Dear Delysia,
I am sorry that I haven’t written to you lately. I have been
in a awful mood for the past week or so. I’ve been feeling really bitter and
wallowing in self-pity and hatred. Of course it is really about the same things
over and over: being a pineapple.
I scheduled an appointment with my Bishop and that wasn’t
that great. He told me that I needed to look to others that have gone through
similar things that I am now: being single for this mortal experience. I was
upset about it because people like Sheri Dew, made it because they have a hope
that things will work out in this life. She is encouraged to date, she isn’t
risking her salvation to want to think about dating, she isn’t risking her salvation to go on
dates or entertain the idea of being married. I do! She loneliness is easier to
deal with given that she has some control and hope to deal with. I am not given
any hope in this life. The only hope that is given to me is that God and the
Atonement will make things right in the end: when I die.
I also told my Bishop that I hate that I’m having to live a higher life, without any permanent support like he is or any of the leadership. All the local leadership and the general leadership are all married, or at least the men are. The women in the general leadership have had women that were never married. Yet, it is only the women that are allowed to be in leadership without marriage. Men have to be married. What that tells me is that these men have no idea what it is like to be single for their entire lifetime. They also aren’t allowed to experience what that would be like and then stand in front of the world congregation and tell me that being a nun is a possibility. Apparently that life is only suitable for women because they do it. The men don’t. So it makes me mad that the Bishop sits in a judgment seat and tells me that living a deprived life is possible when he can’t even know what that is like and he will never know!
He told me that I have friends and he doesn’t have any. Then he asked me to ask him how many friends he has that care for him. I asked him. He told me that he only has his wife. I told him that was his choice. There are plenty of people around in his life that he could be friends with, but he has chosen to focus only on his wife. Why would he just focus on her? Because she is permanent, friends are not because they are all looking for the same thing: to be loved by someone that they love and that will stay. I have lots of friends, like leaves that blow in the wind. They don’t stay, the wind takes them away. There is no permanency with the relationships that I build. They are more like fillers of time and resources, but they don’t stay.
I also told my Bishop that I hate that I’m having to live a higher life, without any permanent support like he is or any of the leadership. All the local leadership and the general leadership are all married, or at least the men are. The women in the general leadership have had women that were never married. Yet, it is only the women that are allowed to be in leadership without marriage. Men have to be married. What that tells me is that these men have no idea what it is like to be single for their entire lifetime. They also aren’t allowed to experience what that would be like and then stand in front of the world congregation and tell me that being a nun is a possibility. Apparently that life is only suitable for women because they do it. The men don’t. So it makes me mad that the Bishop sits in a judgment seat and tells me that living a deprived life is possible when he can’t even know what that is like and he will never know!
He told me that I have friends and he doesn’t have any. Then he asked me to ask him how many friends he has that care for him. I asked him. He told me that he only has his wife. I told him that was his choice. There are plenty of people around in his life that he could be friends with, but he has chosen to focus only on his wife. Why would he just focus on her? Because she is permanent, friends are not because they are all looking for the same thing: to be loved by someone that they love and that will stay. I have lots of friends, like leaves that blow in the wind. They don’t stay, the wind takes them away. There is no permanency with the relationships that I build. They are more like fillers of time and resources, but they don’t stay.
I also told him that I didn’t even want my reward to be the
same as his. I don’t even know that I want to be married when I die in the next
life if I’m denied it here and now. Why would I want the same reward as him? He
gets to enjoy the blessings of having a family and companion and I have to live
life without it. If I have to learn to live without it now, why would I want it
in the next life? I wouldn’t. I would want something better. I don’t want
something dangled in my face and then all of a sudden you can have it now! No,
I don’t want that. Then the Bishop responded with the consequence of being an
angel because Gods have to be married. That response pissed me off. Again, I’m
being denied equality and fairness from a ‘fair and loving’ God.
Then he told me that I was being very judgmental of the leadership and their trials. I said that I agreed. Then he told me that I need to have hope and have a better relationship with the Savior. I said that I had no desire to do that. His response was then if I chose not to do that, then I’ll always be in the hurt place. He asked me then to try and continue to do what I’m supposed to: read the scriptures, pray, go to the temple. I said I would continue doing that. I was also done listening to him. He was telling me things that I didn’t want to hear nor did it give me any help or solace. I want to be loved and cared for by another man. Telling me that God, the great spirit in the sky, that He loves me doesn’t work. I don’t believe that He does, not do I feel like He’s very loving being anyway. He plays favorites and is cruel. I want something that is more tangible than the rhetoric of whisperings of straight men and women who were white and prayed and some were answered and some were not.
Then I shared my feelings with Traci and Boo Boo. I fought with both of those two. Boo Boo told me that I needed to understand that everyone is struggling with the idea of wanting to find companionship. She yelled and started crying because I told her that Sheri Dew wasn’t a good enough example because she’s a woman and the comparison wasn’t the same with me as a gay man. I felt bad because I hurt her feelings. But sharing those types of feelings of inequality of women with her is a sensitive subject. Yet, I have no sympathy for her or the Cooper girls. Boo Boo is going on dates with two guys. What is she worried about? She has more control of what can happen than I do. I have not control or choice in the matter of being alone. And there seems to be no amount of compensation that is worthwhile in this life. I have to wait till I’m dead to see the fruits of my deprived existence. I don’t feel bad for her. She has so much in her power to fulfill that sadness and deprived feeling that we all have. She can date, love and get married without risking her salvation. That feeling of desperation and loneliness will go away or be swallowed up in the idea that she did everything in her power to make it happen. She can feel accomplished that she did everything in her power to make in happen whether or not it did, she could feel like she did her best and could eventually come to terms or look up to Sheri Dew and live. There are no examples of gay men being single for the rest of their lives, living happy, faithful lives. The only examples that I’ve seen are them killing themselves or leaving the church and living in sin. I have met on man who has remained single and celibate for his whole life. He isn’t happy. He has tried his hardest to make things work and he says that he survives, but doesn’t thrive. He has told me as he has aged that the yearning for love and companionship gets harder and harder to resist. The ache of loneliness increases and there is no peace to it, just distraction with work and service. But those are not solutions, they are distractions. So Boo Boo and I fought.
Then he told me that I was being very judgmental of the leadership and their trials. I said that I agreed. Then he told me that I need to have hope and have a better relationship with the Savior. I said that I had no desire to do that. His response was then if I chose not to do that, then I’ll always be in the hurt place. He asked me then to try and continue to do what I’m supposed to: read the scriptures, pray, go to the temple. I said I would continue doing that. I was also done listening to him. He was telling me things that I didn’t want to hear nor did it give me any help or solace. I want to be loved and cared for by another man. Telling me that God, the great spirit in the sky, that He loves me doesn’t work. I don’t believe that He does, not do I feel like He’s very loving being anyway. He plays favorites and is cruel. I want something that is more tangible than the rhetoric of whisperings of straight men and women who were white and prayed and some were answered and some were not.
Then I shared my feelings with Traci and Boo Boo. I fought with both of those two. Boo Boo told me that I needed to understand that everyone is struggling with the idea of wanting to find companionship. She yelled and started crying because I told her that Sheri Dew wasn’t a good enough example because she’s a woman and the comparison wasn’t the same with me as a gay man. I felt bad because I hurt her feelings. But sharing those types of feelings of inequality of women with her is a sensitive subject. Yet, I have no sympathy for her or the Cooper girls. Boo Boo is going on dates with two guys. What is she worried about? She has more control of what can happen than I do. I have not control or choice in the matter of being alone. And there seems to be no amount of compensation that is worthwhile in this life. I have to wait till I’m dead to see the fruits of my deprived existence. I don’t feel bad for her. She has so much in her power to fulfill that sadness and deprived feeling that we all have. She can date, love and get married without risking her salvation. That feeling of desperation and loneliness will go away or be swallowed up in the idea that she did everything in her power to make it happen. She can feel accomplished that she did everything in her power to make in happen whether or not it did, she could feel like she did her best and could eventually come to terms or look up to Sheri Dew and live. There are no examples of gay men being single for the rest of their lives, living happy, faithful lives. The only examples that I’ve seen are them killing themselves or leaving the church and living in sin. I have met on man who has remained single and celibate for his whole life. He isn’t happy. He has tried his hardest to make things work and he says that he survives, but doesn’t thrive. He has told me as he has aged that the yearning for love and companionship gets harder and harder to resist. The ache of loneliness increases and there is no peace to it, just distraction with work and service. But those are not solutions, they are distractions. So Boo Boo and I fought.
Then Traci just told me that I need to leave the church
because I’m miserable and there is no solution without change happening. Since
I’m not willing to get over it and the church isn’t changing, it would be
better for me to just leave the church. Then he told me that I am choosing to
be miserable and I’m the one that isn’t thinking clearly about the whole
situation. He told me that even though there aren’t much success in the gay
example, there are plenty of single people who have chosen to live full, happy
lives and have been single. He said that I need to either choose to be happy
with what I have or find something that will make me happy and the church isn’t
the place for me. He also told me that I have a very warped idea of marriage
and I devalue the experiences of others because I’ve decided that being single
is the worst fate that anyone could have. He said that I am wrong in thinking
that. He said that just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you’ll feel loved,
cared for and supported. I said you’re right, but at least you’re in an
environment where that could occur. Why get married if you didn’t love, care
and want to support that person? Then Traci just told me that I’m wrong in my
thought processes and I’ll always be miserable if I continue on the path I’m
on. He also told me that I’m too obsessed with this topic. There is more to
life than this.
I was pissed off by this. Though I appreciate his point of view. I also appreciate Boo Boo’s thoughts as well. I just get mad when straight people try to equalize the situation when it can’t be equalized with them. They don’t know what it’s like to be denied a choice. There is no choice for me. There is a choice for them and they have the power to make something happen even if it doesn’t end up in marriage.
I was pissed off by this. Though I appreciate his point of view. I also appreciate Boo Boo’s thoughts as well. I just get mad when straight people try to equalize the situation when it can’t be equalized with them. They don’t know what it’s like to be denied a choice. There is no choice for me. There is a choice for them and they have the power to make something happen even if it doesn’t end up in marriage.
Afterwards, I told Traci and I’m going to isolate myself. I
told him that when I share my feelings with him about being a pineapple, we
fight. When I share my feelings with Boo Boo, we fight. When I share my
feelings with Cherry Beth, he ignores me. So I’m not going to tell them
anything about it because I don’t feel supported by them, I feel judged and
condemned by them because they feel I’m over exaggerating my situation and I’m
being unfair about their situations. So I’m going to tell them nothing.
I have also have decided that praying for death is all that I’m going to ask God. I don’t want anything else. I don’t want anything else from Him but death. I’m tired of hearing ‘it will work out in the end’. Read the scriptures, things do work out, when you die or 500 yrs later. In the mean time, deal with the shit and die in it because when you die, that’s when you are no longer in the shit. I’m not going to kill myself, but I do want to die in my sleep. So that is my goal for the next year, to die by divine intervention. I have also decided that I’m done developing a relationship with Traci, Cory Beth and Boo Boo. I don’t need to develop deep relationships with anyone. They’ll just blow away anyways, so no need for anything permanent. Everything ends, so I look forward to the ends and the season of my life to end.
Thank you Delysia for listening to me and not judging me. I appreciate that you care and love me. I’ve learned that all the things that I want will not come true until I die, so I want death. No one can be relied upon except you and my mama. There is no one else but filler. Because of that, I will be better at fostering our relationship. I love you.
I have also have decided that praying for death is all that I’m going to ask God. I don’t want anything else. I don’t want anything else from Him but death. I’m tired of hearing ‘it will work out in the end’. Read the scriptures, things do work out, when you die or 500 yrs later. In the mean time, deal with the shit and die in it because when you die, that’s when you are no longer in the shit. I’m not going to kill myself, but I do want to die in my sleep. So that is my goal for the next year, to die by divine intervention. I have also decided that I’m done developing a relationship with Traci, Cory Beth and Boo Boo. I don’t need to develop deep relationships with anyone. They’ll just blow away anyways, so no need for anything permanent. Everything ends, so I look forward to the ends and the season of my life to end.
Thank you Delysia for listening to me and not judging me. I appreciate that you care and love me. I’ve learned that all the things that I want will not come true until I die, so I want death. No one can be relied upon except you and my mama. There is no one else but filler. Because of that, I will be better at fostering our relationship. I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment