Dear Delysia,
So, at work, I have this wellness program going on. The challenge is for 8 weeks and we are supposed to see who can loose the most percent of body weight in that time. So I've decided that I will do the Keto diet. The diet is basically turning your body into a place where it eats your fats and not your carbs. It's difficult. There is so much carbs and sugar in almost everything that you eat that it's hard not to eat so much carbs.
I've done good so far. I've been eating a lot of good fats, protein and very little carbs. I have lost 8 lbs. so far and have really enjoyed the results so far. Though, I want to lose more weight. Because I work two jobs, I'm very non-active. Yet, losing weight is really about what you eat. So I'm trying really hard to be the best that I can, so I can lose the weight and be more healthy.
Being on these types of diets, really helps me make better eating choices when it comes to food. I've not really eaten a lot of protein before and really enjoyed juicing. It just made me feel better. Switching over to the Keto has been hard because I love to make this juice that has a lot of sugar in it naturally: Australian Gold.
Australian gold has pineapple, bell peppers and ginger in it. Though, to make it not taste so nasty, I would add golden beats carrots and lemon. But since root vegetables have lots of starches and pineapple is packed with sugar, it's been hard to stay away from that juice. It helps with inflammation. So, I've had to make ginger tea to help with all the typing that I do for work. LOL.
It's really a hard thing to starve yourself off of sugar. I've been grumpy the past couple of weeks because of it. But overall, my body feels better.
Monday, May 29, 2017
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Time Slipping By
Dear Delysia,
I feel like I'm slipping again with trying to keep up with life and what i going on with me. Though, the times when I think that I have have time to catch up with you, I just don't make time. I am sorry Delysia.
Some of the interesting things that have been happening with my life is, when I've been talking to Traci, we've gotten into a lot of different fights here and there. Yet I've felt very comfortable and at peace when I've gotten in those fights. He and I see things and life very different, as you know. But I've been very satisfied when I've been able to say things that I really feel and may have been mean, but that is what I've really felt. What has been really cool, is that when we fight, when been able to overcome the disagreements. We are able to work through the ugly, hurt feelings and come out of the conversation feeling a lot better. We've also decided to always leave our conversations with positive things. So we never end our conversations with sad, negative things, we leave each other with happy news.
The most recent fight that we had was today. Though, I told Traci that I don't like it when he says things that equalize the situation of his life and mine. I also made a point that his suggestions for me are not satisfactory for him, so why must they be satisfactory for me? He can date, marry, have a family. That is what the church talks about all the time; that and the atonement of the Savior. I was able to lead him to the conclusion that his answers for me to find peace and happiness are not the answers for me because he doesn't gravitate to them, so why should I have too? It shut him up more about him trying to tell me that things will work out if I just do X, Y, Z. Even though it was sort of a harsh conversation, it ended really good at the end.
I will miss him a lot. He brings me a sense of peace, stability, happiness and I rely on him. I will miss him a lot when he's dating again and working like a mad person when he gets his business working. He won't have time and the time he does have, it will be for his girlfriend, who will become his wife. I love him.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Traci and Boo Boo Kitty
Dear Delysia,
The past couple of days have been really interesting. Trevor has experienced a lot of amazing things lately in his path to try to be the best person he can be, especially in regards to having a wife. He has prayed and prayed and struggled to make it so that he could marry that cement chain call 80, but to no avail. Even though, he felt like the Lord had told him that things could work out for him and her, they didn’t. So Trevor has been whining, crying and moaning about the whole ordeal, but has had some really cool experiences.
1- Trevor prayed and got some really telling details about his situation with 80. He was doing all that he could to be ready for a relationship and she wasn’t.
The past couple of days have been really interesting. Trevor has experienced a lot of amazing things lately in his path to try to be the best person he can be, especially in regards to having a wife. He has prayed and prayed and struggled to make it so that he could marry that cement chain call 80, but to no avail. Even though, he felt like the Lord had told him that things could work out for him and her, they didn’t. So Trevor has been whining, crying and moaning about the whole ordeal, but has had some really cool experiences.
1- Trevor prayed and got some really telling details about his situation with 80. He was doing all that he could to be ready for a relationship and she wasn’t.
2- God wasn’t lying to him about it working out with 80. He
was trying to convince her and give her all she wanted, but she needed to be
willing to change and she choose not to. There is no forcing of agency.
3- Trevor will still get one more chance to date her, but
the Lord said that the likelihood of him choosing will be slim.
4- He heard the voice of the Savior, as he tried to take and
use the atonement in his prayer.
5- He was told that the relationship that she is in now,
will not work out and she will learn her lessons the hard way.
To me, I am so relieved and so happy that 80 is out of his
life forever! I hate her, I HATE HER! Trevor deserves so much more than that
piece of diseased victim. I am really happy that he is having these type of
experiences. It means that I need to get my butt in gear. I’m falling behind in
my devotion and that shouldn’t happen.
I also went to lunch with Boo Boo Kitty. She is getting married in a month and we had lunch and shopped for some fabric to make a veil. I love her! She is such a great friend! I just love how we just mesh together and enjoy each other’s company. She came into my life during a time that I was really struggling with Cory. And she has become a friend like Traci has become a friend to me, in half the amount of time. I am very happy that she is able to get married and move on in this life. I really hope that Traci will get that opportunity soon as well.
Despite my ugly feelings about God, it is nice to see that I have been blessed with good people that care and love me, even though it is a shadow of what it could be. I’ve been told that I’ll always have something or someone, but it won’t be the same person, it will be different people.
I also went to lunch with Boo Boo Kitty. She is getting married in a month and we had lunch and shopped for some fabric to make a veil. I love her! She is such a great friend! I just love how we just mesh together and enjoy each other’s company. She came into my life during a time that I was really struggling with Cory. And she has become a friend like Traci has become a friend to me, in half the amount of time. I am very happy that she is able to get married and move on in this life. I really hope that Traci will get that opportunity soon as well.
Despite my ugly feelings about God, it is nice to see that I have been blessed with good people that care and love me, even though it is a shadow of what it could be. I’ve been told that I’ll always have something or someone, but it won’t be the same person, it will be different people.
This song reminds me that there are some mistakes that we'll always have to pay for in this life. May it be that I never make those types of mistakes. 80, Cory and Trevor have made those types of mistakes. I do not want to be guilty of that either.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Is It Worth It?
Dear Delysia,
Now that Cherry Beth is gone and Traci hasn't needed my help for about a year, I am left to do as I will. Traci gave me a really great blessing about what I should be doing, what I should be trying to overcome and some comfort and reassurances that the road ahead is hard.
The blessing that Trevor gave me was 15 mins long. I cried and felt at peace, yet at the same time, I've been really having a hard time believing that God is going to take care of me or help me or anything. It is a bitter piece of my being that believes that men don't know how to love or take care of things, unless they are sleeping with it or have spawned it. And even under those conditions, there is no guarantee that they will even stick with it then. I learned that if kids don't know what the love of a father is, they will really struggle imagining what the love from a Heavenly Father feels like.
I don't know what love is from a man and probably never will know. The 'father' figure in my life is a horrible example of what a man is and should be. That time is long gone and lost. Any other form of 'fatherly' affection can only come from other men, but given that I'm a pineapple and that scares a whole bunch of people, it just keeps me from feeling like people care. I don't expect anything from men. I have learned they are not to be relied upon because there is no room in their hearts for anything or anyone but their own desires. Given that and my own personal experiences to foster this conclusion and it being proved time and time again, I don't have faith in a male God nor his male Son.
I told my feelings to my friend Stephen. Stephen is interesting because he's one of the few men that I have ever really tried hard on my own free will to have him in my life. I have freely tried to care and love him. He has shared and expressed his love and affection for me too. Though, there are times when I feel like I give a lot of time and effort and he's just not good at keeping in touch. But I do care for him, but I'm walking away from him more and more, just because time and distance.
Anyway, I told him how I felt, that I'm really not that dedicated to the church all that much anymore. I was when I had orchids in my life, but now, I have no desire to keep up with the small things. I don't really read or pray anymore. I used to go to the temple twice and now I barely go once a month. I'm pretty mediocre with the gospel. I go to church, but I have a hard time being there. Then Stephen mentioned that I thought of God as more of a human than not. He also felt like I thought of God as being more actively engaged in our lives but does very little as far as manipulation, or rather he manipulates more in some then others. I just don't believe that God loves us all the same and cares for us all the same. He has favorites and picks and choices who He will be around. Stephen had to go. He and I won't likely finish this conversation. That is OK, he listened to me.
I shared the same thing with Traci and I felt like he was very sad, disappointed in me. But what I felt was, he was disgusted with me. After I told him how I felt, he just got quite and then left the conversation. Not that I blame him, he is still talking about the what if with 80. I've grown so tired of hearing him whine and complain about 80, I would rather choke on a dick than listen to him whine about her.
Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that there isn't a place for me in the gospel, unless I'm trying to help another in their pursuit for happiness in that plan for salvation for normal people. The plan of Salvation works for normal people, but it doesn't work for all of us. And because I've come to that conclusion, I don't have a desire to really do the small stuff or even the big stuff. What is the point? What progress has happened that has made it worthwhile? Nothing is forever in this life and all my blessings come when I die, if they come at all. That isn't a good enough motivator for me to continue. It really wasn't enough when I was helping the orchids either. I did it because they needed help.
....
.... I know Delysia, I know you might be a little upset with me. I know that at times I get a little intense, a bit bitter and somewhat emotional and hurt with self-pity. I'm sorry, but I don't see another alternative to my pain in this. I feel better when I can complain and murmur. I don't feel like I'm being taken care of. I feel like things are just being taken from me so that I can hurt and suffer.
... My life has just become like this... I don't want to try to have anything or be anything because no one wants it and it just gets destroyed or taken away... so I rather do nothing and just exist than to be anything. There is no place for a gay boy in the gospel, just death.
Now that Cherry Beth is gone and Traci hasn't needed my help for about a year, I am left to do as I will. Traci gave me a really great blessing about what I should be doing, what I should be trying to overcome and some comfort and reassurances that the road ahead is hard.
The blessing that Trevor gave me was 15 mins long. I cried and felt at peace, yet at the same time, I've been really having a hard time believing that God is going to take care of me or help me or anything. It is a bitter piece of my being that believes that men don't know how to love or take care of things, unless they are sleeping with it or have spawned it. And even under those conditions, there is no guarantee that they will even stick with it then. I learned that if kids don't know what the love of a father is, they will really struggle imagining what the love from a Heavenly Father feels like.
I don't know what love is from a man and probably never will know. The 'father' figure in my life is a horrible example of what a man is and should be. That time is long gone and lost. Any other form of 'fatherly' affection can only come from other men, but given that I'm a pineapple and that scares a whole bunch of people, it just keeps me from feeling like people care. I don't expect anything from men. I have learned they are not to be relied upon because there is no room in their hearts for anything or anyone but their own desires. Given that and my own personal experiences to foster this conclusion and it being proved time and time again, I don't have faith in a male God nor his male Son.
I told my feelings to my friend Stephen. Stephen is interesting because he's one of the few men that I have ever really tried hard on my own free will to have him in my life. I have freely tried to care and love him. He has shared and expressed his love and affection for me too. Though, there are times when I feel like I give a lot of time and effort and he's just not good at keeping in touch. But I do care for him, but I'm walking away from him more and more, just because time and distance.
Anyway, I told him how I felt, that I'm really not that dedicated to the church all that much anymore. I was when I had orchids in my life, but now, I have no desire to keep up with the small things. I don't really read or pray anymore. I used to go to the temple twice and now I barely go once a month. I'm pretty mediocre with the gospel. I go to church, but I have a hard time being there. Then Stephen mentioned that I thought of God as more of a human than not. He also felt like I thought of God as being more actively engaged in our lives but does very little as far as manipulation, or rather he manipulates more in some then others. I just don't believe that God loves us all the same and cares for us all the same. He has favorites and picks and choices who He will be around. Stephen had to go. He and I won't likely finish this conversation. That is OK, he listened to me.
I shared the same thing with Traci and I felt like he was very sad, disappointed in me. But what I felt was, he was disgusted with me. After I told him how I felt, he just got quite and then left the conversation. Not that I blame him, he is still talking about the what if with 80. I've grown so tired of hearing him whine and complain about 80, I would rather choke on a dick than listen to him whine about her.
Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that there isn't a place for me in the gospel, unless I'm trying to help another in their pursuit for happiness in that plan for salvation for normal people. The plan of Salvation works for normal people, but it doesn't work for all of us. And because I've come to that conclusion, I don't have a desire to really do the small stuff or even the big stuff. What is the point? What progress has happened that has made it worthwhile? Nothing is forever in this life and all my blessings come when I die, if they come at all. That isn't a good enough motivator for me to continue. It really wasn't enough when I was helping the orchids either. I did it because they needed help.
....
.... I know Delysia, I know you might be a little upset with me. I know that at times I get a little intense, a bit bitter and somewhat emotional and hurt with self-pity. I'm sorry, but I don't see another alternative to my pain in this. I feel better when I can complain and murmur. I don't feel like I'm being taken care of. I feel like things are just being taken from me so that I can hurt and suffer.
... My life has just become like this... I don't want to try to have anything or be anything because no one wants it and it just gets destroyed or taken away... so I rather do nothing and just exist than to be anything. There is no place for a gay boy in the gospel, just death.
The End of Cherry Beth
Delysia,
Today was the last day of my service with Cherry Beth. He leaves on Monday and flies away from my life forever. Tracy was here as well, and he doesn’t believe that I will be done with CB. I don’t believe him really. I’m feeling sick in my stomach. The feeling in my stomach is the way that I felt with Tristan. I remember that this feeling was a lot worse with Tristan than it is with CB. Though, it is still the same feeling. The intensity of the feeling isn’t as bad as with Tristy, but it still feels like a hallowing out type of experience. I don’t really like it.
Though, I did finish the quilt that I was going to make for him. I stayed up all day Saturday to get it done. Man, I have never thought so much on my feet to get a quilt done. This is the first time that I have ever done a quilt, so it feels great. The quilt was so beautiful! The quilt just looked so good! I was really hesitant to give it away to CB. I didn’t think that he would really appreciate it. So, I really had to think long and hard if I should give it to him. I ended up giving him the star quilt. I cried a little bit. I had finished it on Sunday.
So he CB texted me on Sunday and told me that he would be available to hang out that morning. Then he said that he had meeting to go to, so he gave me another time, after 4:30 pm. I got to his house at 5 pm. I was so nervous. Before I went to his house, I did some finishing touches on the quilt and folded it up really nicely. I took pictures before I folded it up and put it in a nice wrapping.
When I got to his home, he was sort of excited and a little bit nervous. I was more nervous than anything about things. I also had with my book of revelations. My book of revelations is a book of all of my blessings from the time I met Trevor on. It is revelation for me, because I record all my blessings.
Today was the last day of my service with Cherry Beth. He leaves on Monday and flies away from my life forever. Tracy was here as well, and he doesn’t believe that I will be done with CB. I don’t believe him really. I’m feeling sick in my stomach. The feeling in my stomach is the way that I felt with Tristan. I remember that this feeling was a lot worse with Tristan than it is with CB. Though, it is still the same feeling. The intensity of the feeling isn’t as bad as with Tristy, but it still feels like a hallowing out type of experience. I don’t really like it.
Though, I did finish the quilt that I was going to make for him. I stayed up all day Saturday to get it done. Man, I have never thought so much on my feet to get a quilt done. This is the first time that I have ever done a quilt, so it feels great. The quilt was so beautiful! The quilt just looked so good! I was really hesitant to give it away to CB. I didn’t think that he would really appreciate it. So, I really had to think long and hard if I should give it to him. I ended up giving him the star quilt. I cried a little bit. I had finished it on Sunday.
So he CB texted me on Sunday and told me that he would be available to hang out that morning. Then he said that he had meeting to go to, so he gave me another time, after 4:30 pm. I got to his house at 5 pm. I was so nervous. Before I went to his house, I did some finishing touches on the quilt and folded it up really nicely. I took pictures before I folded it up and put it in a nice wrapping.
When I got to his home, he was sort of excited and a little bit nervous. I was more nervous than anything about things. I also had with my book of revelations. My book of revelations is a book of all of my blessings from the time I met Trevor on. It is revelation for me, because I record all my blessings.
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