S. A. D.

Dear Delysia,

I sent myself balloons and flowers! I ate jealousy and it was delicious. I also gave chocolates and balloons to another girl, to help her, lift her, to inspire her to give Cory another chance. She was embarrassed by the delivery, her cousin told her that I sent it to her and so she told Cory to tell me thank you.

She doesn't have the decency to tell me in person. I'm happy that I sent her the white flag and she just threw it in my face. There are too many people that are so far below me. Yet, in the same breath, that isn't fair. The Savior never healed the blind in the same way. There is no pattern in His approach to healing the blind. He spits in the mud, touches their eyes, speaks to them. So therefore, God is going to treat us all differently. That would me there is no such thing as comparison. We are all too uniquely different to be fairly assessed the same way.

I want to be loved. I don't think that my mom is the only that does love me no matter what. My siblings love me, but it's not the same. Mom is an equal to me. Even though she is my mom, I do feel like she and I are the same. If mom ever rejected me, I would kill myself. I couldn't go on. No one loves me, except mom. Well, she is the only one that I believe loves me. 

I am happy and grateful that I can afford to be kind and thoughtful to myself and others. I need to be more kind to myself. I think it's sad that out of all the people that that girl knows, I, the estranged one, is the only one who would be so thoughtful.

I don't feel sad. I'm happy that my illusion is a sham. I feel special and my co-workers are wonderful to me, as much as they can be.