Dear Delysia,
The past week has been a little bit difficult. Not as difficult as last week. This week, I'm just floating along, trying to keep myself together.
One, I've just not had the energy to be happy around others. On Sunday, I basically told a friend that I was gay, without actually telling her that. I told her that I was unhappy and unsatisfied because there was no place for me to go. She was very sympathetic. She gave me a hug and said that she loved me and appreciated her friendship with me. We hugged a long time and she just told me she cared. It was nice.
The interesting about that whole situation is, I know her pain just as much as she knows mine. Because I've experienced those feelings of being lost, abandoned but trying to remain strong in the midst of pain, I can see it in her because I've done the same things she has done. I've painted a smile on my see of pain. Though, there is a guy in my ward that I think would be so good for her. His name is Tom. I am very impressed with him. He is kind, thoughtful for the most part, considerate and has always shown interest in me. I think he would be such a wonderful match for her: Kristin. Though, he was struggling with her because she has pushed him away a little bit. So I told Tom I would encourage her for him. I went up to her and offered some advice. I told her that she may find more peace in encouraging and focusing on the Unknown Heavens and disregarding the Familiar Hell's. I also told Tom that he is a dream come true and because he is, she'll be afraid of him. She has never experienced or known what a good supportive man is. He needs to show her because she is definitely worth it, but she'll need time to figure it out for herself. He said he would be and he liked the perspective. I pray that they can work out! He's a good man and she is a good woman.
Two, Boo Boo is dating a man that I have grown to adore and loathe. He is wonderful! He is perfect in my mind. He's tall, built, kind, sweet, anticipates need and is considerate and sensitive to needs. All the times that I have interacted with him, I've been quite impressed with him. He's young and uneducated, but he makes up for that with his sense of understanding. I want to date him so bad or date someone just like him! Because I sort of have a crush on him, I can't stand him being around me and my group of friends. It's hard to put my feelings away for him. I want so badly to date him. I want a man like him to date me. I want a man to find me and love me as much as I would love him! I try really hard not to be bitter about the happiness that she and he have found.
Three, I spoke with Cory and told him how I was doing, which wasn't that great. He had told me prior to meeting me at the girls house, that he wasn't very happy with me because he looks up to me. I was so confused by that. I don't know why he would look up to me. I'm nobody in his life, I think. So we spoke outside in the cold and he asked me how I was doing. I told him that he could have all the favors that I had collected. I told him that I was just upset about my situation, but that I wasn't really going to talk to him about my feelings of being tortured and being cast to live a vagabond life on the island of misfit toys. He told me that he wanted to go to lunch and I said that I didn't want to be around him. He was sad and said that he wanted me to change my mind. I wasn't in the mood to enjoy his company. His life has been pretty easy and a breeze. He hasn't really had too many challenges, so I have a hard time when he starts talking about God and love and the Savior... and how wonderful they are. I don't really agree. As he spouted all these ideas of what he felt helped him, I didn't feel all that much better. He acknowledged that he didn't know what could help me. He said that every time he tried to give me advice that would help him, it doesn't help me, so he's a little stumped. I told him that I appreciated his efforts, but I don't believe that God treats us all the same. He is cruel to so many of us and so kind to so little of us. With that idea, I don't want to be like Him. He's mean to me in my mind and he's been mean to my family. When we've really done all that He has asked, He's swung in and ruined our lives. I went on a mission and came home to a shattered family, hearts and homes. I went on a mission and was abused, ridiculed and mocked from my fellow missionaries and the members in the area. I have remained kind, caring, sweet and considerate towards most people given my upbringing. Men, are a different story... I'm not that nice to them. I treat them with distance. I don't trust them. Men are not to be trusted. Naturally that attitude translates to God. He is after all a man and it makes me uncomfortable.
So talking and being with Cory just makes me feel sick, angry and jealous. Why I am asked to wade in poop and scratch through mud and barbed wire trying to survive and Cory is sliding on skis enjoy the joys of life and I'm trying to stay alive and not cutting my writs. He is kind to me as much as he can and knows how. He did tell me that I'm far more developed than most people in things of spirituality. He said there is such good things in me. He tries hard and I appreciate his effort.
Fourth, Traci is harsh with me. I feel like he's ignoring me a lot. Granted he's in a financial funk. His relationship with that monster of a girl is really slow. She is broken in so many ways, yet he loves her so he stays with that diseased wretch. But he is also trying to make his dream come true with his business. So he doesn't really have time for me, I feel like. He found a lot of time when he was hurting and I made time for him all the times he asked for it. Yet, when I'm in need, he's very unavailable. Granted, I get that his business is really important. I just feel neglected. I am just as busy as he is and I made all the time he needed.
But the nicest thing he said to me was, "Maybe the reason why Cory, Caitlynn and myself have been hard on you is because you're better than us and you can't waver." Then he said that my spiritual gifts are more developed than most people. He said that whenever we perceive strength, we want it to succeed because if it doesn't, how will we do it? He then said that we either have to rise up and be stronger or assume we weren't as strong. So he said that I can do it.
The past week has been a little bit difficult. Not as difficult as last week. This week, I'm just floating along, trying to keep myself together.
One, I've just not had the energy to be happy around others. On Sunday, I basically told a friend that I was gay, without actually telling her that. I told her that I was unhappy and unsatisfied because there was no place for me to go. She was very sympathetic. She gave me a hug and said that she loved me and appreciated her friendship with me. We hugged a long time and she just told me she cared. It was nice.
The interesting about that whole situation is, I know her pain just as much as she knows mine. Because I've experienced those feelings of being lost, abandoned but trying to remain strong in the midst of pain, I can see it in her because I've done the same things she has done. I've painted a smile on my see of pain. Though, there is a guy in my ward that I think would be so good for her. His name is Tom. I am very impressed with him. He is kind, thoughtful for the most part, considerate and has always shown interest in me. I think he would be such a wonderful match for her: Kristin. Though, he was struggling with her because she has pushed him away a little bit. So I told Tom I would encourage her for him. I went up to her and offered some advice. I told her that she may find more peace in encouraging and focusing on the Unknown Heavens and disregarding the Familiar Hell's. I also told Tom that he is a dream come true and because he is, she'll be afraid of him. She has never experienced or known what a good supportive man is. He needs to show her because she is definitely worth it, but she'll need time to figure it out for herself. He said he would be and he liked the perspective. I pray that they can work out! He's a good man and she is a good woman.
Two, Boo Boo is dating a man that I have grown to adore and loathe. He is wonderful! He is perfect in my mind. He's tall, built, kind, sweet, anticipates need and is considerate and sensitive to needs. All the times that I have interacted with him, I've been quite impressed with him. He's young and uneducated, but he makes up for that with his sense of understanding. I want to date him so bad or date someone just like him! Because I sort of have a crush on him, I can't stand him being around me and my group of friends. It's hard to put my feelings away for him. I want so badly to date him. I want a man like him to date me. I want a man to find me and love me as much as I would love him! I try really hard not to be bitter about the happiness that she and he have found.
Three, I spoke with Cory and told him how I was doing, which wasn't that great. He had told me prior to meeting me at the girls house, that he wasn't very happy with me because he looks up to me. I was so confused by that. I don't know why he would look up to me. I'm nobody in his life, I think. So we spoke outside in the cold and he asked me how I was doing. I told him that he could have all the favors that I had collected. I told him that I was just upset about my situation, but that I wasn't really going to talk to him about my feelings of being tortured and being cast to live a vagabond life on the island of misfit toys. He told me that he wanted to go to lunch and I said that I didn't want to be around him. He was sad and said that he wanted me to change my mind. I wasn't in the mood to enjoy his company. His life has been pretty easy and a breeze. He hasn't really had too many challenges, so I have a hard time when he starts talking about God and love and the Savior... and how wonderful they are. I don't really agree. As he spouted all these ideas of what he felt helped him, I didn't feel all that much better. He acknowledged that he didn't know what could help me. He said that every time he tried to give me advice that would help him, it doesn't help me, so he's a little stumped. I told him that I appreciated his efforts, but I don't believe that God treats us all the same. He is cruel to so many of us and so kind to so little of us. With that idea, I don't want to be like Him. He's mean to me in my mind and he's been mean to my family. When we've really done all that He has asked, He's swung in and ruined our lives. I went on a mission and came home to a shattered family, hearts and homes. I went on a mission and was abused, ridiculed and mocked from my fellow missionaries and the members in the area. I have remained kind, caring, sweet and considerate towards most people given my upbringing. Men, are a different story... I'm not that nice to them. I treat them with distance. I don't trust them. Men are not to be trusted. Naturally that attitude translates to God. He is after all a man and it makes me uncomfortable.
So talking and being with Cory just makes me feel sick, angry and jealous. Why I am asked to wade in poop and scratch through mud and barbed wire trying to survive and Cory is sliding on skis enjoy the joys of life and I'm trying to stay alive and not cutting my writs. He is kind to me as much as he can and knows how. He did tell me that I'm far more developed than most people in things of spirituality. He said there is such good things in me. He tries hard and I appreciate his effort.
Fourth, Traci is harsh with me. I feel like he's ignoring me a lot. Granted he's in a financial funk. His relationship with that monster of a girl is really slow. She is broken in so many ways, yet he loves her so he stays with that diseased wretch. But he is also trying to make his dream come true with his business. So he doesn't really have time for me, I feel like. He found a lot of time when he was hurting and I made time for him all the times he asked for it. Yet, when I'm in need, he's very unavailable. Granted, I get that his business is really important. I just feel neglected. I am just as busy as he is and I made all the time he needed.
But the nicest thing he said to me was, "Maybe the reason why Cory, Caitlynn and myself have been hard on you is because you're better than us and you can't waver." Then he said that my spiritual gifts are more developed than most people. He said that whenever we perceive strength, we want it to succeed because if it doesn't, how will we do it? He then said that we either have to rise up and be stronger or assume we weren't as strong. So he said that I can do it.
I cried hearing
that. Traci really took me to the fire pit and racked me around on it.
His point of view is always harsh. But I appreciate his willingness to
try and help me.
I'm in a funk and I will try to get out of it. Traci told me to find purpose, and my sole purpose isn't the orchids. My purpose is and can be more.
I'm trying Delysia... thank you for listening.
I'm in a funk and I will try to get out of it. Traci told me to find purpose, and my sole purpose isn't the orchids. My purpose is and can be more.
I'm trying Delysia... thank you for listening.
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