The atmosphere of the USA

Dear Delysia,

Today I had a great conversation with my co-workers about the atmosphere of the country at this time. From 1625 – 1865, slavery was in full force for 265 years. Then from 1865 – 1964, segregation was fully active for 99 years. Then from 1964- 2017, we as the minority that wasn’t a white male, have been free. That has only been for 50 years of freedom.

Listening to the lives of my co-workers who are in their early 30’s to late 50’s remember very vivid experiences about racist behavior. I work with a man in his 40’s who is from Africa. He explained some very ignorant and very hurtful situations where people didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s black. I work with another woman who is from Fiji, with a dark complexion. She spoke about how she got hit by a car behind her and pushed her into on-coming traffic. The people that hit her, were white students going to the university. She called the college kids insurance and they said they were not going to pay for the damage because of the police report. She found out that the police had written a report that stated that she was the cause of the accident. So she called and spoke with the police officers supervisor and threatened legal action against them. The police officer than called back and apologized for his incorrect police report of the accident. Another woman, grew up near the beach in California. She remember having one young man in her school, who was black. She remembers that no one would really speak to him or the treated him poorly. She remembers going to a school dance and being the only one who was willing to dance with him. She got a lot of grief for it, but she did it. During her time, the minorities lived inland. They didn’t live near the beach.

Listening to these stories scares me a bit. The way that the USA has been going as far as with equality rights and just human rights, is scaring me. I’m a minority, where there are tons of white people and very conservative. It sort of scares me that I’m a brown, male, that is a pineapple. It makes me feel very uncomfortable that I’m not close to my family really, I don’t have anyone really in my corner. It scares me a lot to be alone and with no one that I feel like I can rely on. I am not sure that I can rely on the church so much as on those pineapple friends that I’ve maintained.

… I’m a little bit disturbed. I am really uncomfortable with the future. I feel like my life is getting fewer and fewer options to be happy, or comfortable or the best part of my life is now and not later.

A thought today

Dear Delysia,

The past week has been a little bit difficult. Not as difficult as last week. This week, I'm just floating along, trying to keep myself together.

One, I've just not had the energy to be happy around others. On Sunday, I basically told a friend that I was gay, without actually telling her that. I told her that I was unhappy and unsatisfied because there was no place for me to go. She was very sympathetic. She gave me a hug and said that she loved me and appreciated her friendship with me. We hugged a long time and she just told me she cared. It was nice.

The interesting about that whole situation is, I know her pain just as much as she knows mine. Because I've experienced those feelings of being lost, abandoned but trying to remain strong in the midst of pain, I can see it in her because I've done the same things she has done. I've painted a smile on my see of pain. Though, there is a guy in my ward that I think would be so good for her. His name is Tom. I am very impressed with him. He is kind, thoughtful for the most part, considerate and has always shown interest in me. I think he would be such a wonderful match for her: Kristin. Though, he was struggling with her because she has pushed him away a little bit. So I told Tom I would encourage her for him. I went up to her and offered some advice. I told her that she may find more peace in encouraging and focusing on the Unknown Heavens and disregarding the Familiar Hell's. I also told Tom that he is a dream come true and because he is, she'll be afraid of him. She has never experienced or known what a good supportive man is. He needs to show her because she is definitely worth it, but she'll need time to figure it out for herself. He said he would be and he liked the perspective. I pray that they can work out! He's a good man and she is a good woman.

Two, Boo Boo is dating a man that I have grown to adore and loathe. He is wonderful! He is perfect in my mind. He's tall, built, kind, sweet, anticipates need and is considerate and sensitive to needs. All the times that I have interacted with him, I've been quite impressed with him. He's young and uneducated, but he makes up for that with his sense of understanding. I want to date him so bad or date someone just like him! Because I sort of have a crush on him, I can't stand him being around me and my group of friends. It's hard to put my feelings away for him. I want so badly to date him. I want a man like him to date me. I want a man to find me and love me as much as I would love him! I try really hard not to be bitter about the happiness that she and he have found.

Three, I spoke with Cory and told him how I was doing, which wasn't that great. He had told me prior to meeting me at the girls house, that he wasn't very happy with me because he looks up to me. I was so confused by that. I don't know why he would look up to me. I'm nobody in his life, I think. So we spoke outside in the cold and he asked me how I was doing. I told him that he could have all the favors that I had collected. I told him that I was just upset about my situation, but that I wasn't really going to talk to him about my feelings of being tortured and being cast to live a vagabond life on the island of misfit toys. He told me that he wanted to go to lunch and I said that I didn't want to be around him. He was sad and said that he wanted me to change my mind. I wasn't in the mood to enjoy his company. His life has been pretty easy and a breeze. He hasn't really had too many challenges, so I have a hard time when he starts talking about God and love and the Savior... and how wonderful they are. I don't really agree. As he spouted all these ideas of what he felt helped him, I didn't feel all that much better. He acknowledged that he didn't know what could help me. He said that every time he tried to give me advice that would help him, it doesn't help me, so he's a little stumped. I told him that I appreciated his efforts, but I don't believe that God treats us all the same. He is cruel to so many of us and so kind to so little of us. With that idea, I don't want to be like Him. He's mean to me in my mind and he's been mean to my family. When we've really done all that He has asked, He's swung in and ruined our lives. I went on a mission and came home to a shattered family, hearts and homes. I went on a mission and was abused, ridiculed and mocked from my fellow missionaries and the members in the area. I have remained kind, caring, sweet and considerate towards most people given my upbringing. Men, are a different story... I'm not that nice to them. I treat them with distance. I don't trust them. Men are not to be trusted. Naturally that attitude translates to God. He is after all a man and it makes me uncomfortable.

So talking and being with Cory just makes me feel sick, angry and jealous. Why I am asked to wade in poop and scratch through mud and barbed wire trying to survive and Cory is sliding on skis enjoy the joys of life and I'm trying to stay alive and not cutting my writs. He is kind to me as much as he can and knows how. He did tell me that I'm far more developed  than most people in things of spirituality. He said there is such good things in me. He tries hard and I appreciate his effort.

Fourth, Traci is harsh with me. I feel like he's ignoring me a lot. Granted he's in a financial funk. His relationship with that monster of a girl is really slow. She is broken in so many ways, yet he loves her so he stays with that diseased wretch. But he is also trying to make his dream come true with his business. So he doesn't really have time for me, I feel like. He found a lot of time when he was hurting and I made time for him all the times he asked for it. Yet, when I'm in need, he's very unavailable. Granted, I get that his business is really important. I just feel neglected. I am just as busy as he is and I made all the time he needed.

But the nicest thing he said to me was, "Maybe the reason why Cory, Caitlynn and myself have been hard on you is because you're better than us and you can't waver." Then he said that my spiritual gifts are more developed  than most people. He said that whenever we perceive strength, we want it to succeed because if it doesn't, how will we do it? He then said that we either have to rise up and be stronger or assume we weren't as strong. So he said that I can do it. 

I cried hearing that. Traci really took me to the fire pit and racked me around on it. His point of view is always harsh. But I appreciate his willingness to try and help me.

I'm in a funk and I will try to get out of it. Traci told me to find purpose, and my sole purpose isn't the orchids. My purpose is and can be more.

I'm trying Delysia... thank you for listening.

Ruin your life

Dear Delysia,

Understand that life is not a straight line. Life is not a set timeline of milestones. It is okay if you don’t finish school, get married, find a job that supports you, have a family, make money, and live comfortably all by this age, or that age. It’s okay if you do, as long as you understand that if you’re not married by 25, or a Vice President by 30 — or even happy, for that matter — the world isn’t going to condemn you. You are allowed to backtrack. You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. We choose a program right out of high school because the proper thing to do is to go straight to University. We choose a job right out of University, even if we didn’t love our program, because we just invested time into it. We go to that job every morning because we feel the need to support ourselves abundantly. We take the next step, and the next step, and the next step, thinking that we are fulfilling some checklist for life, and one day we wake up depressed. We wake up stressed out. We feel pressured and don’t know why. That is how you ruin your life.

You ruin your life by choosing the wrong person. What is it with our need to fast-track relationships? Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies? Trust me when I say that a love bred out of convenience, a love that blossoms from the need to sleep beside someone, a love that caters to our need for attention rather than passion, is a love that will not inspire you at 6am when you roll over and embrace it. Strive to discover foundational love, the kind of relationship that motivates you to be a better man or woman, the kind of intimacy that is rare rather than right there. “But I don’t want to be alone,” we often exclaim. Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Wait for it. Please, I urge you to wait for it, to fight for it, to make an effort for it if you have already found it, because it is the most beautiful thing your heart will experience.

You ruin your life by letting your past govern it. It is common for certain things in life to happen to you. There will be heartbreak, confusion, days where you feel like you aren’t special or purposeful. There are moments that will stay with you, words that will stick. You cannot let these define you – they were simply moments, they were simply words. If you allow for every negative event in your life to outline how you view yourself, you will view the world around you negatively. You will miss out on opportunities because you didn’t get that promotion five years ago, convincing yourself that you were stupid. You will miss out on affection because you assumed your past love left you because you weren’t good enough, and now you don’t believe the man or the woman who urges you to believe you are. This is a cyclic, self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future with that lens, and nothing will be able to breach that judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that shouldn’t have existed in the first place.

You ruin your life when you compare yourself to others. The amount of Instagram followers you have does not decrease or increase your value. The amount of money in your bank account will not influence your compassion, your intelligence, or your happiness. The person who has two times more possessions than you does not have double the bliss, or double the merit. We get caught up in what our friends are liking, who our significant others are following, and at the end of the day this not only ruins our lives, but it also ruins us. It creates within us this need to feel important, and in many cases we often put others down to achieve that.

You ruin your life by desensitizing yourself. We are all afraid to say too much, to feel too deeply, to let people know what they mean to us. Caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how special they are to you will make you vulnerable. There is no denying that. However, that is nothing to be ashamed of. There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. Let that girl know that she inspires you. Tell your mother you love her in front of your friends. Express, express, express. Open yourself up, do not harden yourself to the world, and be bold in who, and how, you love. There is courage in that.

You ruin your life by tolerating it. At the end of the day you should be excited to be alive. When you settle for anything less than what you innately desire, you destroy the possibility that lives inside of you, and in that way you cheat both yourself and the world of your potential. The next Michelangelo could be sitting behind a Macbook right now writing an invoice for paperclips, because it pays the bills, or because it is comfortable, or because he can tolerate it. Do not let this happen to you. Do not ruin your life this way. Life and work, and life and love, are not irrespective of each other. They are intrinsically linked. We have to strive to do extraordinary work, we have to strive to find extraordinary love. Only then will we tap into an extraordinarily blissful life.

Pineapple Dreams

Dear Delysia,

I am sorry that I haven’t written to you lately. I have been in a awful mood for the past week or so. I’ve been feeling really bitter and wallowing in self-pity and hatred. Of course it is really about the same things over and over: being a pineapple.

I scheduled an appointment with my Bishop and that wasn’t that great. He told me that I needed to look to others that have gone through similar things that I am now: being single for this mortal experience. I was upset about it because people like Sheri Dew, made it because they have a hope that things will work out in this life. She is encouraged to date, she isn’t risking her salvation to want to think about dating,  she isn’t risking her salvation to go on dates or entertain the idea of being married. I do! She loneliness is easier to deal with given that she has some control and hope to deal with. I am not given any hope in this life. The only hope that is given to me is that God and the Atonement will make things right in the end: when I die.

I also told my Bishop that I hate that I’m having to live a higher life, without any permanent support like he is or any of the leadership. All the local leadership and the general leadership are all married, or at least the men are. The women in the general leadership have had women that were never married. Yet, it is only the women that are allowed to be in leadership without marriage. Men have to be married. What that tells me is that these men have no idea what it is like to be single for their entire lifetime. They also aren’t allowed to experience what that would be like and then stand in front of the world congregation and tell me that being a nun is a possibility. Apparently that life is only suitable for women because they do it. The men don’t. So it makes me mad that the Bishop sits in a judgment seat and tells me that living a deprived life is possible when he can’t even know what that is like and he will never know!

He told me that I have friends and he doesn’t have any. Then he asked me to ask him how many friends he has that care for him. I asked him. He told me that he only has his wife. I told him that was his choice. There are plenty of people around in his life that he could be friends with, but he has chosen to focus only on his wife. Why would he just focus on her? Because she is permanent, friends are not because they are all looking for the same thing: to be loved by someone that they love and that will stay. I have lots of friends, like leaves that blow in the wind. They don’t stay, the wind takes them away. There is no permanency with the relationships that I build. They are more like fillers of time and resources, but they don’t stay.

I also told him that I didn’t even want my reward to be the same as his. I don’t even know that I want to be married when I die in the next life if I’m denied it here and now. Why would I want the same reward as him? He gets to enjoy the blessings of having a family and companion and I have to live life without it. If I have to learn to live without it now, why would I want it in the next life? I wouldn’t. I would want something better. I don’t want something dangled in my face and then all of a sudden you can have it now! No, I don’t want that. Then the Bishop responded with the consequence of being an angel because Gods have to be married. That response pissed me off. Again, I’m being denied equality and fairness from a ‘fair and loving’ God.

Then he told me that I was being very judgmental of the leadership and their trials. I said that I agreed. Then he told me that I need to have hope and have a better relationship with the Savior. I said that I had no desire to do that. His response was then if I chose not to do that, then I’ll always be in the hurt place. He asked me then to try and continue to do what I’m supposed to: read the scriptures, pray, go to the temple. I said I would continue doing that. I was also done listening to him. He was telling me things that I didn’t want to hear nor did it give me any help or solace. I want to be loved and cared for by another man. Telling me that God, the great spirit in the sky, that He loves me doesn’t work. I don’t believe that He does, not do I feel like He’s very loving being anyway. He plays favorites and is cruel. I want something that is more tangible than the rhetoric of whisperings of straight men and women who were white and prayed and some were answered and some were not.

Then I shared my feelings with Traci and Boo Boo. I fought with both of those two. Boo Boo told me that I needed to understand that everyone is struggling with the idea of wanting to find companionship. She yelled and started crying because I told her that Sheri Dew wasn’t a good enough example because she’s a woman and the comparison wasn’t the same with me as a gay man. I felt bad because I hurt her feelings. But sharing those types of feelings of inequality of women with her is a sensitive subject. Yet, I have no sympathy for her or the Cooper girls. Boo Boo is going on dates with two guys. What is she worried about? She has more control of what can happen than I do. I have not control or choice in the matter of being alone. And there seems to be no amount of compensation that is worthwhile in this life. I have to wait till I’m dead to see the fruits of my deprived existence. I don’t feel bad for her. She has so much in her power to fulfill that sadness and deprived feeling that we all have. She can date, love and get married without risking her salvation. That feeling of desperation and loneliness will go away or be swallowed up in the idea that she did everything in her power to make it happen. She can feel accomplished that she did everything in her power to make in happen whether or not it did, she could feel like she did her best and could eventually come to terms or look up to Sheri Dew and live. There are no examples of gay men being single for the rest of their lives, living happy, faithful lives. The only examples that I’ve seen are them killing themselves or leaving the church and living in sin. I have met on man who has remained single and celibate for his whole life. He isn’t happy. He has tried his hardest to make things work and he says that he survives, but doesn’t thrive. He has told me as he has aged that the yearning for love and companionship gets harder and harder to resist. The ache of loneliness increases and there is no peace to it, just distraction with work and service. But those are not solutions, they are distractions.  So Boo Boo and I fought.

Then Traci just told me that I need to leave the church because I’m miserable and there is no solution without change happening. Since I’m not willing to get over it and the church isn’t changing, it would be better for me to just leave the church. Then he told me that I am choosing to be miserable and I’m the one that isn’t thinking clearly about the whole situation. He told me that even though there aren’t much success in the gay example, there are plenty of single people who have chosen to live full, happy lives and have been single. He said that I need to either choose to be happy with what I have or find something that will make me happy and the church isn’t the place for me. He also told me that I have a very warped idea of marriage and I devalue the experiences of others because I’ve decided that being single is the worst fate that anyone could have. He said that I am wrong in thinking that. He said that just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you’ll feel loved, cared for and supported. I said you’re right, but at least you’re in an environment where that could occur. Why get married if you didn’t love, care and want to support that person? Then Traci just told me that I’m wrong in my thought processes and I’ll always be miserable if I continue on the path I’m on. He also told me that I’m too obsessed with this topic. There is more to life than this.

I was pissed off by this. Though I appreciate his point of view. I also appreciate Boo Boo’s thoughts as well. I just get mad when straight people try to equalize the situation when it can’t be equalized with them. They don’t know what it’s like to be denied a choice. There is no choice for me. There is a choice for them and they have the power to make something happen even if it doesn’t end up in marriage.

Afterwards, I told Traci and I’m going to isolate myself. I told him that when I share my feelings with him about being a pineapple, we fight. When I share my feelings with Boo Boo, we fight. When I share my feelings with Cherry Beth, he ignores me. So I’m not going to tell them anything about it because I don’t feel supported by them, I feel judged and condemned by them because they feel I’m over exaggerating my situation and I’m being unfair about their situations. So I’m going to tell them nothing.

I have also have decided that praying for death is all that I’m going to ask God. I don’t want anything else. I don’t want anything else from Him but death. I’m tired of hearing ‘it will work out in the end’. Read the scriptures, things do work out, when you die or 500 yrs later. In the mean time, deal with the shit and die in it because when you die, that’s when you are no longer in the shit. I’m not going to kill myself, but I do want to die in my sleep. So that is my goal for the next year, to die by divine intervention.  I have also decided that I’m done developing a relationship with Traci, Cory Beth and Boo Boo. I don’t need to develop deep relationships with anyone. They’ll just blow away anyways, so no need for anything permanent. Everything ends, so I look forward to the ends and the season of my life to end.

Thank you Delysia for listening to me and not judging me. I appreciate that you care and love me. I’ve learned that all the things that I want will not come true until I die, so I want death. No one can be relied upon except you and my mama. There is no one else but filler. Because of that, I will be better at fostering our relationship. I love you. 

All Mine

My heart isn't acting like I want

The sound of my heartbeat gets faster

I can't talk the way that I want

I can't follow my heart

When I look into your eyes

My heart jumps over the wall of space and time

I'll you you in my arms and dive

The Rainbow

The Ocean

Even the Sun is all Mine.

...the whole world is all mine.

Your lips speak magic

A fantasy has bloomed

A picture of a dream

Hold it tight in your strong hands, without knowing my heart. 

With scented words you whispered in my ears

All the fantasies that I see right now, is it mine?

Please, hold tight to my hand

We're jumping over the wall of space and time

Hold my hand and fly

The White Cloud

The Wind

Even the Scent is all Mine.

It's a love that I dream of

Above the sky, the end of the oceans, wherever I look

It's so beautiful

I can't take my eyes off of it

It spreads even in my dream

My heart flutters all night

I can't sleep

... please be forever even if I close my eyes... 

Your Voice

Your Eyes

Even your Embrace is all Mine

Lunch with Ty and Cherry Beth

Dear Delysia,

Today I went to lunch with Cherry Beth and his friend that he went to pick up: Ty. It was a good lunch. I had a good conversation. CB has known Ty from the mission field 11 years ago. He was very outgoing, very much a man in all aspects of the word. Ty was very engaging, had some issues with keeping is thinking patterns together. He was also really funny.

He asked me how old I was and thought that I was 27 yrs old! I said that I was that age and laughed. Then I told him that I was older than CB. Ty said, really?! You look so young. I told him because I use potions to keep my skin clear. I also said that CB likes them young and likes to get a little handsy. All of which is a little true, given that CB does get a little bit handsy, but he hasn't done that to me. Naturally he wouldn't because I'm a man! giggles...

Ty seemed at the end of his rope. No education, was doing door to door sales in Las Vegas. CB has truly been a blessing to him and a Savior of sorts. CB has taken care of Ty in a way that I would have never have imagined. After making jokes and having a good time with CB and Ty, I left. CB teased me and told me that he had my gifts in his car. I needed to go with him to make sure that I take this sugar pill and that he'll make sure that I take it right. I  just laughed at that. I told Ty that I was afraid to be alone with CB because he'd take me away or steal me and never let me go. HAHAHAHA. CB is fun to tease. He just sits there and takes it, smiles and laughs. He doesn't add to much to the adventure. But he's adorable.

Ty is also a recovering alcoholic and has been homeless. He's trying to make it back into the world, yet isn't sure much on how he can do that. I want him to live with me. He would have a fighting chance and make it if he would live with me. But he's disappeared since Christmas eve and hasn't contacted me or CB since that day. I'm worried.

I did look into the rosters of the jails to see if he is there, but he's not in jail. That is a sigh of relief for me.

I hope he comes back soon.

The Cruise pt. 1

Dear Delysia,

I am so sorry that I haven't written you in a long time. I got back from my cruise to the Mexican Rivera! I traveled with 5 other people: Ian, Stephen, Jay, Boo Boo and Jules. I was gone for 8 days.

I left Dec 16th, to go to California and visit Traci. Jules and I went together. We woke up at 4:30 am to leave around 5 am, because the weather was horrible. It was raining/snowing and the temperature was really low, so we could have ran into ice on the roads. Luckily, we didn't run into ice, but we did run into rain and lots of it. Jules only brother, who is married, took us to the airport, instead of her having to pay a huge amount of money to park her car for a week.

We made it to Long Beach and were starving. The weather was rainy! Traci had told me of a cafe that made Unicorn cake and Unicorn hot chocolate! OMG! It was so good! Granted, we hadn't eaten for like 6 hours, because it was like 10 or 11 am. So we didn't finish the cake or the hot chocolate because it was straight sugar! So then we went to a Hibachi restaurant and ate some really good food there. After we had eaten real food, we felt so much better. Then I dropped Jules off at the hotel, I took a nap. Oh, and we went shopping for spices and exotics. I bought some saffron for Traci and his favorite dish from Spain that requires Saffron. Yet, he hasn't used any of my Saffron that I have bought him. So, I guess I need to not buy him anymore of that spice until after he actually uses it!

Then Traci and I went to dinner, ate some food, talked about life. Then his friends asked us to meet them for ice cream. While Traci and I were walking to his car he told me that he had 3 rules:
1. I can't call him Traci while with his friends.

2: I can't refer to Traci as a puppy or woof woof.

3. I can't talk to Traci in a baby like voice.

I laughed so hard and resisted him on all of these requests! I can't help but talk to Traci in a little bit of a baby voice, because he is like a puppy. Because he is like a puppy, I naturally talk to him like a baby, because he's so 'dorable! I also like calling him Traci because that is his nickname! He told me that I can't because that was just between him and I. He didn't want his friends to call him Traci because two of his friends would call him Traci. He said that my friends and I can call him Traci, but not his friends! Traci was being so mean to me! LOL. I told him that I could totally not talk in a baby voice, not woof woof and not refer to him as a puppy, but I'd have a hard time not calling him Traci. That is just his name! giggles... But it ended up that his friend bailed and got real food and we had already ate. So we went back to his place, chatted a bit more, and waited for Boo Boo to fly in from Texas. I took Traci so he could help me drive to the airport and drive back home. He is a little bit of a bossy driver and was yelling a lot, but we made it alright. I love Traci. He's so 'dorable!

Oh, before we went to pick up Boo Boo, Traci and I went shopping for food. Traci is very picky about food when he's buying. He reminds me of a farty old man. He's just particular. Yet, most of the time, he'll eat almost anything. He would just prefer to eat veggies and that is it. Traci is so funny. He makes me laugh.

Then Boo Boo and I stayed, slept, drove to the Long Beach Airport to drop off my car and wait for her mom to pick us up. Boo Boo's mom has adopted me, so she calls me her son. She took us to brunch, we talked about her kids: she only has daughters. Then they got to talking about how Sis. Cooper felt like she was a bad mom. I started to feel a little bit sad and started to cry a bit. Sis. Cooper said that I should cry and asked why I was crying. I told her that my mom had at times felt like she was a bad mom too and that she did her best to be the best mom she knew how. I just felt bad because I know how much that thought can hurt by seeing my mom be hurt by that idea.

After brunch, we met up with the other guys because the drama was: Stephen left his passport in Chicago. So he was trying to get it from a roommate or his parents sending a birth certificate. He finally got a hold of his roommate who over-nighted it. We had a hotel for them to deliver it too, but it was never delivered. So they had to find the package at two different UPS stores to find it. At least it was in California. We learned that Stephen couldn't go on the cruise without the passport. Praise the heavens they got his passport and he came with us!

We waited in line forever and Boo Boo and I waited for awhile at the ship to board. I couldn't board without the boys and Boo Boo couldn't board without Jules. We then walked thru lines and made it. We ate a delicious meal and watched as the ship sailed away from the harbor. The night sky was beautiful. We couldn't see the stars because it was overcast, but the lights from the city slowly dimmed as we passed into the darkness.

Man, that first night was rough. I could feel the rocking of the ship. You could really feel the rocking of the ship. I could see in the dining room, the stationary chandelier shaking. It was bothering me so much! LOL.

Then we went to bed. I slept with the boys, I didn't feel like it was right for me to sleep with the girls. Jay snored, Ian can't sleep without complete silence and darkness, I snore as well and Stephen can sleep through anything apparently.

The next morning I woke up early, walked around the deck, watched the sun rise, felt the wind blow on my face and be lost in my thoughts. I really like doing that, loose myself in the ocean of my thoughts and feelings. It was nice to just feel the wind, the humidity and the warming sun beat on my face and back as I walked around the deck. Then we played around with the group, we played a lot of games, talked, swam, sleep, and ate a lot of food. The ship was huge, it had 10 decks. The eating quarters were found on the top decks. There was never ending food, the soda was extra, so was herbal teas. The gym was really awesome, with the showers in the locker room having rain drop shower heads, and shower heads on the side of the walls. I loved that. I showered in the gym as often as I could. It was just an amazing drowning experience. I also enjoyed the sauna and steam room! I also spent a little bit too much money on the spa treatments! LOL, but I was there to have some R&R. So I splurged. I got a hair cut and shave. I also got a pedicure and a massage. I made friends with the pedicurist: Natasha and Amy. Natasha was from Jamaica and Amy was from the UK. Natasha was hilarious and was a single mom, but was totally ok with supporting them from afar. Amy was single and funny.

......................This was the first two days before we made it to Cabo San Lucas..........