Intimacy

I like to think that I'm a nice person. Who doesn't think that way, right? I've never been too keen on being in a relationship beyond friendship with anyone. I've convinced myself that being alone would be very viable. It has only been in the recent months that I've had the deep yearning to get into a relationship, but I'm not sure how and I'm afraid.

For so long, I've held to myself. I've held to my talents and abilities.. I've been happy... or just surviving. The interesting thing is, when I see people that I'm attracted to, I run from them. Running usually keeps them at bay. You know, I don't really think I could ever be in a relationship with anyone unless they really chased me down. I would avoid them at all costs, but if they pinned me down, I'd eventually give in.

When I try to reach out, give them a chance, I am used and then discarded. All that I really want is to be loved, cherished, sought after and thought of with endearment. I thought I had a shape of that once, but it died.

I am afraid. I am full of yearning. I am resolute to believe that there isn't anyone who could fill the void that is inside. I wouldn't trust them, let them in, let them love me. At the same time, I would yearn for it, crave it, beg for it. 

I want to believe that someone could love me... love me for who I am... for the goodness... for all that I am. I want to believe that I am a rare gem of legendary value.

.... it's hard to hold to think that when all that have come, have only abused the radiance that I believe I have.


I want to be held. I want to look into your eyes and believe that you mean what you say. I want to feel safe in your presence and embrace. I want you to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. I want you to protect and support me as I do the same.


...as time goes on, I believe you to be a dream....

.. what pains me the most, is to see others drift in and out of them like carrion vultures looking for another meal...

... a dream... just a dream...

I shall watch and see...

                  ... I shall guide and support, but there is none for me...

Pearl

I went on a date this Friday.

I hated each moment of it. I loved every moment of it.

They were kind and gentle
                                                                         They were cocky and belligerent

They were confident and accomplished
                                                                         They were over compensating and misleading






At the end, I was confused.

They left with a smile, I had not seen in a long time.
A time I had seen that smile they gave me, was during a time of sorrow.



I won't see them again, but I feel they stole a piece of me that I will never get back. I threw a pearl at a swine.


...sigh...

                                           How long will it take to replace the pearl that I lost?

Solitude

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what you think...
    it's the look in your eyes that tells me a different tale,
      than the silky words that breeze past your lips

I'm afraid...
    do you really find me attractive?
      the caress of your touch sends shocks to my resolve

I'm afraid...
   is your smile really for me? Or is it for what I've given to you?
     the clutch of your grasp pulls me in closer, your strength burns firm

I'm afraid...
   will you keep me close?
      I feel you slipping away, as night gives in to the warmth of morning


... Gasping for air....
      ... though the brightly beams of morning gaze brushes my face...

I'm afraid,


                                                               I'll never feel this way again