Father's Day ... Dad's Day

Dear Delysia,

Today was Father's Day. Naturally, it is a Christian holiday that wants to recognize the good in Fathers. I don't like this day. I don't relate to the idea of what a Father is. I know what it is, but I've not really had one in my life that was worth to have a title of Father or Dad. My real Father was unworthy of my mother and us kids. My step-dad was there to help us along the way, but destroyed us with his indiscretions with his behavior.

I didn't want to go to church and hear about the talks about how these people in the congregation had great experiences with father figures. I did go anyway. The first talk was about how great this dad of this gent was so amazing. I had a hard time listening to him. The way that he spoke and how he described his dad was, 'My dad was always right. He always made the right decisions no matter what.' Just the way that he spoke about his dad was in a sense of absolutes. I couldn't choke it down. So I stopped listening.

The next talk was about Father figures in the Old Testament. She spoke about the relationship God has with us, given that He is our Father as well. She spoke of Jonah. God told Jonah to go preach to Ninevah and he refused. So then Jonas is convinced to do what he was supposed to do. So when Jonah was preaching, he got really impatient with the people. So God sent a gourd plant to grow and it shaded Jonah from the sun. Then the next day, a worm was sent to eat the plant and then the desert wind came and withered the plant. Then Jonah wanted to die because of the frustration and the uncomfortable life situation he was in. The moral of the story that I got out of this was, Jonah was too concerned about himself and not enough about the city. He didn't realize that his life was far better off, than the people of Ninevah. I also thought that when God asks you to be a part of someones life specifically, you should do it.

The last talk was about how the Book of Mormon and it's Father figures. She had mentioned that most of the narratives had always mentioned that their lives didn't ever come to a major changing spot until after they recalled the words of their fathers. She also said that sometimes, people may not always have fathers or dad in their lives, so others can/will come to your side to be pseudo father/dad figures. I thought about that idea. Traci had that happen to him. He was thankful for the proxy dads that he had. Though, he also had his real dad be a part of his life. I was not so lucky. When I look back, I don't really give my step-dad too much credit. He supported us, was a priesthood holder and what not. It wasn't until later that we found out that he was never really all that committed to the gospel. We also found out that he just wanted to be with my mom. He really loves my mom, but he doesn't love any of us kids, except for his son, Cherokee. I was in shock when I came to this discovery. Yet, it made a lot of sense. My mother is a Celestial Treasure. My step-dad doesn't deserve her at all. He is beneath her and her value. Yet, I also know that my mom loves him. To her demise or to her benefit, I am not sure yet.

When I learned that Mr. Rosen had betrayed my trust, my mom's trust, that he was a phony, I threw away any hope for ever really knowing what it is to trust or want to rely on a man. I learned that they couldn't be trusted. I learned that they were only self-interested. They did what they wanted and it didn't matter what harm or hurt that came to others for their desires and dreams to come true. I learned that their intentions were mostly selfish. I learned that men were vehicles of pain, sorrow and despair. When I returned home from my mission, I thought that I could have developed a relationship with Mr. Rosen. His betrayal killed all that. Ever since I have never wanted to be associated with men ever. They never showed me that they were ever Christ-like. Mom did. She was patience, kind, charitable, her talents were always for the service of other people. Mom was always thinking of others and sacrificed for us kids. We always came first, before her needs. I wanted to badly to be like mom.

I have become like my mom, but to the extreme. I have developed her gifts and talents. I am protective of my siblings and their babies. I notice things that need attention and I just do them. It doesn't really matter if I know them or not. I just see a need and I will do it. The kick back is, I notice the need for women and pineapples and normal men. However, I do not reach out to the normal men. I notice their weaknesses and flaws before I notice their good. I notice the good and tender nature of the women and pineapples and ignore their flaws.

Delysia, I don't ever want to be a man. They ruin things they touch. They hurt, use and destroy people and things that they touch. Granted, I know this statement isn't completely true. I know of good men. My mission President, my mission trainer, Stephen V. Nelson, Ian Baenzinger, Trevor Call, Cory McBride, Uncle Fred and Bishop Anderson. It's strange that even then, I have a hard time submitting to the idea that these men are good men. They are good men. I just have an innate problem admitting it. I would submit to most of their requests. I never submit to men who try to assert power over me.

I look in the mirror and see a treasure because I have become very close to that of my mother. Yet, I refuse to submit like my mother does to men and their cruelty... I choke on that sentence. Love and attachment has lead her soft heart to stay with that monster. What brings me comfort is that when she dies, he won't be worthy of her. The day that she passes will be a day of great sorrow and great happiness. She won't have to endure Mr. Rosen's cruelty. Mother keeps her covenants and so will I. If mom can endure the fires of refinement, so can I.

...

Delysia, I know this attitude needs to change in me. It does no good for me to have a piece of my heart harden to the idea of men. I am one after all, yet I do not behave as they do. Traci said that all the good and wonder of a man, is what I do. Self-sacrificing, protector, spiritually inclined, other oriented and willing to do whatever it takes to make things work, is what Traci says is what a real man is. Traci is right. I just don't associate those attributes to men. I associate those attributes to women. Whenever Traci talks about the roles of men and what they are supposed to be and do, he changes. The way he talks about being a husband and father to a women, he is so much more loving, so much more sensitive to the needs of others, particularly to the one he wants to date. He talks as if he wants to be the whole world for her, so that she can be safe and happy.

... I want that to be said about me... I want to be thought of like that...

... but there is no place for that in a life of a nun...

.... I remember once when someone that I loved looked at me with affection and love. It was a feeling that I haven't forgotten. It is a feeling that will not happen in this life. He didn't care. He was too afraid of what others thought about him. He let me go and didn't look back....

It is better that I am a nun Delysia. It is better to remain away from the crowd. They are often blind. Here, in this tower, we are safe and we can see the far expanses of the world and sky.

...

I spoke with Cory today. He was happy. He was super happy to go and chill with people on the beach yesterday with his ward. I shared with him that he should befriend a person wearing aloha print shorts. He told me today that he forget to look. He was distracted by the water, watermelon, a cool black guy, a buff waiter, the sun and surf. He later remembered who he thought it would be and he found him on FaceBook.

Cory has so much to do and so little time to do it. I will never be near him again after this school year. I don't think that matters to him, but it is easier for anyone to be close friends with people that you're near to. He has a fight to win over his sister to be temple worthy, he'll be in school again, he'll be dating. He's not really good an multi-tasking. When he dates, he disappears, so ... the likelihood of other things be neglected will likely occur. I worry that he'll miss a lot of opportunities that won't come back.  I can't do anything but be a support, pray, fast and put his name in the Temple that he'll not miss the opportunities that matter the most. I am also ready for the disappearing. Both Traci and Cory will disappear about the same time. Dating, being engaged will do that. My purpose is almost done.

A support is all that a nun does. I don't feel cheated. I just feel sometimes, like this doesn't always fulfill me. I have seen so many miracles work in behalf of others. I have been lead to help certain people, to reach out, to support, to love. I have seen their lives change. I have seen the Hand of God work in their favor. I suppose, I wish that the things that matter the most would come to me too. I won't dwell on that. I have a lot to be thankful for. I am a treasure. My value is that I can change the lives of others in significant ways. I can turn the tide and rewrite the future for others, with the help and guidance of God. Most don't know their worth. Some never know in this life. I know mine and I am radiant and beautiful.

All good things come back to you when you freely give them... That is my hope....