Dear Delysia,
This week has been really
hard and yet really good. The hard part has been listening to Traci
whine and moan about his broken heart for a woman that he's obsessed
with. Being a social worker, listening is a thing that I like to think
that I'm good at. Yet, I hate listen to him talk about a woman that I
loathe. I don't have an issue with listening to him hurt over someone he
cares for, but when it's about a woman that I HATE, I have a low
tolerance to listen to it. It takes so much energy for me to listen to
his roller coaster ride of emotions. Even when he gets really angry or
passionate, it really scares me. I don't do well with men yelling and
screaming and being mad. I don't do well with that.
Sometimes, I often wonder if Traci cares for me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I do care for him, yet I almost feel like an interim to the real thing. I also sometimes think that there are moments where he's too nice to me. He's really become a lot nicer in general, but I sometimes think that that isn't good. It makes me sometimes pine after that behavior for my own. It awakens my thirst and I don't like that very much. I am happy that he is kind to me and makes me feel cared for, but it's probably best that I always keep some distance. I am lucky that I don't have that issue with Cory Beth. I don't really feel after Cory Beth. He tries hard, but I just don't feel cared for. He reaches out to me, and tries, I just don't always feel that it is real. I did a couple of times. Yet, but I think a lot of it with Cory Beth is that I know him. I know what Cory Beth is about and friendship with a pineapple isn't his thing. I also don't think that he feels like he needs me, so I don't really know what to do with him. I mean, I feel like if Cory Beth doesn't want to counsel with me or tell me about his life choices and issues, I don't see anything. Plus it doesn't really help that my love for him has faded. I like him, but I've chosen to return to him what he has given me: casual connection with minimal effort. I am very grateful that he reaches out to me. I almost feel like he does it because he feels like it's a check list and not so much that he cares about me. I'm a lot of work and effort, and that is a huge deterrent to most people. I appreciate his effort. It's not enough for me. Yet, I don't know if it's right for me to wish that he could do more.
My mission President told me that the relationships that work, are the ones when they don't worry about who gives what. The ones that fail are the ones where one partner is expecting equality in effort. He told me that that attitude is what kills marriage. No marriage is ever equal for very many moments. But that is true in all friendships as well. I suppose I need to learn to be happy and to accept the effort that is made, even when it's not even close to what you've given. What matters is that you care for them and they care for you. You just love them and don't judge them. I like that point of view. I just think that there is too many things going against Cory Beth. He doesn't really do well with long distant relationships, he doesn't really want friendship, he is looking for himself and his goals that revolve around him. Though, truthfully, that is what our culture tells us. Do these things so that you can be happy. Obtain this, go get that, you're incomplete without these things. Having a family, dating is selfish. I mean, the church is set up in a way where you go to church for 3 hours. Only 1 hour are you together with your family. The other 2 hours, you're separated. You're asked to mingle with others and you have to trust others to take care of their loved ones as much as you are trusted to take care of theirs. Serving in the church and being able to be like God is all about being unselfish. The first two commandments are the hardest, yet very doable: Love God and Love others as yourself. When you can love others as much as yourself or your wife/husband/kids, you've learned charity. But that is hard to want to care for others as much as you care for yourself. To be selfish is human, to love others is divine.
The hard thing too this week has been my feeling of being uninterested in the life that I have. I am trying to be a blessing. I feel really good about that. My gifts are wonderful. I have been really blessed. The most gifts that I have are really amazing. Yet, the cost has made it so I am alone. I can guide, help, support and be a shoulder to cry on. But they are just shadows of what I want. I want to feel loved. Yet, on the other hand, I have decided to not want to have marriage at anytime. So I suppose, I need to pull myself together. I have no right to complain about wanting to be loved. I need to let this go. I need to let go of my hard feelings.
I feel very blah. I hope that soon, I won't ever really care for relationships with people, knowing fully that they are temporary. Nothing lasts in this life, but our ability to learn and develop relationships. In the time being, I will be alone. I feel better distracting myself with other problems. Having brunches with people that I know who want to feel included, checking up on others who just had family that past, listening to the broken-hearted. I suppose it will be better once I die.
I asked Traci to go to the temple as ask the Lord what I should be doing. He came back and told me that I should tend and take care of the garden and be happy. I don't have to leave the garden, I can stay and tend and cultivate the souls in my life. Plants are beautiful. Watching things grow and flowering is wonderful. Maybe, it's better to be the legendary cultivator of plants. Being able to watch plants and animals grow are probably a good thing. I want something better, and should cling to that idea. Ugh... being a blessing to others has a price. You wonder if you're actually amazing. No one notices. The ones that are blessed slip away into eternity, only to remember that small moment, if you're lucky. Oh well, tomorrow I can do what I want to do, rest and be well.
I don't cry anymore when I speak of my life situation. It's just, this is how it is, so move forward.
Thanks for listening to me Delysia! I love you.
PS.
On a side note, there is a guy that reminds me of Cory Beth that has been really kind to me. As much as he can be given that he's 19. He's been willing to share his balloons with me. Though, I've fought me a little bit, but he's been willing to let me have/share his balloons. Maybe I'm learning a lesser lesson from a reflection of Cory Beth. Maybe it will workout or not.
Sometimes, I often wonder if Traci cares for me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I do care for him, yet I almost feel like an interim to the real thing. I also sometimes think that there are moments where he's too nice to me. He's really become a lot nicer in general, but I sometimes think that that isn't good. It makes me sometimes pine after that behavior for my own. It awakens my thirst and I don't like that very much. I am happy that he is kind to me and makes me feel cared for, but it's probably best that I always keep some distance. I am lucky that I don't have that issue with Cory Beth. I don't really feel after Cory Beth. He tries hard, but I just don't feel cared for. He reaches out to me, and tries, I just don't always feel that it is real. I did a couple of times. Yet, but I think a lot of it with Cory Beth is that I know him. I know what Cory Beth is about and friendship with a pineapple isn't his thing. I also don't think that he feels like he needs me, so I don't really know what to do with him. I mean, I feel like if Cory Beth doesn't want to counsel with me or tell me about his life choices and issues, I don't see anything. Plus it doesn't really help that my love for him has faded. I like him, but I've chosen to return to him what he has given me: casual connection with minimal effort. I am very grateful that he reaches out to me. I almost feel like he does it because he feels like it's a check list and not so much that he cares about me. I'm a lot of work and effort, and that is a huge deterrent to most people. I appreciate his effort. It's not enough for me. Yet, I don't know if it's right for me to wish that he could do more.
My mission President told me that the relationships that work, are the ones when they don't worry about who gives what. The ones that fail are the ones where one partner is expecting equality in effort. He told me that that attitude is what kills marriage. No marriage is ever equal for very many moments. But that is true in all friendships as well. I suppose I need to learn to be happy and to accept the effort that is made, even when it's not even close to what you've given. What matters is that you care for them and they care for you. You just love them and don't judge them. I like that point of view. I just think that there is too many things going against Cory Beth. He doesn't really do well with long distant relationships, he doesn't really want friendship, he is looking for himself and his goals that revolve around him. Though, truthfully, that is what our culture tells us. Do these things so that you can be happy. Obtain this, go get that, you're incomplete without these things. Having a family, dating is selfish. I mean, the church is set up in a way where you go to church for 3 hours. Only 1 hour are you together with your family. The other 2 hours, you're separated. You're asked to mingle with others and you have to trust others to take care of their loved ones as much as you are trusted to take care of theirs. Serving in the church and being able to be like God is all about being unselfish. The first two commandments are the hardest, yet very doable: Love God and Love others as yourself. When you can love others as much as yourself or your wife/husband/kids, you've learned charity. But that is hard to want to care for others as much as you care for yourself. To be selfish is human, to love others is divine.
The hard thing too this week has been my feeling of being uninterested in the life that I have. I am trying to be a blessing. I feel really good about that. My gifts are wonderful. I have been really blessed. The most gifts that I have are really amazing. Yet, the cost has made it so I am alone. I can guide, help, support and be a shoulder to cry on. But they are just shadows of what I want. I want to feel loved. Yet, on the other hand, I have decided to not want to have marriage at anytime. So I suppose, I need to pull myself together. I have no right to complain about wanting to be loved. I need to let this go. I need to let go of my hard feelings.
I feel very blah. I hope that soon, I won't ever really care for relationships with people, knowing fully that they are temporary. Nothing lasts in this life, but our ability to learn and develop relationships. In the time being, I will be alone. I feel better distracting myself with other problems. Having brunches with people that I know who want to feel included, checking up on others who just had family that past, listening to the broken-hearted. I suppose it will be better once I die.
I asked Traci to go to the temple as ask the Lord what I should be doing. He came back and told me that I should tend and take care of the garden and be happy. I don't have to leave the garden, I can stay and tend and cultivate the souls in my life. Plants are beautiful. Watching things grow and flowering is wonderful. Maybe, it's better to be the legendary cultivator of plants. Being able to watch plants and animals grow are probably a good thing. I want something better, and should cling to that idea. Ugh... being a blessing to others has a price. You wonder if you're actually amazing. No one notices. The ones that are blessed slip away into eternity, only to remember that small moment, if you're lucky. Oh well, tomorrow I can do what I want to do, rest and be well.
I don't cry anymore when I speak of my life situation. It's just, this is how it is, so move forward.
Thanks for listening to me Delysia! I love you.
PS.
On a side note, there is a guy that reminds me of Cory Beth that has been really kind to me. As much as he can be given that he's 19. He's been willing to share his balloons with me. Though, I've fought me a little bit, but he's been willing to let me have/share his balloons. Maybe I'm learning a lesser lesson from a reflection of Cory Beth. Maybe it will workout or not.
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