A Big Fight

Dear Delysia, 

Today, I got in a huge fight with Trevor. The church came out with a new website about pineapples and normal people. Trevor was reading all the things that his friends had to say about the new website and their thoughts about the church and being a pineapple. He proceeded to tell me that he was irritated that Pineapples act as if they need special treatment because their lives are so hard. I told him, they do in the church. Then he proceeded to tell me that being single is hard for anyone and that hope is the one thing that he doesn't like about dating. He doesn't like the hope that one day he may end up marrying a woman. He also said that it was stupid to say that dating is like a numbers game. He said that in a Macro way, it is a numbers game. In a Micro way, it isn't always true. He talked about the gambler theory where the odds of flipping a coin, you have a 50/50 chance. The problem is, every time you flip the coin, the odds always reset to 50/50. So he could flip the coin and always get tails when he wanted to get heads. I responded and said that I don't even get to flip the coin. It isn't a numbers game for me. I don't even get to play.

By that time, he kept trying to bring the conversation back to, he and I suffer the same as being single. He told me that I wasn't understanding where he was coming from: being single and hating that there is hope that one day he'll meet a girl and settle down. He would much prefer to not hope for anything and just deal with it. By that point, I was done with the conversation and told him that I wasn't going to listen to him tell me that he knows how I feel because he's single too. A straight man was going to tell a pineapple man that he knows what it is like to be a pineapple and lonely. No, he doesn't. So I told him that I wasn't ever going to talk to him about this subject with him again and that I wasn't going to listen to him talk about something he knows nothing about! Then I hung up.

I am so mad! I am still really mad! How dare he tell me that my reasons for struggling aren't valid?! How dare he assume that his suffering is the same as mine?! He has bitched and moaned about how he wishes that he could be with his X and how much he loves her and wished/hoped/dreamed and now she's gone. Then he'll switch and be: she's a monster, the girl I fell in love with doesn't exist. She's not going to come back and be a better person. Then he'll switch back to: don't say mean things about her. She's hurting and I can't help her and I miss her.... blah blah blah. His reasons to be critical about pineapples in the church has no founding on the basis of his behavior. He wouldn't move on. He has never learned to move on even if God told him to. 

This is what my friend said about it:

So I sense that these two things are different, even though the loneliness and celibacy is the same. I'm trying to put words to it. When you're heterosexual and single, your desire for love and marriage is seen as a righteous desire. When you're gay, it's seen as a sinful desire. When you're H and S, you have the promise that no blessing will be denied the faithful, which we interpret to mean we'll connect with an awesome spouse in heaven. When you're gay, you're told that God loves you and to have faith, and you have no idea what to expect on the other side (does God provide you with a heterosexual partner that you're magically attracted to?)

Trevor then sent me an email and said he was sorry and told me what he really meant to say. He doesn't know what it's like to be a pineapple and all the hurt that comes from it. He's not a pineapple.

Then Cory sent me a lame list of his goals for the next 6 months he's here. It's just an outline of these ambiguous goals. I am happy that my feelings for him are dying. I can't sustain much love for him or Trevor. Or rather I choose not to sustain it. I'm not going to throw my pearls before these two pigs!!

I feel sick to my stomach. But at the same time, I look back and see that the men in my life have always, for the most part, been horrible people. I am so grateful that I am a reflection of my mother and not the beasts of betrayal scattered across the world. They don't deserve to be around me. They tarnish my shine.

Thank you Delysia for listening to me.

Sacramento pt.1

Dear Delysia,

I have been having a hard time getting things in perspective. I have been blinded to the sight of others because I don't always believe that their point of view is valid. I am willing to listen and I have always prided myself in being able to see their point of view, but I don't always see their point of view as being valid.

I am in Sacramento. I didn't want to come here. Cory invited me for a vacation type thing. I saw it as an obligation.

Feltner said that he really enjoyed his open relationship with his bf. How they spoke about everything.

Cory spoke about  how pineapples throw away the plan of salvation, by trying to build relationships with Same-sex people. He talked about how Feltner was all about trying to find happiness in this life. He said that we are not here to just be happy. We are here to overcome challenges and to gain eternal life. He said that Feltner is wrong in his response in this life by dating and marrying a man. We aren't just here to be happy. We are here to learn to be like God.

Cory also had received answers on how he can be a help and support to his roommate Will, who he finally wrote a letter and told Will that he knew that he was gay. Cory had a long talk with Feltner last night and realized that Cory is learning just as much from this trip and Feltner is getting an opportunity to receive help.

I called Traci and got his opinions about my frustrations about this whole situation. I don't like that I'm here. But, I am learning that I am a huge blessing to others. I am a blessing and being a support to others is far harder than being a lead. Being a lead is easier. Being the support is hard, because you see things the lead doesn't and you have to persuade them to look at situations in a way that they can.

Traci said that I am here on this trip to be a blessing and to learn how to approach soldiers of God. Cory is a soldier and probably won't change that. He also said that Cory doesn't like to go on trips alone and he wouldn't have invited me to go with him, if he didn't like me. He said that Cory is trying the best way he knows how to connect with me. Traci said that I need to let him.

**************

I just got back from a trip to San Fran in California. I went with Cory Beth because he asked me to join him. He told me that he felt like he needed to visit his friend Feltner in Sacramento and he wanted to know if I would come.

When he told me that he received the impressions to visit his friend, I really got nervous. I asked the Lord if I should go. He told me that it was up to me. In the mean time, I thought it would be a good mini vacation. I enjoyed the last trip that I took with Cory Beth, I thought this one could help his and my friendship. Then all of a sudden, the crap hit the fan with my family. Mom had two strokes, and was moving out of her dream home, I was going to have to miss work for about a week, I needed to dip into my cruise money to go and support Cory. 

Then I asked the Lord if I should go. He told me that I should trust that my family and their situations were in His hands. He also told me that Feltner was no longer in a position where God could freely help him. So I should go with Cory and fulfill my promise to support and help him to be a blessing to Feltner. I knew Feltner was a pineapple and was hesitant to go because he was living the life of a pineapple. Most pineapple do not advocate for being a nun. So I took a huge leap of faith to go with Cory. A part of me didn't want to go. A part of me felt like God was asking me to take care of others that don't really seem to want to take care of me. But I went and helped Cory the best I knew how.

I was happy that I went. I got to know Cory better, his thinking patterns and his behavior patterns. The things that I noticed were:

1. Cory has a need to be constantly entertained or stimulated.

2. Cory gets bored easily with people and situtations.

3. Cory calls and reaches out to people when he's bored. He'll also text/snap chat while stuck with another person.

4. Cory doesn't like to share his thoughts and feelings, especially if he's irritated with you.

5. Cory has a hard time being vulnerable or loving others.

6. Cory is a slow learner when it come to spiritual things.

7. Cory's 'best friend' relationships are all shallow and based around activities, not deeper things.

8. Cory doesn't know how to connect with people very well. His main tactic is being physical and seductive with women. But connecting on a deeper level, he can't/won't. 

9. Cory is very distant when people try to get to know him. He also avoids conflict at all times.

10. Cory is always the nice guy to a fault. Often times he'll endure huge amounts of pain to keep that front up. He doesn't like to be seen as a mean person.

11. When Cory realizes that he's not always the 'nice guy', he avoids it all together.

12. Cory isn't very thoughtful of others.

13. Cory is afraid of intimate feelings with anyone.

14. Cory believes that most everyone is very capable to take care of themselves. Most people don't need help or want it. 

15. He is very methodical and tries very hard to accommodate you when he's trying to be attentive to you. 

16. Being attentive to others drains him quickly.

.... to be continued... 

I'm a Treasure

Dear Delysia,

I know it has been a long time since I wrote. It has been two weeks I believe. So many things have happened and I am really sorry that I haven't been keeping up. 

First of all, I have been battling some sad and happy moments. The happiest moment was when my mama came to visit me this last weekend. She came, I made this really delicious brunch. I invited my closest friends. It was so wonderful. I made vegetable skewers, turkey sausage with sage, a spiced chai tea and omelettes with goat cheese. I asked mom to pray for us and she just filled the room with the Spirit! She prayed that we all would find our happiness and be guided with peace and strength. I started to feel a little choked up. I learned what the Spirit felt like from her influence. Mom can truly tap into the divine. I was happy. My friends told me that mother was a delight. They also noticed that the facial expressions that she makes, are the same ones that I make sometimes. I suppose I am very animated like my mom. She is my treasure. I love her so much!

Then my friends left and Traci's mom came over and they met. I was happy that Traci's mom came over to meet my mom. I really want Traci to meet my mom someday. I want mama to meet my best friend cousin! I told him all about it. I was really happy about it.

The other happiness that I had was noticing more and more that I am worthwhile. I have seen that the talk of Old Aunt Rose is becoming more and more true. When we live to serve others, it brings a lot of happiness... or rather the type of happiness that lingers, that brings a peace and assurance that you're becoming who you have always have been and meant to be: A child of God. I have a lot to be thankful for with my mother. Mother has taught me to look for the needs of others and to accommodate them. She was always serving others and asking us kids to be mindful of the needs and limitations of others. I am so grateful that I have developed a lot of good things about myself that mothers has. I am beginning to see and believe more and more that I am truly a treasure. I feel the Spirit a lot more when I forget myself and look to be a support to others. I am really good at it. Mama taught me how and I am grateful that I am becoming a beautiful reflection of her!

I am also noticing that the love and attention that I have yearned for from being in a relationship, is coming in the form of other people here and there. I am grateful for my friends that are genuinely interested in me and my well being. A co-worker of mine, Gracious, has been so kind to me. He has thought of me and has brought me food a couple of times out of the kindness of his heart. I know that when you treat others the way that you want to be treated, eventually, those people will treat you as such. Some manifest those traits faster than others. But I know they always come around. It is up to them if they sustain it.

I feel more and more content with how my life is right now. The only thing that has truly changed is me. My circumstances are not really changing all that quickly, but I am. I am thankful for that.

I love you Delysia.

Betrayal

Dear Delysia,

I am sorry that I haven't written to you in a while. A lot of a good and bad things have happened. Trevor came back. It was nice to talk to him. My relationships with my family are getting stronger. Conference made me feel that 50% of me is wonderful, the other 50% needs some serious improvement. My youngest brother is getting married.

The bad is that mom had two strokes. My sisters daughter has had 4 surgeries in a year on her ears and their infections, I fought with Trevor and I haven't really recovered from it and things just seem to be falling a part.

I went to the Temple when I heard that mom had a stroke. The great thing was, she had the stroke at the hospital, while she was working. Her left side of her face is drooping. She is only 57. This was her first time stroke. Then the next day she had another stroke. She is doing fine, as much as fine can be. It just hurts my feelings, my heart aches when I hear of my mother in pain and suffering. I love her so much. I don't want her to pass on. Though, a huge part of me thinks that it would be better if she did. Then she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Yet, when I asked the Lord if she would be OK, I got the answer that she'll be OK for this year and probably good for the next 3 years. I just think, well, I have some time. I am just really uneasy about all of this. Mom has diabetes and was barely diagnosed with Colitis. What that is, is where her intestinal track gets really inflamed. So it makes it really hard for her to obtain nutrients. So with Diabetes, she heals really slow, Colitis makes it hard for her to get the nutrients from food and now she has bleeding in her brain, and will eventually turn into a vegetable or her body will just give out. Her brother, who is living with her isn't in the best of health, nor is her husband. All of them are not in good health. I am afraid that one by one, one year at a time, they will pass. Mom may be the last one to pass and then it will just be my siblings and I. I will be an old single cat lady, while my siblings will all have spouses to help them and sustain them. I will be there to help and sustain them when our family is gone. I have no one.

I called my mission president to see if he had any advice. He didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know. He told me to love the lonely, love the broken hearted, serve and stay busy, use my talents and abilities to bless others. I don't really like this answer, but it is the only answer that comes. I am denied all these things and asked to walk and help others alone. I don't really cry about this idea anymore. I don't really look forward to anything much anymore. I am just moving forward because there is no other way to go.

I am trying to really not be negative. I am trying to see good and happiness in all the things that I have. It seems to always come when I have come to a resolve to do things that are right. I am asked to just live off scraps and be happy about it because in some far distant future, everything will be made right and I'll be happy. I don't really believe that. I don't believe that God loves everyone. I believe that He is more loving to others. He's selective as He has always has been.

Yet, I still try to do what I'm supposed to. I want to be just like my mom. If she can do it, I can too.

Delysia, I have cried to much this past year. I have felt so horrible and sad a lot of the time. I feel like that I'm a treasure and yet at the same time, I feel like I'm just a piece of nothing, being asked to suffer just because it's 'good for me'.

I love you. Thank you for loving me.

Oct 3, 2016

Dear Delysia,

Today and yesterday, a lot of things have happened. During the past two days have been General Conference. I didn't listen to all of it because of work and because I didn't want to choke stuff down. I was in a fowl mood. I didn't really want to listen to much of what the prophet, seers and revelators had to say about things. I listen to all of Sunday's sessions. I didn't really listen to Saturdays.

Saturday, I was able to leave work early and visit Seiko chan! She told me of her life and her worries about her future. She first told me that she isn't really feeling like God loves her. She has tried her best, but doesn't really see much hope. She wants to be married. She is 35 years old. So she wants a family. She also shared with me that her parents have lost hope to move forward. She feels like the gospel is too hard for them to keep going. There is so much for them to do and they just don't feel like they can measure up to what is asked of all of us. Then she shared with me the guy that she is dating online in Korea!

She is really happy with him. She met him online, as a pen pal. She knows Japanese as well as Korean. He is Korean and the speak to each other everyday. She was concerned with whether or not she should continue with her relationship with this guy. He isn't a member of the church, but she has seen many women in Japan that are married to men that aren't members of the church. I just told her that if God wanted her to stop talking to him, He would tell her. He hasn't told her, so she is good to go in my mind. I also told her that there are many ways to put yourself in a position to have all that we would want to have. How to receive those blessings, is different for everyone. I just encouraged her to be happy and continue with the good she was doing. Seiko chan is a wonderful person! I hope that she'll find the courage and strength to be the best person that she can be always!

On my way home for visiting Seiko, I just cried. I was mad at my life circumstances. I feel cheated. I feel alone. I hate when people say the phrases that sort sound like: God is your Father and He has a plan for you. I hate these types of phrases. To me, it just means, come to terms with whatever it is you hate. It won't change, so learn to deal with it. I told Traci how I felt about that, and he responded so beautifully. Traci said this:

"Josh, I can see how you wouldn't really like that phrase. It makes a lot of sense Though, do you think it is fair to compare God with mortal men? I get it. It hurts and I'm sorry. I think of our lives as hiking. Sometimes your sick, most of the time you're tired and often times, the view is covered by trees. I am just really happy that I get to walk with you."

This just made me cry. Traci is a wonderful man! He is getting so much better at being a comfort and is getting so much better at being consoling. I love him. I told him that I miss him and am grateful that he cares for me and thinks of me, even when he has no cause to.

I am so grateful for Traci. He'll be home in one more day! I'm so excited to see talk to him! I miss him so!