A Big Fight

Dear Delysia, 

Today, I got in a huge fight with Trevor. The church came out with a new website about pineapples and normal people. Trevor was reading all the things that his friends had to say about the new website and their thoughts about the church and being a pineapple. He proceeded to tell me that he was irritated that Pineapples act as if they need special treatment because their lives are so hard. I told him, they do in the church. Then he proceeded to tell me that being single is hard for anyone and that hope is the one thing that he doesn't like about dating. He doesn't like the hope that one day he may end up marrying a woman. He also said that it was stupid to say that dating is like a numbers game. He said that in a Macro way, it is a numbers game. In a Micro way, it isn't always true. He talked about the gambler theory where the odds of flipping a coin, you have a 50/50 chance. The problem is, every time you flip the coin, the odds always reset to 50/50. So he could flip the coin and always get tails when he wanted to get heads. I responded and said that I don't even get to flip the coin. It isn't a numbers game for me. I don't even get to play.

By that time, he kept trying to bring the conversation back to, he and I suffer the same as being single. He told me that I wasn't understanding where he was coming from: being single and hating that there is hope that one day he'll meet a girl and settle down. He would much prefer to not hope for anything and just deal with it. By that point, I was done with the conversation and told him that I wasn't going to listen to him tell me that he knows how I feel because he's single too. A straight man was going to tell a pineapple man that he knows what it is like to be a pineapple and lonely. No, he doesn't. So I told him that I wasn't ever going to talk to him about this subject with him again and that I wasn't going to listen to him talk about something he knows nothing about! Then I hung up.

I am so mad! I am still really mad! How dare he tell me that my reasons for struggling aren't valid?! How dare he assume that his suffering is the same as mine?! He has bitched and moaned about how he wishes that he could be with his X and how much he loves her and wished/hoped/dreamed and now she's gone. Then he'll switch and be: she's a monster, the girl I fell in love with doesn't exist. She's not going to come back and be a better person. Then he'll switch back to: don't say mean things about her. She's hurting and I can't help her and I miss her.... blah blah blah. His reasons to be critical about pineapples in the church has no founding on the basis of his behavior. He wouldn't move on. He has never learned to move on even if God told him to. 

This is what my friend said about it:

So I sense that these two things are different, even though the loneliness and celibacy is the same. I'm trying to put words to it. When you're heterosexual and single, your desire for love and marriage is seen as a righteous desire. When you're gay, it's seen as a sinful desire. When you're H and S, you have the promise that no blessing will be denied the faithful, which we interpret to mean we'll connect with an awesome spouse in heaven. When you're gay, you're told that God loves you and to have faith, and you have no idea what to expect on the other side (does God provide you with a heterosexual partner that you're magically attracted to?)

Trevor then sent me an email and said he was sorry and told me what he really meant to say. He doesn't know what it's like to be a pineapple and all the hurt that comes from it. He's not a pineapple.

Then Cory sent me a lame list of his goals for the next 6 months he's here. It's just an outline of these ambiguous goals. I am happy that my feelings for him are dying. I can't sustain much love for him or Trevor. Or rather I choose not to sustain it. I'm not going to throw my pearls before these two pigs!!

I feel sick to my stomach. But at the same time, I look back and see that the men in my life have always, for the most part, been horrible people. I am so grateful that I am a reflection of my mother and not the beasts of betrayal scattered across the world. They don't deserve to be around me. They tarnish my shine.

Thank you Delysia for listening to me.