The only choice is to accept it and move on. There is no need to continue to cry over spilled milk and refusing to clean it up. Just clean it up or walk away...
I slept really well last night. I slept in till 9 am. No texts, no phone calls or emails. It is weird when you have contact and then all of a sudden it stops. My friend Traci, was always there for me to be in contact with or I in contact with him. Now that he is not around, it is weird. It's a void that just there. I look at the void and see nothing but emptiness. Though I know that he'll return from his vacation, it just won't be the same. I know that our friendship will change. The consistency of contact will become less and less. A part of me is OK with it. I've known that it would always be like this. It is just weird to see the vast expanse of emptiness. Naturally there is an opposition in all things.
I feel a strange calm to my emptiness.
A friend of mine, Reid, left today. We went and had brunch and talked about his hopes and dreams. He is excited for the move with his dream job. He is sad to see his girlfriend/not girlfriend stay here in Utah, while he moves to Detroit. He said that he'll be back in a month. He was happy to say that to me. He noticed that I was in a contemplative mood. He thought it was nice to see the calm that can be over me. I was just overwhelmed with all the change that is here at my footsteps.
Another friend of mine is moving to New York for an internship. Cory has moved to Minnesota for an internship. With the people that have moved on in their lives, I used to get all bent out of shape. In some way, I felt abandoned, though I didn't have too many deep connections with most of the friends that I rub shoulders with. I don't like the feeling of being abandoned. Yet, truthfully, they haven't abandoned me, I just wish that there was more connection, love, caring between the people that I meet. My path is very different than the others. Because of my beliefs, I am asked to be a nun for my life. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, truly asks the members that are gay to be nuns. Yet, the Church does not glorify Nun/Monk lifestyles.
The thing that I did today that brought me a sense of calm and peace for the crap show that I am stuck in was listening to a talk by the leadership of the Church, Elder Rendlund. He spoke about how we as people may feel we are treated unfairly by God and notice how a blessing to one can be an offense to us. The root of those feelings is because we are distant from God. For those that know me, I've never been too keen on building a relationship with God. I find Him to be a cruel person on purpose. Yet all the words that were spoken by Elder Rendlund rang true. I was being a bitter betty because I wasn't close to God. I decided to go to the only place that I know that is a piece of Heaven. I went to the Temple.
Going to the temple, I had to train my mind to be humble. I am a very prideful person. I don't need anyone's help, I don't need protection, I don't need anyone. Sadly, that is not true. I need the Savior and God. Though, a big huge part of me resists that truth a lot. The thought that came to my mind was, it would seem that the reason I am trapped, is so there is only one way out and that is in the arms of God. I'm so prideful that I'd rather die in the mud, drowning in sorrow than go to Him for healing. In my eyes, either way is painful and there is no end to feeling stuck. To me, God is just as a painful path as staying bitter.
In the temple, I felt peace. I went and did a session of endowments. That session is 2 1/2 hours worth of time. I cried. I felt the peace of the Temple. My heart was filled with this sensation of being washed with sparkling water that was warm and gentle. Then, I started to feel the slight burning sensation in my heart that was pointed and concise. Then I started to feel my whole being be filled with warmth and energy. I hear the Voice of God clearly in His house. He has been telling me for awhile what He would have me do.
I'm afraid that He won't take care of me. I'm afraid that He'll leave me just hurting in the open space for others to hurt me. I have a hard time giving up those pieces of me that bring me such peace, such self-satisfaction. I feel free doing Drag. I feel like me in those clothes... where my skin is soft, my hair is long, my body firm and curvy... my actions and voice match what I look like: a classy, beautiful and strong woman. People look at me with desire and gentleness. People treat me kindly and want me to be around.
I am not a woman. I am a tall, built man. I love the fantasy, the illusion that Drag gives me. I feel worthwhile in Drag. I feel like I can be myself in it. I feel like there is no hiding in Drag. I have been asked to give all that up, to be a good Nun. I made promises that I would do anything that is asked of me.
I don't know what will happen when I do completely. I don't have a lot of hope or faith that I will be treated with kindness or help. However, I have been asked to do it, so I am mustering all my strength to find the faith to do it.
....
I slept really well last night. I slept in till 9 am. No texts, no phone calls or emails. It is weird when you have contact and then all of a sudden it stops. My friend Traci, was always there for me to be in contact with or I in contact with him. Now that he is not around, it is weird. It's a void that just there. I look at the void and see nothing but emptiness. Though I know that he'll return from his vacation, it just won't be the same. I know that our friendship will change. The consistency of contact will become less and less. A part of me is OK with it. I've known that it would always be like this. It is just weird to see the vast expanse of emptiness. Naturally there is an opposition in all things.
I feel a strange calm to my emptiness.
A friend of mine, Reid, left today. We went and had brunch and talked about his hopes and dreams. He is excited for the move with his dream job. He is sad to see his girlfriend/not girlfriend stay here in Utah, while he moves to Detroit. He said that he'll be back in a month. He was happy to say that to me. He noticed that I was in a contemplative mood. He thought it was nice to see the calm that can be over me. I was just overwhelmed with all the change that is here at my footsteps.
Another friend of mine is moving to New York for an internship. Cory has moved to Minnesota for an internship. With the people that have moved on in their lives, I used to get all bent out of shape. In some way, I felt abandoned, though I didn't have too many deep connections with most of the friends that I rub shoulders with. I don't like the feeling of being abandoned. Yet, truthfully, they haven't abandoned me, I just wish that there was more connection, love, caring between the people that I meet. My path is very different than the others. Because of my beliefs, I am asked to be a nun for my life. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, truly asks the members that are gay to be nuns. Yet, the Church does not glorify Nun/Monk lifestyles.
The thing that I did today that brought me a sense of calm and peace for the crap show that I am stuck in was listening to a talk by the leadership of the Church, Elder Rendlund. He spoke about how we as people may feel we are treated unfairly by God and notice how a blessing to one can be an offense to us. The root of those feelings is because we are distant from God. For those that know me, I've never been too keen on building a relationship with God. I find Him to be a cruel person on purpose. Yet all the words that were spoken by Elder Rendlund rang true. I was being a bitter betty because I wasn't close to God. I decided to go to the only place that I know that is a piece of Heaven. I went to the Temple.
Going to the temple, I had to train my mind to be humble. I am a very prideful person. I don't need anyone's help, I don't need protection, I don't need anyone. Sadly, that is not true. I need the Savior and God. Though, a big huge part of me resists that truth a lot. The thought that came to my mind was, it would seem that the reason I am trapped, is so there is only one way out and that is in the arms of God. I'm so prideful that I'd rather die in the mud, drowning in sorrow than go to Him for healing. In my eyes, either way is painful and there is no end to feeling stuck. To me, God is just as a painful path as staying bitter.
In the temple, I felt peace. I went and did a session of endowments. That session is 2 1/2 hours worth of time. I cried. I felt the peace of the Temple. My heart was filled with this sensation of being washed with sparkling water that was warm and gentle. Then, I started to feel the slight burning sensation in my heart that was pointed and concise. Then I started to feel my whole being be filled with warmth and energy. I hear the Voice of God clearly in His house. He has been telling me for awhile what He would have me do.
I'm afraid that He won't take care of me. I'm afraid that He'll leave me just hurting in the open space for others to hurt me. I have a hard time giving up those pieces of me that bring me such peace, such self-satisfaction. I feel free doing Drag. I feel like me in those clothes... where my skin is soft, my hair is long, my body firm and curvy... my actions and voice match what I look like: a classy, beautiful and strong woman. People look at me with desire and gentleness. People treat me kindly and want me to be around.
I am not a woman. I am a tall, built man. I love the fantasy, the illusion that Drag gives me. I feel worthwhile in Drag. I feel like I can be myself in it. I feel like there is no hiding in Drag. I have been asked to give all that up, to be a good Nun. I made promises that I would do anything that is asked of me.
I don't know what will happen when I do completely. I don't have a lot of hope or faith that I will be treated with kindness or help. However, I have been asked to do it, so I am mustering all my strength to find the faith to do it.
....
....
....
I cry all the time. I used to never cry over anything much back then, given my history. Yet, as I have tried to be the best person that I could be, I've never been filled with such sorrow, anger, anxiety, hopelessness in my life. I remember feeling like this when I got home from serving a mission and hearing that my Step-Dad was in prison for molesting my sister. Then and there my heart hardened towards all men, divine or otherwise. When it counted the most, we were destroyed by a man. My family had been destroyed by my father once before. I want justice! I want compensation and felt like it has never come. That is why I am afraid. I have finally found a passion, a joy, a thing that is mine and that brings me so much happiness. Now that I have found it, I have to give it up.
I feel like that with anything that I have given my heart and might too.... Tristan and Drag. I don't see my relationship with Trevor or Cory being much any different. I put my all into those people and then I am left with heart ache, sorrow and being alone and barren.
I feel like that with anything that I have given my heart and might too.... Tristan and Drag. I don't see my relationship with Trevor or Cory being much any different. I put my all into those people and then I am left with heart ache, sorrow and being alone and barren.
I think that my attitude is changing. I don't get sick to my stomach when I see couples getting all physical or when I see romantic scenes of lovers loving each other. Staying busy is key for now. Reid said that his sister had to come to accept her fate. She uses the nieces and nephews as surrogates for her own experience for kids. The success of my loved ones can be my success. I suppose when I write this message over and over and over and over, that one day I'll believe it. I'll believe being a Nun is worthwhile.
The only constant in life is Change.
....
The only constant in life is Change.
....
....
....
I cry all the time, even when I feel calm. I want something good and substantial to happen and I feel like that is the true fantasy.....
I feel empty, yet peaceful.
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