The Bull

It has been a really long time since I have posted.

I have met a new friend that I have felt that I needed to be chained too, because of the visions of heaven. I've known him since August of 2015.

His name is Pappy. He isn't older than me, but he does look a little bit older than me. White people don't always age as well and cocoa butter individuals as me! Pappy is very different than I am. He is a tall, handsome, man that is pretty popular and really into outdoor, water sports. When you think of a popular, prince charming, that his him. Then there is me: tall, flawless skin, some what fem individual. We don't have a lot in common, other than we have the same faith system. That is pretty much that binds our commonalities.

I have tried my hardest to be the best friend that I could be with him. After all, that is what I've been asked to do: Be the best support to him, help him, love him, give him all that you have to offer. It was a divine mandate. Boy, can I tell you that has not been easy. Pappy is a very good man. The things that I think are great are these: He is not afraid of commitment, He is really polite, He is a great missionary, He is very faithful to his ideology no matter what, He is a very devoted boyfriend, He is a good listener. He is just an overall good guy. In some ways, he's almost perfect.

Though perfection is not something that any of us can obtain in this life. The flaws of him are these: He is self-interested, He isn't patience for things he deems lesser than him, He doesn't know how to connect with people in a deep, meaningful way, He uses people for prestige, power and position. In short, he is too pretty for his own good.

People are naturally drawn to him. He is really friendly, polite and is willing to listen to you. For me, I don't like him all that much when I met him. He seemed so uninterested in the better things in life. Though, I realized that what he valued was different than mine, but there wasn't too much difference in value. I also noticed that he's not very self aware. He said a lot of flowery things of the hopes and dreams that he wants to accomplish. Though, his actions don't always reflect that.

Some of the really cool things he shared with me was, He didn't want to be the typical jock guy who was only interested in women and could care less about other people. He didn't want to like and fall after mean women who were pretty on the outside, but were monsters on the inside. Another thing was, he wanted to be able to love people more freely. He wanted to relate and feel after other people. He wants to be able to find his unique gifts and abilities and use them for good to help others along the way.

I think that he is doing a really good job at being selfless, being inclusive and being willing to be a good example! He has come a long way. 9 months is a long time.

He is currently studying abroad, making a life for himself and his future doing some internships with some pretty prestigious companies. He has asked me to keep in touch with him, by writing to him everyday via social media and instant messaging. He has requested that I share with him how I feel and how my life is doing. I will admit, I find this request a nice gesture. Though, as nice as it is, I don't really enjoy the interaction that much. I have come to the conclusion that he is just wanting me around for my abilities and gifts. I have noticed from the very beginning that he was only interested in what I could assist him in; a magic mirror. I have hoped that he would get over that, but to no avail.

I have done everything possible that I think I could do for a friend. I have put his name on the Temple roll twice a week for the past 9 months, I threw him a dirty 30 party and dropped some serious cash, I have been available for him to talk to at his beck and call, I have shared with him my all my talents and abilities and have striven to put him in situations and positions that he'd benefit from those situations and people. I have given him all that I have to give a person. What has broke my persistence was when I told him yesterday that I loved him and that I was thankful for everything he has done. His response was, "I haven't done anything."

With his response, I realized that he was right. He hasn't done anything really to maintain our friendship.  He has answered his phone, my texts, invited me here and there, ate the food that I cooked. That is pretty much it. Nothing really that I can't find from a stray dog or animal.

I have have been torn over this with him. I had left our friendship for a week and was punished for it by the divine. I wasn't happy with the relationship. I felt like he didn't care. It was very, when he wanted to. Though it was often when he needed something that spurred the contact. When I came back, we sort of explained what we wanted out of the friendship. He wanted to be my friend and wanted me to be around. I wanted him to be a best friend, a person that I could confide in. Though, I realized that his definition of friendship and mine are very different. Mine is more involved. His is not all that involved.

We've made a good go. He's really busy in school and his studies. Though, in my mind, people make time for the things that they really want. I feel like our friendship is more like a relationship of convinence. Does he care about me? Probably. Is it enough for me? No, I want an equality of effort. Though, that is something that I cannot request. Love and devotion only appears when given freely.

I feel good that I have given him all that I have to offer. I have decided to let him go. I will assist him in the things that he asks of me, I'm happy to help and support. But I have given up on the idea that he and I will ever be close friends. It is OK. This is a part of life. What sucks is, I felt like this is how it would happen, and here it is... happening. He won't know that the affection that I have for him, is pretty much dead.

I feel really sad that he doesn't care about me all that much, when my heart was into our friendship. But there is a part of me that feels good about it. A part of me says to wait, and I'm happy to assist when he asks, but I'm not going to actively seek him out. There isn't much point to it. He wants things that I can't provide him.

Of the many negative and positive things, I am a wonderful and loyal friend.

Self-Help: How to Escape Time.

Memories. It is the tool that I use to go back, go back to where I used to be, to feel what I used to feel, to re-live that moment and remember.

My mother told me once, 'You never lose the feelings for your first love.' I never really knew what that meant. I always thought of it as a moment in time where you would look back and think upon that individual with fondness. I didn't have any experiences to go off of in regards to intimacy with another person that wasn't related to me. I never really thought that I would know what that phrase would mean.

I look back and now see that that statement isn't always true...

I have been wanting to escape time. I have been asked to do and be the best person that I could be. I never realized how difficult that can and will be. I made promises that I knew would be hard and that I would make mistakes on. For the most part however, I knew that I would need to make promises to make that commitment stick. There was a night that I yearned to feel affection and love. The kind where you look across that floor and see that that special someone was looking right at you and smiled. The moment that when you looked into their eyes, their soul jumped with excitement and apprehension that they just wanted to be near you. I had that once. I loved that person once, with all my heart. Tristy made me feel alive. Tristy made me feel worthwhile. Tristy made me feel that everything was going to be OK. Tristy had me believe that I was a beautiful person. I loved Tristy with all my heart because I knew that is what Tristy wanted. Tristy tried really hard to love me back in return.

He couldn't reconcile his feelings with me though. I was never IN love with him, I just loved him. I believe that is why our friendship didn't last. He didn't know the difference and choose to leave. When he left, I was hurt. I cried and cried. There was a piece of me that I felt wouldn't let go of the fact that he probably wouldn't come back. I felt like this time, he was gone forever. I had hope that my feelings of affection and admiration for who he was, would be enough for him to want to return. He never did...

Since he was my first love to truly learn how to love correctly, my mothers words struck me hard. I didn't want to remember that I loved him. I didn't want to remember all the kindness and sorrow that we shared. I didn't want to remember his smile, his laugh, his voice, the way he would look at me with such affection, concern and love. There was a time once that he lost sleep over me one night because he was so worried that I would be lost to him. He told me that night, that he tossed and turned over the idea that I was out and about without him to protect me from myself. When he told me that, I knew that he cared for me as I cared for him.

There was a part of me that wanted to hold on to the hope that he would return. There was a part of me that wanted to believe that he would sort out his feelings and just come back and be my friend. I always went to a song that brought me surges of happy memories as the stars of heaven danced across the twilight night. Katy Perry, Teenage Dream. Anytime that I wanted to run to his embrace, I would listen to that song. I would be reminded of his kindness, his love, his friendship.

Tonight that changed. I ran to him for comfort and found that he was gone. The place where I had stored him was no longer there. I looked everywhere for him, to no avail. I played the song over and over again to enrapture me with those moments that I spent with him, and nothing came. No tears, no joy... just empty words on an empty page. I felt like I was listening to a song that I could hear the words, there was so much static... interference. The harder I strained to hear the lyrics, the more I realized there was nothing left to see, only emptiness, only shadow... it was black, with no space.

As the song went on with repeat, I realized something, I had sat for an hour yearning to feel that warm embrace and found nothing. Music swept me away to a place that I had never seen before. The chords of pure happiness with Tristy was gone.

How do you escape time? Music.