Last night, I had finished watching a film called, "13th". It's a documentary about the 13th amendment. It is a discussion on how slavery hasn't ever really ended, it has just been transformed into something else that our society accepts. After watching the film, I was sort of disturbed. I was thinking that since the government is systematically going after the poor, the uneducated and the minorities, I'm not sure that I'll be safe from the ruling rich class. The issue isn't race so much as it is the rich vs the poor. The rich have the resources to stay that way and take the resources from everyone else. And since the rich control all the resources, they control everything else. The government is in bed with big business and the watch dog of our government and business: the media, are in bed with them too.
I spoke with Traci with these ideas. We didn't really agree with much, however the most important part of the conversation was me sharing with him that I like his point of view, I don't like his delivery of the message. I felt like he talks to me like I'm stupid.
Then he said that he thinks that I am irrational, I look for differences rather than similarities and I can get stuck on particular pieces of information. But then he said that I'm one of the most patience people he's met, I'm one the most selfless people he's met, I'm one of the kindest people he's met, I'm the most developed person he's met when it come to spiritual things, and that I was the best friend he's every had.
Then he said that he wanted my help to help him recognize that not everyone is unwilling to see both sides of the story of issues. He told me that when he's talking to me like I'm dumb, that I should just tell him to shut his gopher hole. I told him that I didn't want to call him names. I wanted to be patience with him, because I like his point of view, just not his delivery. I also told him that I had a hard time interacting with him anyway. It's really hard for me to believe that a man can love, actually love someone else. My life history teaches me that men lie all the time when it comes to love and affection. I said that if the roles were reversed, would Traci and Cherry Beth do the things for me that I have done for them? I don't know. I don't like to think that thought because it makes me scared. It scares me that I've relived the mistakes my mother made with a man. It makes me believe that men are not to be trusted, it makes me believe that God can't/won't protect, guide, love me because men aren't actually able to imbue those things. And of course, I'm not in that category because I'm a unicorn.
Then Traci shared with me that when he doesn't talk to me, he gets nervous. He said he doesn't want me to feel like he doesn't care about me or this spiral of ugly lead all the way down. He said that he tries to make a point to always have contact with me because he wants me to believe how much I mean to him. He said that he loves me and doesn't want me to doubt that truth. He said that even though we don't talk as often as we used to or as long, he wants to keep in contact because he cares and loves me and understands how I feel about men. He doesn't want to be them, he wants to be the exception. He also said that I'm the one he keeps in contact the most of all the people he knows. He speaks to me more than anyone else he knows, because he cares for me.
I started crying. I didn't know that. Then I sort of felt like I'm a mess and too much work and that I didn't deserve his kindness. I told him that I was sorry for doubting. He told me that he understood and that he shared that info so that I could know that he cared. I told him that I was sorry for doubting and that I'm working on it. I also told him that the reason why I ask for reassurance is because I don't always believe he'll remain or still care for me. He said that he does care for me and will remain my friend as long as I let him.
Traci is such a wonderful blessing to me. I love him. He's been so kind to me and has treated me so kindly even when I haven't always deserved it. Yet, he still wants me to be his friend, he thinks of me often and he loves me. I want to be in a place where I can believe him always.
This is the last piece of advice Traci gave to me. I really liked it. I hope you like it too Delysia.
I love you.
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