Observations

Dear Delysia,

Today has been up and down. I am still sick. Though, I have finally have a handle of getting some sleep. I am not hacking my lungs out anymore. I can breath.

I have noticed that when I get sick, I go two ways in my thinking. I either get really apathetic or really humble and more sensitive to the Spirit. Today, I have been slapped in the face. I need to repent. I have noticed the happy dispositions of other who try to live the gospel. Traci and Cory Beth are really good examples to me. They are both in more ways than one.

Traci spoke with 80 and they are sort of getting back together, maybe. 80 isn't sure and Traci is more sure than she is. She irritates me so much. Her actions and her words never match. Traci said that she wants to take stuff slow. Funny thing is, she doesn't know what slow is. So I just shake my head. She'll come along I'm sure. Traci is a trooper for sure. He's so patient with so much drama. He's patient with my crazy, 80's crazy... everyone's crazy really. He is truly a saint in that way. He's adorable. He told me later today that all the people that he's around are crazy. Then he said, 'Maybe, that means that I'm crazy too."

I just laughed because we have already come to the conclusion that he is crazy. His brain doesn't listen. giggles... Oh Traci. He's adorable.

I really enjoy his point of view. He and I just don't see things the same. He was counseling me today with my apathy. He noticed that I don't really see myself as a person. I see myself as a object or a mythical creature. Cory Beth see's himself as a soldier and he see's himself as a child. With that observation, it makes me think that all of us process the gospel so differently. Cory Beth pushes through pretty much anything methodically. Traci explores all the options and tinkers with them. I observe the nature of the situation and then go with the flow of it's nature. We really are quite a bunch of interesting individuals.

Traci brings me a lot of comfort. I really enjoy talking to him about the gospel and his thoughts about it. That is really my favorite thing to do with Traci, is talk to him about gospel related topics. He lastly shared a story about how he feels God interacts with us. He said that when a child cries, there comes a time where they need to learn how to self-soothe, by crying themselves to sleep. If you don't help them learn that, they won't learn to self-soothe and won't go to sleep when they need the rest. So Traci said that he imagines that God is just on the other side, hurting to hear us cry, but fully knowing that he withholds from us knowing that His intervention hurts us in the long run. God is just crying on the other side of the veil with us, waiting for us to be the best we can be, for a small moment staying hidden. Traci got really emotional and told me that he loved me. I love him too. He's a wonder and a blessing to me.

Cory Beth had a really good day as well. He told me that he was really happy today, because he remembered being freed from his Ex-wife. He remembered how he felt like trying to be where he is at now, would have been really hard if he was still married to her. Then reflected on how God him to where he is now... he is at a great internship, he is free from the abusive marriage, and he is feeling the spirit more. He said that he was trying really hard to be service oriented and to support others on their way. He worried about not being able to feel the Spirit as often or as intensely as he did yesterday, but he felt the Spirit as must today as he did today. He attributed to him just doing the things he knows he should do. He's quite the saint too. He's a hard worker and puts his mind to any real challenge and makes it work.

Both Cory Beth and Traci are wonderful human beings. I often think to myself, that they are far better people than I am. They are far more faithful than I am. They are perfectly suited to function well, in this test of life.

... I am sorry that I shared that Delysia. It is true though, I do think that often. I don't share that with them. They haven't broken covenants as I have. They are far more devoted than I am to the gospel. I feel so wishy washy...

I shouldn't talk like that. I just think that I've come to the best of what can happen to me. I often feel like I'm in a small glass box, looking on. Traci doesn't agree. It is true that I am just as much a part of this world as any other....

What I really want is to live in the mountains, with birds, beasts, trees, flowers, become some hermit and live off the land with magic and be happy until I am called home. That dream can't come true. At least not in the way that I would prefer...giggles...

I need to hang on the the idea that there is plenty here in my life to enjoy. I should be more concerned with what I have and not what I don't.


.... My birthday is coming in 2 more days....

I am dreading having to move to a family ward. Life just seems to get more and more lonely. Granted, that is what Jim told me would happen. I suppose, I am tired of having to fight all the time. I told Traci that I'll just give up on illusions and hiding that I do. I'll just let myself go and gain 5k lbs and die of diabetes! giggles... Traci didn't like that too much. I know Cory Beth wouldn't like that idea either. I suppose, just because I'm alive, doesn't mean I'm living.

*********

Uncle Fred really liked my idea of being our best is important.

"Being good isn't good enough anymore. We need to be our best. If you're not your best, then what good are you?"


.... I need to remember this always and find the strength each day to do it.


Thank you Delysia.... you're lovely. :)