May 12

Cory, 

I love how Gatsby looks at Daisy. I also love the way that she looks at him, with intrigue and surprise... he is so tender to her. I remember a time when I felt that way and was looked at that way... it was like a dream... yet I knew that it could never last. I don't know how people can just enjoy the moments as the come... especially when you can see the end. It's almost as if the journey isn't worth it... the lack luster fades as time goes on. I sometimes wish, I didn't see...

I am sorry that I hide things from you. Though, it makes me feel safe. I keep a lot of my feelings from you because I feel like you don't like to hear the sad/negative things. So, I don't say anything. I just tell you what you want to hear or what you'll believe. I'm sorry, I do the same thing to Traci. I do it because I don't want to get close to you and him. I don't want to care for you two, because caring for people is dangerous, especially if they are dudes. That has been my experience anyway. I have pulling from you and Traci, since I've been going to Affirmation. Those men, of the ancient age, know how I feel. You two do not. I feel more comfortable with them, than I do with you two. I feel so inadequate and out of place with you two. I don't always believe that you two care.

I have found a lot of peace with being with the older men of Affirmation. They are all in their late 50's and up. They have lived a life with the challenge and have seemed to have it together. Though, many do not agree on who to live a life. Some thing that being involved with a man is part of God's plan. Others feel like it doesn't really matter what rules you live by. God will accept and give you all the rules He expects you to live. Some of them have been given permission to date men! Only one, Jim, has lived the life of a nun. He is my favorite. Though his words of advice worries me. I don't want to pay the price required to do that life. He told me the last time that it is really hard, that he's had a hard time finding peace all the time, even though he and I agree.....
... I don't need to talk about this subject with you. I sound like a broken record.... apologizes for the redundant topic.....

Reading the scriptures every night has given me a nice boost of the spirit. I haven't felt the boost before... it is nice to feel this intense feeling of the Spirit. I suppose it's just enough to keep going for one more day. I don't always like having to rely on God. It is hard to do it...  Though, I am trying really hard to believe in your blessing...