As I have looked over my own thoughts and recent letters, I have been really struggling. I have had a lot on my mind for my life.
Yesterday night, I left work in a horrible mood. I pretended to be screaming and yelling at some of my friends. I suited me and my needs at the time. I yelled so much, that I was about to loose my voice. I cried again. Trevor thinks that I need to be assessed for depression. I'm pretty sure that I am experiencing these types of symptoms. I've been down for the past couple of months, with very little lasting peace or happiness.
I feel wronged. I feel cheated. I feel purposely left out. There is nothing that I can do about it but be happy and move forward. Or the other option is to do nothing at all.
Cory called me this morning at 6 am and wanted to chat. He explained to me that he didn't have a lot of time to talk or keep up, so he wanted to chat. I was awake already because of a charlie horse that I had in my leg. That kept me up for the rest of the morning. Cory was concerned that he had woke me up, but that was irrelevant. I was up. I asked him what he wanted and he said he just wanted to catch up. I find his behavior so strange. Though, he isn't like Trevor. Trevor keeps in contact with me quite often. In fact, if I don't hear from him, I get antsy. I really enjoy talking to Trevor. He is my Best Friend Cousin (BFC)! Cory on the other hand is not that type of guy. He is more about if you are presently there in his life, he will interact with you. If you are not there, he's less inclined to involve you in his life. Trevor is the same way, truthfully. Trevor would much prefer to be with you in person than chatting over the phone, but he's adapted. Cory is changing where he will reach out and talk to me on occasion. But that is what I am supposed to do with Cory. I am not to reach out to him. He is supposed to reach out to me. With that rule in mind, and me thinking that Cory won't ever really change, I am proven wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Though, I appreciate his efforts.
On my way home, I listened to Elder Redlund's talk about being close to God. He said that the farther a part the giver to the receive is, the more likely the receiver will develop an attitude of entitlement. he then makes is applicable for everyday use with the Savior. The further we are from God, the more likely we'll demand blessings, find fault in our situations and be unwilling to be humble. I am that. I am behaving and have been behaving like this in a long time. It is all because I do not have a great relationship with God. I can hear His voice and feel His presence, but that doesn't mean I'm close nor does it mean that I'm trying to actively develop a relationship with Him. I treat Him with disdain and distance. He is trying to help me, whether I want it or not. He is trying to help me draw close to Him, though I am resisting every single step of the way. I'm not living by faith. I am not doing the things that I know to be right because of my attitude about it.
I believe part of what I've been advised to do is to be humble. Part of that idea is that I should be willing to admit that maybe the reason why all these bad things happen, is so that there is no other place for me to go, but to God. I have not been willing to go to Him because I blame Him for the horrible things. Yet it would seem that it is the only way for me to get it together, realize can accept it. I know what I have to do and what I have to give up. I need to demonstrate faith and hope by getting rid of things in my life that must go, if I am to have a better life.
I will go to the Temple tomorrow to pray and get strength. As I have written this, I have felt peace. More humble pie, more diligence and some questions that I want to have answer too.
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