Thanksgiving Letter

Cherry Beth,

I'm not really sure what to share with you. All that I've wanted to share, I've shared. I've really had to think hard on what I should share with you.

I don't really like holidays. Holidays are a struggle. A majority of my family members die during this time. On my mission, my cousin who I grew up with killed himself, my aunts, sister, uncle, grandpa, grandma have died. Mom's dad died during this time. That was an ugly situation. We didn't go to his funeral. My mom's sister and brother went, but we didn't. Mom went to the temple that day. I would have gone if mama would have agreed. But I didn't go. I would have been the only representative on her and I would have had a hard time remaining cool and collected. We stayed home and the rest of my mothers' family cried heretic towards mother. She wouldn't speak to anyone that day, so they spoke to me. Seeing my sister pass from a brain tumor during the Christmas season was hard. She died a couple of days before she turned 8. 

I think the other thing I think during these times are, what am I going to do for the next 18 yrs? Mama won't be around forever. My siblings have lives of their own, with babies of their own. I have decided that I would just do what my mission president told me to do: love the unloved, forgotten, unnoticed and abandoned. So I decided to go to the homeless shelter. I did spend time with my Aunt from my father's side of the family. Though, I didn't grow up with them, so they don't know me well. And I am much older than her kids. Her oldest is 24 or 25 and her youngest is 8. I'm old for her family! LOL. 

The more that I think about things, the more I think I'm OK. The reality of being alone will never really change, I will always feel that way. I suppose I just get better at distracting myself from that reality. I was really happy Traci had time to spend with me. When he left, I was really depressed. We spent way too much time chatting till 1 am on Friday and Saturday night. I may have pushed myself too much, because I'm feeling stretched thin today. But it was just nice to be around him. I was in a foul mood on Sunday. Then when I thought about it, I get like that when my siblings or mama come and visit me and then they leave. I don't like it when they leave. I feel safe, I feel taken care of, I feel loved. So... I tried really hard not to feel that way. I felt better when I spoke to Traci when he was driving home. I stayed up too late with him while he drove. I didn't get off the phone till 1 am. Yet, I didn't sleep very well either. Talking to him, just made my mind race with all his questions and concerns about life. I really like counseling with him. His opinions about life are so different than mine, yet when I learn more and more about him, I think he and I are really not that much different. We just respond to the same stimulates very differently. It makes me feel like I can understand him and he can understand me. I like that. 

It is sort of funny, I have noticed that I've been drawn to men who are very similar to Traci. They are usually these artsy, brilliant, somewhat shy dudes that are just real, down to earth and a little bit shy. It is sort of weird. I've noticed that about my behavior with some of these dudes in my ward. There are a handful of them that remind me of Traci and so I want to be around them. I mean, they aren't him, but they are very similar. I do that with women. I am drawn to women who have a strong sense of spirituality and fortitude like mom. Then there are friends that I'm friends with because we can relate to certain things. Boo Boo was making fun of me that Jules and I don't really tease each other. The reason for that is because Jules and I have known what abuse is. So teasing isn't what we do. We understand each other in a way that is interesting. We bond thru our pain and we balance each other out. She's so manly and I'm a lady boy. It's works nicely. Boo Boo I tease because she's like my sister who hasn't be touched by abuse, so she's been unspoiled by the harsh realities as Jules and I have been in. Boo Boo is a deep thinker and just a girly girl... so naturally we click! LOL... 

I really enjoyed watching you and Traci interact with each other. I love it when you're yourself. Just a goofy little boy doing goofy things and having a good time. Traci is the same way. I love that about you two. Watching you two jab at each other was like watching little brothers fuss with each other because they want the other to pay attention to him. It was so cute. You two are so adorable with each other. I can tell you two really care for one another. I felt like I was with my siblings, when they hassle each other for attention. You've changed a lot. You're opinions about life have changed. It seems like you're moving in a direction that you've never really traveled before. 

When I was talking to Traci yesterday, we were talking about what I could see with you and what I could see with him and I was just overcome with the knowledge that you, Traci and I are in the place we need to be to be the best people. That brought me a lot of peace. I wish that you had more time to spend with Traci on your own with him. Traci loves you. He thinks the world of you. When I say objections about you, he always comes back to the truth that he wants you to be blessed as much as he has been blessed. He has so many fond memories and experiences of and with you. I am really lucky that I know you two so well. When I see you both behave in ways that I think are beneath yourselves, it frustrates me because I know it is beneath you. Yet, to the common onlooker, they would think nothing of it. You are a wonderful person. I find myself so lucky that I know you as well as I do. I have learned so much from you. You surprise me a lot too, in good ways. I will be really sad when you leave Provo for good. 

I am really excited for my family Christmas Party. I am really happy for all the souls that I've come in contact with. There is a guy that I work with at Vivint Solar that reminds me of you. He is a bro, pretty, young and impressionable. He also has a very kind heart, and is shy. He has been struggling with whether or not if he wanted to go on a mission. I've been trying to reach out to him and be friends to encourage him to want to go on a mission. I've pushed him a little bit to talk to me and really think about what he believed and what he doesn't. He got his patriarchal blessing and has decided to go on a mission. Today he told me! I used to have to throw myself at him. He comes to me a little bit now, on his own, just to see how I'm doing. Granted, he's 19 yrs, but he'll do a lot of good, if he'll not be so scared. He thinks too much of things that don't matter, yet he's changing a lot. It brings me a lot of comfort to see him progress. I don't think that I'll see him ever again, once he leave for his mission. He may not ever remember the talks that we had about the gospel, but it's nice to see people just feel like they are safe. I hope I've been a blessing to him. I probably don't know until the day of judgement. 

I think that is all... I suppose, while I was listening to this one dude in Sacrament, he did a great job at speaking about being authentically yourself and how to help others come back to church. It was a great message, yet the whole time I was thinking, "Why don't you come to church enough to help the rest of us feel and learn from your strength?" This dudes doesn't come to church all that often because he has a rebellious soul and he's too smart for his own good. Yet it seems wasted on things that don't matter. He said that it's easy to leave the church if you do these things: drink/do drugs, stop praying, stop reading the scriptures, stop going to church and look at porn. He said that in a month, you'll lose your testimony and want to leave the church. He also said that answering wavering members questions about why they wish to leave doesn't help so much as just being their friend and loving them. He shared with us a really sensitive story about how he was wayward and then realized that he was wrong the whole time and needed to change. I almost think that I should reach out to him. Yet scares me a bit. He reminds me of a man on my mission that hurt me. So, I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'm ready to reach out to him. 

Then in EQ, the teacher posed a question on how we can be like Alma and Amulek. He asked how we can recognize the potential of Amuleks in our lives. The two dudes that answered, didn't even answer the question. The one that pissed me off, was when the EQ presidency member said that even if we don't know how to look upon others and see their potential, the Savior knows what that is like. And I raised my hand and said that it's not hard to see others potential if we'd just go and talk to others, ask them questions about themselves and make them believe that we're interested in that because we really are. Once we do that, we can see the divine nature of others. I also said that it doesn't matter if we know that we're Amulek, we all know we can do better. What matters more is if we can look upon a fellow Amulek and help him become an Alma the way that others have helped us become Alma's. I have such disgust in my heart for the EQ presidency. They have very little love for anyone but themselves and their own. That drives me insane. It isn't enough for us to have just a wife/husband and kids. The priesthood only blesses the wife and kids directly. You need a community to make it back. Who blesses the Husband? Not the wife or kids. We need each other to make it back and it bothers me that so many of us are so distracted by the here and now and not the greater picture...

The teacher though of EQ is wonderful. He is one that reminds me of Traci. He is a wonderful teacher and very insightful. He read a quote from the book,'Mans search for Meaning'. The quote said that only thru loving another individual can you truly see them for who they are. Loving another person is the way that a soul can see another soul for who they are and for who they have always have been. I know that to be true. Charity, the pure love of Christ opens the flood gates of heaven. It is super hard, but once the gates are open, it is really hard to close them.

... I just had deja vu.... hmmmmmm....

... That is all Cherry Beth. You're great. Thank you for your kindness and patience with me.