I am sorry that I haven't written to you in a while. A lot of a good and bad things have happened. Trevor came back. It was nice to talk to him. My relationships with my family are getting stronger. Conference made me feel that 50% of me is wonderful, the other 50% needs some serious improvement. My youngest brother is getting married.
The bad is that mom had two strokes. My sisters daughter has had 4 surgeries in a year on her ears and their infections, I fought with Trevor and I haven't really recovered from it and things just seem to be falling a part.
I went to the Temple when I heard that mom had a stroke. The great thing was, she had the stroke at the hospital, while she was working. Her left side of her face is drooping. She is only 57. This was her first time stroke. Then the next day she had another stroke. She is doing fine, as much as fine can be. It just hurts my feelings, my heart aches when I hear of my mother in pain and suffering. I love her so much. I don't want her to pass on. Though, a huge part of me thinks that it would be better if she did. Then she wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Yet, when I asked the Lord if she would be OK, I got the answer that she'll be OK for this year and probably good for the next 3 years. I just think, well, I have some time. I am just really uneasy about all of this. Mom has diabetes and was barely diagnosed with Colitis. What that is, is where her intestinal track gets really inflamed. So it makes it really hard for her to obtain nutrients. So with Diabetes, she heals really slow, Colitis makes it hard for her to get the nutrients from food and now she has bleeding in her brain, and will eventually turn into a vegetable or her body will just give out. Her brother, who is living with her isn't in the best of health, nor is her husband. All of them are not in good health. I am afraid that one by one, one year at a time, they will pass. Mom may be the last one to pass and then it will just be my siblings and I. I will be an old single cat lady, while my siblings will all have spouses to help them and sustain them. I will be there to help and sustain them when our family is gone. I have no one.
I called my mission president to see if he had any advice. He didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know. He told me to love the lonely, love the broken hearted, serve and stay busy, use my talents and abilities to bless others. I don't really like this answer, but it is the only answer that comes. I am denied all these things and asked to walk and help others alone. I don't really cry about this idea anymore. I don't really look forward to anything much anymore. I am just moving forward because there is no other way to go.
I am trying to really not be negative. I am trying to see good and happiness in all the things that I have. It seems to always come when I have come to a resolve to do things that are right. I am asked to just live off scraps and be happy about it because in some far distant future, everything will be made right and I'll be happy. I don't really believe that. I don't believe that God loves everyone. I believe that He is more loving to others. He's selective as He has always has been.
Yet, I still try to do what I'm supposed to. I want to be just like my mom. If she can do it, I can too.
Delysia, I have cried to much this past year. I have felt so horrible and sad a lot of the time. I feel like that I'm a treasure and yet at the same time, I feel like I'm just a piece of nothing, being asked to suffer just because it's 'good for me'.
I love you. Thank you for loving me.
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