The Future

Dear Delysia,

Last night, I got in a fight with Trevor. He and I were talking about his plans with the future with his gf. I felt like I was doing really well at being being very objective with my questions. I felt like I was understanding that Trevor wanted so bad that his relationship with her works, no matter what. I felt like I was understanding that he felt like he was making a lot of excuses for his gf, making excuses for himself as well. I told him that I felt like he was abusive to her and she was abusive to him. He knew that she loved him, but she was scared to be vulnerable with him, he didn't have any money so she is going to take her time to get over herself, she's sick, she's depressed because she got fired, she can't function because of this and that. Yet, in the same breath he didn't like how she didn't reassure him that she cares. He is needy. He wants her to commit to him like right now. He wants her to stop dragging her feet. At the end of the month of February he is either going to kick her to the curb on conditions she commits, makes him feel loved and gives him just a little bit more. Yet, if she doesn't then he's going to let her go, and tell her, 'I'm not taking this anymore, you need to change. I'll wait a little bit longer if you give me more attention." He said that he's trying to give her a chance. Yet, his whole relationship has been giving her a chance. He's been trying to prove himself to her for like 6 months.

So I told him that he will always be in this position: defending her every move, giving her excuses as to why she behaves poorly, he'll always feel that he's in limbo because her meds, her life situation, her mood, her disease, her this, her that! And then I shared that he either needs to learn to like this place, because she's not going to change too much from this mood. He'll need to dump her or he'll need to tell her what he needs from her. 

Then he says that he doesn't feel comfortable enough to share his feelings because then she'll be defensive and grumpy. He doesn't want to dump because there is no one in the whole city of LA for him to be interested with and date, so he wants to make sure she knows that she is the one who kicked him away, not him. The final excuse is he says that he wants to give her a chance to change, but she doesn't know his wants because he's afraid to hurt her feelings?!

So he got mad at me, told me that he was pissed at me and was going to leave. He just hung up on me. I was pissed! I don't treat him so disrespectfully. He hangs up on me all the time when he's pissed and this time I felt I was so respectful and objective. Then he texted me and said he was sorry and he was all crazy and not in the right frame of mind and needed me to just vent to.

My fault was I shared my opinions and gave him advice when he didn't ask for it. Truly, I wanted to understand his point of view and I was getting confused about where he stood. He also felt like I was putting him in a corner with all his decisions. I my mind, he was putting himself in the corner. I was just wondering why he felt like his plan was going to work. I don't want him to be unhappy or stupid. Yet I do realize that he's feeling horrible. He loves her and if she leaves, he'll be a huge mess. He'd rather be in a relationship than be single.

I told him I was sorry, he told me in a text message that he needs space from me. He doesn't feel like he can be himself with me. The irony he can't be himself with her either. So I told him to take as much time as he needs. I also interpreted the text message as him saying that he knew that I was right, but I'm the one who's going to be the bad guy, he's going to blame me and he's going to pretend that he's innocent and he's not wrong.

There is so much irony. When he gives me his advice, he does the same thing: He tells me I'm wrong. He tells me why I'm wrong. He tells me that I have no leg to stand on to complain and that I need to buck up and deal with it. I hate that, yet I don't hang up on him, throw a fit or tell him I'm done listening. I've done that 3 times. I listen to him berate me all the time. Then there are times when he asks me to help him not be so rough and mean. So when I tell him that he's rough and mean, he can't handle the pressure, he can't be himself, I'm asking too much of him. So, I told him I'll just send him books so he can slam their covers all he wants. And I'm going to be more likely to not share opinions.

I have been focusing on not depending on anyone. I don't need anyone. I'm being isolated by God anyway. I'm being told that I need to rely on Him, not the orchids, not anyone that is in my life. I have been praying to be happy with enough. I'm getting rid of things because I have too much stuff. I'm trying to have and be happy with enough: minimalism.

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I am in the wrong with Trevor. I'm mad that he treats her better than me. But honestly, he has a future with a woman, he doesn't have a future with me. So, I need to stop being so jealous.


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I shared with Trevor how I feel about Cory. Trevor said that I don't generally say critical things about Cory unless I'm in a bad mood. I told him that I wasn't in a bad mood. I was learning that Cory is getting all that needs to be who he needs to be, it's just not coming from me. It's coming from professionals and other people. I'm not the one who's in the main mess of it all. I'm just in the background. With Trevor I was in very much in the mess. Trevor told me that that is what I wanted right? He said that I didn't really like Cory and never wanted to be friends. The truth is, I did say that. I wanted my friendship to be like that of Trevor's. But my flaw was, Cory can't ever be that. Cory doesn't talk, he's straight, he's looking for a wife and adrenaline. I'm afraid that I'm too vanilla for him. Not to mention,I work a lot. What he has given me is all I'm going to get. What he has given me, is all I'm going to get. So basically my friendship is over. I've got nothing to offer him anymore. He doesn't do long distant relationships, and he doesn't really do affection to other friends.