May 16

Cory, 

I am writing this that you may understand. I hope that you can forgive me for the thoughts that I will share with you.

Today, I went to the Bishop to ask for counsel and advice. As you know, I was released, so I am no longer bound to the care of the EQ. Though, I feel like I had failed my calling because I did not learn to love the EQ men. I was happy to serve them, but I did not love them. That was the purpose of my calling... to love them.

You also know that I have been going to the Affirmation meetings each Sunday for their FHE meetings. It is a place where I have felt peace and the Spirit. Though, last week, the discussion troubled me greatly. The man that had taught the lesson, shared with us that he was given personal revelation that pineapple marriage is an eternal law for time only. That the church would eventually recognize it and it may or may not be done in the Temple. He also felt that the revelation told him that this was the fullness of times dispensation. We have yet more to learn concerning the gospel and doctrines.

I have been troubled all week about this. Affirmation is not sanctioned by the Church, nor do they seem to teach complete doctrine. Though, the arguments that they make are sound, when riddled with scriptures and reasoning behind the scriptures to support their answers. Another one of their reasoning's were: God will allow for people to make certain mistakes given the go before Him and work out a plan. Salvation is between you and Him. He has given some pineapples permission to date/marry one another, on the premise that they live the gospel the best way they know how. Their relationship is the same as if they were with the opposite gender: faithful, cherish, remain loyal to the other, but with another pineapple. They also condone that what HF gives you permission through your own revelation, He will accept.

This ideology has troubled me greatly. Though, I love being around these older members because they have the experience and know how to function in life, their ideology about the gospel is far different than mine. For example, one of the gents told me that he cleanly obeys the Word of Wisdom. I asked what that meant. He explained that he drinks caffeinated beverages and decaf coffee. So for the most party, he feels in the 'OK' by bending the rules. He also believes that relationships between pineapples is part of the Celestial tiers of heaven. He explained that the Bible is the Word of God as far as it is translated directly. Christ never mentioned anything about pineapples in his ministry. Our theology teaches us how to get to the highest tier, but we are not told what the other 2 are. He believes that is where pineapple unions are placed, as long as you live with complete fidelity.

I shared these concerns with the Bishop and he has advised me that perhaps the longer that I stay with this group of people, their fellowship, support and knowledge, that eventually I will slip into radical behaviors and ideas as your friend Christian has fallen into. This cannot happen to me. Though, I'm not sure I am completely convinced that I will fall. I am more unwilling to let go of a support group that knows how I feel and that I can rely on. They understand me. They know how I feel because they have faced it! Though, I find this great support among men and women who seem to have lived a life that works for them and they are happy... but have not come to the same conclusion as I have. Even Jim seems to be tainted in my eyes about what I can and cannot do.

The Bishop also told me that I am still on the fence about the church. He explained that I still have one shoe in Babylon and one shoe in Zion. I told him that I was going to perform again. He did not approve. He liked that I didn't compete in a pageant, because that goes against the Temple question of supporting radical groups. If I won, I would do fund raising events for them. He told me that I needed to make a choice and deal with what I have been told and given. Old Aunt Rose is my fate. Nothing in my life will change that fate. Being a Nun and all that word means is the future for me. I told him that performing makes me really happy. Going to the temple gives me peace. Neither of those feelings last. You have to consistently be doing things in order for those reaffirming feelings continue to come. The Bishop suggested that I grow closer to the Savior and His atonement. He also said that doing that won't change my fate, it will only make it more bearable.

The Bishop is right. I haven't decided to leave all of my old life behind me. He said that I have no hope, no faith and therefore will remain miserable. He also advised that I find hope and drink some humble lemonade. I am stuck. I feel like there is no choice. I am being forced into a corner. The Bishop also told me that I am free to choose, but I am not free to choose when my test ends. I do not get to end my test.

I don't believe that all the effort that I'm making is going to make a difference. I am going to remain a barren stump on the road for travels to sit on my face as they walk by. He is right, I haven't made a decision. Nor do I feel like doing panda shows will harm me anymore than sitting in a pretty building with people dressed in white will change anything for the better that has to do with me, other than intense warm fuzzies in my heart. Both sensations fade... they don't last.

Trevor says that I should just leave or suck it up. He makes it sound so easy.

I think I am going to do nothing and just fade into the background. What does it matter if nothing changes for the better in the near future, when all that is promised is that it will be worth it in the end! My life experience has always been, you're screwed if you do good, you're screwed if you do bad... so do nothing or have fun doing as you like. Magic doesn't ease the ache. Warm fuzzies come and go as the seasons of time. I have nothing tangible to hang on too.

I am giving myself until my birthday to seriously make a decision about leaving Zion or leaving Babylon. I have been miserable living in both cities... I should choose which one I will remain in. That is what I have learned from you and Trevor, you two have chosen. I have not chosen yet.

I will find out. I hope that I will find something worthwhile....