The Passing of Delysia La Fosse

Today was the saddest day that I have had in a long time. Almost as painful and loss as when I found out my step-dad was in prison. My dearest friend, Delysia died today. Delysia was a woman that was tall, strong, independent, gorgeous, smart. She was everything that I wish I could be. She was everything I wish I could be, for Delysia was the name of my Drag persona. I gave her up today when I packed up her things and put her aside in the trash. I cried. Believe me I cried and cried. It is as if she was a real person from who I was. I loved her because she made me feel free. When I painted on her face, I saw someone who was beautiful, who was worthwhile. When I put on her clothes, I felt comfortable, attractive and strong. When I put on the hair and scented perfume, it completed the look. I was perfect. I was beautiful. I was someone that people would love to meet, want to know, would find attractive, who find her to be worthwhile. I loved being her because all my actions, behaviors and mannerisms matched what I looked like, a woman. I felt free. Oh man, did I feel so free and myself in that illusion! I felt more comfortable in her life in the shadows of night, than I ever did in my real male self. Naturally, how I felt as Delysia, I do not feel as myself. If I was Delysia all the time, I would be married, I would have a family, I would have kids who loved me and I loved them. I would have an equal who cherished me as much as I cherished them. If I was Delysia I would never have known the sorrow and ache as I have felt as Josh. I would be a beautiful woman who was kind, loving, talented, smart, hard working, an envy to the very blossoms of the twilight and dawn. I would be an object of envy and praise. Though, I would always be humble, kind and considerate of others. I would be helpful and supportive of others and their needs. Those things I am now... helping others, but most people find my helping as something else... usually flirting or weird because men don't do those type of supportive roles. 

... I was so happy as Delysia. Now, she is dead. I piece of me is gone and will never return. My heart is hallowed out. I feel this ache of loss for something that I loved so dearly... My eyes are all cried out. I feel so empty and I often wish that I could feel nothing. Sometimes that happens, where I feel nothing. Other times, I seek distractions because I feel is pain. The peace and joy is gone. When peace and joy does come, it's like a gentle breeze of night and then gone. The ache or the nothingness comes. 

I wanted to write a letter to her to say goodbye:

Dear Delysia,

I am so sorry. I wish I could explain to you how much I miss you! I wish that we could have been together forever. Yet, here I am amiss to where I will find a place to call my own. Without you, I don't know what I can do, what to live for. When I felt alone or afraid, you were there to give me strength. You made everything better when you were around. You were so strong, so wonderful, such a comfort to me in more ways than I can express. 

Now, the only thing that keeps me alive is my bodies tear for food, the slams for water, the ache for sleep. You kept me safe. When I was unhappy, you brought me such happiness. You cradled my delicate heart and feelings and convinced me that the night wasn't dark at all. 

I am sorry that I had to let you go. I am sorry that I made a promise to never see you again. I am so sorry that we'll never meet again. Please know that I loved you. I will always love you. It is now that we go our separate ways. May it be that my decision to leave you behind will be for the best, because for now I am not so sure, but I keep my word, I keep my promises to the best of my ability. 

A piece of me will always be just for you. I will always remember the good that you gave me. 

Always,

Joshua

I will miss you....

Temple May 27, 2016

Today was an overall weird day. As much as I didn't like the things that happened, there is nothing that I can do. I know this is yet another repeat theme, I suppose it is repeat because I don't want it and yet there is nothing that I can do to change anything....

The only choice is to accept it and move on. There is no need to continue to cry over spilled milk and refusing to clean it up. Just clean it up or walk away...

I slept really well last night. I slept in till 9 am. No texts, no phone calls or emails. It is weird when you have contact and then all of a sudden it stops. My friend Traci, was always there for me to be in contact with or I in contact with him. Now that he is not around, it is weird. It's a void that just there. I look at the void and see nothing but emptiness. Though I know that he'll return from his vacation, it just won't be the same. I know that our friendship will change. The consistency of contact will become less and less. A part of me is OK with it. I've known that it would always be like this. It is just weird to see the vast expanse of emptiness. Naturally there is an opposition in all things.

I feel a strange calm to my emptiness.

A friend of mine, Reid, left today. We went and had brunch and talked about his hopes and dreams. He is excited for the move with his dream job. He is sad to see his girlfriend/not girlfriend stay here in Utah, while he moves to Detroit. He said that he'll be back in a month. He was happy to say that to me. He noticed that I was in a contemplative mood. He thought it was nice to see the calm that can be over me. I was just overwhelmed with all the change that is here at my footsteps.

Another friend of mine is moving to New York for an internship. Cory has moved to Minnesota for an internship. With the people that have moved on in their lives, I used to get all bent out of shape. In some way, I felt abandoned, though I didn't have too many deep connections with most of the friends that I rub shoulders with. I don't like the feeling of being abandoned. Yet, truthfully, they haven't abandoned me, I just wish that there was more connection, love, caring between the people that I meet. My path is very different than the others. Because of my beliefs, I am asked to be a nun for my life. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, truly asks the members that are gay to be nuns. Yet, the Church does not glorify Nun/Monk lifestyles.

The thing that I did today that brought me a sense of calm and peace for the crap show that I am stuck in was listening to a talk by the leadership of the Church, Elder Rendlund. He spoke about how we as people may feel we are treated unfairly by God and notice how a blessing to one can be an offense to us. The root of those feelings is because we are distant from God. For those that know me, I've never been too keen on building a relationship with God. I find Him to be a cruel person on purpose. Yet all the words that were spoken by Elder Rendlund rang true. I was being a bitter betty because I wasn't close to God. I decided to go to the only place that I know that is a piece of Heaven. I went to the Temple.

Going to the temple, I had to train my mind to be humble. I am a very prideful person. I don't need anyone's help, I don't need protection, I don't need anyone. Sadly, that is not true. I need the Savior and God. Though, a big huge part of me resists that truth a lot. The thought that came to my mind was, it would seem that the reason I am trapped, is so there is only one way out and that is in the arms of God. I'm so prideful that I'd rather die in the mud, drowning in sorrow than go to Him for healing. In my eyes, either way is painful and there is no end to feeling stuck. To me, God is just as a painful path as staying bitter.

In the temple, I felt peace. I went and did a session of endowments. That session is 2 1/2 hours worth of time. I cried. I felt the peace of the Temple. My heart was filled with this sensation of being washed with sparkling water that was warm and gentle. Then, I started to feel the slight burning sensation in my heart that was pointed and concise. Then I started to feel my whole being be filled with warmth and energy. I hear the Voice of God clearly in His house. He has been telling me for awhile what He would have me do.

I'm afraid that He won't take care of me. I'm afraid that He'll leave me just hurting in the open space for others to hurt me. I have a hard time giving up those pieces of me that bring me such peace, such self-satisfaction. I feel free doing Drag. I feel like me in those clothes... where my skin is soft, my hair is long, my body firm and curvy... my actions and voice match what I look like: a classy, beautiful and strong woman. People look at me with desire and gentleness. People treat me kindly and want me to be around.

I am not a woman. I am a tall, built man. I love the fantasy, the illusion that Drag gives me. I feel worthwhile in Drag. I feel like I can be myself in it. I feel like there is no hiding in Drag. I have been asked to give all that up, to be a good Nun. I made promises that I would do anything that is asked of me.

I don't know what will happen when I do completely. I don't have a lot of hope or faith that I will be treated with kindness or help. However, I have been asked to do it, so I am mustering all my strength to find the faith to do it.



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I cry all the time. I used to never cry over anything much back then, given my history. Yet, as I have tried to be the best person that I could be, I've never been filled with such sorrow, anger, anxiety, hopelessness in my life. I remember feeling like this when I got home from serving a mission and hearing that my Step-Dad was in prison for molesting my sister. Then and there my heart hardened towards all men, divine or otherwise. When it counted the most, we were destroyed by a man. My family had been destroyed by my father once before. I want justice! I want compensation and felt like it has never come. That is why I am afraid. I have finally found a passion, a joy, a thing that is mine and that brings me so much happiness. Now that I have found it, I have to give it up.

I feel like that with anything that I have given my heart and might too.... Tristan and Drag. I don't see my relationship with Trevor or Cory being much any different. I put my all into those people and then I am left with heart ache, sorrow and being alone and barren. 

I think that my attitude is changing. I don't get sick to my stomach when I see couples getting all physical or when I see romantic scenes of lovers loving each other. Staying busy is key for now. Reid said that his sister had to come to accept her fate. She uses the nieces and nephews as surrogates for her own experience for kids. The success of my loved ones can be my success. I suppose when I write this message over and over and over and over, that one day I'll believe it. I'll believe being a Nun is worthwhile.

The only constant in life is Change.


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I cry all the time, even when I feel calm. I want something good and substantial to happen and I feel like that is the true fantasy.....

I feel empty, yet peaceful.

May 26

Traci,

My talk with Cory was really strange last night. He was very much a different person on the phone. He seemed like he was looking forward to talking to me. Cory isn’t a chatter. He was talking to me like he knew me for years, the way that he speaks to you. It was a surprise. It was also a huge surprise that he told me about a topic that happened in his day and then he said, “Let me tell you about.” He then went on about that subject! It was really nice to listen to him be really excited to talk about his day and give details of his day! Then he decided to go on a run while I was chatting with him. He kept up with the conversation! He was actually really wanting to talk to me. Then he apologized for not responding to my emails. He said that he really liked reading my thoughts and was appreciative of my efforts. I told him it was ok, because he doesn’t have a lot of time to chat, so the email writing is more for me than for him. Though, it was nice to notice that he was making time for me and that he wanted to. My time was up after 30 mins, so I had to get off. He then said, “Alright man, I love you. Have a awesome night.” I am completely shocked?! I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that he would ever be like this. I mean, he sent me a painting out of the blue. He thought about me, decided that he might want to help out, so he bought something and then sent to my house on a whim?! Honestly, it is like a dream or a fairy tale, w ith these moments with him. Though the difference is, he’s just a friend being friendly and nice. I’m in shock and somewhat uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do with these new feelings. I am appreciative of his efforts and feelings. I am just not sure what to do with them. I see it as a blessing. Cory cares for me. Even the way that he speaks to me, is different. He sometimes speaks to me as if I belong to him. It is strange feeling. 

My own thoughts, May 26

As I have looked over my own thoughts and recent letters, I have been really struggling. I have had a lot on my mind for my life.

Yesterday night, I left work in a horrible mood. I pretended to be screaming and yelling at some of my friends. I suited me and my needs at the time. I yelled so much, that I was about to loose my voice. I cried again. Trevor thinks that I need to be assessed for depression. I'm pretty sure that I am  experiencing these types of symptoms. I've been down for the past couple of months, with very little lasting peace or happiness.

I feel wronged. I feel cheated. I feel purposely left out. There is nothing that I can do about it but be happy and move forward. Or the other option is to do nothing at all.

Cory called me this morning at 6 am and wanted to chat. He explained to me that he didn't have a lot of time to talk or keep up, so he wanted to chat. I was awake already because of a charlie horse that I had in my leg. That kept me up for the rest of the morning. Cory was concerned that he had woke me up, but that was irrelevant. I was up. I asked him what he wanted and he said he just wanted to catch up. I find his behavior so strange. Though, he isn't like Trevor. Trevor keeps in contact with me quite often. In fact, if I don't hear from him, I get antsy. I really enjoy talking to Trevor. He is my Best Friend Cousin (BFC)! Cory on the other hand is not that type of guy. He is more about if you are presently there in his life, he will interact with you. If you are not there, he's less inclined to involve you in his life. Trevor is the same way, truthfully. Trevor would much prefer to be with you in person than chatting over the phone, but he's adapted. Cory is changing where he will reach out and talk to me on occasion. But that is what I am supposed to do with Cory. I am not to reach out to him. He is supposed to reach out to me. With that rule in mind, and me thinking that Cory won't ever really change, I am proven wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Though, I appreciate his efforts.

On my way home, I listened to Elder Redlund's talk about being close to God. He said that the farther a part the giver to the receive is, the more likely the receiver will develop an attitude of entitlement. he then makes is applicable for everyday use with the Savior. The further we are from God, the more likely we'll demand blessings, find fault in our situations and be unwilling to be humble. I am that. I am behaving and have been behaving like this in a long time. It is all because I do not have a great relationship with God. I can hear His voice and feel His presence, but that doesn't mean I'm close nor does it mean that I'm trying to actively develop a relationship with Him. I treat Him with disdain and distance. He is trying to help me, whether I want it or not. He is trying to help me draw close to Him, though I am resisting every single step of the way. I'm not living by faith. I am not doing the things that I know to be right because of my attitude about it.

I believe part of what I've been advised to do is to be humble. Part of that idea is that I should be willing to admit that maybe the reason why all these bad things happen, is so that there is no other place for me to go, but to God. I have not been willing to go to Him because I blame Him for the horrible things. Yet it would seem that it is the only way for me to get it together, realize can accept it. I know what I have to do and what I have to give up. I need to demonstrate faith and hope by getting rid of things in my life that must go, if I am to have a better life.

I will go to the Temple tomorrow to pray and get strength. As I have written this, I have felt peace. More humble pie, more diligence and some questions that I want to have answer too.

May 24

Dear Cory,

Yesterday was pretty meh. I was in a good place considering it was a normal day. As the day progressed, I started to slip. I started to just cry over what needs to be done in my life.

I went to FHE. It was a ward BBQ. A lot of people showed up, that I didn’t know who they were. People are fickle about church, which is funny to me. I don’t understand that people have to have friends at church to be able to want to stay in church? There are only a few people in the ward that I admire because they come to church with no intentions, other than to worship. Granted, being social is a great help, I admire the strength and determination of those who go without external help. Often they are the hardest to fellowship. They usually don’t like it. There is a girl in particular that I really like. She is a man-hater though. She doesn’t like me. I’ve tried my hardest to just be friendly and she won’t have it. It makes me sad because I think that I was probably like her at one point or another in my life. It sucks when you try to be friendly to people you’d like to be friends with and they won’t have it. She doesn’t have any issues with rubbing shoulders with chicks though. I suppose it’s not meant to be.

So many people in my life right now are leaving. I have not been able to keep up with it honestly. I hate the summer for that reason, it is so transitional for a lot people and things. When I came home from work, I saw my friend Reid have a moving truck and movers taking all his stuff out. I went over to say hi and we chatted for a good portion of the day. We went to the BBQ together. I was surprised that he hoped that I would find happiness in this life. He said that he had noticed that I have not been myself for the past couple of months. He said that I seemed diminished. I told him that I have been tired. He told me that I should probably take care of myself. He was concerned that I may have put much focus on you and Traci and not enough focus on myself. When he was talking about it, he mentioned that each time Reid and I get together, I always mention you and Traci. He said that because he cares for me, he wishes at times that I wasn’t so involved with you two. He was worried that I was self-destructing with you two. But he also said that he was OK with it because he knew that it was what God would have me do, he just didn’t understand or like it that much. Having Reid express his real feelings about me and his thoughts came as a shock. I’m never really sure if people care or not. Their words and actions don’t always match. I suppose it has to do with my love language meter. Since all my love languages are all about the same score, the book says that I am really good at showing love, but it is a challenge for someone like me to feel loved.

Watching people move in life is hard. I feel damned sometimes. Like Rapunzel stuck in a tower waiting for the great apocalypse to take over the world so that I can be called home. Haha… it’s funny. I almost imagine that 7 dudes will just show up to my magic tower, looking for answers and they’ll find a answer.

Sometimes, I think that if I was a girl, my life would be very different. I imagine that I would be as beautiful as my mother. I would be independent, strong, beautiful. I don’t know if I would be married the same time she was, maybe. I would imagine that I would be successful in the fashion industry. I would probably be married, with 3 kids. I would be lovely. I would be the perfect child, reliving the dreams and hopes that my mom had for herself and for me. I would have a family that was full of love, kindness and the Spirit of God. Though, I also imagine that I would have the rocky moments that most people have in married life, struggles, heart ache, though I imagine that because of who I was, I would make it work. My children would be loved and cared for. I would make them clothes, I would love them! The beauty of my kids would be that they were kind, that they could feel the Spirit and they were considerate and just gracious. My oldest daughter, I would name her after mom. Mom would love them too. I would be the best parent that I could be. If I was lucky, I would have married an equal who was just as great as I was. I would be a treasure and a wonderful reflection of the wonder of my mom.

I don’t find such grandeur in being a nun, locked in a tower. LOL. This song brings me comfort and yearnings. I forget that trying to not feel doesn’t work. We as humans cannot selectively numb the bad emotions vs. the good ones. If you numb one, you numb them both. Love/Apathy are two sides of the same coin. If you put one away, the other is put away as well.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WRizF7X2DQ

It makes sense why I like to drown in music, to feel connected. The song, the lyrics, the melody, the harmony brings out the beauty of not just feelings, but it opens up what had happened to the individual of what they are singing about. It isn’t my pain, it is theirs. That means that when the song ends, the pain does too.

I did go to the gym last night with my new ward friend. She is really good at dancing. She is really kind to me. It’s like we’re just best friends. She tells me a lot about her boyfriend and her life. I like her. She has replaced a void in my life that has been empty for awhile. I suppose that is what is supposed to happen, fill spots that are vacant. I am happy that she is filling that spot. It is actually really nice to go to booty zumba with someone. My schedule is changing again. I told you my day off is going to be Friday next week until… sometime.

I found a flower wholesale warehouse! I want to buy a whole bunch of flowers and fill my room. I want it to be a jungle and pretend that it is my own garden of Eden. There will be my fountain blowing the delicious scent of my own making, with my plants, a faint breeze from my fan, my velvet blankets, freshly cleaned, some tea, my Sniffles pillow, a fish and the quiet tune of melodies of hope…. I could just stay in my room forever and never leave! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA… I want to be able to be talk to the animals and plants… so we can always have fun. Their souls live up the fullness of their creation! Giggles…. OOooo I have a garden growing in pots!

May 25

Cory,

Today, I went to lunch with Reid. Reid is the one guy that I told you that I have become pretty chummy chummy with. He was the kid that first that came to church and I was not all that impressed with. He came with a leather jacket on, some rough looking clothes and just looked ratty. He also said some things in Sunday School and in the other classes that I didn’t like. He seemed very rebellious and had a chip on his shoulder on the things regarding the church. Then I had met him a couple more times at social events and at ward events. I wasn’t really all that impressed nor was I really interested in getting to know him. It was apparent that he was a little bit taken back with me. He told me later that he was a little intimidated with me and my behavior. He said that I was a little too mysterious. Now, he doesn’t think that and I think of him as a good guy. He started inviting me to  go with him to chat and get soda from the gas station. I just went along to just enjoy his company.

I don’t remember how we really got to know each other. I think I’ve told you that I enjoyed him until he changed trying to date my cousin Boo Boo Kitty. I was bothered a lot because he transformed into a far better person because he was trying to date Boo Boo Kitty. I was thinking why he could always be this kind and loving to everyone. Why is he only like this, when he’s trying to snatch a woman? Why is he like this to satisfy his own needs?

It was then I decided that I didn’t really like him. Which, was very fair for me to do. I did it anyway. I mean, he told Boo Boo Kitty that I was really critical of the girls that he introduced me with. But he felt like I was being very critical of him when he started dating Boo Boo Kitty. He was right, I was being critical of him because of her.

Anyway, when he got his dream job, I celebrated with him. We went out to eat and I paid for all of it. We ate carbs and enjoyed all of it. I gave him advice, invited him over to meet my friends, have tea, eat food, we chilled a couple of times. Though most of the time, we just chatted about his hopes and dreams and I talked about my puppies! Giggles.

It was sort of funny, Reid doesn't actually like you. He's intimidated by you. I think I have told you that.

 Anyway, he has been really wanting to hang out before he leaves on Friday morning. Today we chatted about him resolving hurt feelings with this girl in our ward that he was really into and they were close friends and they drifted apart. Then after him sharing with me about his hopes and dreams with dating and his life, I asked if I could do anything for him. He said, ‘Yes, I want you to never leave me. I want you to always be in my life.” I was really shocked by this request. I told him, yeah, I can stay in your life. He then said that he knew that he wasn’t one of the 7, so he didn’t expect me to be as present or put in a lot of effort, but he wanted me to always be in his life. He didn’t want to lose me. I was set back by this request. I didn’t think I was a worthy friend for him. I had resisted him and was very loyal to him. I helped him and supported him, but I wasn’t really all that invested. I feel really bad that he has cared for me more than I have ever known. I don’t know when men care for me. I don’t know how men show love really?! I feel like I need to repent for my lack of loyalty to him. He has always been loyal to me, more than I have noticed. I haven’t noticed it and I feel awful for it.

Then he told me about his spiritual gift. He found it on his mission. What he can do, I cannot say… but I can say that he has felt the Spirit of Satan. He told me about his experiences with that and how on his mission, a general authority had been there to tell him how to cope and what needed to be done to keep himself save. Reid asked the General Authority why he was experiencing these things. The response was, Reid will be responsible for destroying a lot of the works of the evil one in this life. If the evil one can ruin Reid, then he has won a battle in the future that he will not win. Then Reid said to me, that he felt like I was supposed to meet me so that he could help me. I asked what he saw for me? I asked what I should know. He said that I should believe that when the time comes, that he will be there to protect me from the evil one. I told him that I was afraid that I wasn’t ready. I felt like I was hidden from the world. I felt like I was hidden from evil influences, but I felt like the time was coming soon that I would not be hidden from the world for very much longer. Reid told me that he and I were meant to meet, so that he could help me with the onslaught that will come to me in the future. I started crying. I told him that I’m not ready. Reid reassured me that he was supposed to me meet me and I was supposed to meet him. He felt like he is meant to keep me close, so that he can protect me from the danger that is coming to me. He then promised that he would protect me and keep me safe. I then told him that I knew what the spirit of the evil one felt like. I had felt it twice.

Cory, I am afraid. All that he shared with me, I felt the Spirit. There is a collector, but I’m not sure what form that collector will take place in. I need to be far more pure and radiant than I have been in a long time. I have to go to the Temple every week. I need to be better and hone my gifts. I have to obey with all my heart and soul. I need to study and stay close to the Lord with all my heart. The dangers that are coming for me, ‘if it were possible, even the very elect would fall.’ I am afraid that I am not ready for the onslaught that is coming.

I need to pray and visit with God on this in the Temple.

May 18

Cory,

Welcome back to good ol' Murika! I hope that you had fun doing all that sitting around in a plane! giggles... I know that is one of your favorite past times! giggles...

Yesterday and today are a blur. So many things are changing, so many good and wonderful adventures are happening in the lives that have touched mine. I have had a fair amount of people reach out to me. They have wanted to see me before they leave to the next adventure in their life. I am sort of baffled by this. Some of these people, I have not had very close connections to. It is nice and completely unexpected. I've gone on a couple of luncheons with them, discussed their hopes, their dreams, their goals for the future. It's strange to have consistent talks about this. Though, I imagine it will change to as time goes on. I'm surrounded by single people moving on to become married. I wonder what the conversations will turn into when all these single people turn into married people? Though, that is a silly question: kids, careers, spouses. It's a good thing I enjoy the art of conversation, otherwise I would be a bump on a log. HAHAHAHA

I'm excited to get the chance to get my summer tan on! I'm super excited for this Friday! I have some great dance moves going to be wonderful! I am going to WIN AGAIN!!!

Travel safe again wherever and whenever you're leaving! I'm sure you'll save souls along the way!

May 17

Cory, 

I had so much fun last night going to the gym. I went to booty zumba for the first in a long time, and it was SO MUCH FUN! I looked real good in the mirror! HAHAHAHAHAA

What was even more fun, was a girl in my ward showed up in the class, and she said, she had so much fun dancing next to me that she wanted to be my gym partner! So I said, YES! So we are going to be gym buddies Monday night and dance, dance revolution at the gym! HAHAHAHA... You actually met her before. Her name is Sara Taylor. She told me about her boyfriend. She's only been dating him for 2 months. She just told me about her insecurities about him, that she is not sure if dating is the best idea for her with him, yet at the same breath, she was so happy to be with him. She showed me pics of him. He's a good man. She'll likely marry him if she can overcome his lack of emotional unavailability. He likes her a lot, but isn't very much for sharing thoughts or feelings. It's his lack of responses that gives her a little bit of anxiety. It's funny that men and women are so very different and yet, they are so very complimentary to one another.... :). She also described how some of his behavior makes her think that he's a little off. She described some behavior to me and I was thinking... he may have Autism or be a psychopath! HAAHHAHAa... but for real though! Sara is a social worker too, so she may do some assessments on him! LOL

I really liked talking to her about her dreams, wishes and hopes for the future. For a moment, it is nice to look at people and see glimpses of what could be at that moment! It is beautiful! People, are such wonderful beings. There is so much wonder in eternal beings that are trying to be the best they can be. I have been so fortunate to rub shoulders with such grand sisters in my ward. Where I live, there is such strength, such glorious spirit among the sisters. I have also seen such changes in the men. I suppose, my time is done now. I don't know what more an old cat lady can offer the young generation whose minds are set on eternal marriage. I think I need to speak with the Lord to see if it is time to die in the pasture.

I spoke with Thad last night and he seems happy. He actually seems so happy. John is still grieving the loss of his father, so it is interesting to see how they interact with each other. John came by while I was chatting with Thad about the surprise b-day party Thad is throwing for John. It's funny, Thad doesn't really have anything planned. The party is next week!? I offered to assist and he wants me to make a cake?! I don't know if I like Thad that much to make a cake for his bf?!... but I will if he needs that much help. Thad just laughed and said he wasn't sure what to do but go to dinner and then come back home and play games. I gave him suggestions of what I thought would be fun... so we'll see. Thad wants me to go to pasture too. LOL

I've noticed that if I don't write you, all that I have to say, I put on my blog... I've done that a couple of times, where I wrote on my blog and have nothing to say to you! HAHAHAHA....

Now that you're coming back to civilization, I suppose I will continue to write you emails. It's fun! AND you'll be coming back home with a WIFE?! OMG!!! I'm so excited to see who this lucky lady is?! Was the marriage awesome?! Did you take lots of pics?!

May 16

Cory, 

I am writing this that you may understand. I hope that you can forgive me for the thoughts that I will share with you.

Today, I went to the Bishop to ask for counsel and advice. As you know, I was released, so I am no longer bound to the care of the EQ. Though, I feel like I had failed my calling because I did not learn to love the EQ men. I was happy to serve them, but I did not love them. That was the purpose of my calling... to love them.

You also know that I have been going to the Affirmation meetings each Sunday for their FHE meetings. It is a place where I have felt peace and the Spirit. Though, last week, the discussion troubled me greatly. The man that had taught the lesson, shared with us that he was given personal revelation that pineapple marriage is an eternal law for time only. That the church would eventually recognize it and it may or may not be done in the Temple. He also felt that the revelation told him that this was the fullness of times dispensation. We have yet more to learn concerning the gospel and doctrines.

I have been troubled all week about this. Affirmation is not sanctioned by the Church, nor do they seem to teach complete doctrine. Though, the arguments that they make are sound, when riddled with scriptures and reasoning behind the scriptures to support their answers. Another one of their reasoning's were: God will allow for people to make certain mistakes given the go before Him and work out a plan. Salvation is between you and Him. He has given some pineapples permission to date/marry one another, on the premise that they live the gospel the best way they know how. Their relationship is the same as if they were with the opposite gender: faithful, cherish, remain loyal to the other, but with another pineapple. They also condone that what HF gives you permission through your own revelation, He will accept.

This ideology has troubled me greatly. Though, I love being around these older members because they have the experience and know how to function in life, their ideology about the gospel is far different than mine. For example, one of the gents told me that he cleanly obeys the Word of Wisdom. I asked what that meant. He explained that he drinks caffeinated beverages and decaf coffee. So for the most party, he feels in the 'OK' by bending the rules. He also believes that relationships between pineapples is part of the Celestial tiers of heaven. He explained that the Bible is the Word of God as far as it is translated directly. Christ never mentioned anything about pineapples in his ministry. Our theology teaches us how to get to the highest tier, but we are not told what the other 2 are. He believes that is where pineapple unions are placed, as long as you live with complete fidelity.

I shared these concerns with the Bishop and he has advised me that perhaps the longer that I stay with this group of people, their fellowship, support and knowledge, that eventually I will slip into radical behaviors and ideas as your friend Christian has fallen into. This cannot happen to me. Though, I'm not sure I am completely convinced that I will fall. I am more unwilling to let go of a support group that knows how I feel and that I can rely on. They understand me. They know how I feel because they have faced it! Though, I find this great support among men and women who seem to have lived a life that works for them and they are happy... but have not come to the same conclusion as I have. Even Jim seems to be tainted in my eyes about what I can and cannot do.

The Bishop also told me that I am still on the fence about the church. He explained that I still have one shoe in Babylon and one shoe in Zion. I told him that I was going to perform again. He did not approve. He liked that I didn't compete in a pageant, because that goes against the Temple question of supporting radical groups. If I won, I would do fund raising events for them. He told me that I needed to make a choice and deal with what I have been told and given. Old Aunt Rose is my fate. Nothing in my life will change that fate. Being a Nun and all that word means is the future for me. I told him that performing makes me really happy. Going to the temple gives me peace. Neither of those feelings last. You have to consistently be doing things in order for those reaffirming feelings continue to come. The Bishop suggested that I grow closer to the Savior and His atonement. He also said that doing that won't change my fate, it will only make it more bearable.

The Bishop is right. I haven't decided to leave all of my old life behind me. He said that I have no hope, no faith and therefore will remain miserable. He also advised that I find hope and drink some humble lemonade. I am stuck. I feel like there is no choice. I am being forced into a corner. The Bishop also told me that I am free to choose, but I am not free to choose when my test ends. I do not get to end my test.

I don't believe that all the effort that I'm making is going to make a difference. I am going to remain a barren stump on the road for travels to sit on my face as they walk by. He is right, I haven't made a decision. Nor do I feel like doing panda shows will harm me anymore than sitting in a pretty building with people dressed in white will change anything for the better that has to do with me, other than intense warm fuzzies in my heart. Both sensations fade... they don't last.

Trevor says that I should just leave or suck it up. He makes it sound so easy.

I think I am going to do nothing and just fade into the background. What does it matter if nothing changes for the better in the near future, when all that is promised is that it will be worth it in the end! My life experience has always been, you're screwed if you do good, you're screwed if you do bad... so do nothing or have fun doing as you like. Magic doesn't ease the ache. Warm fuzzies come and go as the seasons of time. I have nothing tangible to hang on too.

I am giving myself until my birthday to seriously make a decision about leaving Zion or leaving Babylon. I have been miserable living in both cities... I should choose which one I will remain in. That is what I have learned from you and Trevor, you two have chosen. I have not chosen yet.

I will find out. I hope that I will find something worthwhile....

May 13

Cory, 

I have so much that I want to tell you, and I cannot wait till later to tell you. A lot has been swirling around in my mind, and I feel like I need to share it with you.

My aunt died a couple of days ago. Today is her funeral in New Mexico. It was my mother’s sister. I have tried to go with my mom to these types of events for a couple of reasons. I’m a mama’s boy, it is her family, I don’t like it when mama has to do things on her own, as the oldest child, I feel responsible to know this side of the family that we barely got in contact with and because I just wanted to spend one on one time with my mom. I wasn’t able to go, because I can’t get that much work off to drive all the way down to New Mexico. Though it would be great to do another road trip with mama. We did it last year for my mom’s younger brother.

Let me share with you why it has brought me mixed feelings. The reservations are a horrible place to live. On my mission, I was able to live and see what it is like to be on the reservation. Living on the reservation was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. People were dying everywhere, all the time. People were sad, depressed, stuck and had little hope or reasons to live. I took it upon myself to spread love, joy, the gospel, hope and happiness across that small nation, the size of Connecticut. It was just me and my companion for the Lakota Cheyenne River Reservation. I spent the most time on that reservation. I had never felt the spirit more powerfully as I did during Fast Sunday. I still remember the spiritually strong women who would stand almost each month and bare such powerful testimonies of how they KNEW without a doubt that it was true. I mean, I could feel the Spirit like a thick fog that you could cut with a knife! I remember feeling so refreshed and refueled going to church on Sunday, because I had spread all that I had all week long and needed refueled. I remember all the women, who had such strong faith! They could turn on and off the Spirit like a light switch and it would just radiate! I remember writing in my journal and writing to my mom, that I wanted that! I wanted to feel and bring that strength all the time. Though, I forget that it was a high price to pay and I think I have some of it.

Some of the saddest memories was hearing about the Native American Placement Program, the church implemented. The church would take in Native kids and have them live with members in Utah and Idaho. The intention was to help the Natives or the Lamanites have a better life. Though, it hurt the kids more than it helped them. The members abused and were cruel to the Native kids often times. I heard more tragic stories than good ones. My mom was one of the lucky ones. Her parents adopted my mom and her biological mother gave her up, because Grandma Thelma wanted a better life for mama. Grandpa Smith, said that Thelma gave up mama and said, “You guys can’t have children, so I will give you my daughter. You can provide her with a life that I will never be able to. Please, take her and love her and give her a life that I cannot give her.”

As we have re-connected with my mother’s biological family, they have told us horrible stories of how the members were cruel to them. Mom and I are the only ones they have had contact with. But what was worse was, as they grew up, none of my mothers’ siblings are close. They didn’t grow up together. They were shipped out for 9 months with all different families and then barely spent time with each other for the remaining 3 months of the year. My uncles and aunts don’t really have family connections. My uncle said he felt like there was no place for him. He didn’t belong with his own people and he didn’t feel like he belong to the Mormon people. My mom is the only one of 13 that is in the church. The rest of her siblings live very different lives, full of sorrow, sadness and bitter feelings towards life and God. They live good lives, but there is something missing. I have been trying to do my family history work for them, because it breaks my heart to hear the stories. But I love them! They are a piece of me and I with them!

It is hard to watch mama interact with her siblings. She is so different from her siblings. They told her that she is the lucky one who escaped, loved and had a stable family. Though, mama’s life has had it’s horrible challenges, they are right. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ride because of all of this. I wish I was with mama right now to be there. I know how to assist people during funerals! I know how to heal hearts! I don’t want mama to be alone during a hard time. I am also struggling with gratitude and doubt. I don’t know why mom was saved and not her siblings? I don’t know how the law of compensation has come to help my family? Have not my family and people suffered enough? I am just overwhelmed with sorrow and gratitude for my family. Funerals are never a time that family should come to be together….

So what I have learned from this:

People who aren’t a part of the gospel don’t forgive. They don’t let go of the hurt. They don’t know how to access the atonement or use the Spirit of God to overcome the  ugliness of this life. My Aunts and Uncles are not inclined to forgive or forget. They are bitter and the hurt has cankered them. I see what a blessing it is to be a part of the gospel and to be able to hope for better things.

Being a part of a family, whether blood or not, is so important for the development and satisfaction of this life. Being a family and participating with them, helps build a base where people CAN hope, love and strive for something else. The basic needs are taken care of and then they can conqueror anything. They know that no matter where they go, they always have a place somewhere to return to. I have noticed that if people have 3 things, they can do anything: 1. They feel/recognize the Spirit, 2. They feel Loved by someone, 3. They feel connected to a greater cause/purpose/group, than themselves. I have noticed that if they don’t have these three things, it is very hard for them to move past hardships and challenges.

I am grateful to be able to see the Hand of God in the lives of others. I am being reminded of how important it is to live up to the covenants of baptism and the temple! There is so much suffering, sadness, hopelessness and many diverse ways  that people go and do to feel happiness and peace. But of all the things that we could be doing, living the gospel is so important. Sometimes I forget how much I can make a difference in so many lives. I forget that I can change the course of the future for anyone! But that is also true with YOU too!

After writing this, I feel better. I feel peace. I feel very blessed and very slothful. I can help more. I can heal more. I can reach out more. I can give of myself more freely. I am so greatly blessed. It reminds me of the hymn: Savior may I love my brother, when I walk imperfectly? I would learn the healers art. Pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond my own. Lord, I would follow thee.

Thank you for trying your hardest to be kind to me. I am so very grateful to have had rubbed shoulders with such a grand man of God! If we all had the opportunity to rub shoulders with a man like you, we’d never taste the aches of despair. :*)

May 12

Cory, 

I love how Gatsby looks at Daisy. I also love the way that she looks at him, with intrigue and surprise... he is so tender to her. I remember a time when I felt that way and was looked at that way... it was like a dream... yet I knew that it could never last. I don't know how people can just enjoy the moments as the come... especially when you can see the end. It's almost as if the journey isn't worth it... the lack luster fades as time goes on. I sometimes wish, I didn't see...

I am sorry that I hide things from you. Though, it makes me feel safe. I keep a lot of my feelings from you because I feel like you don't like to hear the sad/negative things. So, I don't say anything. I just tell you what you want to hear or what you'll believe. I'm sorry, I do the same thing to Traci. I do it because I don't want to get close to you and him. I don't want to care for you two, because caring for people is dangerous, especially if they are dudes. That has been my experience anyway. I have pulling from you and Traci, since I've been going to Affirmation. Those men, of the ancient age, know how I feel. You two do not. I feel more comfortable with them, than I do with you two. I feel so inadequate and out of place with you two. I don't always believe that you two care.

I have found a lot of peace with being with the older men of Affirmation. They are all in their late 50's and up. They have lived a life with the challenge and have seemed to have it together. Though, many do not agree on who to live a life. Some thing that being involved with a man is part of God's plan. Others feel like it doesn't really matter what rules you live by. God will accept and give you all the rules He expects you to live. Some of them have been given permission to date men! Only one, Jim, has lived the life of a nun. He is my favorite. Though his words of advice worries me. I don't want to pay the price required to do that life. He told me the last time that it is really hard, that he's had a hard time finding peace all the time, even though he and I agree.....
... I don't need to talk about this subject with you. I sound like a broken record.... apologizes for the redundant topic.....

Reading the scriptures every night has given me a nice boost of the spirit. I haven't felt the boost before... it is nice to feel this intense feeling of the Spirit. I suppose it's just enough to keep going for one more day. I don't always like having to rely on God. It is hard to do it...  Though, I am trying really hard to believe in your blessing...

May 11

Cory, 

Today was pretty boring. Work work work and then gym. I think I really only chatted with one young guy at the gym. I'm not as happy when I don't talk to a lot of people, and I regret not meeting more. I only have two days left at work. I keep finding problems with a big project I put together; hopefully I'll be able to finish it and prove useful before I leave.

Last night I hung out with that girl Anna I told you about. She said she hasn't told anyone - even family - what caused her all that pain, and she still didn't tell me. I guess she doesn't have a good relationship with her parents, and she doesn't tell people about that either. She said when she had tried to tell people things they just abandoned her, so now she doesn't trust people. Seems kinda sad and lonely. We were cuddly, but I really don't want to date her, and I'm trying to not lead her on. She probably wanted me to kiss her but I didn't. Before that I got to join the missionaries for a lesson with a cute old Russian lady! It was so much fun. I felt the spirit when I testified and realized that my post-mission experiences definitely add depth to my testimony.

Booty Zumba

I had so much fun last night going to the gym. I went to booty zumba for the first in a long time, and it was SO MUCH FUN! I looked real good in the mirror! HAHAHAHAHAA

What was even more fun, was a girl in my ward showed up in the class, and she said, she had so much fun dancing next to me that she wanted to be my gym partner! So I said, YES! So we are going to be gym buddies Monday night and dance, dance revolution at the gym! HAHAHAHA...

 Her name is Sara Taylor. She told me about her boyfriend. She's only been dating him for 2 months. She just told me about her insecurities about him, that she is not sure if dating is the best idea for her with him, yet at the same breath, she was so happy to be with him. She showed me pics of him. He's a good man. She'll likely marry him if she can overcome his lack of emotional unavailability. He likes her a lot, but isn't very much for sharing thoughts or feelings. It's his lack of responses that gives her a little bit of anxiety. It's funny that men and women are so very different and yet, they are so very complimentary to one another.... :). She also described how some of his behavior makes her think that he's a little off. She described some behavior to me and I was thinking... he may have Autism or be a psychopath! HAAHHAHAa... but for real though! Sara is a social worker too, so she may do some assessments on him! LOL

I really liked talking to her about her dreams, wishes and hopes for the future. For a moment, it is nice to look at people and see glimpses of what could be at that moment! It is beautiful! People, are such wonderful beings. There is so much wonder in eternal beings that are trying to be the best they can be. I have been so fortunate to rub shoulders with such grand sisters in my ward. Where I live, there is such strength, such glorious spirit among the sisters. I have also seen such changes in the men. I suppose, my time is done now. I don't know what more an old cat lady can offer the young generation whose minds are set on eternal marriage. I think I need to speak with the Lord to see if it is time to die in the pasture.

I spoke with Thad last night and he seems happy. He actually seems so happy. John is still grieving the loss of his father, so it is interesting to see how they interact with each other. John came by while I was chatting with Thad about the surprise b-day party Thad is throwing for John. It's funny, Thad doesn't really have anything planned. The party is next week!? I offered to assist and he wants me to make a cake?! I don't know if I like Thad that much to make a cake for his bf?!... but I will if he needs that much help. Thad just laughed and said he wasn't sure what to do but go to dinner and then come back home and play games. I gave him suggestions of what I thought would be fun... so we'll see. Thad wants me to go to pasture too. LOL

The really interesting thing, is I think that Booty Zumba can be my replacement for Panda performances. I can zone out, be myself, work the dance floor, look over my shoulder and see maybe I'm being checked out?!... fully knowing that nothing will come from that... AND I'm surrounded by ladies who are just trying to be skinny! It seems like a win/win. Though, it is not what I want, I suppose it is better for me.

Of all the things that I have given up, Panda is not something that I want to give up! I love the way I feel when I do it! I feel so alive. Booty Zumba makes me feel alive too, but in a very different way. I have a lot to think about and consider.

Thanks for listening...

May 12, 2016

Today was a drag. I had a hard time staying positive. I just wanted to stab people and punch fat ladies in the uterus. I don't like it when people deem me to be lesser, especially when it comes to my abilities. I don't like how my co-workers find me to be unprofessional and being treated with favoritism.

I did my best to separate myself from them. Going to work is hard again. They feel like I am not doing my job. Though, I am determined to prove them wrong and then rub it in their faces. I was wrong to believe that I could be friends with shady people who can't be trusted.

I find it harder and harder to be who I am in this world and society. I stand out too much. I should have studied in fashion and should have not been afraid of what others would think about me. I should have done fashion and art. I love it and now I feel like I am playing catch up.


Right now, I am at odds with my belief system. It is so hard to believe in God and His 'plan' for me. It's hard to see him treat others around me so much better than I feel like He treats me. I mean, my best friend likes to tell me that he'll always be around to care and love me for me. He has also told me that he'll do anything for me, because he feels like I am family. I have a hard time believing that. He and I are on different playing fields. He'll get married, have a family. I am corralled into the life of celibacy. In my belief system, there isn't must direction on being a nun. In fact, they discourage it. Marriage, having kids and being a family is what they really cling to. Given that that option is not available to me, I find the only way back to God is being a single cat lady.

Though, when I was younger, I was never so consumed by this idea. When I was younger, I was very confident that I could do it alone. Now that I'm grown and older, I don't feel like I can do it. Friends come and go. I won't have an equal to assist me in anything. Though, my best friend says he will. He is single now, that isn't guaranteed.  He is kind to me. I just don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, while being surrounded by couples and babies. I've grown to despise Love!

Writing this down and sharing my thoughts to a blank space of the Internet helps me feel better. I prayed to feel peace. It came. My situation hasn't changed, though, my best friends reminds me to take note that no situation is permanent... the constant in life is change.

... I am trying....

This song represents my feelings....

Work Definitions

Today was a really good day! I was really content and happy. I woke up refreshed and happy to alive and living. It seems to be so rare that these moments come. It has been a long time where I felt like the world was right, I was right and I felt like things could be OK.

It was really nice.

Work is a place that can be dramatic. The managers are getting antsy. They had a meeting today and complained about the director and me. The critiques they had for me were these:

1. I need to be more polished in my professionalism.
2. I appear to have my own agenda, instead of being a team player.
3. They are not sure what my job description is and therefore are uncertain of what I'm doing.

This was a total shock to me. I really like my co-workers. I was shocked that they felt like I wasn't being an asset to the team. They had even suggested to cut my position so they can have an additional position that fills another need.

I am in shock. I am sort of mad that they feel like I'm being given special treatment. I feel like I am a good worker and add to the team dynamic. I am not angry or sad. I just feel like I need to prove my worth. No one likes to do that, but it seems like that is something that needs to happen.

I also understand that most people feel like they are doing a whole lot more work that what they are really doing and feel like all the other people don't pull their weight. It seems like there is a serious issue with people wanting to have their hands in the cookie jar and not worrying about their own work.

I am not going to let this get to me, though, I am going to prove these bitches wrong. I have also decided that me liking them as friends is too chummy chummy, so I have deleted them off FaceBook. I don't need to be friends with them. They aren't my friends, they are my co-workers. I have forgotten that you do not mix pleasure and business. That is what I will do. I will keep them at a distance and just do my job.

The Bull

It has been a really long time since I have posted.

I have met a new friend that I have felt that I needed to be chained too, because of the visions of heaven. I've known him since August of 2015.

His name is Pappy. He isn't older than me, but he does look a little bit older than me. White people don't always age as well and cocoa butter individuals as me! Pappy is very different than I am. He is a tall, handsome, man that is pretty popular and really into outdoor, water sports. When you think of a popular, prince charming, that his him. Then there is me: tall, flawless skin, some what fem individual. We don't have a lot in common, other than we have the same faith system. That is pretty much that binds our commonalities.

I have tried my hardest to be the best friend that I could be with him. After all, that is what I've been asked to do: Be the best support to him, help him, love him, give him all that you have to offer. It was a divine mandate. Boy, can I tell you that has not been easy. Pappy is a very good man. The things that I think are great are these: He is not afraid of commitment, He is really polite, He is a great missionary, He is very faithful to his ideology no matter what, He is a very devoted boyfriend, He is a good listener. He is just an overall good guy. In some ways, he's almost perfect.

Though perfection is not something that any of us can obtain in this life. The flaws of him are these: He is self-interested, He isn't patience for things he deems lesser than him, He doesn't know how to connect with people in a deep, meaningful way, He uses people for prestige, power and position. In short, he is too pretty for his own good.

People are naturally drawn to him. He is really friendly, polite and is willing to listen to you. For me, I don't like him all that much when I met him. He seemed so uninterested in the better things in life. Though, I realized that what he valued was different than mine, but there wasn't too much difference in value. I also noticed that he's not very self aware. He said a lot of flowery things of the hopes and dreams that he wants to accomplish. Though, his actions don't always reflect that.

Some of the really cool things he shared with me was, He didn't want to be the typical jock guy who was only interested in women and could care less about other people. He didn't want to like and fall after mean women who were pretty on the outside, but were monsters on the inside. Another thing was, he wanted to be able to love people more freely. He wanted to relate and feel after other people. He wants to be able to find his unique gifts and abilities and use them for good to help others along the way.

I think that he is doing a really good job at being selfless, being inclusive and being willing to be a good example! He has come a long way. 9 months is a long time.

He is currently studying abroad, making a life for himself and his future doing some internships with some pretty prestigious companies. He has asked me to keep in touch with him, by writing to him everyday via social media and instant messaging. He has requested that I share with him how I feel and how my life is doing. I will admit, I find this request a nice gesture. Though, as nice as it is, I don't really enjoy the interaction that much. I have come to the conclusion that he is just wanting me around for my abilities and gifts. I have noticed from the very beginning that he was only interested in what I could assist him in; a magic mirror. I have hoped that he would get over that, but to no avail.

I have done everything possible that I think I could do for a friend. I have put his name on the Temple roll twice a week for the past 9 months, I threw him a dirty 30 party and dropped some serious cash, I have been available for him to talk to at his beck and call, I have shared with him my all my talents and abilities and have striven to put him in situations and positions that he'd benefit from those situations and people. I have given him all that I have to give a person. What has broke my persistence was when I told him yesterday that I loved him and that I was thankful for everything he has done. His response was, "I haven't done anything."

With his response, I realized that he was right. He hasn't done anything really to maintain our friendship.  He has answered his phone, my texts, invited me here and there, ate the food that I cooked. That is pretty much it. Nothing really that I can't find from a stray dog or animal.

I have have been torn over this with him. I had left our friendship for a week and was punished for it by the divine. I wasn't happy with the relationship. I felt like he didn't care. It was very, when he wanted to. Though it was often when he needed something that spurred the contact. When I came back, we sort of explained what we wanted out of the friendship. He wanted to be my friend and wanted me to be around. I wanted him to be a best friend, a person that I could confide in. Though, I realized that his definition of friendship and mine are very different. Mine is more involved. His is not all that involved.

We've made a good go. He's really busy in school and his studies. Though, in my mind, people make time for the things that they really want. I feel like our friendship is more like a relationship of convinence. Does he care about me? Probably. Is it enough for me? No, I want an equality of effort. Though, that is something that I cannot request. Love and devotion only appears when given freely.

I feel good that I have given him all that I have to offer. I have decided to let him go. I will assist him in the things that he asks of me, I'm happy to help and support. But I have given up on the idea that he and I will ever be close friends. It is OK. This is a part of life. What sucks is, I felt like this is how it would happen, and here it is... happening. He won't know that the affection that I have for him, is pretty much dead.

I feel really sad that he doesn't care about me all that much, when my heart was into our friendship. But there is a part of me that feels good about it. A part of me says to wait, and I'm happy to assist when he asks, but I'm not going to actively seek him out. There isn't much point to it. He wants things that I can't provide him.

Of the many negative and positive things, I am a wonderful and loyal friend.