A blessing to my Best Friend Cousin

Dear Delysia,

I gave Traci a blessing as his request. I felt like I could share it, that one day his posterity may know to why they have been so greatly blessed. I changed his name to keep the special, sacred nature to him alone. But I wanted to share with you what it was that you may be edified as well.

I love you. I love him too. :D



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BEST FRIEND COUSIN,

I am writing this letter at your request that I may give you a bed time story on your request of your business. This story is a glimpse of what may be yours given that you remain on the path of righteousness and lean onto your Heavenly Father and His guidance for you:

BEST FRIEND COUSIN, by the power of the Melchizedek Priesthood that I hold, I give you a blessing, in request to your faith and request: 

BEST FRIEND COUSIN, there will come a time when you'll be a man of much wealth of earthly things. Our Father in Heaven would have you know that because you've been willing to accept His will for you, to be the best man that you can possibly be, that the scriptures that state that Insomuch as you keep the commands of God, you shall inherit and prosper in the land. As the days continue to grow dark and the spiritual aptitudes of those of your fellow man continue to fail, you'll be supported. Please know that your wealth will ebb and flow based upon your diligence and heed to the things that matter the most. The earthly wealth will always be a blessings as you remain close to your Father in Heaven. It will become a shackle on your neck as foretold in Isaiah 52:2. D&C 113:10 will be a stark reminder that if you decide to allow the wealth that you accumulate to shackle you and you notice it, that you'll come before God on humble knees to ask for His forgiveness. May it be that you may not know the weight that the band can press upon your shoulders. For you will bare that weight alone and if not corrected quickly, it will crush you. 

There will be a time when you'll be able to serve in whatever capacity you wish or desire. Your company will be a gateway to other forms of earthly attainment. All that you've wanted, shall be given to you in the proper time and season. Know that our God knows that these blessings will come to bring light, happiness and gladness to your heart, your soul, that you may know that God has heard your prayers and has sustained your hard work and determination. Not only to work hard and by your fruits you shall be rewarded, but also because you've learned to lean not on your own powers, but you've learned to rely on our Father in Heaven. 

You will become a man of power. You'll be responsible of many souls financially. You'll will be given the tools, resources and power to govern and sustain their earthly needs. You'll be in a position to bless many. When this is so, always remember that attitude of generosity of your greatest resource: your faith, your time, your love. May these resources always govern your actions, for you'll be given many responsibilities for the sake of their salvation. You shall bless those in need. You shall watch over the tender ones, the pure, the forsaken, the lost and the lonely. Your Father in Heaven will require all that you are and all that you shall be. Please know peace in your heart, for He will always provide a way for His will to be done. You will be doing what will qualify you to be as He is, a God: of Love, Grace, Mercy, Compassion, Righteousness. 

Your business now will bring you success in ways you will not expect. Your business now will provide you with the experience needed to build more success. Remember always that our Father in Heaven will always be interested in your affairs regarding your dreams and desires as you allow Him to take care of you; as you bless others around you. What you've overcome with God's grace and love, so far has granted you this blessing:  Money will always find you. This blessing will evolve to greater capacity as you grow in the gospel. 

I want you to always remember that it is by living the Gospel of Jesus Christ that you'll find the greatest success. May the gospel guide you always. May you remain constant and incorruptible. Remember that you are one of the great and nobles ones. Your capacity to do and achieve good is endless. Our Father in Heaven expects you to do good continually. Our God is guiding you to be a success. Listen to Him. Do not be afraid to make mistakes. Mistakes will be to your benefit in ways you'll not be able to see. Have faith, believe. 

I leave you this Blessing and seal it upon you, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 
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My Cruise!

Dear Delysia,

So, I forgot to tell you that I'm going on a cruise on Saturday of this week! SQUEAL! I am going to be gone from this Saturday to next Saturday! I fly into California this Friday to go visit with Traci. But as I shared with you earlier, I'm not sure that I want to see him. I have been thinking of late that friendship with me isn't as important. Yet, at the same time feel like I'm being overly dramatic! I need to stop!

So I am so excited though. I have been watching the movie Titanic and it's been hilarious! It sort of freaks me out a bit. Granted I am only going to Mexico, so there aren't any icebergs, yet it makes me sort of uneasy going to a place where I'm not in control all that much.

I have also been stressing out a bit. I am headed to Cali on Friday to spend a day there. Yet, I'm just a little bit frazzled to get things together. I'm sort of a mess. I don't know whats wrong really. I should be happy, but so many things have changed in such a small amount of time.

I am happy and very grateful that I even get to go on a cruise. I have never been in a position where I could afford to go. Yet, today I am able to afford it and will be able to enjoy a time where I can experience international travel to Mexico. I've traveled internationally before, just not to Mexico.

A part of me wants to have a fling and enjoy a night or two with some stranger, yet it would be that the stranger would need to be on the ship. I want to experience a moment of passion. Yet, I'm not sure if that will happen. I want it to. I want some stranger to see me and find me attractive and wanting to talk to me and be with me.

I miss having friends that are pineapples. I need more friends to relate too. I'm afraid that Cory Beth, Traci, Boo Boo, the Coops are not much that I can relate with.... perhaps I am too wanting. Perhaps I should just enjoy things as they come.

....

I am very pleased and happy that I can go. It is a lifetime activity that I wouldn't have been able to help other wise. I have been very blessed to go! I am very blessed and very grateful!

The Two Orchids

Dear Delysia,

The orchids are changing so much! The other day, Cherry Beth called my like 4 times! He never calls me that much?! I was with my family at the time and didn't have my phone on me when he did call me, so I would just call him back and he didn't answer... so I just told him that I would call him when I was done with my family party. I called him and he said that a friend of him, Ty was hurting for help. Cory Beth offered to help him by paying for a bus pass, but he didn't have ID to claim the bus pass. Apparently, this friend, has been in drugs, being homeless and can't be home for some reason. So Cory decided to drive down to Las Vegas to pick him up and bring him home!

When Cherry B told me this, I was totally shocked. I was talking to him when he in Cedar City, like 3 hours away from Las Vegas! I was in shock. Cory just went and picked him up and drove him home to Cory's place! I'm still in shock! I would have never had thought that Cory would have done that for his friend Ty?! Traci had told me that he knew that Cory Beth would do almost anything for the friends that he cared for. Traci said that CB is very loyal. I didn't really agree with that idea. I don't think CB has that many friends that he would be willing to do things like that. CB was very generous about it. He just said that he's trying to do his part.

It is funny. Delysia, I was really upset with him for some of the things that I notice about him. I noticed that when I think like we are becoming friends, I realize that we're not really. He only contacts me when he wants something. When he wants something, he'll just talk about himself and then off he goes. That annoys me a lot! I find that to be so ingenue. Yet, that is all that he knows how to do. Yet, he'll go and drive to pick up some dude in Las Vegas?!

I told Traci that CB was headed to Las Vegas and how CB was just chatting me up, to tell me about all the good he's doing. Traci said, 'Isn't interesting that you and Cory are becoming better friends? He is acting like he really likes talking to you right?' I said, I'm not really thinking about that, but I probably should start thinking like that. CB doesn't really talk to me all that much, but when he does, he has a lot to ask and say about girls and his life. I don't really give him much about mine. I don't really think he really cares that much and he doesn't have any opinions about it, so why say anything.

Then Traci has been getting on my nerve because I feel like he's treating me like I'm nothing anymore. I'm just a dude that he called 3x's a day to cry, complain, whine and moan about how God is so mean to him, He's never been loved, he can't get over this broken girl,... yadah yadah yadah. Then when he finally gets what he has always have wanted, that broken girl comes back to him so he can try and marry her, I am a inconvenience. I've know that this would be the case, yet I liked to think that it wouldn't come to this. I called him a couple of times and he is very not there. He seems very uninterested in what I'm saying. So I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I spoke to him today and he just didn't say much. Then I said ok, thanks for listening. He then said that I shouldn't say it like that. I said, like what? He said like the conversation was not worthwhile. I said that I didn't say it like that. Then he said that he wanted to be honest and say the reason he wasn't really into talking was because our conversations last for at least 40 mins and he was reading stuff online and was about to go do some things. I said that it was fine and told him that I'll chat with him later. He said that I should remember that I'll see him on Friday.

I was so upset! I felt like he just told me that he can't be bothered with me wanting to talk. He forgets that most of the conversations came from him because he was calling me all day, everyday to cry and whine and complain! And now that he has his woman and some how found friends to hang out with, he can't be bothered. He would complain that he didn't have friends to hang out with or do things with. Now that his broken girl is back, he's found social things to do, so he can show her off in a good light. Because most of us who know that thing, don't like her because she's not a nice girl! So I roll my eyes at him. He's treating me like he did when we first met! He's forgotten that I'm the one that had to rearrange my schedule, give up sleep, give up friend time to listen to him bitch! I'm mad at him. 

I don't want to see him on Friday. I am just going to buy a hotel and stay there. For the sake of my delicate constitution and my cruise, I'm not going to bother with him. I don't want to see him or have him talk about her or even see if he would bring her along! I don't want to see her, hear her voice, see them together, nothing! So, I think I've decided that I'm not going to see him and just tell him that I'm with people, or just ignore his phone calls. That is probably the best way. I am also working 2 jobs and he is waiting for his appt to come alive, so I've got stuff to do.

He texted me later today and said this: Dang it! I was going to call you in between jobs but I spaced it.

This text makes him look guilty. I didn't respond. I need to come to terms better that these orchids aren't going to be permanent, unless they need something from me. I need to learn my lesson not to base so much of my energy, light, love in people who will take it for granted. My family love me and will always love me. These orchids only love the attention and have eyes and hearts for themselves. I don't have time for that. I did stupid things like put people like that in my center of my world. Instead, I need to focus on my family and friends here and there.

I'm really upset, but telling you this, helps me feel better. I need a better relationship with God, not these boys.

Family Party

Dear Delysia,

The past couple of days have been so wonderful! I planned the family Christmas Party and it was a BLAST! I made games, food and drinks and we just had a good time. All of my family came except for my sisters husband and her son. The reason why, was because her son contracted hand, mouth and foot! It was bad and ugly. My sisters daughter also got it, but she didn't break out. Her immune system must be top notch to have killed the virus relatively well! But her brother, little Noah didn't have an immune system to fight it off that much. So my sister called me and told me that she wasn't going to be able to go to the Christmas Party! She called me a week before told me this. BUT, then a couple days before, her husband said that she could go with her daughter! So my sister came! Everyone one was there! I was so happy to hear that news!

My step-sister showed up with her husband. Her husband seemed a lot older than what he is. He is just a year younger than me. But he looked awful. She had foot surgery, so she was limping. But I was happy to see her be there. It has been several years since we've seen them.

Sniffles was happy to see us all in her grumpy way. She was mew mew mewing and purr purr purring and was growling when I was giving her kisses! That little poop! But when I let her go, she wanted to be pet! She is a poop! She doesn't want to be held or kissed, but she does want to be pet! She's so funny like that, and a turd! But I still love her, because she is my little girl! She mew mew mews and purr purr purrs! She doesn't purr very loud. My first kitty kitty, Molly purred really loud! But she wasn't so grumpy. Molly was like a part of the family. She loved us all, would go to bed with all of us and would purr really loud until we all went to sleep! She was my baby. I love animals. I am just like my mama, I love the animals!

We played a white elephant game where you had to unwrap your gift with oven mitts on. That was so much fun! While you were trying to unwrap your present, the rest of us are trying to roll the die to open the gift. If the person rolls doubles, then the person trying to get their present unwrapped, has to stop and they give up the oven mitts and the person that rolled the doubles get a try. While that is all happening, others are rolling the die, so you don't have a lot of time to get your present. Others can steal your present, if they want to. I had a lot of fun! We laughed and laughed and had a good ole time. Then the next game we played, was tipping over water balls with a tennis ball in a panty hose on your head! That was so much fun! Doing a winner and loser bracket was so much fun! I just loved being with my family and their babies!

We ate a lot of food, we had pretty dishes, mama prayed, we just enjoyed the moments together. Mama had a new puppy named Mickey! He is a biter and was trying to bite the kids, so Baby Phat had to hold him and so did mama! It was just nice to be with the family. Then we played pounce and Rat Bridge. Those games were really fun! The kids played with bubbles, puzzles and paint.

I was sad that mama had to go to work that night. But I was really happy that we had time with the family. I should have taken more pics, but I am glad that I planned it and that we had time to just soak up each others presence. Jacob started realigning our backs. Oh man, that felt so good. I was a little afraid, but he did a great job and helped me learn it. We all think that he should go to school as a Chiropractor! He was hesitant, but I think he should! He would do well with it. He doesn't want to be in debt, but I think that he should really think about it! I think it isn't formal school: having to take classes that have nothing to do with his major, he would just study the body and the back and do an internship! He could do it and we do amazing at it!

Driving home, I was hit by a car! It banged up my vehicle a little bit, but it's fine. I just need a new grill on the front and I'll be go.

I had a great time with my family! mew mew mews... and purr purr purrs... 

Playing with my Puppy

Dear Delysia,

I forgot to tell you that Traci came to town and hung out with his family, Cory Beth and myself! OMG, I've had some reservations with spending actual time with Traci. I know, it's complicated! Traci makes me nervous in real life. He can just read me like a book. I like that in the sense that he can understand me, I don't like it because I like to hide from men. I love him. He makes me feel safe.

It was really nice. We watched the movie, Doctor Strange. It was so much fun to go with him. It was funny, because a lot of the movie reminded me of the conversations that I've had with him. Traci is incredibly smart, an amazing man with motivation to figure stuff, conquering spirit and a provider. He is also so very kind, supportive and willing to sacrifice for those he loves. He is like a dream come true to me. It's as if he doesn't see that he's everything that I thought didn't exist in this world when it comes to men. He is just so wonderful, with flaws, but I love him for who he is that I just think that time, will help him become refined.

I stayed up with him a lot to talk about his hurt feelings about the girl that he loved that broke up with him. He is trying really hard to receive and understand revelation. I don't have an issue with getting answers, he does. He also doesn't really understand how God speaks to him. I am happy to be able to assist and help him. I think the best that I've done is encouraged him to move forward. Watching the movie with him just made me think that he has beat the river of revelation. Beating a river will not make the water submit to the beater. You must let it flow and watch where it takes you. The refinement of the water makes you shine!

The other part that was really nice was going to dinner with Cory Beth and Traci. We ate some food that was Mediterranean at the mall. We chatted about life, the olden days of Cory Beth and Traci. Watching those two talk and banter with each other was so wonderful! They acted like they were siblings poking, jarring and annoying each other. It was so nice to see them just be themselves, being vulnerable and just having fun. Traci and Cory Beth bicker like they've been siblings forever! So we went to a place that is a maze game room. The point is that they give you a puzzle room that you need to get out of. So me, Traci, my friend Thad and his boyfriend John, Will and another pineapple were on one team. Cory Beth and some girls were on the other team. I had to chuckle because Traci and I noticed that Traci was the only one that wasn't a pineapple. LOL. So we went into this room and we had 60 mins to get out of the room vs the other team! We won. We made it out of the room in 40 mins. The other team didn't even get out of the room. There was a piece of the puzzle where I could leave a note for the other team, so I left a note for Cory Beth and wrote this:

Dear Cory Beth, YOU LOSE!

While waiting for Cory Beth and his team, we just chatted with Thad and John. Then the other team came out, we took pics and then us boys: Traci, Cory Beth and myself stayed around a little bit longer and talked with some girls. I instantly made friends with the two ladies and a dude named Jason. It was really nice to chat with the girls, while I worked my magic. Then we decided to walk down the street a couple of blocks for ice cream. It was great. Traci and Cory Beth complained about the cold, because they are old ladies! LOL. Then Cory Beth put wooden spoons in his mouth and Traci freaked OUT! We were at a ice cream place and the tasting spoons were made of wood. I didn't realize that Traci was so afraid of wooden spoons!

Then we talked more about Traci and Cory Beth with Cory Beth's friends. Cory Beth gave Traci a dare: would he prefer to hold hands with a woman for 10 minutes or would you prefer to eat ice cream leisurely with a wooden spoon? Traci took the spoon, but either one would have drove Traci over the edge of craziness! I just laughed and laughed. Those two were an absolute delight. I love them very much. They are both very adorable!

I was greatly spoiled this Thanksgiving weekend. I spent time with boys that I consider my family, so it was time well spent.

A letter to Cherry Beth's mom

Dear Sister McBride,

It has come to my attention that your husband has recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Your son had shared that with me.  I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts, I hope that I haven’t stepped out of place to share them with you. Your son has been such a great example of faith,  resilience and a great example. He shared with me that he was given the opportunity to give your husband a blessing with his grandfather. He shared with me that he really felt the flow of the spirit strongly as he blessed him. He then mentioned that his grandfather told him to command the cancer to stop growing! When your son told me this small portion of what happened, I was filled with peace.  Days before he had shared with me that your husband might have prostate cancer, he seemed  worried. Yet, as I have gotten to know your son more, I have learned that not many things bother him much. He has a very positive attitude about almost everything. I have only known of a couple of things that have put your son on edge; this was one of them. Yet, as I asked him later when he had let me know about the test results, he seemed very unbothered. It’s sort of funny, because I think I’m more nervous about the test results. Yet, when I asked your son how he felt about the results, he said to me, “I feel really good. I gave my dad a blessing and I feel confident that things will work out. There isn’t much to worry about.”

When he said that to me, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace; what he said was true. My mother always taught me that children are a reflection of their parents. I feel like I’ve had a great glimpse of who you both are. I think, how wonderful you and your husband must be, given that your first born child is such a wonder. I’m very grateful that I’ve been able to get to know him. He’s been so kind to me. My favorite moments of him, have been his dedication to the temple and the gospel. On a trip that we went, he shared with me that one of his favorite memories was all of you but Kayla were able to go to the temple and worship together as a family. He was and still is determined that one day, Kayla will be able to join you all.  He said that you have always loved going there and so has he. He also mentioned on that trip how wonderful your husband has been in being a great example of being a provider of spiritual and physical needs to your family. He said that he admired that your husband is a great dad and a great example.

Your son has been a blessing to me. He has also given me blessings that have brought peace to my soul. I have felt the power of God come from him. For that I am very grateful to you and your husband. Thank you very much. I think you’ve done wonderfully in raising him in the light of the gospel.

I hope this short note will bring you peace and comfort during this time of uncertainty:

There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,

The earth and every common sight

To me did seem

Appareled in celestial light,

The glory and the freshness of a dream.

It is not now, as it has been of yore

Turn wherever I may,
By night or day,

The things which I have seen I now can see no more.

But there’s a tree, of many, one,

A single field which I have looked upon,

Both them speak of something that is gone;

The pansy at my feet

Doth the same tale repeat:

Whither is fled the visionary gleam?

Where is it now, the glory and the dream?

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting

The soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home.

Oh Fountains, Meadows, Hills and Groves,

Forebode not any severing of our loves!

Yet in my heart of hearts I feel your might;

I only have relinquished one delight

To live beneath your more habitual sway.

I love the brooks which down their channel’s fret,

Even more than when I ripped lightly as they;

The innocent brightness of a new-born Day

Is lovely yet;

The clouds that gather round the setting sun

Do take a sober coloring from an eye

That hath kept watch over man’s mortality;

Another race has been, and other palms are won.

Thanks to the human heart by which we live,

Thanks to its tenderness, its joys and fears

To me the meanest flower that blows can give

Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.

I hope and pray that you and your husband will always feel God’s love for you. I pray that the surgery on Wednesday will be successful. I pray that Bro. McBride will recover quickly. Above all, I hope that your family will be more fully enveloped in God’s love that no matter the circumstances you’ll always find confidence in His promises, you’ll hear His voice and you’ll all feel His presence and love.

Sincerely,

Joshua Rosen

Changing things

Dear Delysia,

The end of the year for me is really hard. I don't really know why. The things that come to my mind about that would be my family history: my family members visit the pearly gates during this time and I don't like endings.

I had a really good day today really. I went to the gym, did deep water aerobics and water zumba with a dear friend of mine. While I was dancing in the water, I was thinking how much fun I was having while doing the move set and just feeling sexy and moving so smoothly. But then the thoughts kept creeping into my mind that in April, the majority of my purpose with me gone. Cory Beth will be gone, Alexis will be gone, Boo Boo will be gone.

I had a really hard time taking those feelings out of my mind. I tried really hard not to sink into my shame spiral. That spiral is me feeling alone, unloved and thinking that I have to start from scratch again. I shared those feelings with my friend Torie, my gym buddy. Then I decided to go to the Temple.

I went to the temple and just prayed. I prayed and flipped open the Bible and read Isaiah 51:3:

For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving , and the voice of melody. 

It is so interesting how revelation from God works with me. I just picked up the book, flipped the pages and BOOM, it landed on this chapter. I really felt the peace and warm of the Spirit of God upon my heart. It made me feel not so alone. It made me feel like I was needed to be there to sustain my health, strength and energy to continue on the path of being the best person that I could be. Writing it down now, brings me the sensation of peace and feeling calm.

After my session of crying and sharing with the Lord how I felt and asking Him what I should be doing with the next 4 months, all I really got was wait and be still. While walking out, I missed a call from my best friend cousin, Traci. I called him. He told me he felt impressed to call me so he did. I love him. He is so good to me. He is such a good friend! We talked and he comforted me with sharing with me that I need to not be so focused on things I have no control over. He encouraged me to focus on things that I can control, like loving those around me when they are in my sphere of influence, taking the time to take care of myself, get a hobby that is just for me.

I am entertaining that idea. I need to get out of debt and then think of something!

Thanksgiving Letter

Cherry Beth,

I'm not really sure what to share with you. All that I've wanted to share, I've shared. I've really had to think hard on what I should share with you.

I don't really like holidays. Holidays are a struggle. A majority of my family members die during this time. On my mission, my cousin who I grew up with killed himself, my aunts, sister, uncle, grandpa, grandma have died. Mom's dad died during this time. That was an ugly situation. We didn't go to his funeral. My mom's sister and brother went, but we didn't. Mom went to the temple that day. I would have gone if mama would have agreed. But I didn't go. I would have been the only representative on her and I would have had a hard time remaining cool and collected. We stayed home and the rest of my mothers' family cried heretic towards mother. She wouldn't speak to anyone that day, so they spoke to me. Seeing my sister pass from a brain tumor during the Christmas season was hard. She died a couple of days before she turned 8. 

I think the other thing I think during these times are, what am I going to do for the next 18 yrs? Mama won't be around forever. My siblings have lives of their own, with babies of their own. I have decided that I would just do what my mission president told me to do: love the unloved, forgotten, unnoticed and abandoned. So I decided to go to the homeless shelter. I did spend time with my Aunt from my father's side of the family. Though, I didn't grow up with them, so they don't know me well. And I am much older than her kids. Her oldest is 24 or 25 and her youngest is 8. I'm old for her family! LOL. 

The more that I think about things, the more I think I'm OK. The reality of being alone will never really change, I will always feel that way. I suppose I just get better at distracting myself from that reality. I was really happy Traci had time to spend with me. When he left, I was really depressed. We spent way too much time chatting till 1 am on Friday and Saturday night. I may have pushed myself too much, because I'm feeling stretched thin today. But it was just nice to be around him. I was in a foul mood on Sunday. Then when I thought about it, I get like that when my siblings or mama come and visit me and then they leave. I don't like it when they leave. I feel safe, I feel taken care of, I feel loved. So... I tried really hard not to feel that way. I felt better when I spoke to Traci when he was driving home. I stayed up too late with him while he drove. I didn't get off the phone till 1 am. Yet, I didn't sleep very well either. Talking to him, just made my mind race with all his questions and concerns about life. I really like counseling with him. His opinions about life are so different than mine, yet when I learn more and more about him, I think he and I are really not that much different. We just respond to the same stimulates very differently. It makes me feel like I can understand him and he can understand me. I like that. 

It is sort of funny, I have noticed that I've been drawn to men who are very similar to Traci. They are usually these artsy, brilliant, somewhat shy dudes that are just real, down to earth and a little bit shy. It is sort of weird. I've noticed that about my behavior with some of these dudes in my ward. There are a handful of them that remind me of Traci and so I want to be around them. I mean, they aren't him, but they are very similar. I do that with women. I am drawn to women who have a strong sense of spirituality and fortitude like mom. Then there are friends that I'm friends with because we can relate to certain things. Boo Boo was making fun of me that Jules and I don't really tease each other. The reason for that is because Jules and I have known what abuse is. So teasing isn't what we do. We understand each other in a way that is interesting. We bond thru our pain and we balance each other out. She's so manly and I'm a lady boy. It's works nicely. Boo Boo I tease because she's like my sister who hasn't be touched by abuse, so she's been unspoiled by the harsh realities as Jules and I have been in. Boo Boo is a deep thinker and just a girly girl... so naturally we click! LOL... 

I really enjoyed watching you and Traci interact with each other. I love it when you're yourself. Just a goofy little boy doing goofy things and having a good time. Traci is the same way. I love that about you two. Watching you two jab at each other was like watching little brothers fuss with each other because they want the other to pay attention to him. It was so cute. You two are so adorable with each other. I can tell you two really care for one another. I felt like I was with my siblings, when they hassle each other for attention. You've changed a lot. You're opinions about life have changed. It seems like you're moving in a direction that you've never really traveled before. 

When I was talking to Traci yesterday, we were talking about what I could see with you and what I could see with him and I was just overcome with the knowledge that you, Traci and I are in the place we need to be to be the best people. That brought me a lot of peace. I wish that you had more time to spend with Traci on your own with him. Traci loves you. He thinks the world of you. When I say objections about you, he always comes back to the truth that he wants you to be blessed as much as he has been blessed. He has so many fond memories and experiences of and with you. I am really lucky that I know you two so well. When I see you both behave in ways that I think are beneath yourselves, it frustrates me because I know it is beneath you. Yet, to the common onlooker, they would think nothing of it. You are a wonderful person. I find myself so lucky that I know you as well as I do. I have learned so much from you. You surprise me a lot too, in good ways. I will be really sad when you leave Provo for good. 

I am really excited for my family Christmas Party. I am really happy for all the souls that I've come in contact with. There is a guy that I work with at Vivint Solar that reminds me of you. He is a bro, pretty, young and impressionable. He also has a very kind heart, and is shy. He has been struggling with whether or not if he wanted to go on a mission. I've been trying to reach out to him and be friends to encourage him to want to go on a mission. I've pushed him a little bit to talk to me and really think about what he believed and what he doesn't. He got his patriarchal blessing and has decided to go on a mission. Today he told me! I used to have to throw myself at him. He comes to me a little bit now, on his own, just to see how I'm doing. Granted, he's 19 yrs, but he'll do a lot of good, if he'll not be so scared. He thinks too much of things that don't matter, yet he's changing a lot. It brings me a lot of comfort to see him progress. I don't think that I'll see him ever again, once he leave for his mission. He may not ever remember the talks that we had about the gospel, but it's nice to see people just feel like they are safe. I hope I've been a blessing to him. I probably don't know until the day of judgement. 

I think that is all... I suppose, while I was listening to this one dude in Sacrament, he did a great job at speaking about being authentically yourself and how to help others come back to church. It was a great message, yet the whole time I was thinking, "Why don't you come to church enough to help the rest of us feel and learn from your strength?" This dudes doesn't come to church all that often because he has a rebellious soul and he's too smart for his own good. Yet it seems wasted on things that don't matter. He said that it's easy to leave the church if you do these things: drink/do drugs, stop praying, stop reading the scriptures, stop going to church and look at porn. He said that in a month, you'll lose your testimony and want to leave the church. He also said that answering wavering members questions about why they wish to leave doesn't help so much as just being their friend and loving them. He shared with us a really sensitive story about how he was wayward and then realized that he was wrong the whole time and needed to change. I almost think that I should reach out to him. Yet scares me a bit. He reminds me of a man on my mission that hurt me. So, I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'm ready to reach out to him. 

Then in EQ, the teacher posed a question on how we can be like Alma and Amulek. He asked how we can recognize the potential of Amuleks in our lives. The two dudes that answered, didn't even answer the question. The one that pissed me off, was when the EQ presidency member said that even if we don't know how to look upon others and see their potential, the Savior knows what that is like. And I raised my hand and said that it's not hard to see others potential if we'd just go and talk to others, ask them questions about themselves and make them believe that we're interested in that because we really are. Once we do that, we can see the divine nature of others. I also said that it doesn't matter if we know that we're Amulek, we all know we can do better. What matters more is if we can look upon a fellow Amulek and help him become an Alma the way that others have helped us become Alma's. I have such disgust in my heart for the EQ presidency. They have very little love for anyone but themselves and their own. That drives me insane. It isn't enough for us to have just a wife/husband and kids. The priesthood only blesses the wife and kids directly. You need a community to make it back. Who blesses the Husband? Not the wife or kids. We need each other to make it back and it bothers me that so many of us are so distracted by the here and now and not the greater picture...

The teacher though of EQ is wonderful. He is one that reminds me of Traci. He is a wonderful teacher and very insightful. He read a quote from the book,'Mans search for Meaning'. The quote said that only thru loving another individual can you truly see them for who they are. Loving another person is the way that a soul can see another soul for who they are and for who they have always have been. I know that to be true. Charity, the pure love of Christ opens the flood gates of heaven. It is super hard, but once the gates are open, it is really hard to close them.

... I just had deja vu.... hmmmmmm....

... That is all Cherry Beth. You're great. Thank you for your kindness and patience with me.

Eden

Dear Delysia,

This week has been really hard and yet really good. The hard part has been listening to Traci whine and moan about his broken heart for a woman that he's obsessed with. Being a social worker, listening is a thing that I like to think that I'm good at. Yet, I hate listen to him talk about a woman that I loathe. I don't have an issue with listening to him hurt over someone he cares for, but when it's about a woman that I HATE, I have a low tolerance to listen to it. It takes so much energy for me to listen to his roller coaster ride of emotions. Even when he gets really angry or passionate, it really scares me. I don't do well with men yelling and screaming and being mad. I don't do well with that.

Sometimes, I often wonder if Traci cares for me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I do care for him, yet I almost feel like an interim to the real thing. I also sometimes think that there are moments where he's too nice to me. He's really become a lot nicer in general, but I sometimes think that that isn't good. It makes me sometimes pine after that behavior for my own. It awakens my thirst and I don't like that very much. I am happy that he is kind to me and makes me feel cared for, but it's probably best that I always keep some distance. I am lucky that I don't have that issue with Cory Beth. I don't really feel after Cory Beth. He tries hard, but I just don't feel cared for. He reaches out to me, and tries, I just don't always feel that it is real. I did a couple of times. Yet, but I think a lot of it with Cory Beth is that I know him. I know what Cory Beth is about and friendship with a pineapple isn't his thing. I also don't think that he feels like he needs me, so I don't really know what to do with him. I mean, I feel like if Cory Beth doesn't want to counsel with me or tell me about his life choices and issues, I don't see anything. Plus it doesn't really help that my love for him has faded. I like him, but I've chosen to return to him what he has given me: casual connection with minimal effort. I am very grateful that he reaches out to me. I almost feel like he does it because he feels like it's a check list and not so much that he cares about me. I'm a lot of work and effort, and that is a huge deterrent to most people. I appreciate his effort. It's not enough for me. Yet, I don't know if it's right for me to wish that he could do more.

My mission President told me that the relationships that work, are the ones when they don't worry about who gives what. The ones that fail are the ones where one partner is expecting equality in effort. He told me that that attitude is what kills marriage. No marriage is ever equal for very many moments. But that is true in all friendships as well. I suppose I need to learn to be happy and to accept the effort that is made, even when it's not even close to what you've given. What matters is that you care for them and they care for you. You just love them and don't judge them. I like that point of view. I just think that there is too many things going against Cory Beth. He doesn't really do well with long distant relationships, he doesn't really want friendship, he is looking for himself and his goals that revolve around him. Though, truthfully, that is what our culture tells us. Do these things so that you can be happy. Obtain this, go get that, you're incomplete without these things. Having a family, dating is selfish. I mean, the church is set up in a way where you go to church for 3 hours. Only 1 hour are you together with your family. The other 2 hours, you're separated. You're asked to mingle with others and you have to trust others to take care of their loved ones as much as you are trusted to take care of theirs. Serving in the church and being able to be like God is all about being unselfish. The first two commandments are the hardest, yet very doable: Love God and Love others as yourself. When you can love others as much as yourself or your wife/husband/kids, you've learned charity. But that is hard to want to care for others as much as you care for yourself. To be selfish is human, to love others is divine.

The hard thing too this week has been my feeling of being uninterested in the life that I have. I am trying to be a blessing. I feel really good about that. My gifts are wonderful. I have been really blessed. The most gifts that I have are really amazing. Yet, the cost has made it so I am alone. I can guide, help, support and be a shoulder to cry on. But they are just shadows of what I want. I want to feel loved. Yet, on the other hand, I have decided to not want to have marriage at anytime. So I suppose, I need to pull myself together. I have no right to complain about wanting to be loved. I need to let this go. I need to let go of my hard feelings.

I feel very blah. I hope that soon, I won't ever really care for relationships with people, knowing fully that they are temporary. Nothing lasts in this life, but our ability to learn and develop relationships. In the time being, I will be alone. I feel better distracting myself with other problems. Having brunches with people that I know who want to feel included, checking up on others who just had family that past, listening to the broken-hearted. I suppose it will be better once I die.

I asked Traci to go to the temple as ask the Lord what I should be doing. He came back and told me that I should tend and take care of the garden and be happy. I don't have to leave the garden, I can stay and tend and cultivate the souls in my life. Plants are beautiful. Watching things grow and flowering is wonderful. Maybe, it's better to be the legendary cultivator of plants. Being able to watch plants and animals grow are probably a good thing. I want something better, and should cling to that idea. Ugh... being a blessing to others has a price. You wonder if you're actually amazing. No one notices. The ones that are blessed slip away into eternity, only to remember that small moment, if you're lucky. Oh well, tomorrow I can do what I want to do, rest and be well.

I don't cry anymore when I speak of my life situation. It's just, this is how it is, so move forward.

Thanks for listening to me Delysia! I love you.

PS.

On a side note, there is a guy that reminds me of Cory Beth that has been really kind to me. As much as he can be given that he's 19. He's been willing to share his balloons with me. Though, I've fought me a little bit, but he's been willing to let me have/share his balloons. Maybe I'm learning a lesser lesson from a reflection of Cory Beth. Maybe it will workout or not.

A Hero

Dear Delysia,


As I have learned and have watched and listened to you... I believe you harbor this ideology of being a Hero.

And I think, that is true.

So if that is true, then this is what I think of Hero's... I think the true secret in being a hero lies in knowing the order of things. The swinehart cannot already be wed to a princess when he embarks on his adventures, nor can the boy knock on the witch's door when she is already away on vacation. The wicked uncle cannot be found out and foiled before he does something wicked. Things must happen when it is time for them to happen. Quests may not simply be abandoned; prophecies may not be left to rot like unpicked fruit; people may go rescued for a very long time, but not forever. The happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story. 

Trevor, revelation is like seeing pictures of the story. The reason you aren't allowed to see much of the rest of your story is because it sometimes keeps you from moving forward, page 65 doesn't make sense, when you're on page 10. Why would He give you a glimpse of page 65? To give you hope, because whether the scene in 65 stays there or not doesn't matter. The scene will come!

You are a hero. You have always been one and will forever remain one.

I told you once before, a mans character is often his destiny. Live up to that truth!  There is greatness in you.

 

What I am saying is, The hero knows and understand that there is order in his story. To be the hero, he must know that hardship must come. He must be spurned to move forward, by love. It is always by love, for all other causes are of duty, not love.

Moments with Cherry Beth

Dear Delysia,

Here is the conversation that I had with Cory Beth. It really makes me happy and yet sad. I never know where I am at with him. It has been such a roller coaster ride for me to try and understand and want to. He is so different than me, and I wish that I could connect with him. Yet, I am at peace with not connecting with him. I'm not sure that he'll be a friend that I want in the future. I could be wrong, but I'm not sure. I sort of don't really care either. However I am very happy that what he shared with me, was the nicest thing he has ever told me. I sometimes wish he was always that way. I suppose I haven't learned to accept things as they are. But his kindness made me happy.

Cory Beth: Josh here's what comes to my mind regarding what the bishop told you. We're here in life to learn, grow, and become like God. There are so many lessons we need to learn and so many talents we're supposed to develop. Most people have aspirations, goals, or at least desires to develop these talents. People want to develop skills to make them great people. People in your ward - and all around you - wish they had the talents you have. Wayyyyyyyy more than you realize, people admire what you have and would love to have it for themselves. Talents like your insanely incredible ability to interact with people, or your talent to see truth at such a deep level and understand the world as you do, or your ability to act for and be yourself even if it isn't the norm. You have already developed so far and achieved much of what we're supposed to in this life - and even the life to come.

This tells me 1- you were an amazing soul in the pre-earth life. You were extraordinarily valiant and developed at a rate greater than most. This is apparent in your earthly abilities. perhaps you developing further than most gives you the opportunity to have trials that most could not handle. Which leads to blessings far far greater than most when you prove faithful. I believe you that you will be compensated with greater blessings than a normal marriage in the hereafter.

2. So I forgot what my number 2 was. If I had the intelligence you had, I would have remembered it 

3. You can be incredibly grateful for the amount that you have developed. You are what so many people wish they were.

Me: Really?.... I don't see that.... 

I mean, I have a lot be grateful for.I told my mom of what the Bishop told me and how he really complimented me. She said that a guy at the wedding, had spoke with Rosie. He said to Rosie that he was very impressed with the sons of my family. He said that the boys didn't seem to have rivalry or hurt feelings with one another.And he also said that he noticed the the boys seemed to care and love each other. He was very impressed with the tender affection that Baby Phat, me and Jacob pooh showed to each other... He said that he was very impressed with our attitude in helping out.That made me happy, because that reflection is of my mother, not of Rosie. Rosie doesn't help. He is very selfish.

So, I was really happy that mama told me that. Mama taught us kids to really be helpers and supports to each other. I am happy that strangers notice. It just is a manifestation that mama was a good parent. For she has always entertained the idea that she wasn't one.I just felt peace and happiness for mama. We were a great reflection of her teachings. Even on Sunday, I was really feeling troubled, annoyed and uninterested in being social.Yet, I was just really surrounded by the spirit. It was like the warm fuzzies were so thick that I could float in the air.

Then, Traci told me yesterday, that when he is around other people, he feels very cynical and has a lot doubts in his mind with what is going on in his life.But then he said, that he noticed that when he talks to me, and prays, that he feels at peace and feels calm about what he's been told and given by me and by revelation. That made me feel good inside. It means that Traci and I are on the right path. And even though he may not recognize the spirit when he speaks with me, he has recognized the way he feels and how clear he can see when we counsel with one another.

That makes me happy.

Relationships

Dear Delysia,

The thing that I look at and learn from relationships; friendship and other relationships can have emotional costs as well as rewards. The people that are around me seem to be damaged in a way that even my gifts can't simply fix. But knowing them and caring for them comes the feeling of sorrow, empathy and the nature of regret.

It is interesting, children are like immortal creatures in their own way. Immortal as in Tolkiens Elves or Unicorns... For a time, a child lives in their own world upon which other people, helpful or not, impede and intrude and expand and draw them out of that world. J.M. Barrie wrote, "It is only the gay and innocent and heartless that can fly," he captured the essence of childhood as a self-contained kingdom where the whims and wants and needs of others hold no dominion. It is state rather untroubled existence in the forests and imagination of the mind. It is very similar to that of the state of Adam and Eve. Once they left the garden and spent all their time in this dying world, entangled in the obligations and the feelings and desires of others, the more of their 'innocence' and heartlessness are worn away. And once they have truly learned of their mortal state, I imagine they are haunted at times of the memories where they lived a peaceful, uncomplicated emptiness. It almost seems like the phrase: It is better for us to pass thru sorrow that we may know the good from the evil, could be translated to something like this: To live a mortal experience, it is gradual, sometimes painful as we move away from the safety of a more isolated existence and toward empathy and socialization and obligations to others... Growing up.

It's a process that begins but doesn't end in childhood, as the world and the people we meet change us in a million unexpected ways, for better or worse. I like that it's possible to move past pain and fear, but not to pretend that they don't exist. It's almost saying to us all that if we're willing to sacrifice the comfortable, insulated boundaries of our own solitude, it will be worth it.

This is a hope of mine. I hope you like it too. 

The Puppy Whines

Dear Delysia,

The past 3 weeks, Traci has been unbearable with his whining about his life situation. We had a little bit of a fight. We got over that, but it has been really hard for me to listen to you him about his yearning to date and marry a girl that I hate.

Yes, she broke up with him and he wants her back. He like to date mean girls. He likes these broken women because they need him. The irony is, he needs women to complete himself just as much as these broken girls need him, because he'll endure their cruelty.

It is hard for me to listen to him want to marry a girl that is nothing compared to his prowess. Though, it isn't my decision nor is it my life. I let it go, I just hate having to listen to him cry about how much he misses her. A part of me wants to just shake him and say, get over it! She left you. Move on! She doesn't want you! Find someone who does want you!

But anytime that I say anything negative about her, he gets really defensive about her. I hate that too. So, I think it is good that I have come to terms that I will be single forever and always and that I don't want to be wanting for another to complete me. I am complete without another.

However, despite Traci's thirsty tendencies, I really enjoy his thoughts and counsel. He has a very unique point of view about things in life.

He told me that he received revelation that 80 will come back to him. If or When she comes back, I am going to dip out. I hate that woman. I am happy though, that he's been very kind to me and very thoughtful of me. I feel loved by him. He's been very tender to me. He's an adorable puppy! giggles...