Memory Garden

Dear Delysia,

Today has been a great day! I have been able to visit the garden of my memories and have enjoyed the beauty that is there. I have a huge garden of beautiful flowers, trees, shrubs and water flowing into the far expanses of my mind!

Today didn't start out that great. I get a little bit of anxiety when Traci tells me about his doubts. I am not sure how his blessings are supposed to happen, but I can feel the faithlessness sometimes when he speaks. It is hard to listen to. Though, it is a part of what is supposed to happen. I have learned that when you bare the burdens of others, you hold the weight with them, not tell them how to muscle thru it. I have learned that when you tell them how to muscle thru it, they usually resent you. Loving people, is always a beautiful path of peace. Though at times, it is hard to suffer with people that you love. It has, for the most part been worth it when I've decided to do so. I am happy to assist Traci anyway that I can. He's such a wonderful being of tremendous value! I know his blessings are coming. How, I am not sure anymore, but they will come!

Yesterday night I had a great talk with Traci. He is really an opposite to me, though we share a lot of commonalities. We just approach stuff so very differently. Traci asked me how I was doing. Hurting is something that I just numb myself too. Helping others really helps me. Though I was just bothered. So Traci asked, 'Do you need a hug? You should go to the nearest thing and ask for a hug. Since I'm not there, that will have to work." I grabbed my Sniffles pillow and put my nose on her nose and mew mew mewed. Giggles... He had a good chat with his Ex. I am happy that he was able to have a resolution with her.

Today, Cory was still really sick. He likes to soldier through things. It is his nature to do so. He said he went to work feeling all nasty and gross. That isn't good. He also shared with me that being sick helps put himself in perspective. He tries really hard to be the best person he can be. I asked my cousin Boo Boo Kitty to visit him and help him with his illness. I asked that she find some turmeric tea, some soup and essential oil. I forgot that she was in Minneapolis for a family reunion, so she's not so available. She wasn't able to bring anything for him, but having her meet him was important. I would imagine that since he's sick, alone in a state and feeling overwhelmed with things in his life, that a friendly face that is familiar would help boost his morale. Being sick can often lower morale in oneself. It makes me happy that since he's sick, Boo Boo Kitty can bring the spirit and bring happiness with her upbeat personality. I asked both Boo Boo Kitty and Cory to talk to each other about important topics that would help them bring the Spirit. They can both help each other with their experiences in life. I am praying that that conversation can be uplifting and refreshing. Both of them can find peace with each others experience.

I spoke with my friend Toni. She told me that she messed up with this guy that he had a major crush on him. She made a mistake that made it so she had to stop going to the temple for a couple weeks. I feel bad for her. Yet, I am very confident that things will workout. She'll be fine. The guy was not good to her and yet she can't let him go. I feel for her. I realize that not very many people can resist the idea of being loved by an equal. I can't say that I'm good at it. Though, I like to think that I'm better equipped to do than most.  She tells a lot of how she is hurting and I have to slap her in the face and tell her that she can't be a thirsty hoe and stupid bitch. Sometimes, it just takes a good talking to to bring faith back into your abilities.

Toni's twin sister called me tonight and cried to me about how she feels hopeless about helping Toni. Toni has depression and it can be difficult to handle that. Toni moved to Tennessee so that she could be close to her sister Miranda.  Miranda told me that she was frustrated to hear that Toni will listen to me but won't listen to her when she and I say the same thing. Toni doesn't see the good and love that Miranda gives her. Mandy said that Toni doesn't see all the blessings and love that has come to her from Mandy. Mandy loves her but is concerned that since she is pregnant, that Toni will feel worse and doesn't want her new born daughter to have low self-esteem. It's funny, when people are hurting, they sometimes have a hard time seeing the good around. I feel for Toni, because I am guilty of her behavior. Though, I am determined to help Toni and Mandy out. Toni was so kind to me when I first moved back to SLC. She is actually coming to visit next week! HURRAY!

Listening to Mandy made me think that I need to change about my behavior when I get sad. I can imagine that I get moody and get unresponsive. Its sort of interesting, I almost felt like Mandy turning into Cory. And that he was sharing how frustrated he felt about trying to be my friend. I should probably be better at being more accommodating to others feelings. I need to stop making it so hard to be friendly. I like to think that I'm accommodating to people. I try to always say positive things when I speak to Cory. I try to be as happy as I can be. I don't want to be a debbie downer all the time. I have tried to do as he has asked of me, as well as Trevor. They have suggested that I have an attitude of gratitude. I have tried it and I see good things much more clearly.

One of the things that I want to be really good at Delysia, is I want to be able to compliment people as well as I can throw shade. I know a girl who is so good at being genuine in her compliments. I want that skill. I'm trying. I am much better at it than before. I use people in my ward as a guinea pigs for my skills.

I got a new calling yesterday. I am the new Family History Co-Chair. I will be doing it myself because the Other chair is leaving for China for the summer, so I need to get serious about my family history work! I get so overwhelmed with all the things to look at! But it is fun! The days of being a nun has begun! I am seeing more and more how God is guiding me to do the things that need to be done.

OH, I almost forgot. Trevor gave me a promise last night. He promised that soon, I won't feel the ache of loneliness. I won't feel cheated by God. He promised that things are coming to change for the best and I will find more happiness to cling to. Trevor has no authority over me, and yet, I felt the spirit so strongly. It was amazing! I feel like I can do it! I can stay pure. It also reminds me of the blessing that Cory gave me. Good, wonderful things are coming. I am really excited to see what it will be?!...

I also realized some really interesting things about the Orchids and I. I don't make it back or become who I need without them. Yet, they forfeit some of the greatest blessings that could come to them. All of them have the opportunity to have pieces of my gift. But if they don't do as they are supposed to, my gift will twist and warp pieces of themselves into something else. I run the risk of that happening to me. I have to stay pure. My trial will always to become and remain pure. Trevor must become and remain faithful. Cory must learn to have charity and maintain it. These things are some of the greatest things that could come upon us, yet, if we fail in some aspects, we'll ruin ourselves.

I am happy that I still have opportunities to help the orchids while I still can and while they're willing to be my friend. I know that there will be times that those opportunities will not always be available. It is probably best that I fulfill my end and hope and pray that they too will become who they need to be.

I feel peace and calm today Delysia. OH... and I can't find my ipod. I think it's gone... oh well. I can do without it. I can just pray more often.