Intimacy

I like to think that I'm a nice person. Who doesn't think that way, right? I've never been too keen on being in a relationship beyond friendship with anyone. I've convinced myself that being alone would be very viable. It has only been in the recent months that I've had the deep yearning to get into a relationship, but I'm not sure how and I'm afraid.

For so long, I've held to myself. I've held to my talents and abilities.. I've been happy... or just surviving. The interesting thing is, when I see people that I'm attracted to, I run from them. Running usually keeps them at bay. You know, I don't really think I could ever be in a relationship with anyone unless they really chased me down. I would avoid them at all costs, but if they pinned me down, I'd eventually give in.

When I try to reach out, give them a chance, I am used and then discarded. All that I really want is to be loved, cherished, sought after and thought of with endearment. I thought I had a shape of that once, but it died.

I am afraid. I am full of yearning. I am resolute to believe that there isn't anyone who could fill the void that is inside. I wouldn't trust them, let them in, let them love me. At the same time, I would yearn for it, crave it, beg for it. 

I want to believe that someone could love me... love me for who I am... for the goodness... for all that I am. I want to believe that I am a rare gem of legendary value.

.... it's hard to hold to think that when all that have come, have only abused the radiance that I believe I have.


I want to be held. I want to look into your eyes and believe that you mean what you say. I want to feel safe in your presence and embrace. I want you to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. I want you to protect and support me as I do the same.


...as time goes on, I believe you to be a dream....

.. what pains me the most, is to see others drift in and out of them like carrion vultures looking for another meal...

... a dream... just a dream...

I shall watch and see...

                  ... I shall guide and support, but there is none for me...