people on the beach yesterday with his ward. I shared with him that he should befriend a person wearing aloha print shorts. He told me today that he forget to look. He was distracted by the water, watermelon, a cool black guy, a buff waiter, the sun and surf. He later remembered who he thought it would be and he found him on FaceBook.

Cory has so much to do and so little time to do it. I will never be near him again after this school year. I don't think that matters to him, but it is easier for anyone to be close friends with people that you're near to. He has a fight to win over his sister to be temple worthy, he'll be in school again, he'll be dating. He's not really good an multi-tasking. When he dates, he disappears, so ... the likelihood of other things be neglected will likely occur. I worry that he'll miss a lot of opportunities that won't come back.  I can't do anything but be a support, pray, fast and put his name in the Temple that he'll not miss the opportunities that matter the most. I am also ready for the disappearing. Both Traci and Cory will disappear about the same time. Dating, being engaged will do that. My purpose is almost done.

A support is all that a nun does. I don't feel cheated. I just feel sometimes, like this doesn't always fulfill me. I have seen so many miracles work in behalf of others. I have been lead to help certain people, to reach out, to support, to love. I have seen their lives change. I have seen the Hand of God work in their favor. I suppose, I wish that the things that matter the most would come to me too. I won't dwell on that. I have a lot to be thankful for. I am a treasure. My value is that I can change the lives of others in significant ways. I can turn the tide and rewrite the future for others, with the help and guidance of God. Most don't know their worth. Some never know in this life. I know mine and I am radiant and beautiful.

All good things come back to you when you freely give them... That is my hope....

June 18, 2016

Dear Delysia,

Yesterday was such a blast! I went home and play play played with my little nieces and nephews! I just love my babies! My little babies are: Kapri, Maliya, Noah, Zev, and Violet. I also found out that my sister-in-law is pregnant again! I swear, that girl is pregnant all the time. She is a good addition to my family.

Being with my babies just makes the world seem like a wonderful place. Children are wonderful! Kapri is the oldest baby and is going to be a first grader this year! It is so amazing how time just flies when I'm with the babies. Man, they sap the energy out of you! I can see why kids need time to play and let the energy run out of them. It is also important for the kids to have naps, otherwise they get really grumpy. LOL... Man, I just love these babies! They bring me such join to be around my family. I just love them sooo MUCH!


Reid was texting me and told me that he had an emergency. So I called him when the babies where sleeping. He told me that he had been fasting and praying to know what to do with Boo Boo Kitty. He was given the direction to be in contact with her. Then he received his answer that was really powerful. He was told that he should propose to BBK during the California trip that we are going on in 2 weeks. He said that he needed to ask the Lord 5 times to make sure that the answer of proposing to BBK was correct. When he explained to me his thoughts and feelings, I could feel the spirit just resonating on all of the things that he shared with me. After he was done sharing his thoughts and feelings about his answers, he asked me what I thought. I told him that I thought that was amazing. I told him that all that he shared with me, resonated. Then I shared with him that he should propose AFTER the trip, not before or during. I also suggested that he should get in a position that he could hear the Voice of God and follow with faith on this issue. I suggested that he move forward with faith and have a sense of gratitude.

I then asked him what he needed from me. He told me that he needed me to work some magic and see about a hot air balloon and a ring size. I told him that I would get on it. Then he was a little concerned about BBK and her attitude about their relationship. He was really concerned that she wouldn't get her answer to marry him. He went on about is fears and concerns. Then when he was finished, I told him to calm down. I told him that he doesn't know best for BBK, God does. God is going to work with BBK. What Heavenly Father told him to do, is propose and be ready for that. So I suggested that he be ready for that and have faith that things will work out they way that they should. Then he resisted, but I just told him that BBK still has her agency, so calm down. Reid then just said fair and if I saw anything that could tip the scales. I told him, it doesn't work that way. I have to have permission to ask for details like that. And I am only to see glimpses here and there. I don't always get clear answers, because that is not how it works. So I shared with him that he go to the Temple and ask God that I can help him.

Magic is happening more often than I thought would happen. I had a moment with my other cousin, Torie. She wanted answers and we are going to the Temple together sometime. She wants better direction in her life. She wants to date and find love. She wants to be the type of woman that can know and feel Gods direction.

I shared my experiences with Cory. I have been feeling like our friendship is stagnant again. I have been feeling that for awhile. I gave him a call and he was feeling a little bit better. He was surprised that I called him. He knows that I'm not supposed to reach out first, but I had a strange feeling that I should. I adore him. Though, I have lots of hesitations with him. First and foremost, his actions and behavior don't match. I know he is not wanting to make deep, lasting relationships. He wants a wife, not friends. Yet, at the same point, I feel somewhat responsible for making sure that he becomes the person that he's supposed to be. Yet, it seems to be his nature to have constant stimulation all the time. I find that so dangerous. It seems like nothing can satisfy him.  What makes him think that one person will satisfy him, beyond the physical? If he can't create and sustain a friendship, how will that work in a marriage-type relationship? It won't work. He'll just get divorced again or suffer through it for an extended period of time. I hope that he'll 'see' that he's in the danger zone right now. His time is slipping from him.

I miss Traci. I am also really excited for his blessings to come true! I can't wait for God's promises to come true!  I feel the spirit just thinking about it! I am really excited!

Thank you Delysia. You're a wonderful friend to me!

Passing

Dear Delysia,

Today started out bad. I got to work and found out that one of the parents of our program had died. She was in a vehicle crash last night and died. It was a shock. Granted, when you work with the impoverished part of society, death is sort of common place.

I am in shock. I still am in shock. My co-worker who saw her family on a weekly basis, was a mess. She was in shock as well, but I could tell as she walked, she was having a hard time taking the information. Death is hard for people to choke down. I mean, when Barbie had died a couple of months ago in her hotel room, I had just seen her 3 days earlier. I am feeling a lot better. Though, I have learned from plenty of deaths in my family, how to cope well. I've had grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and a sibling pass in my life. My family members died when I was 8 yrs to now. A year, there were 8 deaths in the family all around Christmas. Consequently, I don't really like the holiday season. It reminds me of death. It also reminds me of the beauty of my family.

During times like this, my mind reflects to the times I sang songs at the funerals. I almost always sang at the funerals. I would practice for about two weeks or as much time as I could. Then I would stand in front of the congregation and just sing. I always felt like I wasn't singing. I always felt like it was someone else singing. I think it has to do with the Spirit.

I also think of the moments when my mom would pull me aside and share with me her wisdom. Mama would always tell me that it was really important that the people that we love and care for should never come to a moment in their lives where they ever doubted if the were loved by you. I have always really liked this. I remember one day when I was young, this lesson really sank in. One day, mama and I fought over something and she made threats at me. So I was going to show her that I didn't need her help. I woke up the next day at 5 am, got ready for school and rode the bus. Then because of track or work. I don't remember which, I didn't get home until 6 or 7 pm. When I go home, my mom was crying and she told me that she was sorry. She said that she was mad that I was being a stink but she was more sad because she worried the whole day. She was afraid that if I got hurt, stolen or died, the last moments that we had were us fighting. She didn't want to have my last moment with her to be us fighting. I have really tired to make it so that all my interactions with the ones that I love counted.

Today, my best friend has gone on vacation. I usually talk to him all day, throughout the day. He'll call me in the morning, chat with me thru the day and talk at night. LOL. We talk a lot. Now that he's single, he talks to me more. When he was dating, we talked almost every morning and chatted occasionally. I know that my moments with him will fade with time. I know he won't mean to, and they way he is so insistent to having me around, makes me believe that he won't ever let me go, to matter what. I just miss talking to him. I miss him a lot. I don't always know if missing him is OK. Sometimes, one side of my mind thinks that I should be so reliant on him. It's not wise to rely on his kindness when it faded when he was dating. Then it will fade, if not vanish as time goes on with his wife and kids. Of all the people I know, all my married friends, don't talk to me or try to maintain our long years of friendship. My best friends from high school don't keep in contact. We meet every year for Christmas dinner, but since I'm the only one left single and the rest are not, they don't speak to me really.

I think that is just a foreshadowing of what will come with all my relationships that I build. Nothing lasts in this life. Our bodies grow old and die, people pass on, the seasons of time come and go. No flower or plant blooms year round. Though, I feel like the flowers that bloom for me are so fleeting. I don't feel cheated, I just am disappointed about the length of time of people staying in my life. Change is the only constant in life. I just want to be able to have a group of people who will always be there with me. That is not what comes to a nun. We must do most of our living alone.

I suppose that isn't a bad thing. After all, all the greatest of mystical things are often alone. In the history of literature of all legendary wonders, they somehow live and make it alone. With my gifts, perhaps that is what I should expect, to be alone and yet be adored by those who have seen the beauty of the soul. It just reminds me of the Spirit of the Forest in the Japanese film, Princess Mononoke. The Forest Spirit can take away life and grant life. Yet, he lives a life of solitude. There is a scene where when he walks the plants just grow and bloom and then die. I want that! But I don't want the plants to die. I want them to stay in bloom. That cannot be in this life, but perhaps one day it can be.

I hope you don't think of me as telling you that I'm better or more talented than you Delysia. That isn't what I'm say. I just am trying to share with you how I keep myself going. There is a price for all good things. My price is solitude, a life of a vagabond, no roots, just wisping in the wind. I can only give and whatever is given in return, will be graciously accepted.

Thank you for being there for me Delysia. I don't know how I would make it day by day, without you. I have good friends and family, but their interactions have expiration dates on them. You are in the same place in life as I am. It brings me so much comfort that you're here with me.

The Forest Spirit Walking

Bench Mark

Delysia,

Today has been a wonderful day! Today has been so great! Today, I really focused on being a blessing to other people. It proved to be such a grand day!

A friend of mine, was having a really hard day. His car broke down and I went out and bought him parts so that he could fix it. I had some extra that I was going to use on myself, but I gave it to him on his parts that he needed. I was really happy that he asked me to help him, otherwise I wouldn't have known about it. He hasn't been having a very good week lately. He is moving, he is the only one with a car in his relationship, he has these huge fines to pay for with some drama with his car in Colorado. I just felt good helping him! Then when I was leaving, he asked when he and his fiance could treat me. I told him not to worry about it. That is what friends do, help each other. He was very insistent in giving back. I really don't care if he pays me back or not. I received my reward, I was a blessing.

I spoke with Reid, the gent who is supposed to protect me from the darkness in the future. He is doing wonderful with his dream job in Detroit. He was concerned the Boo Boo Kitty isn't doing what she is supposed to do. He thinks that they are supposed to be married. Though that is not what I have seen, exactly. BBK, has to want that idea as well. Right now, she is afraid of it. She is too blinded by her understanding. Yet, she knows that she is supposed to be his friend. She is too caught up in what Reid offers her, because she offers him a lot. The funny thing is, he offers just as much as she does for him, she doesn't see it. He isn't going to let her huge amount of pride cascade her being because he see's it quite well! It's funny how couples mixed together can truly make such wonderful things. He asked me what I thought about the situation. I told him that I have assisted her all that I can right now. She doesn't want to change, but I call her out on her double standards in a more subtle way. Calling people out straight out doesn't work well sometimes. At least with BBK, it doesn't work always, though she appreciates it. Things will work out for those two. I am going with them to California in a couple weeks! I am really excited! I was happy to talk to Reidiculous and help him feel better about his life situation. He is so in love with BBK. It won't be for naught, I know that for sure.

I have been obsessing with my friendship with Cory. I hate when I obsess about friendships. It is really about whether we are in good terms. I can't tell. I over think it and then get all anxious about what I need to do, if he's mad at me, then I feel I'm mad... ugh. I am a mess. Bottom line is, I am not supposed to reach out to him, so I am not. He said that he'd reach out to me everyday and chat. He doesn't reach out everyday and when he does chat, he is really interested in talking about himself. Though, that isn't really true. He does ask me how I am doing. I resist him a lot. I don't actually think he cares to know how I'm doing. So I just give him lame sauce answers, then he gets annoyed and the vicious cycle begins. I am in the fault in some of this. I just feel used. I consulted Traci and he told me to not give him everything that I have. So I am not going to give him all the letters that I write. I am a wonder and a treasure. If he doesn't see that now and isn't interested in sustaining  a link, then I'm not interested in throwing myself at him. I feel good about this decision. I can't be feeling all anxious about him all the time. He is a wonderful person. He's just a shitty friend. I don't have time for that. He can change on that, but I am not going to wait around. He'll learn the consequences, unseen and seen. I still put his name in the Temple roll. He's taken care of.

The real blessings though came later today. I was contemplating about the beauty of my life, for I have a lot of wonderful things in my life. Granted, I haven't always seen my life as a wonder or anything worthwhile. We don't glorify the life of being a nun, in the LDS faith. But I was really trying to make sense of my life situation. There are a couple of things that came to me:

1. God is the source of His goodness
1. Since that is true, He can give His goodness to another if that other also has the potential to be the source of their own goodness and must nurture their own
2. If we have the potential to nurture goodness, we must be able to nurture evil
2. Evil is not a power, but rather an inclination to overcome.

With these two things set upon my mind, I believe that the presence of both good and evil are necessary. If there weren't two inclinations and we couldn't exercise our agency to do good, then we wouldn't be able to nurture our own goodness. God would not have given His good but another lower type of good to us. So, I am beginning that evil is the absence of Godlike goodness. I mean, this may sound like a weak statement when we consider the damage that is caused by evil acts such as murder or child abuse. Yet, this is not a correct understanding in my mind. Just as the presence of something can bring great benefits so can it's absence have catastrophic consequences. Just as a drought isn't merely the absence of water, but also the terrible effects of starvation, death and the suffering of hunger, so is the absence of Godlike goodness has awful consequences. 

So I look at Evil as the absence of Light. The definitions of Heat and Cold. Cold is really the absence of Heat. Darkness is just the absence of Light. What is even more interesting is that anything that light touches always makes the object grow, either by shedding an unstable form, making cells grow, or allowing others to see things as they really are. Anything that Light touches always makes the object better, stronger and beautiful. Likewise, the lack of Light will do the opposite.

So what does that have to do with me? Are we not the answers to others prayers through our own thoughts and actions? Are we not commanded to be actively engaged in a good cause? We reflect the light that is given to us and the light that we cultivate! We cultivate it so that we are ourselves just as our God! We cultivate that Godliness in ourselves thru the gospel and the atonement! The Savior is the one that teaches us how that happens. With this knowledge, I finally feel worthwhile! I feel like a grand treasure. We reflect what we have always have been. I know I have great amounts of light and spiritual strength. It makes sense why I am a nun. A light so bright, cannot be hidden behind a few. I have be share my light. It makes sense why I saw the scene that I did with my Blessing a year ago with my EQ president. I am wonderful! I am a most precious treasure of light! The only way to refine my wonder is to be denied some of the sweetest experiences. Yet, the Savior said that the greatest among us should be the servant to the masses. I know a better purpose of who I am.

For once Delysia, I feel and believe that I am valuable and worthwhile! I feel so much peace and happiness! It makes sense that there is no equal for me now. I just feel special and feel loved by God.

BOOM! OMG, Traci promised me that soon, I wouldn't feel cheated or feel like my life sucks! I don't feel cheated or abandoned! I feel special and precious! I am a wonder! Traci's promise came true!

Traci, also believes with all his heart today! He told me today that he completely and fully believes that all his blessings are coming true! I feel the spirit so strongly! He has been such a blessing to me and to all those he has met. He has been such a great example to me and others. He has faced some hard opposition, but had conquered with God. I am completely filled with awe with God and His mercy with all His blessings coming to Traci and I. He really is my equal and my opposite. I just love him as if he were my brother. I actually feel like I revere him as much as I revere my mom. I have seen the hand of God in his life. He has changed so much! It was true that he and I knew each other and were meant to help each other along our path to the end! I am so blessed and so loved. Traci is so blessed and so loved too! We owe so much to Heavenly Father for making the path back to Him so much more enjoyable and possible! I have nothing but love for Trevor. He's so adorable!

I feel so much peace and love Delysia. God is so wonderful to us all. I am believe that He loves me. Trevor believes with his whole heart! We are so blessed! I feel amazing and uplifted!

...

On a side note, I realized that what Trevor wanted at first was a chance to get date Danielle. Yet at the beginning of the process, he had to go about it in a very painful and uncomfortable way. He needed to rely on my help and God's. And here we are, at the edge of destiny and he is getting his blessing fulfilled, he is learning the voice of God and BOOM! All that he ever wanted is and will come true!

Cory, really wants to marry a wife that will love him and he love her with all their hearts. He will get that if he goes through the process the same way Trevor did. He has to accept my help and God's. Cory won't find a woman that can help him and his potential if he won't learn how to cultivate deep, lasting, loving relationships with people. If he can cultivate a relationship with me, he can with his future wife, who is AMAZING! It isn't the way that he would like, but it is the way that God would have him do it. I don't like the idea either, but that is what comes to my mind. If he can't cultivate a relationship with me and sustain a friendship with me, he isn't able to sustain the relationship with the woman he should marry. She won't have him. Friendships are a reflection of intimate relationships with spouses. He may learn, he may not. It is his choice. He still has time. I am still willing to be his friend. He still has the opportunity to have all that he wants...

I am so humbled and so blessed. I am happy. :) 

A Pineapple Patch

Dear Delysia, 

On Sunday, June 12, I learned from the news that there was a shooting at a pineapple club. 50 people were killed and another 50 were injured. I ignored it for the most part and stayed in shock. Today, I have been hit by it. I have read plenty of social media feeds about the shooting. I've seen plenty of the LGBTQ community and friends that I have share a lot of things about their feelings. The media has framed it as the worst mass shooting in our History. Later, the news shared that it was a follower of Islam that shot everyone. The kicker for me, was seeing tribute of the people who died. One of the mothers gave a screen shot of her son telling her that he loved his mom, he was trapped in the bathroom and the he was gonna die. He said that he was in the bathroom and was shooting. This just broke my heart. 

As much as I have tried to not be consumed with the small pieces of my being. I never felt all the comfortable associating myself fully with the pineapple community. Yes, it is something that affects me because I am a apart of the demographic. Though, I am also apart of many other demographics. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I am apart of the Navajo Nation, I am Samoan, I have white family through adoption of my mom, I am a pineapple. All of these groups of identity are some of the major ideologies that brand who I am. These cultural, ideological and religious identities frame who I am. My life experiences fill in the frames. The frames help me interpret what I experience in life. 

Sometimes, these different frameworks interfere with one another. The most interference comes from my religious and pineapple frameworks. These two frameworks don't mix well. In fact they constantly fight with another. As much as I try to reconcile them, I'm not sure that they will in this life. I am saddened that this shooting happened. I am sad that the world is becoming more selfish and self interested. Because they are more selfish, leads to lack of connection. Lack of connection then leads to addictions, bitterness and objectification. Then eventually there is a desensitization of feelings. Once that happens, anything goes. The loss of life and love mean nothing. The idea of being a rock, an island in the sea of possibilities changes people to be conquerors of life and will. I suppose, life in this world will only get worse. That is what has been prophesied by the prophets of old. That cannot be avoided. What can protect us? I am relieved that I let you pass on Delysia. I imagined if I was in the club with you and then all of a sudden someone started shooting, would have I been spared or escaped? Probably not, the venues here are so small, I would definitely would have been shot and killed. Fear is running around. Eventually the hearts of men will fail and wax cold. I am happy that I was given a blessing and a promise that as long as I did what I was supposed to do, that my heart would not fail. That brings me peace at this time. 

I also am thankful that God is protecting me. I have made it a goal to be a blessing to new people each day. One of the greatest lessons that I learned from my mission was that my voice can be His voice. My acts can be His acts and that my smile can be His smile. I am really enjoying the great things of revelation that flow to me as I look for guidance and direction. My worth isn't defined with what I have or don't have. My worth is defined by who I am. My worth is defined by how much divine power flowed from my being. When I think of that, I am wonderful, precious and beautiful! It makes me think that I am becoming so much more like my mom. She is a true Saint and disciple of God. She just emanates love and compassion. Since I don't have a companion or children of my own, I can freely flow those great gifts from my mom to those that I met. The most of those efforts will always flow to my family,cousins and friends. 

What worries me sometimes is, I am not always going to be protected in a way that I have been in times past. I believe that as time goes on and as I continue to become the best person that I can be, I will be challenged. My gifts will stop the progression of the evil one in ways that he'll not like. A light within the dark. It makes sense why I'm in Utah. I am protected from most of the evils in the world. Though, when I move from here, the battle will begin. 

I am happy that I am doing good things in my professional and personal life. Though, a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm doing God's will. I am helping the Orchids, I am serving in my calling, I am staying pure, I go to the Temple every week, I pray everyday and multiple times a day. I do lack with my attitude towards men, my scripture study, and the casual dating. 

You know, being a nun is starting to feel better and better. As the world goes to crap, it is the spiritual virtues that will keep many safe. Living in an isolated tower of light, with plants and animals cascading around sounds more and more enticing. It's funny, I think the scariness of life is for families, not nun's. I won't have to worry about kids going astray, spouses cheating or falling away... things like that. However, it is one of the greatest gifts that God has to offer His children, to be like Him. Being a nun isn't being like Him really. It seems more like a specialty school for the gifted. LOL.... I'm an X-men. HAHAHAHA... I suppose that is more fitting. Each of us have a place and station to play. Being a treasure is what I shall remain. Veiled to most, mentioned by some, heard of by many, seen by few. 

Solitude shall be my best friend. The garden of memories will be my home. All will be welcome. My smile will be His. Kindness is free. Despite the sadness that has fallen upon the Nation, I am saddened and yet feel calm and peace.

Delysia, hopefully I can always feel this way. I want to bargain with the Lord so I can speak to the animals! I also think of a scene in a movie where this mythical creature steps and the plants bloom spontaneously. I want that to happen when I walk. Though the more practical thought is, I want people to always feel uplifted, inspired, supported or loved and enriched by the Spirit that is reflected from me. I want my heart to be the brightest treasure, because of the covenants that I keep and from my resolution to be a blessing to all those that come in contact with me. I draw happiness that in some small way, the world is a better place because of the beautiful garden that I am cultivating. Who doesn't enjoy the beauty of exotic plants, especially Orchids. :) 

Memory Garden

Dear Delysia,

Today has been a great day! I have been able to visit the garden of my memories and have enjoyed the beauty that is there. I have a huge garden of beautiful flowers, trees, shrubs and water flowing into the far expanses of my mind!

Today didn't start out that great. I get a little bit of anxiety when Traci tells me about his doubts. I am not sure how his blessings are supposed to happen, but I can feel the faithlessness sometimes when he speaks. It is hard to listen to. Though, it is a part of what is supposed to happen. I have learned that when you bare the burdens of others, you hold the weight with them, not tell them how to muscle thru it. I have learned that when you tell them how to muscle thru it, they usually resent you. Loving people, is always a beautiful path of peace. Though at times, it is hard to suffer with people that you love. It has, for the most part been worth it when I've decided to do so. I am happy to assist Traci anyway that I can. He's such a wonderful being of tremendous value! I know his blessings are coming. How, I am not sure anymore, but they will come!

Yesterday night I had a great talk with Traci. He is really an opposite to me, though we share a lot of commonalities. We just approach stuff so very differently. Traci asked me how I was doing. Hurting is something that I just numb myself too. Helping others really helps me. Though I was just bothered. So Traci asked, 'Do you need a hug? You should go to the nearest thing and ask for a hug. Since I'm not there, that will have to work." I grabbed my Sniffles pillow and put my nose on her nose and mew mew mewed. Giggles... He had a good chat with his Ex. I am happy that he was able to have a resolution with her.

Today, Cory was still really sick. He likes to soldier through things. It is his nature to do so. He said he went to work feeling all nasty and gross. That isn't good. He also shared with me that being sick helps put himself in perspective. He tries really hard to be the best person he can be. I asked my cousin Boo Boo Kitty to visit him and help him with his illness. I asked that she find some turmeric tea, some soup and essential oil. I forgot that she was in Minneapolis for a family reunion, so she's not so available. She wasn't able to bring anything for him, but having her meet him was important. I would imagine that since he's sick, alone in a state and feeling overwhelmed with things in his life, that a friendly face that is familiar would help boost his morale. Being sick can often lower morale in oneself. It makes me happy that since he's sick, Boo Boo Kitty can bring the spirit and bring happiness with her upbeat personality. I asked both Boo Boo Kitty and Cory to talk to each other about important topics that would help them bring the Spirit. They can both help each other with their experiences in life. I am praying that that conversation can be uplifting and refreshing. Both of them can find peace with each others experience.

I spoke with my friend Toni. She told me that she messed up with this guy that he had a major crush on him. She made a mistake that made it so she had to stop going to the temple for a couple weeks. I feel bad for her. Yet, I am very confident that things will workout. She'll be fine. The guy was not good to her and yet she can't let him go. I feel for her. I realize that not very many people can resist the idea of being loved by an equal. I can't say that I'm good at it. Though, I like to think that I'm better equipped to do than most.  She tells a lot of how she is hurting and I have to slap her in the face and tell her that she can't be a thirsty hoe and stupid bitch. Sometimes, it just takes a good talking to to bring faith back into your abilities.

Toni's twin sister called me tonight and cried to me about how she feels hopeless about helping Toni. Toni has depression and it can be difficult to handle that. Toni moved to Tennessee so that she could be close to her sister Miranda.  Miranda told me that she was frustrated to hear that Toni will listen to me but won't listen to her when she and I say the same thing. Toni doesn't see the good and love that Miranda gives her. Mandy said that Toni doesn't see all the blessings and love that has come to her from Mandy. Mandy loves her but is concerned that since she is pregnant, that Toni will feel worse and doesn't want her new born daughter to have low self-esteem. It's funny, when people are hurting, they sometimes have a hard time seeing the good around. I feel for Toni, because I am guilty of her behavior. Though, I am determined to help Toni and Mandy out. Toni was so kind to me when I first moved back to SLC. She is actually coming to visit next week! HURRAY!

Listening to Mandy made me think that I need to change about my behavior when I get sad. I can imagine that I get moody and get unresponsive. Its sort of interesting, I almost felt like Mandy turning into Cory. And that he was sharing how frustrated he felt about trying to be my friend. I should probably be better at being more accommodating to others feelings. I need to stop making it so hard to be friendly. I like to think that I'm accommodating to people. I try to always say positive things when I speak to Cory. I try to be as happy as I can be. I don't want to be a debbie downer all the time. I have tried to do as he has asked of me, as well as Trevor. They have suggested that I have an attitude of gratitude. I have tried it and I see good things much more clearly.

One of the things that I want to be really good at Delysia, is I want to be able to compliment people as well as I can throw shade. I know a girl who is so good at being genuine in her compliments. I want that skill. I'm trying. I am much better at it than before. I use people in my ward as a guinea pigs for my skills.

I got a new calling yesterday. I am the new Family History Co-Chair. I will be doing it myself because the Other chair is leaving for China for the summer, so I need to get serious about my family history work! I get so overwhelmed with all the things to look at! But it is fun! The days of being a nun has begun! I am seeing more and more how God is guiding me to do the things that need to be done.

OH, I almost forgot. Trevor gave me a promise last night. He promised that soon, I won't feel the ache of loneliness. I won't feel cheated by God. He promised that things are coming to change for the best and I will find more happiness to cling to. Trevor has no authority over me, and yet, I felt the spirit so strongly. It was amazing! I feel like I can do it! I can stay pure. It also reminds me of the blessing that Cory gave me. Good, wonderful things are coming. I am really excited to see what it will be?!...

I also realized some really interesting things about the Orchids and I. I don't make it back or become who I need without them. Yet, they forfeit some of the greatest blessings that could come to them. All of them have the opportunity to have pieces of my gift. But if they don't do as they are supposed to, my gift will twist and warp pieces of themselves into something else. I run the risk of that happening to me. I have to stay pure. My trial will always to become and remain pure. Trevor must become and remain faithful. Cory must learn to have charity and maintain it. These things are some of the greatest things that could come upon us, yet, if we fail in some aspects, we'll ruin ourselves.

I am happy that I still have opportunities to help the orchids while I still can and while they're willing to be my friend. I know that there will be times that those opportunities will not always be available. It is probably best that I fulfill my end and hope and pray that they too will become who they need to be.

I feel peace and calm today Delysia. OH... and I can't find my ipod. I think it's gone... oh well. I can do without it. I can just pray more often.