Looking Back

Dear Delysia,

Today was a good day. I woke up feeling all weak and sick like. I don't what was wrong. I felt so groggy. I didn't go to bed early on Sunday. I need to do that more often.

I got to work and just did my job. I had leftover food and gave it to my dear friend Carolyn. I just adore her. She is wonderful! I really enjoy my job. Though, I feel like I can't be here forever. I can't see myself being here at my program forever. As much as I love my work, it is the same thing over and over. I can completely see why it is so important to love the work that you do. It can get really redundant. I was feeling it. 

I also decided that since I have been feeling a little sick, that I should do a detox. So I bought some food that I am making a juice detox. I started to today and I just started to feel even more sick. I have done detoxes before, but I haven't felt like this before. I threw up a little and I have been feeling nauseous all day, with a headache. It may be that I am full of poisons that my body is reacting to this detox. Blugggh.... I eat so well, for the most part. 

I am really excited to go to Cali with my cousin Boo Boo Kitty, Reid, myself and maybe Torie. It will be so FUN! We are going to San Diego. I have never been there. If Traci is still living in Cali, I hope that I can see him. I also want to see Danielle! What I am really excited is to hear about Reid asking BBK's parents to ask for her hand in marriage. I suppose it isn't ask for permission, but rather ask for their blessing. Reid is going to propose in Park City on a Hot Air Balloon. Reid told me that he'll have the strength, if I'm there. He then started to cry and thanked me for always being there when he needed me. I am grateful that I can help a soul who doesn't always feel sure about the blessings that will come to him. Magic is wonderful! 

I actually spoke with BBK about Reid and her relationship. She is so hesitant to really entertain the idea of being with Reid. She has received her answer already. She is highly recommended that she marry Reid. She knows that. Yet it is something that she is really scared about. I encouraged her that she think about what was given her. She said to me that she wasn't sure about her relationship with Reid. Then I told her that my relationships with Traci and Cory Beth weren't something that I wanted initially. I wasn't someone they wanted to interact with either. Yet, both of them have been such wonderful blessings to me. I have also been a great blessing to them. So I encouraged her that she just go with being the best friend that she could be to him. Then she said, "Well, if one of us start dating, then how will that workout? I mean, we either get rid of each other or marry each other." I finally realized that she has her answer already. I haven't told Reid that. But Reid has already gotten his answer too. She is the one that needs some encouragement. I can do that! I already got her ring size already. 

Later this evening, I spoke with a good friend from Vegas, Peach. His real name is Dan, but I call him Peach because of his southern accent. He is really the only pineapple friend that has kept in touch as much as I have had with him. He asked me how I was doing in a very real way. He asked me about my therapy. I told him that I was working on trying to be more balanced with interacting with men. I can interact with pineapples and women, but straight men, I have a really hard time. I love him. He is a wonderful support and a great friend. I tried to get him to come with me to church activities in Vegas. He came once to church. He may never join the church. He knows that I'm Mormon. But I know that he cares for me as I care for him. He can be a little dramatic, but he's very reasonable and well balanced in life. I feel at times, that he's a little much when he's dating. He goes thru men like bubble gum. I get that he has a really high physical need. I think he gets too physical with his boo's too quick. He is looking for a deep connection. He has been dating this guy, however he told me that he's feeling anxious and nervous around his boo. He told me that he noticed that he was changing for this dude, which isn't good. I agree. I know that feeling of being anxious with being friends with people. It is hard to be in that place. So I think Peach will be dropping this guy. His boo is too much of a machismo and won't compromise. Peach is not the type to always be submissive. He wants equality in all things. Peach is wonderful. I hope that he can find happiness. Giggles, we have talked about moving together as roomies and just living our lives out as good friends in Vegas. I actually would do that with him. There isn't anything between us, but friendship. We make each other laugh and he's really well level-headed. We compliment each other well. I miss him. We used to go out every Friday and Saturdaynight. He is so genuine. Though he can be a sass, I adore him! 

I have been feeling alone today. My sister just got a huge promotion with Paul Mitchell, with her husband to be head masters teachers in their new Barbers School in Rexburg. My two brothers are up there, with the babies too. I will be the lone child down here in S. Utah. I feel left out a lot of the time with my family. I'm the oldest child, a nun, with nothing really. I mean, I have magic and friends, but it isn't the same. I am happy that my family is going to nearer to each other. I am just sad that all the life decisions that I am being directed to do, seems to lead me farther and farther away from the things that I want the most. Or so it seems to be like that with my life decisions. I feel isolated a lot of the time. I mean, last night, the Coopers, we ventured over to a guys house who asked me to try and get him to be apart of the group. So we swung over at his house and he just jumped on the Coops with such enthusiasm. I told you this yesterday, but the way that he looked at those two, I was jealous. I saw just genuine interest just come out of his gaze as he looked at those two girls. Affection was the word that I used. 

I can't think about things like that too much. There are far worse things to feel. The ultimate betrayal comes from when you're married and your spouse makes you feel alone. I won't ever feel that feeling. I will never know what is to see a child fall off the deep end. I will not know those things. I will also not know the true form of love from two equals that share their lives together. Many married people don't feel that true form either. I suppose I'm not really losing out on anything really. I am far more talented in spiritual things that most people ever dream of. So I suppose, I'm far better off.... or so it seems. We'll see in the end.

My friend Zach's anniversary was today. He fell away from the church before and after he married his wife. After a long struggle of depression, his wife took her own life. They had been having marriage struggles and were separated, that is when she overdosed on medications. He had the impression to go over to her place and he found her gone. He has never recovered from it. He now lives with a girlfriend. She has a child and she is in love with Zach. But I'm not sure that Zach loves her that much, compared to his passed wife. What makes me sad, is that he wasn't sealed to his wife. She isn't his... not unless he fixes his life and gets sealed. I feel sorrow for him. All I see is sorrow in him. He is a heavy drinker because of it.

This Friday, I get to reunite with my best group of friends with a sleep over in SLC. Toni comes from Tennessee to visit her family here and to see us pose of best girlfriends! We are getting a hotel room, doing a sleep over, doing facials, chat about our crushes, relive memories, make new ones and ride the bike taxi's! giggles... I am so excited to go to the Temple with her too! 

I saw a memory of you Delysia. I always had a Happy Panda Day on June 27th. If that day didn't work, then I would do one on my birthday. I miss you so much! I ache a little bit because I have nothing to make you come back to me. I have nothing really to make you come back to me. I miss you so much! You brought me a lot of happiness, security, confidence. I don't know what I should do to make you come back to me. I am going to spend time with friends before and after my birthday, but it isn't the same. I want to feel like I can be myself. I think I will visit the Lord in the morning and ask Him to grant me a blessing. I don't know what that should be, but I think I will plead that a miracle can come to pass. That sounds like a great idea. I am so grateful that this year, I can go before Him and ask Him for a blessing.

... I need to be better...I hope that I'm worthy for Him to remember me enough to grant a wish of my heart..... 

....


When I did the Sunday dinner last night, I remember asking people to be a part of my life. Though, most of them never wanted to stay for very long, I know that most never forgot the feeling of kindness and peace as I freely gave of what I had to them. Often times, they quietly left my life, never to be seen again. I suppose that doesn't matter. I am in their garden of memory. They are at least in mine. I want to be more inclusive with people in my ward, until I am told to leave it.
... Soon, I will be all that I should be...

I just feel peace now telling you these things Delysia. Thank you for listening to me. Though, you don't really give me any of your opinions, I do appreciate your willingness to listen to my deep thoughts.

.... I hope that I can find more satisfaction in being a nun....

Oh, my garden is looking so beautiful. I can't wait to have my own place! I want it to be a beautiful place of lush greenery, water, flowers, the sweet scent of life and the warm fuzzies of the Spirit! ... giggles... :)