May 12, 2016

Today was a drag. I had a hard time staying positive. I just wanted to stab people and punch fat ladies in the uterus. I don't like it when people deem me to be lesser, especially when it comes to my abilities. I don't like how my co-workers find me to be unprofessional and being treated with favoritism.

I did my best to separate myself from them. Going to work is hard again. They feel like I am not doing my job. Though, I am determined to prove them wrong and then rub it in their faces. I was wrong to believe that I could be friends with shady people who can't be trusted.

I find it harder and harder to be who I am in this world and society. I stand out too much. I should have studied in fashion and should have not been afraid of what others would think about me. I should have done fashion and art. I love it and now I feel like I am playing catch up.


Right now, I am at odds with my belief system. It is so hard to believe in God and His 'plan' for me. It's hard to see him treat others around me so much better than I feel like He treats me. I mean, my best friend likes to tell me that he'll always be around to care and love me for me. He has also told me that he'll do anything for me, because he feels like I am family. I have a hard time believing that. He and I are on different playing fields. He'll get married, have a family. I am corralled into the life of celibacy. In my belief system, there isn't must direction on being a nun. In fact, they discourage it. Marriage, having kids and being a family is what they really cling to. Given that that option is not available to me, I find the only way back to God is being a single cat lady.

Though, when I was younger, I was never so consumed by this idea. When I was younger, I was very confident that I could do it alone. Now that I'm grown and older, I don't feel like I can do it. Friends come and go. I won't have an equal to assist me in anything. Though, my best friend says he will. He is single now, that isn't guaranteed.  He is kind to me. I just don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, while being surrounded by couples and babies. I've grown to despise Love!

Writing this down and sharing my thoughts to a blank space of the Internet helps me feel better. I prayed to feel peace. It came. My situation hasn't changed, though, my best friends reminds me to take note that no situation is permanent... the constant in life is change.

... I am trying....

This song represents my feelings....