Passing

Dear Delysia,

Today started out bad. I got to work and found out that one of the parents of our program had died. She was in a vehicle crash last night and died. It was a shock. Granted, when you work with the impoverished part of society, death is sort of common place.

I am in shock. I still am in shock. My co-worker who saw her family on a weekly basis, was a mess. She was in shock as well, but I could tell as she walked, she was having a hard time taking the information. Death is hard for people to choke down. I mean, when Barbie had died a couple of months ago in her hotel room, I had just seen her 3 days earlier. I am feeling a lot better. Though, I have learned from plenty of deaths in my family, how to cope well. I've had grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and a sibling pass in my life. My family members died when I was 8 yrs to now. A year, there were 8 deaths in the family all around Christmas. Consequently, I don't really like the holiday season. It reminds me of death. It also reminds me of the beauty of my family.

During times like this, my mind reflects to the times I sang songs at the funerals. I almost always sang at the funerals. I would practice for about two weeks or as much time as I could. Then I would stand in front of the congregation and just sing. I always felt like I wasn't singing. I always felt like it was someone else singing. I think it has to do with the Spirit.

I also think of the moments when my mom would pull me aside and share with me her wisdom. Mama would always tell me that it was really important that the people that we love and care for should never come to a moment in their lives where they ever doubted if the were loved by you. I have always really liked this. I remember one day when I was young, this lesson really sank in. One day, mama and I fought over something and she made threats at me. So I was going to show her that I didn't need her help. I woke up the next day at 5 am, got ready for school and rode the bus. Then because of track or work. I don't remember which, I didn't get home until 6 or 7 pm. When I go home, my mom was crying and she told me that she was sorry. She said that she was mad that I was being a stink but she was more sad because she worried the whole day. She was afraid that if I got hurt, stolen or died, the last moments that we had were us fighting. She didn't want to have my last moment with her to be us fighting. I have really tired to make it so that all my interactions with the ones that I love counted.

Today, my best friend has gone on vacation. I usually talk to him all day, throughout the day. He'll call me in the morning, chat with me thru the day and talk at night. LOL. We talk a lot. Now that he's single, he talks to me more. When he was dating, we talked almost every morning and chatted occasionally. I know that my moments with him will fade with time. I know he won't mean to, and they way he is so insistent to having me around, makes me believe that he won't ever let me go, to matter what. I just miss talking to him. I miss him a lot. I don't always know if missing him is OK. Sometimes, one side of my mind thinks that I should be so reliant on him. It's not wise to rely on his kindness when it faded when he was dating. Then it will fade, if not vanish as time goes on with his wife and kids. Of all the people I know, all my married friends, don't talk to me or try to maintain our long years of friendship. My best friends from high school don't keep in contact. We meet every year for Christmas dinner, but since I'm the only one left single and the rest are not, they don't speak to me really.

I think that is just a foreshadowing of what will come with all my relationships that I build. Nothing lasts in this life. Our bodies grow old and die, people pass on, the seasons of time come and go. No flower or plant blooms year round. Though, I feel like the flowers that bloom for me are so fleeting. I don't feel cheated, I just am disappointed about the length of time of people staying in my life. Change is the only constant in life. I just want to be able to have a group of people who will always be there with me. That is not what comes to a nun. We must do most of our living alone.

I suppose that isn't a bad thing. After all, all the greatest of mystical things are often alone. In the history of literature of all legendary wonders, they somehow live and make it alone. With my gifts, perhaps that is what I should expect, to be alone and yet be adored by those who have seen the beauty of the soul. It just reminds me of the Spirit of the Forest in the Japanese film, Princess Mononoke. The Forest Spirit can take away life and grant life. Yet, he lives a life of solitude. There is a scene where when he walks the plants just grow and bloom and then die. I want that! But I don't want the plants to die. I want them to stay in bloom. That cannot be in this life, but perhaps one day it can be.

I hope you don't think of me as telling you that I'm better or more talented than you Delysia. That isn't what I'm say. I just am trying to share with you how I keep myself going. There is a price for all good things. My price is solitude, a life of a vagabond, no roots, just wisping in the wind. I can only give and whatever is given in return, will be graciously accepted.

Thank you for being there for me Delysia. I don't know how I would make it day by day, without you. I have good friends and family, but their interactions have expiration dates on them. You are in the same place in life as I am. It brings me so much comfort that you're here with me.

The Forest Spirit Walking