Cherries on the Tree

Dear Delysia,

Yesterday I have been thinking about my relationship with Cherry Beth. As you know, it's been difficult for me to notice how he operates. I've never really believed or have known if he cares for me. I am not good at reading whether or not guys like being my friend. I know that Traci cares for me because he makes time for me, he talks to me, he asks how I am and just shows me by reaching out here and there.

When I think of that with Cherry Beth, I feel like he's not the same. Does he contact me every once in awhile? Yes. Does he ask how I'm doing? Yes. Does he make time to chat/hang out with me? Sometimes. Does he serve me? In blessings, yes. In anything else, no, not really. I did speak to him a couple of days ago, when he was asking me for advice, I asked him how he felt the three pineapples were doing in his life: Will, his sister and me.

His progress with Will seemed a little premature. He thinks Will do well, until he leaves school and moves to LA for his job. Will will fall and dates someone. With that in mind, Cherry Beth is trying to get him to the temple. I don't think that Will will decide to be worthy of that. He hasn't fought the fight needed to really stay strong. Will has only been trying to be a member for two years. Will has a lot to learn in order for him to remain strong with his situation.

His progress with his sister isn't progressing. She won't talk to him. She won't respond to any of his calls/texts/messages. His sister just won't respond. He feels like he's failing. Though I think that he hasn't really learned how to be persuasive, patience or being able to reach into another's heart and see who they are. His sister isn't ready to come back. She never has felt like the church was a place for her. She wants to feel loved and Cherry Beth isn't good at making people feel loved. I advised that he would write her letters and share with her his spiritual experiences. He hasn't really done that, nor has he had a come to Jesus talk with her about her ignoring him. 

His progress with me, he isn't sure if he's making progress. He said that I'm the only friend where he knows so much about. I am the only friend that he speaks too on a regular basis (about 2 times a week). I am the only friend where he's actively tried to be a good friend to. He said that he tries to be a friend to me as I am a friend to him. He said that he's not good at it, but he tries. I asked him if he felt like he has helped me. He said that he wasn't really sure. He said that when we disagree with our points of view with the gospel, he's always shared with me what he thought, but was discouraged that the things he said was never helpful. He felt like most of the stuff he said was helpful for him, but never for me.

With all of this, I just asked him questions and asked for him to share with me how he feels and what he thinks. I made no comments, and just asked clarifying questions. I am glad that he goes to therapy. I am glad he tries to do good on his own. I have realized that helping him never meant that the help needed to come directly from me. He has listened to most of what I had to say and has made it his own. The things that I once saw for him, some have come true, others will come to him much later in his life. He won't get married until he moves to Minnesota. He could have been married before, but that cannot be anymore. He did receive a letter from a girl that he asked me about. I advised him to be bold with her and to talk to her, listen and to give her firm advice that would come to him if he listened to her with pure intent. She wrote him a letter later expressing how that conversation happened out of a whim and that the conversation helped and saved her life. He told me that he wanted to be of serve to others more and that he was pretty sure that this would have never happened if it wasn't for me and my guidance.

I suppose he cares for me, I'm just not all that convinced. Perhaps because I won't let it be enough. Perhaps I just don't know that this is love for him. Plus, it doesn't help that out of a scale of 1-10, I'm an eleven and he's a three. I suppose it doesn't really matter if he can help me. Perhaps later in life he would be willing and able. Though, now he is not. I won't hope too much on that. I require too much work and effort. No one is able to give me what I want truly. I can probably only get that from feeling the Spirit of God.

... with that in mind, it makes me think  that I should be a hermit in the woods, with the animals, plants, wind, water and the Spirit. :D

... I am happy though. He is good to me, as best as he knows how. I treat him as good as I know how.

Feb 28, 2017

Dear Delysia,

So I have been trying really hard to things together better. I have been trying to understand the nature of God and His love. I've told you that I haven't really believed that God loves me. I think that he loves everyone very differently. He doesn't really treat us all the same.

I spoke with my Stake President, my Bishop, my Mission President and the orchids. I've come to the conclusion of a couple of things. I feel the spirit really easy. I don't really have to try hard to feel it. Because I do feel the Spirit so easily, that is probably a manifestation that God loves me. My Mission President said that there are three ways that he knows where you kind find out if God loves you:

1: When we try and serve Him by serving others with the best intentions.

2: When we pray for forgiveness and feel that He had forgiven us.

3: When we go to the Temple seeking peace and feel it.

I have felt those three things just recently. I am really service oriented. Though at times, I have been really hesitant. People don't know how to respond to kindness very well. I have prayed for forgiveness for my rebellious behavior and have tried to not be so resistant to the Spirit. And I always feel the peace of the Temple when I go. So with all that, I feel like I've known what God's love feels like, I've just not recognized that it is His love for me. I've only seen it as just warm fuzzies because I've asked for assistance and the help came in different ways.

I'm starting to realize that God has shown love for me, but I've not been in a place to recognize it. I feel like I am recognizing it better. That makes me happy.

The Trip to Las Vegas with a Drag Queen

Dear Delysia,

I am in Las Vegas. It is the President's day weekend and I am really happy that I am here. I have been staying with a good friend of mine, Peach.

Peach and I have known each other for five years now. We've got to know each other when I lived in Vegas. He and I would go out almost every weekend and just enjoy our time together! Peach has been in Las Vegas for about ten years now. He used to be in the military and Las Vegas was the last station that he had, when he retired from the service. I have learned that he and I have drifted away from each other in a lot of ways that matter the most. He doesn't believe in religion, he is living the best way he knows how. For me, I am trying to find a place and he has found his.

I came down with a guy that I don't know very well, Mae Day. She is a drag queen that I wanted to get to know better. At first when I started to meet her, I was really interested in getting to know her. She seemed really nice, real and genuinely interested in others. I have come to the conclusion that she is just really passively aggressively mean. She was putting me down the whole time I was with her as I got in drag. She was nice in the sense that she and her about the same size, she let me borrow her outfits. Yet, she was all about putting me down at the club and bars. She was just really mean. She behaved as if she was jealous that I was competition. Granted, I couldn't really tell if she was joking or not. Though, I am really tired of her rude behavior. She is just not nice. Only when she was totally drunk off her butt, was she able actually compliment me and tell me that I was pretty. This whole trip she has been really off-color in all her jokes and has just been really mean. I am happy that she has gotten along with Peach. In fact she has really enjoyed Peach. I am just not into her negativity all the time. It makes me wonder if when people really get to know me I'm a negative Nancy.

I'm come to the conclusion that Drag isn't going to be a thing for me anymore. I can't live that fantasy, it is too late. I met a lot of cool people, enjoyed the company and attention of lots of people, it's just that I can't do it anymore. It hurts a lot, my legs are killing me as well as my feet. You can't eat or drink, otherwise you'll have to undo your clothing... and that is a pain to fix. What I have missed about Drag, is the attention and people, especially the guys, be really interested in me... or rather taking the time to be interested. I really like when men take a subtle interest to the point that they are protective. I met a guy, Adam who was that way. He lead me around, made sure that I was doing alright, bought me a sprite and just was very considerate. I really appreciated that. I also really appreciated that he looked at me with affection.

But... it was just a dream and it is done. No more. I love the fantasy, I love feeling beautiful and desired. I loved looking flawless, with smooth skin, and just looking attractive. It's unfortunate that the cost to keep up with that is difficult and hard to do. The people, the environments are just not good or helpful. The most wonderful people can be found in such dive places, but that isn't always easy to do either.

I've decided that Drag is something I really have to put away forever. Yet, I yearn for a place for myself in this society, but I'm finding that that isn't true. There is no place for me. I feel like I just need to have faith and believe that what I have will be enough till it's time to go back to the heavens.

Some Frustrations

Dear Delysia,

The past week has been difficult and wonderful. When I’m in a good mood, I really like to hear the struggles of others. I just feel after my friends that have pains that they struggle with, because I’ve struggled a lot. I’ve noticed that when you come from a troubled life and that troubled hasn’t clouded your sight, you can see the clouds of pain in others. Even the ones that seem to be good and camouflaging their pain, I can see it. I see it because I’m really good at hiding my pain. Not many can see it.

On Tuesday, I learned that a co-worker has breast cancer. She’s young. She is only 24 yrs old. She cut her hair to hide the progress of her chemotherapy. She has come to peace that if they have to cut off her breast, she’ll do it. It’s just really sad to see someone struggle with cancer. My sister Krista died from it. Mom had skin cancer and so do I. Though, Mom and I will live awhile compared to my co-worker. The blessing seems to be that the type of breast cancer that my co-worker has, is the kind that is easily defeated by chemotherapy. My heart just aches for her. She is so kind to everyone. She is a beautiful girl.

Two of my friends have died just randomly from a hit-&-run car accident and an HIV infection. I forget how life can come and go at the most random of times. As it hurts me to think that I wasn’t very close to these friends, it pains me that they are gone. Though, it brings me a sense of peace that they both have family and friends that cared for them deeply and have been given the opportunity to mourn over the deaths. It reminds me that the human spirit is quite resilient. Of course, that statement isn’t new. I work with kids and families that need a lot of help. They are resilient. Though some families and kids are more adaptable than others, but for the most part, the desire to live as best they can is always a strong pulling force in all creation.

I went out to hang out with a friend of mine who is now dating. Thad and John are very happy. They bring me happiness, in the idea that they are content and happy with each other. Though, Thad and I used to be doing the same thing: being nuns. But Thad decided that being with John was the best course of action. Consequently, Thad doesn’t  like that I’m still living a nun life. He thinks that I won’t be happy in the long run. He may be right, he may be wrong. I don’t really know for sure. I do enjoy his company a lot, and it has been a year since they started dating. It makes me sad that God has allowed Thad to find love and companionship in a person and I am not allowed.

I went to the stake president to ask for advice. I told him that I don’t actually believe that God loves us all equally. He doesn’t treat us all the same. So many of us are treated so poorly compared to others. The Stake President shared with me that his thoughts were, if I wanted permanency in my life, because I don’t lack in connection in others. I have many friends, that isn’t the problem. My problem is that every relationship is temporary. I want someone to love me and cherish me, just as I have loved others and cherished them. The inspiration that I was given was, I would find peace and permanency in doing family history work. That is my calling right now in the church. I haven’t really been focused on that lately. I have had dreams about it too. So I am doing that. Though, I feel like the more I try to do to be the best person I know how, it is leading me more and more into isolation. I feel like God is isolating me.

I have a neighbor that is a pineapple. He has also chosen to date a guy. He told me awhile back that he didn’t find satisfaction in living the gospel and he didn’t find satisfaction in living an alternative lifestyle. I spoke with him about what he liked about his boyfriend. He was happy being in a relationship with a guy who respected him and cared for him as much as he cared for his boyfriend. This made me feel more and more alone. Here I am trying to live the way that I was told and here are so many others who are doing the exact opposite.

I organized the ward Temple trips. This time, I decided that doing sealings would be a good idea. They don’t take much time. I had a hard time feeling the spirit. I was having a hard time listening to the Ordinance worker talk about his marriage, how wonderful it is to seal so many other people to their families especially their wives and husbands. Kneeing at the alter and listening to the words that were said, just made it hard. I had a hard time listening or feeling the Spirit. It didn’t help too much that the Bishop was there, staring into his wife’s face as the words were said. He looked at her with such love and affection. To the normal eye, he was just looking at her. To a more trained eye, he was so in love with her. Where I was sitting, I couldn’t see her face, but I imagine she looked the same way to him.

My relationships with the orchids are in transition. Cory is leaving in a two months and is really busy with school. He wants to be dating someone seriously, or find a wife soon. Trevor is really busy with getting his business running. He is also trying to work out his relationship with his girlfriend. Their relationship has been a little bit complicated. I am not needed. They can continue with their lives happy, healthy and smiling. Trevor actually told me something really interesting. He said that he hasn’t to know the future about anything because he feels comfortable enough to have faith in God. So he doesn’t need to know what happens in the future. He’ll make things happen the best way he knows how. Cory has never really asked about the future and I don’t think he ever believed in what I have shared with him. He and I don’t counsel. He has a therapist, the leadership of the Church, and his relationship with God. I don’t think that I was ever needed with him. My relationships with a lot of the guys that I really liked are all obsolete or in transition. Stephen is in Chicago. Reid has stopped talking to me. Tom is dating. Jared was scared off by my reputation in the ward.

I got a call from my friend Kirsa. She told me that when people in my ward find out that she is friends with me and that her and I hang out, they have so many opinions. She said that people always refer to me as ‘gay Josh’. They insist that I’m gay, or that they know that I’m gay. They also think that I make really great comments in church during classes and that they like my testimony. They also think that I’m really well dressed and would love to be my friend and hang out with me. Kirsa said that almost always, when people know that she’s my friend, the conversation turns into who I am. Apparently I’m a mystery but no one has the courage to talk to me. I don’t talk to people in my ward. I only speak with a couple of people and that is it. No one speaks to me, but a handful of people. Then Kirsa said that she wanted to know if she had any thoughts about how she should respond. She said that she didn’t know and didn’t care. That is not what she thinks about when she’s with me. I just told her that she may want to ask them that if they knew that I was gay, but don’t talk to me or just assume, how could they just assume? I also suggested that if they are going to assume or identify Josh by calling him gay Josh, we should probably start identifying you by saying the short fat girl Stephanie. At least we know that your body is just that: short and fat. Kirsa said that she was tired of people telling her that about me. She wanted to address that issue and knick in the butt. She said that she was happy to be my friend and was sorry that this was happening and wanted to make sure that it didn’t happen again in the future. I was just surprised. I go to church every Sunday. I go to the Temple. Gay members don’t really go to church. There is no place in the church for gays.
This conversation with Kirsa really pissed me off. I am being isolated everywhere I go. I never used to be so overwhelmed by this whole deal. I never used to talk about this, and now I’m practically bombarded by this one piece of who I am. I can’t talk, go any place or be anywhere without people judging me. I can’t be seen in public with people, especially a guy without them assuming that there is something between me and him. That was true with Cory and Trevor. People just naturally thought that I had a crush or those guys had crushes on me, or that I was doing something devious with them. I HATE THAT! I am constantly being pushed into a box with such horrible expectations.  I am constantly the outsider, in all aspects of my life.

Is it any wonder that pineapples kill themselves? There is no place for any of us here in this world. And to hear things like, God knows what you can handle with Him, it’s a blessing that you can be strong! BULL CRAP! To live a life of exile is not happiness. Even Christ didn’t live His whole life in exile, just when He was born and the last 3 yrs of His life.


*****************************************************

I just want....

S. A. D.

Dear Delysia,

I sent myself balloons and flowers! I ate jealousy and it was delicious. I also gave chocolates and balloons to another girl, to help her, lift her, to inspire her to give Cory another chance. She was embarrassed by the delivery, her cousin told her that I sent it to her and so she told Cory to tell me thank you.

She doesn't have the decency to tell me in person. I'm happy that I sent her the white flag and she just threw it in my face. There are too many people that are so far below me. Yet, in the same breath, that isn't fair. The Savior never healed the blind in the same way. There is no pattern in His approach to healing the blind. He spits in the mud, touches their eyes, speaks to them. So therefore, God is going to treat us all differently. That would me there is no such thing as comparison. We are all too uniquely different to be fairly assessed the same way.

I want to be loved. I don't think that my mom is the only that does love me no matter what. My siblings love me, but it's not the same. Mom is an equal to me. Even though she is my mom, I do feel like she and I are the same. If mom ever rejected me, I would kill myself. I couldn't go on. No one loves me, except mom. Well, she is the only one that I believe loves me. 

I am happy and grateful that I can afford to be kind and thoughtful to myself and others. I need to be more kind to myself. I think it's sad that out of all the people that that girl knows, I, the estranged one, is the only one who would be so thoughtful.

I don't feel sad. I'm happy that my illusion is a sham. I feel special and my co-workers are wonderful to me, as much as they can be. 

The Future

Dear Delysia,

Last night, I got in a fight with Trevor. He and I were talking about his plans with the future with his gf. I felt like I was doing really well at being being very objective with my questions. I felt like I was understanding that Trevor wanted so bad that his relationship with her works, no matter what. I felt like I was understanding that he felt like he was making a lot of excuses for his gf, making excuses for himself as well. I told him that I felt like he was abusive to her and she was abusive to him. He knew that she loved him, but she was scared to be vulnerable with him, he didn't have any money so she is going to take her time to get over herself, she's sick, she's depressed because she got fired, she can't function because of this and that. Yet, in the same breath he didn't like how she didn't reassure him that she cares. He is needy. He wants her to commit to him like right now. He wants her to stop dragging her feet. At the end of the month of February he is either going to kick her to the curb on conditions she commits, makes him feel loved and gives him just a little bit more. Yet, if she doesn't then he's going to let her go, and tell her, 'I'm not taking this anymore, you need to change. I'll wait a little bit longer if you give me more attention." He said that he's trying to give her a chance. Yet, his whole relationship has been giving her a chance. He's been trying to prove himself to her for like 6 months.

So I told him that he will always be in this position: defending her every move, giving her excuses as to why she behaves poorly, he'll always feel that he's in limbo because her meds, her life situation, her mood, her disease, her this, her that! And then I shared that he either needs to learn to like this place, because she's not going to change too much from this mood. He'll need to dump her or he'll need to tell her what he needs from her. 

Then he says that he doesn't feel comfortable enough to share his feelings because then she'll be defensive and grumpy. He doesn't want to dump because there is no one in the whole city of LA for him to be interested with and date, so he wants to make sure she knows that she is the one who kicked him away, not him. The final excuse is he says that he wants to give her a chance to change, but she doesn't know his wants because he's afraid to hurt her feelings?!

So he got mad at me, told me that he was pissed at me and was going to leave. He just hung up on me. I was pissed! I don't treat him so disrespectfully. He hangs up on me all the time when he's pissed and this time I felt I was so respectful and objective. Then he texted me and said he was sorry and he was all crazy and not in the right frame of mind and needed me to just vent to.

My fault was I shared my opinions and gave him advice when he didn't ask for it. Truly, I wanted to understand his point of view and I was getting confused about where he stood. He also felt like I was putting him in a corner with all his decisions. I my mind, he was putting himself in the corner. I was just wondering why he felt like his plan was going to work. I don't want him to be unhappy or stupid. Yet I do realize that he's feeling horrible. He loves her and if she leaves, he'll be a huge mess. He'd rather be in a relationship than be single.

I told him I was sorry, he told me in a text message that he needs space from me. He doesn't feel like he can be himself with me. The irony he can't be himself with her either. So I told him to take as much time as he needs. I also interpreted the text message as him saying that he knew that I was right, but I'm the one who's going to be the bad guy, he's going to blame me and he's going to pretend that he's innocent and he's not wrong.

There is so much irony. When he gives me his advice, he does the same thing: He tells me I'm wrong. He tells me why I'm wrong. He tells me that I have no leg to stand on to complain and that I need to buck up and deal with it. I hate that, yet I don't hang up on him, throw a fit or tell him I'm done listening. I've done that 3 times. I listen to him berate me all the time. Then there are times when he asks me to help him not be so rough and mean. So when I tell him that he's rough and mean, he can't handle the pressure, he can't be himself, I'm asking too much of him. So, I told him I'll just send him books so he can slam their covers all he wants. And I'm going to be more likely to not share opinions.

I have been focusing on not depending on anyone. I don't need anyone. I'm being isolated by God anyway. I'm being told that I need to rely on Him, not the orchids, not anyone that is in my life. I have been praying to be happy with enough. I'm getting rid of things because I have too much stuff. I'm trying to have and be happy with enough: minimalism.

**************

I am in the wrong with Trevor. I'm mad that he treats her better than me. But honestly, he has a future with a woman, he doesn't have a future with me. So, I need to stop being so jealous.


***************

I shared with Trevor how I feel about Cory. Trevor said that I don't generally say critical things about Cory unless I'm in a bad mood. I told him that I wasn't in a bad mood. I was learning that Cory is getting all that needs to be who he needs to be, it's just not coming from me. It's coming from professionals and other people. I'm not the one who's in the main mess of it all. I'm just in the background. With Trevor I was in very much in the mess. Trevor told me that that is what I wanted right? He said that I didn't really like Cory and never wanted to be friends. The truth is, I did say that. I wanted my friendship to be like that of Trevor's. But my flaw was, Cory can't ever be that. Cory doesn't talk, he's straight, he's looking for a wife and adrenaline. I'm afraid that I'm too vanilla for him. Not to mention,I work a lot. What he has given me is all I'm going to get. What he has given me, is all I'm going to get. So basically my friendship is over. I've got nothing to offer him anymore. He doesn't do long distant relationships, and he doesn't really do affection to other friends.

Traci Cringer Poopupolis

Dear Delysia,

Last night, I had finished watching a film called, "13th". It's a documentary about the 13th amendment. It is a discussion on how slavery hasn't ever really ended, it has just been transformed into something else that our society accepts. After watching the film, I was sort of disturbed. I was thinking that since the government is systematically going after the poor, the uneducated and the minorities, I'm not sure that I'll be safe from the ruling rich class. The issue isn't race so much as it is the rich vs the poor. The rich have the resources to stay that way and take the resources from everyone else. And since the rich control all the resources, they control everything else. The government is in bed with big business and the watch dog of our government and business: the media, are in bed with them too.

I spoke with Traci with these ideas. We didn't really agree with much, however the most important part of the conversation was me sharing with him that I like his point of view, I don't like his delivery of the message. I felt like he talks to me like I'm stupid.

Then he said that he thinks that I am irrational, I look for differences rather than similarities and I can get stuck on particular pieces of information. But then he said that I'm one of the most patience people he's met, I'm one the most selfless people he's met, I'm one of the kindest people he's met, I'm the most developed person he's met when it come to spiritual things, and that I was the best friend he's every had.

Then he said that he wanted my help to help him recognize that not everyone is unwilling to see both sides of the story of issues. He told me that when he's talking to me like I'm dumb, that I should just tell him to shut his gopher hole. I told him that I didn't want to call him names. I wanted to be patience with him, because I like his point of view, just not his delivery. I also told him that I had a hard time interacting with him anyway. It's really hard for me to believe that a man can love, actually love someone else. My life history teaches me that men lie all the time when it comes to love and affection. I said that if the roles were reversed, would Traci and Cherry Beth do the things for me that I have done for them? I don't know. I don't like to think that thought because it makes me scared. It scares me that I've relived the mistakes my mother made with a man. It makes me believe that men are not to be trusted, it makes me believe that God can't/won't protect, guide, love me because men aren't actually able to imbue those things. And of course, I'm not in that category because I'm a unicorn.

Then Traci shared with me that when he doesn't talk to me, he gets nervous. He said he doesn't want me to feel like he doesn't care about me or this spiral of ugly lead all the way down. He said that he tries to make a point to always have contact with me because he wants me to believe how much I mean to him. He said that he loves me and doesn't want me to doubt that truth. He said that even though we don't talk as often as we used to or as long, he wants to keep in contact because he cares and loves me and understands how I feel about men. He doesn't want to be them, he wants to be the exception. He also said that I'm the one he keeps in contact the most of all the people he knows. He speaks to me more than anyone else he knows, because he cares for me.

I started crying. I didn't know that. Then I sort of felt like I'm a mess and too much work and that I didn't deserve his kindness. I told him that I was sorry for doubting. He told me that he understood and that he shared that info so that I could know that he cared. I told him that I was sorry for doubting and that I'm working on it. I also told him that the reason why I ask for reassurance is because I don't always believe he'll remain or still care for me. He said that he does care for me and will remain my friend as long as I let him.

Traci is such a wonderful blessing to me. I love him. He's been so kind to me and has treated me so kindly even when I haven't always deserved it. Yet, he still wants me to be his friend, he thinks of me often and he loves me. I want to be in a place where I can believe him always.

This is the last piece of advice Traci gave to me. I really liked it. I hope you like it too Delysia.

I love you.