Dear Cory,
Yesterday was pretty meh. I was in a good place considering it was a normal day. As the day progressed, I started to slip. I started to just cry over what needs to be done in my life.
I went to FHE. It was a ward BBQ. A lot of people showed up, that I didn’t know who they were. People are fickle about church, which is funny to me. I don’t understand that people have to have friends at church to be able to want to stay in church? There are only a few people in the ward that I admire because they come to church with no intentions, other than to worship. Granted, being social is a great help, I admire the strength and determination of those who go without external help. Often they are the hardest to fellowship. They usually don’t like it. There is a girl in particular that I really like. She is a man-hater though. She doesn’t like me. I’ve tried my hardest to just be friendly and she won’t have it. It makes me sad because I think that I was probably like her at one point or another in my life. It sucks when you try to be friendly to people you’d like to be friends with and they won’t have it. She doesn’t have any issues with rubbing shoulders with chicks though. I suppose it’s not meant to be.
So many people in my life right now are leaving. I have not been able to keep up with it honestly. I hate the summer for that reason, it is so transitional for a lot people and things. When I came home from work, I saw my friend Reid have a moving truck and movers taking all his stuff out. I went over to say hi and we chatted for a good portion of the day. We went to the BBQ together. I was surprised that he hoped that I would find happiness in this life. He said that he had noticed that I have not been myself for the past couple of months. He said that I seemed diminished. I told him that I have been tired. He told me that I should probably take care of myself. He was concerned that I may have put much focus on you and Traci and not enough focus on myself. When he was talking about it, he mentioned that each time Reid and I get together, I always mention you and Traci. He said that because he cares for me, he wishes at times that I wasn’t so involved with you two. He was worried that I was self-destructing with you two. But he also said that he was OK with it because he knew that it was what God would have me do, he just didn’t understand or like it that much. Having Reid express his real feelings about me and his thoughts came as a shock. I’m never really sure if people care or not. Their words and actions don’t always match. I suppose it has to do with my love language meter. Since all my love languages are all about the same score, the book says that I am really good at showing love, but it is a challenge for someone like me to feel loved.
Watching people move in life is hard. I feel damned sometimes. Like Rapunzel stuck in a tower waiting for the great apocalypse to take over the world so that I can be called home. Haha… it’s funny. I almost imagine that 7 dudes will just show up to my magic tower, looking for answers and they’ll find a answer.
Sometimes, I think that if I was a girl, my life would be very different. I imagine that I would be as beautiful as my mother. I would be independent, strong, beautiful. I don’t know if I would be married the same time she was, maybe. I would imagine that I would be successful in the fashion industry. I would probably be married, with 3 kids. I would be lovely. I would be the perfect child, reliving the dreams and hopes that my mom had for herself and for me. I would have a family that was full of love, kindness and the Spirit of God. Though, I also imagine that I would have the rocky moments that most people have in married life, struggles, heart ache, though I imagine that because of who I was, I would make it work. My children would be loved and cared for. I would make them clothes, I would love them! The beauty of my kids would be that they were kind, that they could feel the Spirit and they were considerate and just gracious. My oldest daughter, I would name her after mom. Mom would love them too. I would be the best parent that I could be. If I was lucky, I would have married an equal who was just as great as I was. I would be a treasure and a wonderful reflection of the wonder of my mom.
I don’t find such grandeur in being a nun, locked in a tower. LOL. This song brings me comfort and yearnings. I forget that trying to not feel doesn’t work. We as humans cannot selectively numb the bad emotions vs. the good ones. If you numb one, you numb them both. Love/Apathy are two sides of the same coin. If you put one away, the other is put away as well.
Yesterday was pretty meh. I was in a good place considering it was a normal day. As the day progressed, I started to slip. I started to just cry over what needs to be done in my life.
I went to FHE. It was a ward BBQ. A lot of people showed up, that I didn’t know who they were. People are fickle about church, which is funny to me. I don’t understand that people have to have friends at church to be able to want to stay in church? There are only a few people in the ward that I admire because they come to church with no intentions, other than to worship. Granted, being social is a great help, I admire the strength and determination of those who go without external help. Often they are the hardest to fellowship. They usually don’t like it. There is a girl in particular that I really like. She is a man-hater though. She doesn’t like me. I’ve tried my hardest to just be friendly and she won’t have it. It makes me sad because I think that I was probably like her at one point or another in my life. It sucks when you try to be friendly to people you’d like to be friends with and they won’t have it. She doesn’t have any issues with rubbing shoulders with chicks though. I suppose it’s not meant to be.
So many people in my life right now are leaving. I have not been able to keep up with it honestly. I hate the summer for that reason, it is so transitional for a lot people and things. When I came home from work, I saw my friend Reid have a moving truck and movers taking all his stuff out. I went over to say hi and we chatted for a good portion of the day. We went to the BBQ together. I was surprised that he hoped that I would find happiness in this life. He said that he had noticed that I have not been myself for the past couple of months. He said that I seemed diminished. I told him that I have been tired. He told me that I should probably take care of myself. He was concerned that I may have put much focus on you and Traci and not enough focus on myself. When he was talking about it, he mentioned that each time Reid and I get together, I always mention you and Traci. He said that because he cares for me, he wishes at times that I wasn’t so involved with you two. He was worried that I was self-destructing with you two. But he also said that he was OK with it because he knew that it was what God would have me do, he just didn’t understand or like it that much. Having Reid express his real feelings about me and his thoughts came as a shock. I’m never really sure if people care or not. Their words and actions don’t always match. I suppose it has to do with my love language meter. Since all my love languages are all about the same score, the book says that I am really good at showing love, but it is a challenge for someone like me to feel loved.
Watching people move in life is hard. I feel damned sometimes. Like Rapunzel stuck in a tower waiting for the great apocalypse to take over the world so that I can be called home. Haha… it’s funny. I almost imagine that 7 dudes will just show up to my magic tower, looking for answers and they’ll find a answer.
Sometimes, I think that if I was a girl, my life would be very different. I imagine that I would be as beautiful as my mother. I would be independent, strong, beautiful. I don’t know if I would be married the same time she was, maybe. I would imagine that I would be successful in the fashion industry. I would probably be married, with 3 kids. I would be lovely. I would be the perfect child, reliving the dreams and hopes that my mom had for herself and for me. I would have a family that was full of love, kindness and the Spirit of God. Though, I also imagine that I would have the rocky moments that most people have in married life, struggles, heart ache, though I imagine that because of who I was, I would make it work. My children would be loved and cared for. I would make them clothes, I would love them! The beauty of my kids would be that they were kind, that they could feel the Spirit and they were considerate and just gracious. My oldest daughter, I would name her after mom. Mom would love them too. I would be the best parent that I could be. If I was lucky, I would have married an equal who was just as great as I was. I would be a treasure and a wonderful reflection of the wonder of my mom.
I don’t find such grandeur in being a nun, locked in a tower. LOL. This song brings me comfort and yearnings. I forget that trying to not feel doesn’t work. We as humans cannot selectively numb the bad emotions vs. the good ones. If you numb one, you numb them both. Love/Apathy are two sides of the same coin. If you put one away, the other is put away as well.
It makes sense why I like to drown in music, to feel connected. The song, the lyrics, the melody, the harmony brings out the beauty of not just feelings, but it opens up what had happened to the individual of what they are singing about. It isn’t my pain, it is theirs. That means that when the song ends, the pain does too.
I did go to the gym last night with my new ward friend. She is really good at dancing. She is really kind to me. It’s like we’re just best friends. She tells me a lot about her boyfriend and her life. I like her. She has replaced a void in my life that has been empty for awhile. I suppose that is what is supposed to happen, fill spots that are vacant. I am happy that she is filling that spot. It is actually really nice to go to booty zumba with someone. My schedule is changing again. I told you my day off is going to be Friday next week until… sometime.
I found a flower wholesale warehouse! I want to buy a whole bunch of flowers and fill my room. I want it to be a jungle and pretend that it is my own garden of Eden. There will be my fountain blowing the delicious scent of my own making, with my plants, a faint breeze from my fan, my velvet blankets, freshly cleaned, some tea, my Sniffles pillow, a fish and the quiet tune of melodies of hope…. I could just stay in my room forever and never leave! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA… I want to be able to be talk to the animals and plants… so we can always have fun. Their souls live up the fullness of their creation! Giggles…. OOooo I have a garden growing in pots!
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