Some Frustrations

Dear Delysia,

The past week has been difficult and wonderful. When I’m in a good mood, I really like to hear the struggles of others. I just feel after my friends that have pains that they struggle with, because I’ve struggled a lot. I’ve noticed that when you come from a troubled life and that troubled hasn’t clouded your sight, you can see the clouds of pain in others. Even the ones that seem to be good and camouflaging their pain, I can see it. I see it because I’m really good at hiding my pain. Not many can see it.

On Tuesday, I learned that a co-worker has breast cancer. She’s young. She is only 24 yrs old. She cut her hair to hide the progress of her chemotherapy. She has come to peace that if they have to cut off her breast, she’ll do it. It’s just really sad to see someone struggle with cancer. My sister Krista died from it. Mom had skin cancer and so do I. Though, Mom and I will live awhile compared to my co-worker. The blessing seems to be that the type of breast cancer that my co-worker has, is the kind that is easily defeated by chemotherapy. My heart just aches for her. She is so kind to everyone. She is a beautiful girl.

Two of my friends have died just randomly from a hit-&-run car accident and an HIV infection. I forget how life can come and go at the most random of times. As it hurts me to think that I wasn’t very close to these friends, it pains me that they are gone. Though, it brings me a sense of peace that they both have family and friends that cared for them deeply and have been given the opportunity to mourn over the deaths. It reminds me that the human spirit is quite resilient. Of course, that statement isn’t new. I work with kids and families that need a lot of help. They are resilient. Though some families and kids are more adaptable than others, but for the most part, the desire to live as best they can is always a strong pulling force in all creation.

I went out to hang out with a friend of mine who is now dating. Thad and John are very happy. They bring me happiness, in the idea that they are content and happy with each other. Though, Thad and I used to be doing the same thing: being nuns. But Thad decided that being with John was the best course of action. Consequently, Thad doesn’t  like that I’m still living a nun life. He thinks that I won’t be happy in the long run. He may be right, he may be wrong. I don’t really know for sure. I do enjoy his company a lot, and it has been a year since they started dating. It makes me sad that God has allowed Thad to find love and companionship in a person and I am not allowed.

I went to the stake president to ask for advice. I told him that I don’t actually believe that God loves us all equally. He doesn’t treat us all the same. So many of us are treated so poorly compared to others. The Stake President shared with me that his thoughts were, if I wanted permanency in my life, because I don’t lack in connection in others. I have many friends, that isn’t the problem. My problem is that every relationship is temporary. I want someone to love me and cherish me, just as I have loved others and cherished them. The inspiration that I was given was, I would find peace and permanency in doing family history work. That is my calling right now in the church. I haven’t really been focused on that lately. I have had dreams about it too. So I am doing that. Though, I feel like the more I try to do to be the best person I know how, it is leading me more and more into isolation. I feel like God is isolating me.

I have a neighbor that is a pineapple. He has also chosen to date a guy. He told me awhile back that he didn’t find satisfaction in living the gospel and he didn’t find satisfaction in living an alternative lifestyle. I spoke with him about what he liked about his boyfriend. He was happy being in a relationship with a guy who respected him and cared for him as much as he cared for his boyfriend. This made me feel more and more alone. Here I am trying to live the way that I was told and here are so many others who are doing the exact opposite.

I organized the ward Temple trips. This time, I decided that doing sealings would be a good idea. They don’t take much time. I had a hard time feeling the spirit. I was having a hard time listening to the Ordinance worker talk about his marriage, how wonderful it is to seal so many other people to their families especially their wives and husbands. Kneeing at the alter and listening to the words that were said, just made it hard. I had a hard time listening or feeling the Spirit. It didn’t help too much that the Bishop was there, staring into his wife’s face as the words were said. He looked at her with such love and affection. To the normal eye, he was just looking at her. To a more trained eye, he was so in love with her. Where I was sitting, I couldn’t see her face, but I imagine she looked the same way to him.

My relationships with the orchids are in transition. Cory is leaving in a two months and is really busy with school. He wants to be dating someone seriously, or find a wife soon. Trevor is really busy with getting his business running. He is also trying to work out his relationship with his girlfriend. Their relationship has been a little bit complicated. I am not needed. They can continue with their lives happy, healthy and smiling. Trevor actually told me something really interesting. He said that he hasn’t to know the future about anything because he feels comfortable enough to have faith in God. So he doesn’t need to know what happens in the future. He’ll make things happen the best way he knows how. Cory has never really asked about the future and I don’t think he ever believed in what I have shared with him. He and I don’t counsel. He has a therapist, the leadership of the Church, and his relationship with God. I don’t think that I was ever needed with him. My relationships with a lot of the guys that I really liked are all obsolete or in transition. Stephen is in Chicago. Reid has stopped talking to me. Tom is dating. Jared was scared off by my reputation in the ward.

I got a call from my friend Kirsa. She told me that when people in my ward find out that she is friends with me and that her and I hang out, they have so many opinions. She said that people always refer to me as ‘gay Josh’. They insist that I’m gay, or that they know that I’m gay. They also think that I make really great comments in church during classes and that they like my testimony. They also think that I’m really well dressed and would love to be my friend and hang out with me. Kirsa said that almost always, when people know that she’s my friend, the conversation turns into who I am. Apparently I’m a mystery but no one has the courage to talk to me. I don’t talk to people in my ward. I only speak with a couple of people and that is it. No one speaks to me, but a handful of people. Then Kirsa said that she wanted to know if she had any thoughts about how she should respond. She said that she didn’t know and didn’t care. That is not what she thinks about when she’s with me. I just told her that she may want to ask them that if they knew that I was gay, but don’t talk to me or just assume, how could they just assume? I also suggested that if they are going to assume or identify Josh by calling him gay Josh, we should probably start identifying you by saying the short fat girl Stephanie. At least we know that your body is just that: short and fat. Kirsa said that she was tired of people telling her that about me. She wanted to address that issue and knick in the butt. She said that she was happy to be my friend and was sorry that this was happening and wanted to make sure that it didn’t happen again in the future. I was just surprised. I go to church every Sunday. I go to the Temple. Gay members don’t really go to church. There is no place in the church for gays.
This conversation with Kirsa really pissed me off. I am being isolated everywhere I go. I never used to be so overwhelmed by this whole deal. I never used to talk about this, and now I’m practically bombarded by this one piece of who I am. I can’t talk, go any place or be anywhere without people judging me. I can’t be seen in public with people, especially a guy without them assuming that there is something between me and him. That was true with Cory and Trevor. People just naturally thought that I had a crush or those guys had crushes on me, or that I was doing something devious with them. I HATE THAT! I am constantly being pushed into a box with such horrible expectations.  I am constantly the outsider, in all aspects of my life.

Is it any wonder that pineapples kill themselves? There is no place for any of us here in this world. And to hear things like, God knows what you can handle with Him, it’s a blessing that you can be strong! BULL CRAP! To live a life of exile is not happiness. Even Christ didn’t live His whole life in exile, just when He was born and the last 3 yrs of His life.


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I just want....