Is It Worth It?

Dear Delysia,

Now that Cherry Beth is gone and Traci hasn't needed my help for about a year, I am left to do as I will. Traci gave me a really great blessing about what I should be doing, what I should be trying to overcome and some comfort and reassurances that the road ahead is hard.

The blessing that Trevor gave me was 15 mins long. I cried and felt at peace, yet at the same time, I've been really having a hard time believing that God is going to take care of me or help me or anything. It is a bitter piece of my being that believes that men don't know how to love or take care of things, unless they are sleeping with it or have spawned it. And even under those conditions, there is no guarantee that they will even stick with it then. I learned that if kids don't know what the love of a father is, they will really struggle imagining what the love from a Heavenly Father feels like.

I don't know what love is from a man and probably never will know. The 'father' figure in my life is a horrible example of what a man is and should be. That time is long gone and lost. Any other form of 'fatherly' affection can only come from other men, but given that I'm a pineapple and that scares a whole bunch of people, it just keeps me from feeling like people care. I don't expect anything from men. I have learned they are not to be relied upon because there is no room in their hearts for anything or anyone but their own desires. Given that and my own personal experiences to foster this conclusion and it being proved time and time again, I don't have faith in a male God nor his male Son.

I told my feelings to my friend Stephen. Stephen is interesting because he's one of the few men that I have ever really tried hard on my own free will to have him in my life. I have freely tried to care and love him. He has shared and expressed his love and affection for me too. Though, there are times when I feel like I give a lot of time and effort and he's just not good at keeping in touch. But I do care for him, but I'm walking away from him more and more, just because time and distance.

Anyway, I told him how I felt, that I'm really not that dedicated to the church all that much anymore. I was when I had orchids in my life, but now, I have no desire to keep up with the small things. I don't really read or pray anymore. I used to go to the temple twice and now I barely go once a month. I'm pretty mediocre with the gospel. I go to church, but I have a hard time being there. Then Stephen mentioned that I thought of God as more of a human than not. He also felt like I thought of God as being more actively engaged in our lives but does very little as far as manipulation, or rather he manipulates more in some then others. I just don't believe that God loves us all the same and cares for us all the same. He has favorites and picks and choices who He will be around. Stephen had to go. He and I won't likely finish this conversation. That is OK, he listened to me.

I shared the same thing with Traci and I felt like he was very sad, disappointed in me. But what I felt was, he was disgusted with me. After I told him how I felt, he just got quite and then left the conversation. Not that I blame him, he is still talking about the what if with 80. I've grown so tired of hearing him whine and complain about 80, I would rather choke on a dick than listen to him whine about her.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that there isn't a place for me in the gospel, unless I'm trying to help another in their pursuit for happiness in that plan for salvation for normal people. The plan of Salvation works for normal people, but it doesn't work for all of us. And because I've come to that conclusion, I don't have a desire to really do the small stuff or even the big stuff. What is the point? What progress has happened that has made it worthwhile? Nothing is forever in this life and all my blessings come when I die, if they come at all. That isn't a good enough motivator for me to continue. It really wasn't enough when I was helping the orchids either. I did it because they needed help.

....

.... I know Delysia, I know you might be a little upset with me. I know that at times I get a little intense, a bit bitter and somewhat emotional and hurt with self-pity. I'm sorry, but I don't see another alternative to my pain in this. I feel better when I can complain and murmur. I don't feel like I'm being taken care of. I feel like things are just being taken from me so that I can hurt and suffer.

... My life has just become like this... I don't want to try to have anything or be anything because no one wants it and it just gets destroyed or taken away... so I rather do nothing and just exist than to be anything. There is no place for a gay boy in the gospel, just death.