My mother told me once, 'You never lose the feelings for your first love.' I never really knew what that meant. I always thought of it as a moment in time where you would look back and think upon that individual with fondness. I didn't have any experiences to go off of in regards to intimacy with another person that wasn't related to me. I never really thought that I would know what that phrase would mean.
I look back and now see that that statement isn't always true...
I have been wanting to escape time. I have been asked to do and be the best person that I could be. I never realized how difficult that can and will be. I made promises that I knew would be hard and that I would make mistakes on. For the most part however, I knew that I would need to make promises to make that commitment stick. There was a night that I yearned to feel affection and love. The kind where you look across that floor and see that that special someone was looking right at you and smiled. The moment that when you looked into their eyes, their soul jumped with excitement and apprehension that they just wanted to be near you. I had that once. I loved that person once, with all my heart. Tristy made me feel alive. Tristy made me feel worthwhile. Tristy made me feel that everything was going to be OK. Tristy had me believe that I was a beautiful person. I loved Tristy with all my heart because I knew that is what Tristy wanted. Tristy tried really hard to love me back in return.
He couldn't reconcile his feelings with me though. I was never IN love with him, I just loved him. I believe that is why our friendship didn't last. He didn't know the difference and choose to leave. When he left, I was hurt. I cried and cried. There was a piece of me that I felt wouldn't let go of the fact that he probably wouldn't come back. I felt like this time, he was gone forever. I had hope that my feelings of affection and admiration for who he was, would be enough for him to want to return. He never did...
Since he was my first love to truly learn how to love correctly, my mothers words struck me hard. I didn't want to remember that I loved him. I didn't want to remember all the kindness and sorrow that we shared. I didn't want to remember his smile, his laugh, his voice, the way he would look at me with such affection, concern and love. There was a time once that he lost sleep over me one night because he was so worried that I would be lost to him. He told me that night, that he tossed and turned over the idea that I was out and about without him to protect me from myself. When he told me that, I knew that he cared for me as I cared for him.
There was a part of me that wanted to hold on to the hope that he would return. There was a part of me that wanted to believe that he would sort out his feelings and just come back and be my friend. I always went to a song that brought me surges of happy memories as the stars of heaven danced across the twilight night. Katy Perry, Teenage Dream. Anytime that I wanted to run to his embrace, I would listen to that song. I would be reminded of his kindness, his love, his friendship.
Tonight that changed. I ran to him for comfort and found that he was gone. The place where I had stored him was no longer there. I looked everywhere for him, to no avail. I played the song over and over again to enrapture me with those moments that I spent with him, and nothing came. No tears, no joy... just empty words on an empty page. I felt like I was listening to a song that I could hear the words, there was so much static... interference. The harder I strained to hear the lyrics, the more I realized there was nothing left to see, only emptiness, only shadow... it was black, with no space.
As the song went on with repeat, I realized something, I had sat for an hour yearning to feel that warm embrace and found nothing. Music swept me away to a place that I had never seen before. The chords of pure happiness with Tristy was gone.
How do you escape time? Music.
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