June 11, 2016

Delysia,

Yesterday and today have been a blur. Yet, I have learned some very interesting things. Things that I have already have known and things that made me go, hmm.

Yesterday, I was hurting a lot. It seems like that never ends, the hurt. Though, there have been days where I haven't hurt as much or the pain was gone. I am starting to realize that I don't have much of a choice of not living the gospel and yet, I don't always feel satisfied by it. I just feel calm.

So the things that I noticed. My dear co-worker, Carolyn loves me. She is always bring food to share with me and I bring food for her. It is so wonderful that she is so kind and caring towards me. She really does care for me. And I haven't really noticed it till now. I am so blessed to be watched over by her.

That day, we had a sports challenge and a whole bunch of companies around the valley came to participate and give us money. Most of the teams, were from Adobe. They were mostly attractive men, with nasty attitudes. As I was walking across the fields, I imagined seeing Trevor and Cory on the field playing the games. They are men that can function in this world so well. It made me smile to think that they would be working for a major company like Adobe and would spend some free time doing charity work. I also felt the looks of some of those men, looking at me like I was nobody. It's funny because Carolyn filmed a video of me cheering on our staff, while playing dodgeball. I was so uncomfortable and so weird... I hopped and kicked back one leg. GAY! ... ugh.... I am so feminine sometimes. I'm an outsider always. I should just get used to it.

Then I got off work early and was just depressed. I went to the pool and sun bathed. I realized that laying out in the sun just brings me such happiness. It reminds me of the times in Vegas, with Lindsay Sommer. We would lay out each Friday afternoon and talk about our week and crushes. I was so happy in Las Vegas! I got a good tan, talked with Boo Boo Kitty and played in the pool. Boo Boo Kitty left and I stayed to just take a nap in the sun.

Then I went and had dinner with one of my dearest friends Christie Cox. She took me out to dinner for my birthday. We spoke about her life and mine. She told me a couple weeks ago that she is wanting to go to the temple and I told her that I was a pineapple. She asked how I function everyday with my thoughts, the ache, the loneliness. I told her that I cry a lot and go to the Temple twice a week. She started to cry. She said that she felt so bad as a friend. You see, when I left Vegas, she was having some serious issues with addiction with her anti-depressants and alcohol. People were talking a lot of crap about her and I remained silent and spoke to her often to help her out of her rehab. She said that I was such a great help and support and she wanted to be like that for me. She just cried for a little bit more and I thanked her. I thanked her that she has been so kind to me. I remember when we first met and she was so nice to me. Of course I wanted to keep my friendship with her. She gave me a birthday present of a panda box that keeps coins. I love it! She is so wonderful! She told me that I was one of the strongest people that she has ever met. I love her dearly.

Then I went to a co-workers home. He wanted to give me his planter boxes because he was moving and where he is moving, won't allow for the planter boxes. He is a pineapple and is moving in with his lover. I like him and his bf. I met his old roommate and he was a very unpleasant person. He is a short man with lots of muscles, insecure and just joined the police force! He lied to me about why he joined the force. I can't stand boys who like to assert themselves on others under the guise of righteousness. And he is addicted to porn and is getting married. I just got a horrible vibe from him and his BS.

Taylor, his bf and I went to dinner and shared our feelings about life. They asked me how my nun life was doing. I told them that it is hard, but I have good people in my life. I have a hard time being friends with normal boys. It is a learning experience for sure. Then they told me of a guy that they wanted me to get to know. They asked my type and I told them really, I like tall people and people who are about my height. They wanted to go to this guys place in S. Utah and enjoy his company. I was really excited because he's cute and is tall! Taylor told me more about him and I got really excited! He seems like a person that I could love and he love me in return!

When I was finished with my dinner, I sent a text to Cory and Trevor to look at Peter and see if they could tell me what they saw in him. I wanted them to practice their discernment gift that is growing. Cory could see countenance, Trevor could see attributes. Cory responded with annoyance and frustration with me and I felt he scolded me. Trevor seemed to be very disappointed with me and scolded me but in a nicer way.

I couldn't bare listening to Cory's point of view. He was telling me to get it together. That I need to just keep consistent. He told me that power, peace and comfort can come from reading the Book of Mormon. He's not wrong in that. I just want a break from revelation. I have learned that you are responsible for the answers received. Since my answers are so clear, I am held responsible. He asked me that I wanted to not hear God anymore. I told him, pretty much. Then he told me that living the gospel brings peace and happiness. I told him that I don't agree. I have lived the gospel and I have lived in sin. I am not satisfied with either. I have learned that you're screwed if you sin, you're screwed if you're good. Cory's response was, Why would I want to face challenges on my own, vs being supported by the divine. I told him that it still hurts doing either. I told him that I am hurting all the time. I told him that I would want to do this alone because I could deal with the challenge on my own time. Cory then said to me that that was stupid, in a nice way. I ended the conversation after that. He had told me earlier that he was headed to bed. He needs sleep or he gets snappy. So I told him that I was letting him go and hung up. He texted me and said that he was sorry for not having empathy. I was really mad. I am still mad at him. He knows nothing of how I feel. Granted, he has told me that a lot, but I am just mad. Lady-boys and He-men don't mix. He means well, but he's mean sometimes.

Then when I got home, my neighbor came over and told me that he's a pineapple too and just wanted to share with me how he felt about his life and how he is dealing with it. He said the same thing I did... that he wasn't satisfied with living the gospel or living in sin. I realized that I am a strong individual. I am far more resilient and stronger than most people. And my neighbor is struggling if he can live a life true to himself. I feel for him, though, it brings me a lot of comfort to know that he can find peace with talking to me. It's nice to hear of the struggles of another that you can relate too.

Traci was texting me and was trying to be the best person that he can be. I wasn't going to have it so he called me. I shared with him how I felt about Peter and Cory. He told me that he noticed that I get in a cycle where I was being flirty with this person and found out that Bryson wasn't on my team... I just spiraled into shame and horribleness. Trevor is so kind to me. Though, he spoke to me in an ugly tone and he is not allowed to speak to me like that. I will admit, because I care for him so, I endure it. It is a way that he knows how to show love. I know Trevor loves me. I love him too. He just told me that going to meet Peter, will bring situations that will ruin me. He told me that I need to be in a position where I can be stronger than I am right now. He noticed that I get really sad and depressed and cry out of injustice when I feel cheated. He told me that Cory is right and that I should submit. He also shared with me that Cory see's himself as a servant to a King, in regards to the gospel. I do not. Trevor said that Cory speaks to me like I am a servant too and keep up like he is. But that doesn't work when I feel I am not a servant to the King. I am a unicorn, a prize in the Kings court, not a servant.

I am in need of such repentance. I am not staying consistent to my covenants. I need to be better. So much better. I can't be willy nilly with relationships with people or careless with myself. But it is hard to be nice to myself and a paradigm. In one breath, I am amazing. In the next, I am nothing.

Being a nun is really the only way that I could become something worthwhile. I am not in need of the feelings of attraction. The feelings of attraction will only lead me down the road of losing my gifts and becoming a casualty of war. I am in sore need of repentance and humility.

May it be, that I can be the best person that I can be. ..